AIBU to grieve the life I feel I might have had?

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

Just looking for some advice on how to get over mourning the life I feel I should have had.

For context, I had an awful childhood, including an alcoholic abusive father who died when I was young, and an emotionally unavailable mother who liked to throw material things at me to make up for it. I was bullied all my life including in first jobs, I suspect due to being autistic which I didn’t know until I was 35. Despite all of this I was the classic overachiever, identified for a glittering career from when I was a small child (suggestions as far back as primary school included a brain surgeon or the prime minister 😂)

But sadly an abusive relationship in my 20s and significant mental health issues due to life events put paid to that. I’m 40 now, I have an NHS middle management role, my own home, nice holidays etc but I put in an incredible amount of hours over two jobs to be able to afford it. Single after a string of failed relationships, no kids. I just feel like I’ve missed the boat in terms of potential…

I’m on holiday at the moment in a fairly upmarket resort and spent the evening a few nights ago talking/drinking with a group in their late 20s who all worked in the city, flats in Chelsea, etc. Oxbridge educated (I have a degree and masters from an RG uni but I could have gotten into either of them). I just now look back and think - I could have done that - but my circumstances held me back, I wanted to do a grad scheme and move to London but my ex held me back and I got a mortgage instead.

I know it’s too late to change it all now - I don’t have the transferable skills and certainly couldn’t afford more than a house share in the south (and that’s impossible for me to do). I know comparison is the thief of joy but I could just do with some advice on how to get over it. I just feel like I’ve missed out so much
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I can see how you think things might have been better if your life had been different but it might not have been. Also you are only halfway through your life but you’re talking like it’s over? The question you need to be asking is what are you going to do with the next 40 years?

No, but I’m now intrigued… 🤔

It's a great film. But the beauty of it would be totally obliterated were it set in London with some roadman as the cleaner. Although, that could be entertaining in itself. 😆

Spend some time with people less fortunate than you. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Work in a food bank. It might realise how much you have.

Intelligence isn't everything. You may have relatively low EQ (maybe due to being autistic), and that would have held you back regardless.

The way I would look at it, is 40 isn't too late. Especially if you are a grafter and child free, that gives you MORE opportunity to succeed, as you have more freedom and the right attitude. I met a woman last week who worked in middle management in a large manufacturing company (think Cadburys type of thing) in a variety of jobs from manufacturing to HR. Then (and I'm not sure how) she got the idea to start her own business doing workshops around what businesses and brands stand for, and how to align people behind that. She charges £50k per project, and I reckon it's about 3-4 weeks work at most (probably less than that, as she has been doing it for about 20 years now). She lives in a mansion and has a Ferrari!!! (and generally did not seem that impressive).
So, there is still hope - can you progress in your career, is there a transferable skill you could use to set up a business in some way, can you move to the private sector, etc etc. 40 is not 60. If I didn't have kids, in my mid/late 30s I would have retrained as a lawyer. But I had 3 under 4, couldn't have done it, and now I am 50 it's too late, don't have the mental energy.
Also, you can channel your sense of achievement into other things. For instance, my DH has gone crazy with exercise, training for ironman and the likes. In a stagnant career, this is what he feels really proud of.

Oh and I absolutely don’t want to set up my own business, but thanks to those of you who have suggested it

Sorry to hear of your life struggles - I’m sure it has made you very resilient though.

I think often the what ifs and regrets are hardest to deal with. We’re all dealt the hand we are dealt and can’t change that. Perhaps reframe it that the young you, going through all that pain through no fault of her own, has been able to take the steps needed to free present you from abuse and build a stable income.

I had a tough(ish) childhood but got the glittering 15-year career and did the London city jobs and all else, but horrific ADHD and trauma related burnout have had to pack it all in. And now we are downsizing and relocating for simpler life, but wish I hadn’t gone out in the shameful blaze of glory like I did.

That’s just to say, if you had got the amazing career - it doesn’t necessarily mean you’d have been happier or life would have been easier. I’ve been running on pure stress for 15 years since starting my career as a post grad. It was fun and doable in my 20s but takes its toll over time.

It seems to me that you have done remarkably well, particularly considering the difficulties you have faced. Problem is, you are comparing the inside of you with the outside of everybody else. Can you try to celebrate what you have achieved, and the pleasant and responsible life you are leading ? Also, maybe try some therapy to work through your feelings. You would never talk to another person the way you are doing to yourself - try to be kinder to yourself and seek some meaningful things you can do in your own life to make yourself happy. Nobody lives the perfect life; the clever option is to try to be content with what you have - and tbh what you have sounds pretty OK to me x

Wow you can really write!! These are beautiful, powerful words

@OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends it sounds like you’ve experienced lots of challenges and I’m sorry about that.

However, the main thing that comes across from reading your posts is that you seem quite scared of the world. Successful people really aren’t always the cleverest or most privilege. A huge factor in success is being bold and brave, and taking risks. I understand why you feel the way you do, but until you can see the world as yours to eat, you are going to feel stuck, I think.

Happiness = expectations - reality
be grateful for what you have. Someone is jealous of another person driving a Ferrari, meanwhile someone would do anything to own a bicycle!

The average age that people change careers is 43. Plenty of people retrain. Lots of people adopt. You own your own house, are financially solvent and have solid work history behind you, and it sounds like you go on great holidays so can afford what you want. Please don't write the rest of your life away the best is yet to come x

thirded

For a lot of people, it's no doubt a key component. That and being debt free contribute hugely to my sense of security, wellbeing and lack of worry and stress.

I voted YABU Because you wrote “I know it’s too late to change that”. It’s not too late to change anything. You’re in the middle of your life.

What do you want? What did you dream of being?

You clearly have the means to be able to afford evening training to become it if it’s a job?

Where do you want to live?

It’s not too late. Either get therapy to help you be happy with what you’ve got or make a change to get what you want otherwise you’ll be sitting at the end of your life wishing you’d done this now - because, by then, 40 will seem young.

There’s no indication from your post that you have overcome even half the things OP has overcome to achieve what she has, but more than 20 years into adulthood, you still can’t express yourself courteously. That’s completely on you at this point.

Grow up.

I think it's perfectly understandable to blame an abusive father and an abusive partner, don't you? Or do you think that those men deserve a pass?

At 40 it is absolutely not too late to follow a different path, reach your goals etc. I am quite a bit older and wish to god I'd started what I'm doing now at 40.

I'm not sure you should grieve for what has not transpired. I think dwelling in the past is not a good idea because it means you don't enjoy the now.

Why focus on what could have been? It sounds like you have overcome so much to have a life where you have your bills paid and some money for fun too. You should be marvelling at how amazing you are to have achieved all of that, to have overcome so many hurdles and be safe and secure as an adult.

We are so bad at congratulating ourselves, but we should do it much more. I really hope your future continues to be safe and you can enjoy fun and friendship and all the good things in your life.

I think I probably need to pay for less holidays and more therapy don’t I…

@Nangula I think you’ve hit the nail on the head without even realising. I AM scared of the world, partly because my ex literally beat the confidence out of me (I used to be a podium dancer when I was at uni - daft example but it shows how much confidence I once had!). I always had so much going on at home that I never even told my parents about the bullying etc, I just hid it all inside.

im trying to put myself out there at work but really struggling. The two other people who do my job are completely incompetent (not just my perception but others too) and I’m new to the team but not the job. Any attempt to put myself ‘out there’ just leads to me being given all the complex and time consuming work which is leading me to hours of unpaid overtime, plus 12 hours a week in my second job

Looking back as I have recently i havd been thinking that if I'd gone to a different school I'd have been pushed towards university. If my mum hadn't become ill when I was 15 I might have joined the army. If I had left the company I was working for much sooner I'd have been snapped up in the jobs market given the reputation it had. If I'd taken the job i was offeredin London on a huge salary...I'd been made redundant when the credit crunch hit a year later . At the end of the day I don't regret any decision I made i know why I made them.

I come from a rough working class background. I had a friend murdered, others died as a result of drugs and car crashes when I was a teenager...so to end up finalically stable, healthy and retired at 57 is fantastic

You say you are in your 40s OP. I didn't go to uni until my early 40s. The initial intention was to gain a degree to return to my previous profession with improved qualifications. However that never happened. I fell in love with academic research and stayed on to do a masters and a Ph.D. I deeply regret that I did not go to uni sooner but I too was was held back by family circumstances which I wont go into. Otherwise I might have had a glittering academic career and retired as Prof. Gingercat rather than simply Dr. I'm proud of what I achieved as a working class kid born in a two-up-two-oown with no bathroom. But it might have been so much more.

I was fortunate to have 10 years in academia before I retired. And before all this dreary woke and gender business made academics scared to speak their minds. I still do private tutoring at postgrad level.

You already have a degree so at 40ish its not too late for you.

I feel very much the same. That feeling of odds stack against us, albeit working so hard to make things better. There was always something outside of any control I had, that minimised, prevented the opportunities that should have been.

Come on @OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends

You are intelligent. If you wanted to go and be a city trader you could sell up and go and do it. 40 is not old and you don’t have kids to think about.

So… stop wallowing…think about what you want to do next. And go for it! Nothing holding you back but yourself!

Why is it too late late to change anything now? You're only 40! You have 3 more decades of working life ahead, which is longer than the working life that's behind you.