AIBU to grieve the life I feel I might have had?

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

Just looking for some advice on how to get over mourning the life I feel I should have had.

For context, I had an awful childhood, including an alcoholic abusive father who died when I was young, and an emotionally unavailable mother who liked to throw material things at me to make up for it. I was bullied all my life including in first jobs, I suspect due to being autistic which I didn’t know until I was 35. Despite all of this I was the classic overachiever, identified for a glittering career from when I was a small child (suggestions as far back as primary school included a brain surgeon or the prime minister 😂)

But sadly an abusive relationship in my 20s and significant mental health issues due to life events put paid to that. I’m 40 now, I have an NHS middle management role, my own home, nice holidays etc but I put in an incredible amount of hours over two jobs to be able to afford it. Single after a string of failed relationships, no kids. I just feel like I’ve missed the boat in terms of potential…

I’m on holiday at the moment in a fairly upmarket resort and spent the evening a few nights ago talking/drinking with a group in their late 20s who all worked in the city, flats in Chelsea, etc. Oxbridge educated (I have a degree and masters from an RG uni but I could have gotten into either of them). I just now look back and think - I could have done that - but my circumstances held me back, I wanted to do a grad scheme and move to London but my ex held me back and I got a mortgage instead.

I know it’s too late to change it all now - I don’t have the transferable skills and certainly couldn’t afford more than a house share in the south (and that’s impossible for me to do). I know comparison is the thief of joy but I could just do with some advice on how to get over it. I just feel like I’ve missed out so much
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BertieMartini
YANBU to grieve the life you might have had, but you are wasting your time doing so.

Thats it - op honestly I sighed at middle management role and own house, were on a great holiday … You have to start seeing the great things you have, I get you’ve had it very tough but you’ve so many achievements x

I don’t think it’s too late at all. Middle management is basically just transferable skills, so I’m not sure why you’d think you don’t have any. You might want to think about having a career coaching chat with AI to help you reframe your career potential.

If you were that bright and had so much potential at school, that’s unlikely to have gone away and you just now need to figure out how best to apply yourself to realise that potential.

With no kids, I think right now you have a mindset problem not a circumstances problem (which is much easier to address)

YANBU to grieve the life you might have had and trite reassurances like - well, at least have a home/don't live in Gaza, you have a job, you still have all your limbs and pull yourself together don't really help (in my view). Sort of like telling a person with depression - well, what do you have to be depressed about?

Give yourself time to mourn the life you might have had - 'might', not 'could', I'd stress. Any 'loss' takes time to grieve before you can move on.

I'm not necessarily saying get therapy but this article may give you food for thought and some ideas from a psychological perspective

www.peacefullivingmentalhealthcounseling.com/post/grieving-the-life-you-thought-you-d-have-a-trauma-informed-guide-to-letting-go-and-moving-forward

Sorry, I've just realised you're 40 - so really young! Plenty of time to do anything you put your mind to.

Oh OP, I can imagine how you feel... to be honest, I think being in NHS middle management is not helping. It's a very toxic culture with plenty of bullying and oneupmanship from stupid people.

You feel as though all ships have sailed and passed you by, but "Life begins at 40" - and I really mean it - mine did!

Assuming you don't get hit by a bus or some kind of terminal illness, there is plenty of time for your life to change in positive ways.

At your age, I was slaving in the NHS, had a succession of abusive relationships after ending my abusive first marriage, was always skint, etc etc. My early life was no bed of roses, either.

Now (mid-60s) I am very successfully self-employed and very happily married, etc etc. Life is so good that I no longer envy people who appear to "have it all" because I wouldn't swap places with anyone.

What's that Chinese proverb: The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The next best time to plant it is now.

Never too late to learn, grow, and change direction OP 🤗

Why can’t you retrain now and do something you are more passionate about? Why couldn’t you move somewhere more exciting?

I did all that glittering stuff in my 20s, PhD from a RG uni, big career, marriage and kids, big house (though I could only buy when I was 40). But after a 20 year career, I decided to pack it in and retrain for something new at 43. Unfortunately, then I got diagnosed with cancer and I haven’t been able to complete my qualification as going through at least 3 years of treatment and I’m not well enough. But at 40, you have probably another 30 years of working life ahead of you. It’s not too late to do something different!

Same with housing. I’m locked into where I live (which I love btw) because of Dh and dc. But there is absolutely no reason you couldn’t move to London or abroad. Not everything in London is £500k. Or you could Airbnb your place and go work abroad or save up and go travelling. World is your oyster without dependents. You only get one life. You absolutely aren’t shackled to this version of it forever.

Btw, I also had a traumatic childhood. I had no family left by the time I was 40. All either dead or I was NC. I agree with the suggestion you have a mindset problem not a circumstances problem. Therapy helped me a lot. I think you need to reframe what you do have an explore how you can jump off from here because you have a lot of potential.

This!

Sending 🫂 OP. I agree with the suggestions to plan for what your future could be like.

I think it sounds like you’ve achieved plenty with a really difficult start and you clearly have an incredible work ethic. You’re only in your 40s so please don’t fall into the trap of thinking just because you’re into middle age somehow it’s over for you. There’s a hell of a lot of life left - you could choose to do any number of things. Love doesn’t have an age date expiration or creativity or hobbies or any
number of incredible experiences.

I get how hard it is to feel sad about a life you could have led - but there’s a lot of life you could still have.

I had a brilliant business idea back in my 20s. But no money, no connections, and no clue “how” to be an entrepreneur. Two years later someone else came up with “my” idea - they are now minted and famous.

Just how the dice roll. Don’t overthink it.

Only you are holding you back. change direction x

Life is a lot longer than you think. If you're single, you are in the best position to do further training in any field you want, not necessarily to have a high-achieving "glittering career" but just to enjoy doing it for its own sake. Comparisons are odious.

I find the shoulda woulda couldas come at times when I feel particularly low.

How are you OP? You’ve achieved a lot, even if it’s not your full potential. I wonder if actually you’re just going through a tough time?

Read the midnight library

You never know what 'might' have happened. You're just assuming it would have. You have no idea. Would you have got into Oxbridge - you think so but it's not a definite by any means. Would you have been a brain surgeon - why do you think that, you probably wouldn't really. What I'm trying to say is that it is very easy to imagine how you think it might've been, chances are you're probably at the place you would've been anyway. You've achieved a lot. The decisions that you've made in the past reflect who you are - that is why you are where you are. Accept it, it's pretty good!

Apologies I’m currently away and not able to reply to each of your comments, but I do appreciate the support and the tough love.

@FasterMichelin i think you’ve hit the nail on the head, things are hard at the moment at work and personally. I know I’m lucky to be on this holiday but this is the one week of the year where I come and live what feels like someone else’s life, but unlike the majority of others here, I have to save all year for it.

In terms of moving and/or retraining, again I’m fortunate to live in the cheapest part of the country in terms of property, but that’s a double edged sword in terms of moving. I couldn’t even rent my place out without losing money as would need to charge my mortgage costs plus 40% for tax before I made a penny… that adds up to more than mortgage rate. Same way that I cannot afford to take a pay cut to do anything different without significantly cutting back on general life, including the things that do bring me pleasure.

I’ve been looking for a new job for a long time but sadly they are few and far between - I search within 50 miles on my grade and the two above and there are maybe maximum 7-8 jobs that match, most of which I don’t have the experience to do or are only temporary…

Hi OP. When you hit your 40s it's really common to take stock and look back and wonder what might have been different. I think it's fine to feel these feelings and to give yourself time and space to mourn. And to also make plans for what you want to change and grow in your life. I recommend giving yourself maybe an hour a day to feel sad etc (or two whatever feels right) and then say to yourself ok enough of that until tomorrow and then you get on with your day and focus on here and now and building tomorrow. Best of luck

It could be worse too, you could have fell into addiction or died. Your life is good, we all could’ve would’ve should’ve but that’s a moot point really.
Focusing on others doesn’t help. Look at that family who died falling from the expensive high rise apartment, from the outside they’d a good life, money, professional job, even with their ill son.
Be grateful that your life is peaceful now, that’s priceless.

You're only half way through your life! You can do anything you want, you know? The Ship is safe in the Harbour, but that's not what Ships are for.

What have you missed? Often and often children are projected as being brilliant but mostly they are big fish in small ponds. The chances of becoming PM are minute even if you make it into Parliament (only 650 of us can be MPs in the Commons and PMs are chosen from that group). The expectations were unrealistic. You have a higher degree, you went to a RG university and you are in middle management in your 40s. Not sure why you have two jobs but perhaps it pays for the nice hols?
Wishing for the might-have-been is pointless. You could change your career but you don't choose to and this you need to accept - or get up and go and get the knowledge you need for a different job.
Find some interests outside of work, meet some people your own age. An abusive relationship is damaging and you need to heal from it but it is possible - perhaps some counselling will help.
There is more to life than Oxbridge, flats in Chelsea and expensive holidays and you have many years in which to discover that.

I know it’s too late to change it all now

None of it is too late dear @OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends. Since I turned 40 I have started my own business and had a child...life is busy (sometimes chaotic) and I'm far from rich financially...but so very happy.

I also had a rubbish start in life. There comes a day when you have to park that and decide that you are not going to be defined by it...you have lots of time to make your life what you want it to be, some days it'll be difficult, some days it'll be easy...but I promise it will definitely be worth it!

I know a few people who worked big jobs burned out at 40 and work as taxi drivers and in salons now as the stress of working in the city or as a surgeon wasn't worth the money. If you wanted you could do a night class MBA and get a better job but what is it you crave

Everyone has hundreds of “What ifs” in their life. You are doing ok, if you want a different life then do something towards changing the one you are unhappy with.
Honestly, when I read the title of this thread I thought you must be coping with a terrible debilitating illness , or looking after a seriously ill child. You are well and having interesting holidays. Enjoy and appreciate your luck.

OP, what do you actually want to do? What would a successful life look like?

Your last post was full of reasons why you can’t change anything. I’m not entirely convinced- a single woman with no dependents can do almost anything, you just need to face up to the trade offs. If you want to live in london, maybe that’s a studio flat rather than your current house, or maybe it’s renting a room. If you want to change jobs, maybe that’s means a salary cut and starting at the bottom? Not saying these are trade offs you should make, only that it’s helpful to be honest about your choices. If you’d rather stay in your current role and home, great, but accept that as a choice you’re making.

If you can articulate what sort of life you’d actually like to have, you might be able to work out whether the sacrifices you’d need to make to get there are worth it.

Yeah. That way lies madness. Try to concentrate on the positives in your life. And you appear to have achieved a good standard of living in a very difficult climate. That's something to be very proud of. Especially given the tough start you had in life. Being married, having kids...doesn't always bring happiness.

I literally cannot afford to move to a city, my autism means I can’t house share, my mortgage is currently £800 a month which would get me nothing and I literally don’t have a spare penny to be able to pay more (I also have debt and two cats who I can’t give up)

I suppose right now I just need the chance to progress in my career from where I am now but it’s impossible when there’s cuts left right and centre and those jobs are never being advertised. It’s not that I’m being held back from doing them or can’t get those jobs, they just don’t exist at the moment