AIBU to grieve the life I feel I might have had?

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

Just looking for some advice on how to get over mourning the life I feel I should have had.

For context, I had an awful childhood, including an alcoholic abusive father who died when I was young, and an emotionally unavailable mother who liked to throw material things at me to make up for it. I was bullied all my life including in first jobs, I suspect due to being autistic which I didn’t know until I was 35. Despite all of this I was the classic overachiever, identified for a glittering career from when I was a small child (suggestions as far back as primary school included a brain surgeon or the prime minister 😂)

But sadly an abusive relationship in my 20s and significant mental health issues due to life events put paid to that. I’m 40 now, I have an NHS middle management role, my own home, nice holidays etc but I put in an incredible amount of hours over two jobs to be able to afford it. Single after a string of failed relationships, no kids. I just feel like I’ve missed the boat in terms of potential…

I’m on holiday at the moment in a fairly upmarket resort and spent the evening a few nights ago talking/drinking with a group in their late 20s who all worked in the city, flats in Chelsea, etc. Oxbridge educated (I have a degree and masters from an RG uni but I could have gotten into either of them). I just now look back and think - I could have done that - but my circumstances held me back, I wanted to do a grad scheme and move to London but my ex held me back and I got a mortgage instead.

I know it’s too late to change it all now - I don’t have the transferable skills and certainly couldn’t afford more than a house share in the south (and that’s impossible for me to do). I know comparison is the thief of joy but I could just do with some advice on how to get over it. I just feel like I’ve missed out so much
.

What ifs - what if they had had the childhood I had - would they get as far as I have ?

what if in your 40s means it is time to start thinking about what you know you want for your future. You don’t want to reach 80 and have the same thoughts over again

Trying to post a link to Gyles Brandreth audiobook 7 Secrets of Happiness.

Respecting your feelings and being compassionate towards your past and present self can go alongside a decision to focus on now and future happiness.

This book is a short entertaining listen and has some wisdom from late psychiatrist Anthony Clare.

[Book link](www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=7+secrets+of+happiness&adgrpid=186703329095&gad_source=1&hvadid=793419648466&hvdev=m&hvexpln=0&hvlocphy=1006714&hvnetw=g&hvocijid=4197070431840890337--&hvqmt=e&hvrand=4197070431840890337&hvtargid=kwd-380593885197&hydadcr=21614_2419887_374517&mcid=058cbd089bfa36ad96f8e433bee5556a&tag=hydrukspg-21&ref=pd_sl_9gdj2ag08v_e)

I am going to turn the advice around a bit. I think its fine and natural to grieve for the life you didn't have provided that you do it mindfully and also make an effort to appreciate the good in the life that you have. You aren't alone in your feelings....remember "I coulda bin a contender"

I don't know why people are voting you are being unreasonable. YANBU to grieve the life you may have had. But I do think you were set up for failure by such high expectations (without the support to make them come true) when you were young. Overachieving autistic women are often 'made for great things', then burn out by the age of 20 and never achieve what they were told they might. The thing is, being hard working and bright isn't enough. You need to recognise and take opportunities; and having some luck (meeting the right people, having at least some level of support etc) helps as well.

I think, whilst it's ok to regret you're not where you thought you would be at this age, you now need to think about where you'd like to be and what you need to change to make that happen. You don't have to have a guaranteed outcome. If you do nothing, you'll be no worse off, but definitely no better off. If you do something like, eg. learn a language, retrain in something you're interested in, it may not lead to a different career, but you'll have skills you don't have now. You could move to the SE. There's nothing but fear stopping you. You may not be able to afford a flat in Mayfair, but you could afford something, you could get another job, you could do further studies. Your life isn't over, just because it didn't follow the same path of some kids you met on holiday.

You haven't described grief. You've described envy, and that is the one sin which will never give you any pleasure.

I think we all have those ‘what if’ moments and wonder where life would have taken us if we’d made different decisions.

As others have said, you cannot change the past. What do you want from the future? Make plans to set this in motion. It won’t just happen. It could be something as simple as learning to paint, visiting Rome or owning a pet rabbit.

You can do something now and look back at this holiday as being the beginning of a new chapter. It's not one choice that makes a life, and it's not just one lost opportunity.

You do seem to be coming at this from a position of privilege.

I understand. I had years of trauma due to abusive ex and unsupportive family. I was offered a place during my degree studies at a college based campus. My tutor got me to go due to my grades and they met me and instantly offered me a place mid course.

I had to decline due to the horrific abuse I was suffering, move back to my hometown with my DC and work in bars and nightclubs to feed us. Started to study part time years later. I always wonder.

it makes me very sad. I’m in my 50s now have my own home hundreds of miles from where I was brought up no longer working due to my health (most of the above causing the health decline).

It’s not envy it’s oh I wonder how that would have been.

Well you can stop blaming everyone else for everything bad that’s happened and get on with your life, you might find it gets better.

There is nothing to say you could have done any of those things. People say all sorts of things at primary school. Who knows whether you could have been accepted to Oxbridge etc. All of that thought process completely removes any accountability from you, so is really disempowering.

Agreed

How old are you? I don't think it's ever too late. Sometimes I feel like you do, but then I think everything happens for a reason and I learnt a lot from things that happened to me, that perhaps I wished hadn't. For what it's worth, no way on this earth would I like to be a brain surgeon or the Prime Minister. Don't look back - go forward. I know that's easier said than done - but if you're still alive, there's still time for change.

I think we all wonder what if. I often wonder what if I had divorced my now ex when he was unfaithful when our DS was small instead of waiting another few years but maybe my life wouldn't have been a whole lot different. I will never know. Yes some bad stuff has happened to you but there could have been more/worse things and it sounds like you are doing alright. A decent job, own home and holidays are not thing everyone has. Look to the future as that is the thing you can do something about. What do you want to achieve in the next year, 5 years, 10 years? I am 53 and have plans for my future and eventual retirement but also make sure I put plans in place to see friends regularly, and to contact people if it has been a while. I used to think some people were busy if they had partners/families but in reality, they are always happy to meet up.

The best day to begin was yesterday. The second best is today.

OP. I was once one of those 20 something Oxbridge graduates living in SW London and out partying all the time. On the surface I looked like I had it all. But I was miserable. I hated living in London and just wanted to be back in the countryside where I grew up.

I left the high flying career and London life and I have never been happier. So don't judge things on how they appear to you on the outside. You don't know what's going on underneath. I can guarantee that at least 2 people in the group you met are miserable with their lives.

This advice really struck a cord with me and is so true.

I actually think you are doing really fantastically well OP, certainly compared to me. I'm impressed by the fact you are in a management role, earning well enough to buy your own home - I earn a pittance and wouldn't have my own home without my DH.

I was lucky enough to fall in love and get married - but he died of cancer. I'm a widow at 47. Things don't always work out the way you think or want no matter what you do, some things in life you can never have control over. I am now grieving the life I thought I was going to have with DH. I can also tell you that despite being the best possible wife/partner I could I have been, I have been cheated on by every single man I have ever been with - I am a genuinely nice person, alright to look at, always tried to be the best I could be, and it still happened. You cannot predict how life is going to go. You could have done all of things you mention - got a 'better' job, got married, had kids, but you might have ended up even unhappier than you are now, with a tonne of work stress, or a broken marriage, or difficult children that were challenging to parent. There is no way of knowing. And I think you have done really well already, I really do.

Mumsnet has been very harsh in the last few days….
I would suggest that if you want a chatty thread maybe start one that isn’t in AIBU.

It sounds to me that you’ve managed really well considering all the challenges you’ve had.

You may feel 40 is too old to change anything but it really isn't. You are not even half way through your working life. I do think though it is an age where we naturally stop and take stock of where we have come from and where we are going.
You have done well despite a less than ideal childhood but plenty of us come from similar or worse. Keep going and take any opportunity that comes along. Don't dwell on the past, it wont get you anywhere.

At the very least try to reframe it as 'one of the lives you might have had' because any number of other outcomes could equally have happened. You're focusing on one that leaves you in a better place than now. How many people have their best outcome? People die young, end up chronically ill or disabled and dirt poor as a result, stuck in dead end jobs being abused for their entire lives, caught in a crippling addiction etc. People are way more likely to fall into hard times than meet their potential. You've endured some properly hard stuff but pulled through and you're now living a decent life, just not the one you'd pick.

I would say focus on the things you can feel genuinely grateful for and give those more of your attention. Also look at what changes you could make to enrich your life now, but in a way that doesn't focus on what could have been. What would bring you meaning and enjoyment over the next few years and then begin to make that happen.

Be proud of what you have achieved in difficult circumstances. I know children of alcoholics who have turned out the same way, it’s an easy trap to fall into.

And it’s never too late to retrain for most careers. There are plenty of adult learners. I retrained at 30 and now have my dream job. Take control back of your life and change what you aren’t happy with.

I could have been someone...well, so could anyone...

OP, this is absolutely classic "gifted kid" regret- there are whole groups on the internet devoted to discussing the feeling of having been told you were exceptional at school and then going on to have a perfectly decent but not exceptional career (and a very large proportion of people who feel this are late diagnosed ND).

This isn't to belittle how you feel, but maybe to put it into some sort of context. Lots of people are exceptional within the context of their school but this doesn't really mean all that much- it certainly doesn't mean that you're going to be prime minister (I know you weren't being 100% serious with this)- I do think schools need to take care about how they talk to their gifted students, because it's so common for adults to end up feeling cheated because they somehow got the impression that being ahead in y3 meant they were heading for an amazing life, and actually they've only ended up with a very nice life.

I'm a lawyer. It's interesting and well paid but not in any sense an exceptional thing to be doing- it's very ordinary in terms of getting on the tube every morning, reviewing documents at my desk- not a glittering career in the way a child would think of one. And yet I was exceptional at school, the brightest kid in the year, as was every single one of my colleagues. Being bright is great- it can help you get a good job, as it has with you, but it really doesn't guarantee you an exceptional life. Once you get to a certain level of seniority, everyone you work with was the brightest kid in their school. It doesn't mean much.

Rather than grieving for a different life, I'd recommend you try to identify what it is about that other life that you think is missing from yours. If you wish you'd gone to Oxford- why? Was it just the name, or the chance to spend time in those surroundings, or the chance to have more individual tuition and think about your studies in greater depth? How could you fulfil that need in your life now? If you wish you lived in London, think about how you could make that move. If it's a relationship, what could you do about that? (And do bear in mind that Oxbridge degrees and city flats don't guarantee a happy relationship.)

It sounds as if you've done really well in life- good job, your own home, plenty of money for holidays etc. Rather than fixating on the past, think about the active steps you can take to make things even better.

YANBU There are some harsh unhelpful comments on here. I can relate to what you are saying and found counselling was the answer. It helped me to unpick my childhood and put an adult perspective on things eventually leading to peace and ability to change my outlook. It certainly can feel like going through a grieving process, especially if you miss having children. I would highly recommend seeking counciling to help guide and support you through it.