AIBU to grieve the life I feel I might have had?

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

Just looking for some advice on how to get over mourning the life I feel I should have had.

For context, I had an awful childhood, including an alcoholic abusive father who died when I was young, and an emotionally unavailable mother who liked to throw material things at me to make up for it. I was bullied all my life including in first jobs, I suspect due to being autistic which I didn’t know until I was 35. Despite all of this I was the classic overachiever, identified for a glittering career from when I was a small child (suggestions as far back as primary school included a brain surgeon or the prime minister 😂)

But sadly an abusive relationship in my 20s and significant mental health issues due to life events put paid to that. I’m 40 now, I have an NHS middle management role, my own home, nice holidays etc but I put in an incredible amount of hours over two jobs to be able to afford it. Single after a string of failed relationships, no kids. I just feel like I’ve missed the boat in terms of potential…

I’m on holiday at the moment in a fairly upmarket resort and spent the evening a few nights ago talking/drinking with a group in their late 20s who all worked in the city, flats in Chelsea, etc. Oxbridge educated (I have a degree and masters from an RG uni but I could have gotten into either of them). I just now look back and think - I could have done that - but my circumstances held me back, I wanted to do a grad scheme and move to London but my ex held me back and I got a mortgage instead.

I know it’s too late to change it all now - I don’t have the transferable skills and certainly couldn’t afford more than a house share in the south (and that’s impossible for me to do). I know comparison is the thief of joy but I could just do with some advice on how to get over it. I just feel like I’ve missed out so much
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I’ve never read the midnight library but this thread has encouraged me to do so 😊

@andthat they aren’t going to suddenly give me a job in the city earning 70k without experience, never mind not affording to live there

@Cerbonny Ive already explained the lack of opportunities

Truly OP it is down to mindset. At 40 the world is your oyster. You could begin a whole new career if you wanted. You could be days away from meeting the love of your life. You need to put a bit of work in, the world won’t come to you, but it is absolutely possible to have the life you dream of.

YANBU but I feel like most people feel like this about some aspects of their lives. I certainly do!

You have a very defeatist attitude. You seem to view your life as a series of things that happened to you rather than things that you had any choice in or control over. That may have been true when you were a child but it's not true now. It's not too late to change it all. I think that something like CBT might help you reframe your views. You could have gone to Oxbridge. In 20 years what will you be saying that you could have done now?

OP you sound like a lot of neuro diverse adults who were pegged for "great things" as kids. I am one too.
Difficult/abusive upbringing
Breezed through school until age 12 and then puberty hit and social interactions became more complex and I was out of my depth emotionally, but still very good academically.
Linked up with the wrong guy in my late-teens and all but tanked my university opportunity and got into debt trying to keep him happy because he felt like the first person in a long time to just take me as I am and love me.
And at 37 I'm just about finding my equilibrium.
I didn't live up to that early promise but I honestly think if I had managed to stumble into the glittering career, I'd have never managed to maintain it. I'm not build for constantly being "on".
I'm clever and I'm kind but I need a lot of recharge time and I don't want to do the things needed to break through as a politician or pop star. I wouldn't want the pressure of being a doctor or architect or engineer, and I don't manage people well enough to be a lawyer or business owner etc.
Some of it was definitely down to my circumstances, but a lot of it comes down to who I am and how I am.
Look inward @OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends and ask yourself if that life is really one you could have managed if it was offered to you

A work colleague once said to me "never waste the life you have wishing you had the life you wanted". That stuck with me. (Our adoption placement had just broken down)

@watchingthishtread i don’t understand why you think i have any control over eg there being no job opportunities or having to make a loss to rent my house out? Genuinely how can i change though things?

also as i said in my updates ive had repeated CBT. It’s no longer recommended for autistic people by the way

Hi dear,.I too have these thoughts. I could've been, should've been more, much more, if I didn't lose my way - way worse than what you seemed to have done - in my youth. At the same time I am incredibly grateful for what I do have because I could've ended up so so much worse. With the childhood you describe, so could've you, easily. You put in an enormous effort, bootstrapping yourself from the bottom with sheer will - so have I but I had a lot of help from my family over the years, mainly support but also money. Be proud of what you have achieved! You deserve praise and as for the past... it's past for a reason. Really the present is all we have... I'd love to be in an upmarket resort, but I've never been and can only imagine... So please do enjoy it, its a special time for yourself and you've more than earned it!

Yes, this OP.

You say it is too late, but it isn't.

It is a huge benefit in this situation you don't have children because actually you CAN make this all about you.

What degree/career would you have liked ideally? Start from there ... it is doable. Loads of people go back to study.

You won't necessarily end up with a home in Chelsea etc, because in all honesty your luck in life has been to be bright not necessarily wealthy. Theirs was to be wealthy and the two don't always go hand in hand as much as people imagine they do.

YABU to lament a life you couldn't necessarily have had, but YANBU to want to have another shot at the things you can change. Nothing's stopping you.

ETA I would never "un-have" my dc. They are my joy. BUT I could be a hell of a lot more self-focused if I didn't have them. USE that freedom.

I would put a bet on the vast majority of young people who fit the criteria of ‘work in the city, flats in Chelsea, Oxbridge educated’ having come from great privilege – benefitting from structural advantages that very few ‘ordinary’ people can compete with. It’s taken me years to realise this but behind many young people who seem to be doing really well there is often a very simple explanation – for example, generational wealth, first flat paid for my parents, able to do internships/advanced degrees as supported by family for an extended period, ‘living in grandmother’s London place’ etc. Not to say that you can’t change your life for the better but try not to compare yourself to others. I am a bit older and have learned that ‘I managed to pay off my mortgage already’, for example, usually means some money has been inherited, not that the person is amazing with money / smarter than me….

There are no job opportunities anywhere in anything?

Well 70 thousand a year wouldn't buy a home in Chelsea anyway.

Not everything in life is achievable to everyone, but MOST things are.

Let's forget practicalities for a moment. What career would you have loved? What would you have liked about it?

Yes Op. You are clearly intelligent. You don't have family or responsibilities to put first.

You get to call the shots here.

So many people wish they'd done things differently, I know my partner does. He had a good education and is a smart bugger but confidence held him back, with a little bit of being lazy. But you know what? It's done now. To regret is a waste of time and it's negative.
Sounds like you have done incredibly well, esp regarding your start in life. A lot of people would've crumbled under such pressure but not you. For that reason alone I think you're being unreasonable. You've done darn fine and kudos to your resilience. 40 isn't old by the way, there will be tweaks etc if you wish to change some things am sure of it.

Relationships are not always all that as you already know, look here on MN for that, countless of threads regarding their partners. Children, while nice to have are all-consuming and hard work, then they'd probably not appreciate it anyway when they go off into their own lives as they get older!

The grass is not always greener. I bet some of those 20-somethings you met will be thinking they hope they're on holiday in a swanky resort, with a good job and a home in 20 years time.

And I think the PP who wrote so wisely about radical acceptance was right, too.

We often need to be honest with ourselves with the way our past has shaped us, but not let it define us and the future.

There is such a thing as generational trauma too, that is when trauma is passed on through generations and shapes how people are genetically. I think it's possible this can impact the way we are, too.

But, there is always hope. And we are all in control of how our lives are, within the circumstances we have now. Be brave and bold. You can do this 💪

What was the business idea? I'm intrigued!

You are only 40 and have already achieved a lot.

Your past experiences, good and bad, have made you the person you are today - there is nothing to be gained from wishing them away.

Carry on with your life, value yourself, and be glad to be who you are.

It’s not too late OP. I met DH when I was 40. We went on to have DD when I was 42. I was in a stuck in a rut job waiting for retirement but decided to try and reach and progress and now I am 58 in a job paying twice what I was earning at 40. 40 is young and I think there’s time for you to put yourself out there personally and professionally.

I had had a string of bad relationships but started therapy at 40 and joined a dating app. The therapy alongside dating really helped. Don’t give up!

What a lovely, encouraging post.

It's very relevant to count one's blessings and plan towards to things you can do rather than "mourning" what has gone and can't be changed. The OP does have resource and education, it's not like they are completely unqualified to do anything, I'd say a RG education is very privileged.

I have had periods in my life where I've felt absolutely wretched with regret to the point of suicide attempts. I get it. Knowing regret is pointless and self destructive doesn't actually help you stop feeling that way.

For me, adopting an approach from mindfulness meditation has helped me a lot. If I try to block the overwhelming feelings of regret, they just come back stronger (like 'dont think of a pink elephant) but if I instead let them 'waft through'my mind like a bad smell or a cold blast of sure, I can cope better. I have a mental image of opening all the windows and doors and letting them flow through me. I do this multiple times a day, and actually doing this has helped me feel pretty happy for the first time in my life. I will always deeply regret some things from my past, but I am now managing not to let it ruin my present. I hope something I've written might help you too.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You have no idea if you could have gone to Oxford or Cambridge. I think it is so cringy that you think you’re better than your peers. We all have things to deal with. Get over it.

oh DFOD. Very few people face the adversity I have in life. And yes I could have gone since I was actively encouraged to apply but chose not to since I didn’t want to be judged. Would love you to point me to where I think I’m better than anyone?

If you were bullied in your first jobs due to autism, that would very probably have happened to you in the city - those city firms aren't renowned for how kindly they treat their junior employees. They also overwork people hugely - you'd have been working all hours. And if you're not able to house share you'd have struggled to find anywhere remotely nice you could afford to rent in London. My guess is that you would have been sacked or would have resigned fairly quickly.