AIBU to grieve the life I feel I might have had?

[OnceMoreIntoTheBreachDearFriends]

Just looking for some advice on how to get over mourning the life I feel I should have had.

For context, I had an awful childhood, including an alcoholic abusive father who died when I was young, and an emotionally unavailable mother who liked to throw material things at me to make up for it. I was bullied all my life including in first jobs, I suspect due to being autistic which I didn’t know until I was 35. Despite all of this I was the classic overachiever, identified for a glittering career from when I was a small child (suggestions as far back as primary school included a brain surgeon or the prime minister 😂)

But sadly an abusive relationship in my 20s and significant mental health issues due to life events put paid to that. I’m 40 now, I have an NHS middle management role, my own home, nice holidays etc but I put in an incredible amount of hours over two jobs to be able to afford it. Single after a string of failed relationships, no kids. I just feel like I’ve missed the boat in terms of potential…

I’m on holiday at the moment in a fairly upmarket resort and spent the evening a few nights ago talking/drinking with a group in their late 20s who all worked in the city, flats in Chelsea, etc. Oxbridge educated (I have a degree and masters from an RG uni but I could have gotten into either of them). I just now look back and think - I could have done that - but my circumstances held me back, I wanted to do a grad scheme and move to London but my ex held me back and I got a mortgage instead.

I know it’s too late to change it all now - I don’t have the transferable skills and certainly couldn’t afford more than a house share in the south (and that’s impossible for me to do). I know comparison is the thief of joy but I could just do with some advice on how to get over it. I just feel like I’ve missed out so much
.

You asked for advice on how to change your mindset and that is what you are getting. Recognising that you have a lot to be grateful for is how you change your mindset, it removes that negative cycle, brings positivity and increases happiness. Recognising that many others have faced adversity and multiple traumas since birth can change your mindset, there can be a feeling of solidarity in knowing that you aren't the only person to experience it. Hearing and taking on board comments from others here who have also faced adversity and can tell you what has helped them improve their life and their wellbeing shows you that it can be done. Taking on board comments about how you are responsible for your self can improve your minset, it gives you a sense of control of your own life.
You can change your mindset, you can move past trauma and you can be happy. But, for that to happen, you do need to stop being so defensive, stop being so negative, recognise you do have a lot to be thankful for, that you are responsible for your own wellbeing as an adult and that your experience is not as unique as you think it is.

Thank you 😊 ❤️ I truly tried to get on the same wavelength as the OP with my story. And I would never be deliberately looking to minimise anyone's experience of trauma, especially something as devastating as having a traumatic childhood.

Thank you again for your kind words.

Thank you for engaging thoughtfully with me. I didn’t want to dismiss helpful posts, only perhaps some where I felt it was becoming unhelpful to the OP. There’s probably a fine distinction to be made between ACT and the general idea of present moment focus, but maybe this isn’t the place for that conversation. I just hope something here has been useful to her.

And I’m sure some people would be inspired by it to overcome their challenges. But for others it sounds a bit like ‘well I am being brave, so you should be too’. I know you don’t mean it that way though. I’m sure you haven’t upset her and she knows you mean well.

But I’ve been through the terrible childhood and it gets a bit wearing hearing all those ‘you should have got over it by now’ posts (not from you BTW) as if trauma is that easy for everyone to overcome and you just have to try harder.

For me it worked far better to grieve my loss and be validated. Once I’d finished grieving I could then move forward. I tried the suck it up approach and all it left me with was a feeling of not being good enough and a series of crap, abusive relationships.

Nobody is being a hater so enough of the hyperbole.

I appreciate how you feel and often compare myself also. However, there are so many things you have that others would love, like owning your own home, nice holidays and a management job. Try to focus on all you have rather than what you don't. I realise it's easier said than done, but there are people who would be very envious of the things you do have x

Robert frost
The path not taken

I like to recite that when I feel how you're feeling, paths not taken, door closed etc etc. If there's something you actually want from the list of things you feel you're missing work out how to get to with today as your starting point. That's all you can do.

Poetry magazine
June 2026Subscribe
Subscribe

Search
Search
The Road Not Taken
Play Audio
By Robert Frost
Share
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

That's ok, I know exactly what you mean by being validated and it actually highlights how i felt when I diagnosed my movement disorder myself, yet only got validation from the fifth neurologist I saw.😕

My family tend to do the same things, saying how much others have been through etc and how they think this will help, which conversely, doesnt, and make me feel very much like my feelings didn't matter (Ha, the irony 🤣)

So, I know it's not the same really as the OP, but I do get the grief and validation process, and can relate, and understand what you meant when you pointed out why my post wasn't quite some people's cup of tea.

Your post was perfectly lovely. Ignore them.

You've had quite a few posts giving kindly worded, clear advice on how to change your mindset. What's interesting is that you have barely acknowledged them, let alone thanked people for their time and care. Instead, you've jumped on the harsher/less helpful posts, and MN will always include those I'm afraid.

This tendency to focus on the negative does not serve you well, OP.

It's hard to unplug that automatic "scan for danger" mode, but you really must if you want to be happier.

I know how hard it is to change your default outlook on life, but everyone has to find their own way of achieving this. (For me, it involved lots of exercise and a couple of years exposed to heroic doses of psilocybin!)

I know how you feel OP. I experienced serious childhood abuse followed by a long abusive relationship in my 20s. People who have not experienced those things minimise and don’t understand. It’s hard accepting no one other than you will ever truly care. That said I’m now emerging from that and it sounds like you are too. Reframe your thinking. You have achieved an enormous amount given your start. It’s not your fault you have been in failed relationships. It was pretty inevitable you would fall for the wrong people given what you learnt about relationships growing up. See yourself as successful despite the problems - and go from there.

OP, perhaps you should mute this thread and step away from it as it’s clearly not helpful for you at the moment. Especially as you’re ND - it’s easy to fixate and obsess on aspects of what people have written to the detriment of seeing the bigger picture (I can relate, I do it myself!). You can always come back and read it at a later date.

FWIW, I also think you should explore ACT. Don’t worry that you’ve had various therapies previously - they may not have been the right ones for you, or delivered at the right time for you to make use of them. A friend of mine likes to say ‘you can’t back-trade’, which is true. You can absolutely change your future though, with therapy input and hard work. I can see from your posts that you have strength of character so use this to propel you forwards to the life you want. Good luck 💐.

Perhaps also OP, it sounds as though you’ve been in survival mode for many years and now you’ve finally got a chance to start processing what you went through.

Finding the right therapist is so important. It sounds like you are grieving and maybe getting help with that and hearing someone validate your pain might help?

You are not alone being ND and feeling like there was a promised life for you based on your academic ability.

This also sounds as much about your frustration on your current career as to how you can earn more and not feel trapped anymore.

it might sound silly but have you asked ChatGPT or Claude what to do regarding your career?

I’ve also found them both helpful to ask more therapy based questions.

Im also in therapy myself and I’ve found the two togetherso helpful. Be careful with using them without having some sort of human regulation though. They aren’t licenced therapists, they’re LLMs. But for me they’ve both been immensely helpful. WITH human therapy alongside.,

Check out Katie Byron and her process for dealing with big issues. It might help.

Everyone is different. But for me, ruminating and what-ifs don’t make me happy. Action does.

So, like many others have said, what do you want? To go to Cambridge now? To live in London? To learn to horse ride?

Do it. Action and not hiding will help you not feel the way you have been feeling.

Hate something, change something, as they say.

You said you don’t want therapy as it doesn’t work for you. Instead make lists of everything you’ve ever wanted and go and get those things now.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an artist. I’m not ever going to be a famous artist, but i’m doing an illustration course. It’s great. I enjoy it as much as I did when I was young. Even better now as I can afford to buy fancy equipment my parents couldn’t afford then.

I also always wanted to travel. I prioritise travel.

What do you want with your life? Not what could you have had if everything had been easy, what do you want? What does your ideal life look like? Go and get it.

Re therapy, create a profile on Copilot and talk things through there. Now and then, ask it to challenge you. You'd be amazed how insightful it is. And it's free! and you don't have to blub in front of a stranger.