AIBU to feel sidelined when husband hosted friend during baby’s witching hour?

[AquaCrab1703]

I wanted opinions on this scenario last night. I am a FTM to a 13 week old boy, my husband has really disappointed me post natally with various things and I am trying to get opinions on certain things that are now happening if IABU or if it just to be expected. Essentially, I am going through the process of wondering if I would be better off divorcing and being single.

Last night he invited a friend over, he set the table and made dinner. He has never done this for me in the whole post natal period. Friend comes over at the height of witching over (5pm) - baby crying, needing fed, over stimulated etc. The friend insisted on getting a pic with baby then I was left to it. I went into the bedroom the whole evening whilst they sat in the living room drinking beer and having dinner. I could not come to dinner as I was busy with baby - they did not even make a plate up and bring it to me. I had a couple of oat cakes. I settled the baby and stayed in the bedroom with baby in the cot, then when his friend was due to leave I got up and said bye to the friend.

My husband sleeps in a seperate room now so I got the baby down at 9pm and then did not see him until 7-8am this morning.

I was starving and woke up this morning after doing a couple of nightfeeds thinking I am being royally taken the piss out of, but wanted opinions. AIBU to think this is a weird dynamic?

Why do you sleep separately? He does no night feeds? Leave.

It is just so sad how many women have such low standards for their partners. OP is in the trenches at the moment and her husband doesn’t care about her or the baby. He should be waiting on OP hand and foot IMO. She should not have to tell him that he needs to get involved. So sad.

I haven’t enjoyed anything about this post, that poor woman is having a fucking awful time of it, it’s not the time or the place for point scoring. My intention was only to make you, and people posting in a similar vein to you, think about the advice you were handing out to a woman who’s very clearly in an incredibly shit situation.

It’s not her fault. There is no part of it on her. She can’t fix the situation by talking to him or gently reminding him that she’s a person who’s worth something. So you can get as pissy as you like with me, and pretend that I’m just being mean to you because I’m having a bad day. Water off a duck’s back. But what’s been said to a vulnerable woman on here could well stay with her.

His mum initially suggested it was a great idea to allow him to be fresh for work, music to my husbands ears, it then came to the weekend when he was not working and he just never moved back through.

I have a feeling there is more to this post and of course we only hear one side.

If we heard from the other side, he'd be digging his own grave, since conception, he's been completely uninvolved. There's no excuse for not knowing how to care for your newborn. Or leaving everything, including driving to your wife, who is recovering from a C Section. Since when do you cook for yourself and a friend, but do none for your partner, who is looking after your baby? You're reaching so far, your real name must be Stretch Armstrong.

I stand by my post. We have not heard his side.

I think his side of events are much the same as mine - he is so paranoid he will not leave me alone with health visitors or GPs and now when friends pop over he will not leave the room as he watching to see if I will tell them whats going on

That sounds oddly scary. I would use my words and be damned.

Surely this level of paranoia to not let you be alone with people for fear of what you might say sends the message that he knows his behaviour is completely out of line. I would go see a health visitor or your GP whilst he is at work so you can talk alone. This behaviour from him is controlling and dangerous, he is trying to cut you off from support whilst presenting himself as the doting parent. Please go and stay with your parents to get away from this man.

I am wondering if you sit together and have a real conversation about the situation together calmly and respectfully? It feels as though you are just becoming more and more frustrated by his behaviour, he is not doing what you would like him to do and also him not being more aware of everything that needs doing both practically and emotionally with a new baby, although I know it is hard when you are tired.
My son in law was like this but I think he was so freaked out with the responsibility of a new baby. But he is a good man at heart and as the baby grew older, he settled into fatherhood and became such a lovely, caring dad. He only ever wanted one child though.

There are women’s only spaces and support groups out there, the one near me is called Mindful Mums, it’s a GP referral and free. Would you consider going there and it’s a space where you can get signposted to further support and without him being there?

He’s horrible not to have made you food

Your poor daughter. What low expectations you have

I have only read your posts up to ‘had to put the duvet on the bed myself following a c section’ that is awful
you could have ruptured your surgical wounds.
Please just drive baby to your mums and go and live there, now is actually the safest time to leave.
actually,
i would put all of this in writing to him, state facts, say you want him to do more for his child so they can enjoy their time tougher safely and you can rest knowing they’re ok on their own together, ask him if he disagrees with anything and if not please can he make som changes. This will document the status quo in writing. Then in a week or two when he is at work go to move in with your mum and tell him you’ve loved getting live their now as you and baby need support and you’ll be in to in to arrange him
to visit the baby.

No need to feel sorry for her. My grandson is now in his 20s and they all have a lovely life together. It was simply those first few months when my grandson was born that they struggled. I think often there is an expectation that men (and women) are immediately in love with their new child and ‘step up’. But with some people it takes a little longer. My son in law certainly did. But all credit to them for working through it. I am very proud of my daughter and her partner.

What the fuck is wrong with you? 🤦‍♀️

She tells you that she’s in an abusive marriage and you’re wondering what his side of the story is? What possible justification could there be for how he treats her?

And then she tells you that he won’t leave her alone with anyone in case she tells them about his behaviour and you’re suggesting she just has a nice little respectful chat with him? Completely missing the fact that this thought has occurred to her previously and it didn’t fucking work, as well as the more important fact that this is really worrying behaviour between spouses. It’s not fucking normal!

I echo what @LittleBearPad said, your poor daughter, because she obviously wasn’t able to rely on any support from you. I’m not surprised she felt her only option was to get on with it. Yours are a few of the most shocking replies I’ve ever seen to a woman who is being treated like this, and if I had an acceptable reason to report you, I absolutely would. Fucking disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself.

You sound charming. Have you read my follow up post?

You can struggle with a new baby, but when your spouse has a major operation, there's no excuse for you to not have the house tidy and ready for when you get out of hospital. If your spouse is busy with a your baby, there's no excuse for not making food for them. I could go on. The OP is now describing an abusive relationship, it was neglectful, but the last post is worrying.

Plan to go to your parents, tell them everything. He could be letting it play out until he can get 50/50 (so no maintenance). You'll get thrown at you "I couldn't have been so bad, or you'd have left". Or he will break you down and continue to just come and go, as suits. When my DD was going through similar, it was a older male relative who asked her what she'd say when her child asked "who's that man who walks in and out of the house?". She was a wreck at first, but now has completely rebuilt her life.

I ask again, do you have a voice?!
You are very, very passive. All of these things ‘just happen’.

Not that you’ve got room to be judging anyone else based on your posts on this thread, but I’m a fucking delight.

And yes, I read your follow up post. You didn’t say anything in it that made your other posts anywhere close to being acceptable or helpful to a woman in an awful situation. Fucking talk to him respectfully? 🤦‍♀️

Clearly you would not be able to talk to people respectfully. I am stepping away now as nothing else to add.

I would leave this bastard. I'd ask my mum and dad if I could stay with them and I'd be off with the baby.

Watch him then say he wants 50:50 so that he doesn't have to pay child support - then watch his mum do all the work. I'd absolutely refuse 50:50 and would take it to court if I had to. He's not a fit father.

First sensible thing you’ve said.