AIBU to grieve the life I feel I might have had?

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

Just looking for some advice on how to get over mourning the life I feel I should have had.

For context, I had an awful childhood, including an alcoholic abusive father who died when I was young, and an emotionally unavailable mother who liked to throw material things at me to make up for it. I was bullied all my life including in first jobs, I suspect due to being autistic which I didn’t know until I was 35. Despite all of this I was the classic overachiever, identified for a glittering career from when I was a small child (suggestions as far back as primary school included a brain surgeon or the prime minister 😂)

But sadly an abusive relationship in my 20s and significant mental health issues due to life events put paid to that. I’m 40 now, I have an NHS middle management role, my own home, nice holidays etc but I put in an incredible amount of hours over two jobs to be able to afford it. Single after a string of failed relationships, no kids. I just feel like I’ve missed the boat in terms of potential…

I’m on holiday at the moment in a fairly upmarket resort and spent the evening a few nights ago talking/drinking with a group in their late 20s who all worked in the city, flats in Chelsea, etc. Oxbridge educated (I have a degree and masters from an RG uni but I could have gotten into either of them). I just now look back and think - I could have done that - but my circumstances held me back, I wanted to do a grad scheme and move to London but my ex held me back and I got a mortgage instead.

I know it’s too late to change it all now - I don’t have the transferable skills and certainly couldn’t afford more than a house share in the south (and that’s impossible for me to do). I know comparison is the thief of joy but I could just do with some advice on how to get over it. I just feel like I’ve missed out so much
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not relevant.

Deal with the resentment you feel towards your parents, I feel there lies the root of this feeling. We could all have done anything under other circumstances. We did not, because we could not. Tackle the feelings you have towards the people who forced the circumstances upon you.

Look how far you've come OP! You've managed to do all of this in the face of adversity and struggle, what a tremendous achievement.
FWIW I have done something similar, I came from an underclass (violent sadistic parents, with child, domestic and animal abuse) and now appear to be doing ok as I head towards retirement. I have had a lot of what-if thoughts, not helped by occasional comments from others who have said "we don't know why you aren't working at a national leadership level" in my field. But our journeys have been perhaps longer than those of our peers.

I rarely talk about my upbringing because people are prone to disbelief and think I'm making it up, or some sort of fantasist.

I also feel very privileged because I've experienced things that would never have felt possible when I was a child.

Your hard work and determination has paid off, well done. You might not have achieved so much if you'd had the advantages which those around you have had 🌷🌷🌷

I feel for you OP. It’s so tough looking back and realising that things didn’t turn out the way you’d assumed they would. I can relate to a lot of the things in your post. Be aware that trauma and abuse have lasting effects on how you feel about yourself. You have achieved so much and gave so much in your life that has gone well. But I understand that if you don’t feel good inside then it’s hard to see things that way. I highly recommend getting some trauma therapy, it might just give you a different perspective on yourself and your life, and help you to make some changes to things in your life. Like a PP said - you have a great situation where you could relocate/ change career / create a startup in something you love / or even just invest time and money into a new hobby that really fulfills you. The world is your oyster. You’re a survivor and that demonstrates massive resilience and fortitude. Your next phase of life can be anything you want it to be ❤️

YABU and it seem to be in the water with people in your age group who have had literally everything but even 20 years into adulthood they are still complaining

You've had 20 years to get therapy and make the life you want but you haven't done that. That's not on your parents or anything else. that's completely on you at this point.

You own a home. You have a decent job. You're able to take luxury vacations . I'm sure you have nice things. Maybe practice being grateful for what you have and liking what you have to start with.

You made the decisions you made. There’s little point blaming the circumstances around them because even if they weren’t in the way there’s no guarantee you’d have achieved more. For all you know you’d have caved under the pressure or been hit by a bus.

Maybe write everything you’re feeling down and all the things you wished for and all the things that could have been worse and get it all down and then put a line under it and say that is that. Life is wasted wishing for more.

Your autism is also making you focus on the fact that it all feels unfair. And it is unfair. Life is unfair. You could have been born disadvantaged AND unintelligent. But you weren’t. Is that fair?

I'm not so sure. I (and most of my friends) are late 20s, went to RG unis, worked in the city etc. and are homeowners.

OP, it's only human to occasionally reflect on and grieve for the life you could have had.

But don't dwell on it. And please don't think 'it's too late' to do anything, aged forty. There are so many things you could do. First, take stock of what you have achieved. And bear in mind that undiagnosed, unsupported autism is a huge stumbling block. Despite it, you completed your degree (many brilliant autistic people don't). You hold down responsible jobs (many talented autistic people can't, due to stress. You have your own home. These are major life achievements. Real milestones: degree, own own, secure job. Don't diss them. Many people never achieve all three, and you have done so less than half way through your life.

It is not too late to fall in love. Not too late to have children. I'm not saying these are bound to happen, but they could. I had DC around your age. Many women do, these days.

If an Oxbridge degree matters to you, you could consider doing a Masters or DPhil. The DPhils are expensive but part-time Masters are affordable.

When I have felt like you feel, I have made long lists of things I have achieved. Even starting very young, like 'learned to swim/read and write/ride a bike' reminds us that we acquire skills and achieve goals as we go along and then immediately take them for granted and devalue them. Appreciate them. Then make a list of things you'd like to do, learn, achieve in an ideal world. Take note of the ones that resonate most powerfully with you and take steps towards them. Looking back with regret for too long is quite a cruel thing to do to ourselves as we can't change the past. But we can use it to help us focus on what we want now and in the future.

You have missed no boats. You're on the boat. You've just navigated life's waters, good and bad.
You seem to be wanting to reach for more and more, despite your fantastic achievements. You seem to regret not having more or being more of what and who you already are.

When I was your age, OP, I came up against two things: Childhood shit that most of us have a history of, and also, my terrible, abusive marriage that I continued to stay in until my ex-husband was actually arrested and imprisoned for his abuse. That was five years ago. I was just coming up on 50 when life imploded. And then I was at ground zero. I had to scrape my way out of a monumental existential crisis. I never mock anyone else's. And that is exactly what you are experiencing now: An existential crisis.

It seems to me that from a young age, your life map was plotted by others who took ownership of your personal expectations before you could even form them. And you've only known to answer to that call ever since.
Also, it has to be said that there is something extremely, densely damaging when our closest people of trust are also our abusers, telling us what to do, how to be, who to become.

An unexemplary alcoholic father and a negligent mother as your mentors and guides is an oxymoron you're continuing to live out. Abuser as healer or pathfinder never works. And I have learned that the road to success is often paved with bad parenting or bad examples handed to us by inept mentors thus creating lifelong dysfunction. All of us face this to some degree. Not one soul on this planet gets a free pass.

I wonder if you really regret, really truly grieve needing/wanting more success, more out of life, or if you just haven't learned how to turn down life's noise. The past can be bombastic. Learn to turn it down and turn down the voices that dominate it.
You need less of everything, not more.

We overuse the word 'radical' as in radical acceptance, radical kindness, radical whatever... it's a bit bullshitty, I know, but there is a time and a place when we do need to sit with our human experience and radically accept what is, what was, what has shaped us, what has damaged and harmed us, and what has been the making of us. And then you sort of have to extract the finer points of those experiences and condense them into something that is digestible; totally and utterly and wholly accepted and understood and even cherished. Everything is a lesson. Everything is a gift that teaches us something. You don't have to be happy about it or say it was ok that bad shit happened... just understand that our human experience and our time here on earth is just that, an experience. You're not meant to get it right. That's not at all the point, I believe anyway.
Maybe 40 is your time to start travelling inward... soul searching time. Less is more. When you understand what that means, your inner world expands in ways our material world cannot.

You are you. You are your own entity. Your path is yours alone. Your human experience is yours alone. And that can't be changed. But it can be accepted, respected, and nurtured, and explored. And then comes a deep and meaningful, purposeful enjoyment of being alive. But you've got to do the work, OP. It starts with you.

Hi OP I get it I really do.

I had a difficult childhood, was the stereotypical good girl who achieved high grades and went totally under the radar. My twenties were a sh*tshow of unsuitable boyfriends, renting all over the place, trying to function in a career type job but then having periods of travelling for months at a time too. Chaos and no guidance or direction or idea of how to live life like a 'proper' human. I was so confused and depressed really.

Age 30 I met my DH, had a child, got a mortgage, started a business a few years later. That thrived for a while, then stopped. Then in my mid 40s I found out I was autistic with adhd, which explained a lot! Still coming to terms with all that but trying not to compare myself - I always had this nagging feeling that I wasn't fulfilling my potential and why couldn't I just get on at work like all my friends?

Anyway, now hurtling towards 50, I have re-trained and am about to launch a new business for my third and final chapter.

I think you have so much going for you, and it may help to reframe your life through the lens of how much you have managed to achieve despite the trauma you experienced when younger.

Also - 40 is young, believe me! I would love to have an extra 10 years to play with!

I don’t agree with the tough love, actually.

I think you have had some very rough times, and missed out on things that you would have chosen, if circumstances were different.

it’s ok to grieve what might have been. Life is unfair on many who don’t deserve it.

You can be immensely proud of the person you have become and alll that you have achieved. 40 is still young, I promise you.

Let these feelings sit. It’s ok to be sad about what we don’t or can’t have.

Perhaps these feelings, if not pushed aside, will show you what you have learned IS important to you, and how with your next steps you can pursue what your heart truly desires.

I read a wonderful story of a woman, who was made redundant at 42 then retrained as a helicopter pilot for the air ambulance!

Many women have biological or adopted children in their 40’s. A good friend of mine adopted a baby on her own, followed two years later by a toddler.

Be sad, it’s ok. So much that happened was unfair and not your fault.

You are bright and competent and with everything you’ve learned I see a wonderful future for you

In general, though, it sounds like you have a lot of achievements that you should be very proud of, that others would envy. You're a homeowner, highly educated, do not have anything tying you down. Not many people can just go on holiday to a lovely resort. Did you know over 80% of people in the world have never taken a flight? Kindly, if I were you, I'd be (a) focusing on what I have to be grateful for and (b) trying to change the things that are making me unhappy. Quite frankly, no one else will change it for you.

I get it OP - I grieve the life I wanted but proved elusive but it’s a waste of time. There are aspects of your life that would make other envious.

Try to focus on what you have instead of what you don’t.

There will always be people who are in a better situation than you.

No matter how pretty, how successful, how rich etc - there will always be someone who has more than you.

It would be pointless trying to compare yourself to others when their situations are completely different.

FWIW I never go to high-end places because I feel like the majority of people have no idea what it’s like to live in the real world.
I don’t like stereotyping but many of them that I’ve met are pretentious and look down their noses at people.

OP it is never too late to make changes to your life.

A new job, new hobbies, a move to a different, cheaper location.

And you can start dating again. If you want a family you might meet a man with kids or you can look at adoption or fostering. Or you might realise that many people are perfectly happy single.

Looking back is never going to achieve anything.

Just start making small changes to improve your life as it is, not wasting time on thinking how it could have been.

I am older than you and I have not stopped trying new things and enjoying life as much as I can!

Seconded. I am really not into self help books, but this is a thought provoking novel which helped me reflect on what ifs but feel better about the life I have, accept the cards that were dealt, and the choices I made. The book helped me to park any regrets and think with more optimism of future possibilities, which sounds like it could be helpful to you and how you feel right now. It's just a book, but something you can do right now.

OP, I think you've achieved so much against all odds.
I was also a great student and everybody expected I'd go to places.
I got a horrible low-paid corporate job and I burnt out pretty quickly. Then I left everything and emigrated. Got married, had kids. Now I'm mainly a mom and self-employed, but nothing special. I feel happy in spite of my 'failure to launch'. I don't think I would have had a much better life, had I chosen a different path.
When I look at my old high school or uni friends, most of the people who are now really successful in their careers were just average students back then.

I literally cannot afford to move to a city, my autism means I can’t house share, my mortgage is currently £800 a month which would get me nothing and I literally don’t have a spare penny to be able to pay more (I also have debt and two cats who I can’t give up)
I suppose right now I just need the chance to progress in my career from where I am now but it’s impossible when there’s cuts left right and centre and those jobs are never being advertised. It’s not that I’m being held back from doing them or can’t get those jobs, they just don’t exist at the moment.

I really want to add, OP, that I feel deeply for you. The job market is not great, to say the least, and the cost of living is excessive (same song, different year).

Can you change careers and do something that is more autism friendly? I hope to god I don't sound trite. Two of my three kids are ND (one diagnosed ASD) and of course, I am almost certain that I am undiagnosed- just can't really do people and life on a bigger scale. I love people. I just don't want to have to share too much space with them unless they're my tribe. I have learned, raising my own kids and reflecting on my own life, that creating a life that works well with their needs while gently stretching boundaries without this becoming a traumatic 'push' keeps us all at peace. Nobody needs to 'go big or go home'. Peace in our day is the priority.

I just wonder if instead of looking to expand and be more, maybe think more about what you personally need in order to function peacefully without giving up too much. Don't think of it as restricting yourself, but tailoring a life that is more suited to your needs. This could mean looking at jobs that might bring you more joy. You could retrain as something else entirely without it needing to be another debt incurring process. Look for work from home opportunities through organisations like The National Trust, Church/Diocese vacancies (most jobs have nothing to do with being in a church), National Archives, civil service, council websites. I'm just throwing stuff out there. I hope I am not being insensitive.

Read a few more threads on here and you will cherish your safe and comfortable life.

Hmmm… there seems to be a lot of blaming everyone else for not achieving what you wanted in life. Maybe you would have done better without them, maybe you wouldn’t have. A lot in life is down to chance, including whether or not you are born with a high IQ. You could have been in your situation with no academic abilities, and be stuck in a dead end job scrubbing toilets. Focus on the things you do have.

You could have been in your situation with no academic abilities, and be stuck in a dead end job scrubbing toilets

Have you seen the film Perfect Days? Mind you, those are Tokyo toilets. If the film were called Perfect Days, A London Story, the vibe would be completely different and the ending would be terrible. 😆

I think what do you want now? Make a list, and see what’s achievable.

I did the living in London (in flat and house shares) and have a job there still. Honestly the cost of living was so high, and it was only in my mid 30’s I was able to buy anything despite having a 6 figure salary. I was paying £1500 rent in a house share. My friend’s similar. We had children later, late 30’s/early 40’s as a result. I feel burnt out.

It’s still possible for you if you want children. I met women in their early 40’s doing it alone with sperm donors when I had my first. If that’s what you want. Otherwise look at career, travel, new skills, new groups you can join.

Im

I’m a similar age to you and I think it is common for turning 40 to be a big thing where you take stock. More so than previous big birthdays

Sorry just to add a couple more things, I may need to resurrect this thread when I’m back home as struggling on the mobile app to reply to everyone.

I’ve always suffered with endometriosis and probably was unable to have kids so I had a hysterectomy last year. My menopause is well managed with HRT but not sure if it’s impacting the way I’m feeling. I never really wanted kids anyway but that also makes it more difficult to meet someone as often at my age they want kids or have young kids (or already have ED issues which is another story entirely!)

I have had therapy. A ton of therapy. Several rounds of CBT (not effective in autism) DBT (after misdiagnosis of my autism as BPD), CAT therapy. It’s helped but it can’t take away these feelings. I’m not trying to blame others for the way my life has turned out, but I know things would have been different had my dad not died, or my ex been abusive, as they were the main triggers leading to my depression and two suicide attempts (along with a serious accident that left me needing reconstructive surgery and years of learning acceptance that I would always look different from how I did previously)

I’ve tried to do as much as I can to further my career - taken secondments, additional qualifications etc - but the jobs aren’t there. My main job pays my bills, my second is fun money.

OP.

My life was changed a decade ago after I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome before being injured permanently by an off label antipsychotic prescribed for severe insomnia and anxiety. It gave me a movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia that is a bit like Tourette's and Parkinson's disease combined.

I have wasted many hours (possibly months or even years) dwelling on what ifs and woe is me, but I'm still making the most of my life. I lost my full health but I am still here.

I have 3 beautiful children, a husband who loves me, my parents are still healthy and alive, I WFH in a part time job... yes, life is precious, and i could benefit from being slimmer and less perimenopausal, but i tell myself to really try and be grateful for lots of good things.

You can only control the now, the loss of anything in the past is just that - in the past. Dwelling on it entirely won't change it or benefit you.

I think there's even scientific evidence of how gratitude reshapes neural pathways, making the brain focus less on the negative.

Life is what it is. There is always something to be grateful for every day.

Again, I think you would do better to try to build a picture of what you would like your life to be like, rather than focusing on what you don't like. Cities and house shares are just examples based on your opening post. You're more likely to be able to make changes once you've worked out what you actually want.