AIBU to grieve the life I feel I might have had?

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

Just looking for some advice on how to get over mourning the life I feel I should have had.

For context, I had an awful childhood, including an alcoholic abusive father who died when I was young, and an emotionally unavailable mother who liked to throw material things at me to make up for it. I was bullied all my life including in first jobs, I suspect due to being autistic which I didn’t know until I was 35. Despite all of this I was the classic overachiever, identified for a glittering career from when I was a small child (suggestions as far back as primary school included a brain surgeon or the prime minister 😂)

But sadly an abusive relationship in my 20s and significant mental health issues due to life events put paid to that. I’m 40 now, I have an NHS middle management role, my own home, nice holidays etc but I put in an incredible amount of hours over two jobs to be able to afford it. Single after a string of failed relationships, no kids. I just feel like I’ve missed the boat in terms of potential…

I’m on holiday at the moment in a fairly upmarket resort and spent the evening a few nights ago talking/drinking with a group in their late 20s who all worked in the city, flats in Chelsea, etc. Oxbridge educated (I have a degree and masters from an RG uni but I could have gotten into either of them). I just now look back and think - I could have done that - but my circumstances held me back, I wanted to do a grad scheme and move to London but my ex held me back and I got a mortgage instead.

I know it’s too late to change it all now - I don’t have the transferable skills and certainly couldn’t afford more than a house share in the south (and that’s impossible for me to do). I know comparison is the thief of joy but I could just do with some advice on how to get over it. I just feel like I’ve missed out so much
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Oh l.. am sitting here with tears in my eyes. Thank you. Genuinely, that is the kindest thing anyone has said to me for a long time. ❤️😢

Exactly this op.

When you are ready.

I sense you are, in fact, experiencing delayed processing. What you went through was tough and to get where you are you must have adopted a coping mechanism, which was possibly not fully confronting it all. And if you need to do that before moving on, do that for now.

But in terms of feeling better, you will need to be forward-looking.

These feelings and thoughts are only useful if you USE them to galvanise your here and now and not LET them be why youre unhappy with your here and now.

It's so important not to compare and let that comparison drag you under, if you compare it needs to be a breath of fresh air in your life, a moment of inspiration. You saw a happy crew on hol? Join a hobby group. Meet some new people! You wish you'd studied more? Look at learning a new skill.

It's awful feeling and knowing you were held back by others, but many are victims of circumstance and for your own mental health and inner peace going forward, it would be best to try and direct those thwarted feelings into activity.

What a wonderful reply. Much good, wise advice here. Listen and take heed. ❤️

I get it OP. It is like a form of grief for what could have been. Due to events in my life I get similar feelings from time to time.

One of the ways I look at these sort of feelings is to remember that vast, vast majority of people from any background or with any ability are never able to meet their full potential or achieve all their goals. That's because to do so, you also need an incredible amount of luck that allows you to navigate life completely unhindered. And virtually no one gets that.

Yes it's a sliding scale, some only hit very minor bumps in the road and are largely successful. Most will meet a few obstacles along the way but still get to roughly where they want to be. But many people have to navigate major diversions all their life and have to change the route. Are the ones who only hit one small pothole better, more successful? Or just very lucky that their path was clear? You could argue that those who had the harder journey have achieved far more.

First try to be proud of yourself for what you have managed to achieve despite the adversity.
Second try to think what you want from life going forward? How important to you are the holidays etc? Is having to work so hard worth it? I think I would choose less stress and more free time all year round than slogging away for a few short breaks. What would you do that spare time if you had it? To me, success is freedom. Free yourself.

I actually want to have this printed on a poster and put it in schools. What a beautiful set of words.

mam, victimhood doth not a successful woman make.
dwelling on the past, blaming circumstances and being bitter will not yield results. It’s not too late but you need a mindset overhaul.

Yes, it is a pretty great post.

Sometimes I want to give up on MN then I hit a post like that (or a really amusing one!)

The OP has said clearly that reframing isn’t what she’s looking for, and there’s a proper psychological reason for that. Grieving the unlived life is a specific type of grief that doesn’t respond to gratitude or positive thinking. This isn’t because she lacks resilience or perspective. It’s because this grief is rooted in something true rather than a distorted perception. The path was there and taken from her. Cognitive techniques like reframing and positive thinking work by correcting inaccurate thoughts. They have nothing to grip onto when the thought is accurate. OP has said CBT has not worked from her, so suggesting strategies which touch on this are not likely to work now. CBT strategies were also not initially developed with autistic people in mind, so continually suggesting them is likely to continue to frustrate OP.

Telling her to adjust her perspective also adds an expectation that she should feel different to how she does, which tends to make people feel worse, not better, because it adds shame onto an already painful experience.

What she’s asking for isn’t to be told her life is actually fine or to think of those in a worse position and reframe her life. She knows her life isn’t currently terrible. If she hasn’t already explored Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, it might be worth a look, precisely because it was designed for situations where reframing isn’t the answer

Their whole treatment runs around this idea. It's an interesting one, I agree. It can help explain a lot. OP sounds depressed as she's looking back at the past, wishing things were different. Often it's a lot of anger at how we were treated by our parents, which can come out in different ways, perhaps for OP, internally reflected which causes depression and isolation.

Also OP, be aware you may have a brain that tends to ruminate obsessively over things, especially if you're ND. We can fixate on things. And that which we focus on, grows... you can put your attention on anything... coaching of some sort might help you think about the person you want to become, rather than the person you were as a child.

I agree that ACT might help.

Okay. So what is helpful here?

I’ve stated several times the answers will not be found here but in professional help.

So, if you recognise what is not helpful, what is? I’m thinking get off this website?

There's nothing you can do that will change the past, and there's nothing that could guarantee xyz was going to happen for you if your past had been any different...

What I think you need to do now at 40, is plan the steps it will take for the future you want. Do you have any idea what that might be or look like? Is it achievable? Is it achievable in part?

Put the same energy and time you are currently using being reflective, into being proactive for what is to come.

If you keep drifting about the past, nothing will change for the future. And I say this kindly, and as someone a lot older than you who has had my share of disappointments too.

Wishing you all the very best.

I think this is actually a very useful, kind and well meaning thread. I'm not sure you'd agree with me, OP, but we're all on your side.

And the pp who suggested the different types of therapy might be just the people who are onto some excellent advice. 👍

For all you know, the 20-somethings might have been envious of you, viewed you as financially sorted (nobody sees the work that's gone into that), with your own home (which is going to be really difficult for their generation), got it all figured out etc... so as you've rightly said, comparison is the thief of joy, try hard not to do it to yourself. It achieves nothing. Instead, focus on what you've achieved and overcome, which sounds considerable, and then put some thought into what might help you feel more fulfilled. Think about what you enjoy, what you might like to try, and make plans to do more of those things, do things which will shift your mind from going down the same old paths. Speaking from experience, I've dwelled on the 'what if's' more when I've had less going on, when things have become a bit monotonous. Maybe it sounds shallow to advise distracting yourself with things you might enjoy, but really, that's what many people do. Sometimes those with traumatic childhoods unconsciously create lives which are safe, routine, predictable - but maybe every now and again, you need something to disrupt the everyday, break the monotony, give you a lift. Good luck.

I’m sorry but I think you’re the one who is slightly misguided here. Most people haven’t told OP to just be positive or reframe her thinking about her past. They’ve literally told her that it’s about acceptance and moving forward, but they’ve taken that to mean ‘minimising’ their experience.

ACT is literally based on CBT - do some research please before you dismiss everyone else on this post! You’ll find it’s very much about living in the now - which again, people have shared in this post!

You’re absolutely right. We can acknowledge, agree and point in a direction, but we can’t do the actual work. The reason I mentioned ACT is that it’s designed for exactly what the OP is describing, but that’s a conversation to have with a professional rather than something to piece together from replies online.

I suppose sometimes the most useful thing a thread can do is confirm that what you’re feeling is real and recognised, and that the right kind of help does exist, be that ACT or discussing with a professional about how her fairly recent hysterectomy, which, even when well managed, can have a subtle but real effect on mood and how we process the past.

Whether OP takes any of this forward is entirely up to her.

How to not feel this way?

Obviously I don’t know you so please take what’s helpful and ignore what isn’t, I’ll certainly be wrong in places.

It sounds to me like your longing for success is the story on top of some very very legitimate feelings about not being wanted, not being enough, not belonging resulting from your difficult childhood and subsequent difficulties socially. Very common for autistic people to feel this way, very common for victims of childhood abuse to feel this way.

children especially but also adults in abusive relationships often internalize any poor treatment of themselves as being deserved. It leads to a deep and profound sense of shame. You may have spent much of your childhood trying to be good enough to deserve loving stable parents. If school was a place where you could do well that would be a comfort to you but could easily become too central in your identity. That aligns with not wanting to risk that identity by eg applying to Oxbridge.

Your brain is trying to protect you. “That’s impossible” or “I won’t try” protects from failure that might hurt something very precious to your psyche. And “I would have / should have” is a similar response to the shame you feel. I think that’s why you find other people sharing stories of adversity so threatening (though I also want to acknowledge that some posts have been genuinely horrible).

I think some posters are trying to suggest radical, total acceptance as one path forward. Don’t try to bargain with the shame, don’t think about what could have been. Life went as it did, you acted as you did. Some people find comfort in a sort of detachment, looking at a memory without indulging or pushing away emotion, just accepting it.

Others suggest focusing forward and on the things you can do and can take control of.

It’s clear that continuing to focus on the negative feelings and narrative so much is harmful to you and keeping you stuck. There’s no blame there, truly. I was once told that depression is addictive, basically because familiarity is addictive. Your brain finds comfort in retreading the same paths, it’s scary to think in a different way. I don’t believe you can force your way out of painful emotions but it is possible to give yourself a break from them by choosing to focus for a while on positives. It sounds glib but it really can help.

Start small. You don’t need to change your whole life to start feeling better. The grief for what could have been is real. Let yourself feel it and then let yourself come back to the present. You did and do deserve to be loved. Life is easier for many, that’s true. It’s also true that you’ve done really well, and it’s healthy to feel proud of achievements that aren’t “exceptional”.

some people find it helpful to imagine the child version of themselves inside their mind. now you’re an adult you have the privilege of talking to that child version of you the way she should have been spoken to by parents. Loving parents are proud of their child’s achievements even if they’re not always top of the class or don’t win an Olympic medal or whatever. When you allow yourself to feel pride in the fact that you’re good at your job, for example, without the caveat that you “ought” to have a better job, it’s like giving your inner child that affirmation she should have had. She deserves that kindness.

the last thing I hear from your posts is the sense of the grind that so many are feeling right now. Life is expensive and well paid jobs are scarce. It’s shit, and very much not a reflection of you. Longing for things to be easier is totally natural. Finding places where you can have agency helps a lot against the sense of being trapped.

well I hope something in there was helpful. You’re obviously very strong, given how much you’ve already come through in life.

I agree.

People do tend to mistake recounting their own experiences - often irrelevant to the OP’s - for empathy. But there’s also been a lot of ‘pull your socks up’ or ‘be grateful’ which I don’t think helps at all.

I don’t know why people think that most people have a similar experience to having an alcoholic father who died young and an emotionally neglectful mother. It makes for a very difficult childhood that is hard to overcome. If you had had a positive, loving relationship in your twenties that might have helped you to make up for what you missed out in your early years. But an abusive relationship would have compounded things.

Being able to grieve for what you missed out on is not a waste of time and will help you to move forward rather than hold you back. I would think that some kind of relational therapy would be more useful for your kind of healing than CBT or DBT.

Where I do agree with PPs is that you have every chance of improving your life and finding meaningful connections. Life is not over at 40 and you can make changes at any time.

Good luck OP.

dear OP, you should be so proud to have achieved so much at 40, despite the rough starts you had in live and the missed autism diagnosis! A lot is people would be chuffed to be middle management in the NHS and own a home, you have done really well!
But experiencing grief, and this is said with kindness, that’s not justified at all. For perspective, here is what situation a am the moment- I’m 51, two years ago I had a Norma simple life, husband and two kids. Lower management, DH earned the money… Today- my husband has stage 4 cancer with a very poor prognosis, my older child had become rude and selfish, and away to uni and doesn’t want to talk to us unless money are needed, my younger child has joined a terrible friend group and has a girlfriend that is a bully and manipulator but my DD won’t see it and we fight over it all the blooming time, she’s also self harming if we limit her to spend time with the GF, and DD has stoped all her hobbies and talents to please the GF! so I’m grieving the life I had… as I feel, and I know that soon I will have absolutely noone.
And sometimes I wish I never had them so I wouldn’t know how sad I’ll feel without them.
Sometimes I even wish I was dead so I wouldn’t have to see my husband suffer!
In conclusion, at 40, and with your obvious strengths, you can still achieve a lot, adopt a baby or have one by donor sperm, change your career path, I know NHS would be happy to fund any career courses or development you might request, etc etc.

all the best! X

You’re right that ACT grew out of the CBT tradition but, from my understanding, where it differs is that it doesn’t try to change thoughts at all, it changes your relationship with them. That’s why it tends to be recommended when CBT hasn’t worked. Not a disagreement, just a distinction that might be useful for OP.

Sorry but although some people might find your approach helpful OP has made it very clear that she doesn’t. I wouldn’t either. If I was finding life hard, hearing about someone else’s problems would be the opposite of validating and how you’ve come through when she feels she hasn’t would feel shaming.

I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time and well done for being so resilient but I just don’t think that’s what OP really needs and she’s actually said that.

I agree mostly … but the model does still contain pretty standard CBT approaches - it’s just built on them basically. It doesnt focus so much on the thought itself, but our relationship with it (which you’ve pointed out correctly, so apologies for misunderstanding you initially).

I think my point is that it’s unfair to say that people trying to support OP to shift her perspective and reframe her thinking is wrong - as actually, ACT is exactly that.

It won’t try to change her feelings about her past (those are valid, as most of us have already said) but it will get her to focus on purposeful action and thinking in the present moment (rather than being stuck on what could have/should have been)

This is one of the core components of ACT “Paying attention to their current environment is about immersing ourselves in the present moment and observing everything happening around us. This concept is all about focusing on the here and now, rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.” which honestly, 80% of the comments here have been telling OP something very similar!

Fair enough. I guess i just tried my best to show my own version of resilience, and my way of dealing with a difficult hand dealt.

My post was never meant to provoke a feeling of minimising the OP's resilience or her experiences. It was just a way to approach it through saying "I understand hard times". Hopefully i haven't upset the OP in any way...😬😪

You didn’t, and most people here see that 💕 OP was the one who initially gave a ‘I’d give up everything to …’ post, and you responded in a supportive approach by sharing your side of that same coin. Ignore the haters, and thank you for being a light! ☀️