AIBU to grieve the life I feel I might have had?

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

Just looking for some advice on how to get over mourning the life I feel I should have had.

For context, I had an awful childhood, including an alcoholic abusive father who died when I was young, and an emotionally unavailable mother who liked to throw material things at me to make up for it. I was bullied all my life including in first jobs, I suspect due to being autistic which I didn’t know until I was 35. Despite all of this I was the classic overachiever, identified for a glittering career from when I was a small child (suggestions as far back as primary school included a brain surgeon or the prime minister 😂)

But sadly an abusive relationship in my 20s and significant mental health issues due to life events put paid to that. I’m 40 now, I have an NHS middle management role, my own home, nice holidays etc but I put in an incredible amount of hours over two jobs to be able to afford it. Single after a string of failed relationships, no kids. I just feel like I’ve missed the boat in terms of potential…

I’m on holiday at the moment in a fairly upmarket resort and spent the evening a few nights ago talking/drinking with a group in their late 20s who all worked in the city, flats in Chelsea, etc. Oxbridge educated (I have a degree and masters from an RG uni but I could have gotten into either of them). I just now look back and think - I could have done that - but my circumstances held me back, I wanted to do a grad scheme and move to London but my ex held me back and I got a mortgage instead.

I know it’s too late to change it all now - I don’t have the transferable skills and certainly couldn’t afford more than a house share in the south (and that’s impossible for me to do). I know comparison is the thief of joy but I could just do with some advice on how to get over it. I just feel like I’ve missed out so much
.

I’m understanding you are a property owner. I bet they are still renting (unless family money)

People can have miserable lives regardless of the material trappings they have or the seeming achievements. You don't know what is really going on in any of those people's lives, - people put on a social front, don't forget that.
They might be hiding that they are battling with infidelity, an abusive partner, illness in their child, secret debt etc etc etc

YANBU to grieve the life you might have had, but you are wasting your time doing so.

In the nicest possible way YABU.
Stop spending time regretting things that you can’t change and dwelling on how amazing your life could have been.

You are you. You have life experiences that have made you who you are. You can’t change that, but you can change how you look back on your life, and you can make changes now if that’s what you want to do.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

you are being massively unreasonable.

Basically, people dwell on things because they allow themselves to.

Every time this subject is in your head, think of something in your life you're grateful for and push it out. Eventually you won't think about it any more. If there is anything you want to, and can change, about your current life, then focus on that. You are in control of both your life and your mind!

You really need to change your mindset away from considering yourself a passenger in your life to being in the driving seat. Many people find their path in life in their 40s or 50s. You likely have more than half your life left to live, why on earth would you consider it's too late to change anything and just resign yourself to 40 more years of dissatisfaction? You are so focussed on the things you can't do (FYI 99.99% of the population can't get a flat in Chelsea!) that you aren't considering the things you CAN.

Start now. Make a list. By all means be realistic - you can't afford to jump ship and buy a house in the most exclusive part of west London alone - but there will be some things you could do. Why not give yourself the homework to write some things on this thread you can do.

I was really unhappy and trapped feeling a few years back and to be honest the thing that made the biggest change for me was just making some new friends and getting some new hobbies. Yes I'm still trapped in a job I dislike, yes I have a trail of broken friendships behind me, yes I'm in persistent debt but I have a group of mates that really spark joy and that's enough to make it all easier.

And what about the stage 4 cancer you might have got? Being made redundant during the crash and ending up homeless with no safety net? Failing out of Oxbridge due to their notoriously bad SEND support even for dyslexia back in the day and ending up with no degree? The past can go both ways. It could have been better or worse. No sense lamenting the possible better version without acknowledging how lucky you are to have avoided the worse version.

Jealously is a useless emotion and no good will come of dwelling over what could have been! Focus on the life you have made for yourself and how far you have come and you never know things may change! I’d decided I’d missed the boat for being married and was quite happy to remain on my own and here I am now happily married!

Self pity is never productive. Maybe you’ve been drinking a few too many bevvies on holiday and the alcohol in your system is making you come over all mawkish. Go for a nice swim, drink some water, have a salad, count your blessings. And of course, pull up your big girl pants.

I’m sure this is a fairly common issue.

I can’t go into detail but I identified with a lot of what you wrote and a couple years ago I eventually had counselling. I only stopped because of financial reasons, but I do think it helped in the long run.

“I could’ve been someone.” “Well so could anyone”

A lot of people had the potential to achieve great things. Most people don’t for one reason or another. That’s why the great ones stand out.

Ah well OP, most people are just plebs anyway.

Having children changed this for me, because if anything in my life before I had them was different I wouldn’t have had them. But yes, I relate to a point: in my case I lost parents very young and during the years where my friends were partying, establishing relationships and launching careers I was muddling around in a fog of grief and survival.

But I am OK now; more than OK. I am sure you will be too

You sound to have made a good life despite a tough start and difficult events. Clearly - you are resourceful, resilient, and a survivor.

If you are unhappy in your present life - change it.

Perhaps small changes will satisfy you.
If the changes you want are big, then you'll probably have to give up some good things from your present life ...and that might be difficult. Of course, difficult is not impossible

40 is actually a great time for a new start. I know quite a few people who found that to be so. (My own 'stay-at-home-only-educated-to-16-mother-of-4' went to university and trained as a teacher starting at your age. She loved it and remained a teacher until retirement. The world benefitted and she became almost a new person.)

This could be your third chapter - one of adventure and timed to when you have the life-experience to appreciate it. (Much adventure is wasted on the young.)

A lot of people in my generation, I’m 58, were never diagnosed with autism or ADHD, and suffered for it in every possible way- they left education, went from relationship to relationship, earned minimum wage for 30 years….you did very well with two RG degrees and your own home. I hope you can learn to feel proud of yourself and know that you are more than enough.

The old 'coulda woulda shoulda' syndrome

I have kids and I still genuinely feel that you could have an amazing life without. Try to think about what you would like to achieve in the next, say, 5 years. Living abroad, perhaps? Change of career? You're so much freer than someone with a partner and children. I know that might sound like a downside but it could be a huge benefit too!

I bet that group in their late twenties also compare themselves to others and think they’re not doing enough / haven’t achieved enough by their age. There’s always going to be someone worse off than you and someone better off than you, so (and I mean this kindly) try and be grateful for what you DO have and be proud of everything you’ve achieved despite that difficult start.

All those obstacles and you have achieved so much.

Be proud of what you have done.

I think you are completely entitled to feel hard done by and resentful. Having such a rough childhood must be awful and it’s not surprising that it has a massive effect on how your life pans out.

I think it’s healthy to acknowledge the ‘what if’s’ in life as long as you can also be grateful to the things you should be grateful for.
Ive lots of things that I am grateful
for but there are a few
things that I wish had worked out better. I think thats ok and I think it’s normal.
Have you ever considered some counselling? I wonder if you found the right person it might help you process your thoughts. I think it’s ok to be sad about things but you don’t want to risk becoming bitter.

This

You cannot change the past

Think of a new goal for the future for yourself & spend time & energy working towards that.
Do something new ?
New job
New hobby

You have a job, time & money for a holiday
Be grateful for that

What has this got to do with anything? Property ownership is not the key to a happy life

Meaningless to say you could've got into Oxbridge. Loads of people think that and don't. You got two degrees from a good uni, that's nothing to be regretting, and generally better to own your agency and see things as a choice you made than to put it all on your ex for holding you back. If you'd wanted to move to London and go on a grad scheme more than staying with the ex and getting a mortgage, that's what you'd have done. But you chose him and the house, which will have had it's upsides despite the fact the ex didn't work out ultimately. The grad scheme and whatever DP you might've got in London isn't any guarantee of greater happiness. Honestly this kind of thinking is just feeding the misery that will suck you down. Look at it spoiling a nice experience on holiday. There's no other life to grieve, only this life to live now. Focus on that and if depression or negative ways of thinking are ruining it, get meds/tools/help for it.