BF messed up meeting parents, gave excuse about it being intense

[Jasjasdance]

Things have been getting more serious between my BF and I so we have started to meet each others family. I met his mum last weekend which went really well, and he met my parents this weekend. We went for a drink and then a meal after.

He had a couple of drinks before meeting them (he said to help his nerves) and then two more at the pub. He was then drinking wine at the restaurant and was really tipsy. He then started acting up a bit towards the end. Just a few comments you shouldn’t really make when meeting someone’s parents for the first time.

We were discussing the city break we went on last month, and I said I wouldn’t return to that particular AirBnB. He said they wouldn’t let me back after the way I ruined the toilet on the last day (I was really ill, assumed food poisoning).

He made a comment about an ex, said they barely went out for meals because she preferred ‘scoffing’ takeaways so she didn’t have to leave the sofa.

My Dad is a big football fan so they were talking about the World Cup, and moaning a bit about the really late kick off times. My BF said the real winners of that are the local dealers.

My parents were polite in response but I could tell they were unimpressed. My BF says it was a really ‘intense’ first meeting going for a meal which is why he had more to drink than he should have done.

I suppose I have two questions…do you think there’s any coming back from this (was what he said that bad or not) and was this too an intense first meeting?

It is perfectly normal to introduce a new partner to parents/other family/friends by going out for a meal, it is not a massive deal. How is a meal intense? Why does it feel 1950s?

Honestly, I have not been on here for long but have quickly noticed that so many posters appear to have zero skills socially. At 31 years old he should be capable of going for a bloody meal with his girlfriend and her Mum and Dad without getting pissed.
Just tell him the next time he meets them to have a little joke about his nerves and wave a soft drink at them @Jasjasdance

He needs to cut down the drinks next time he meets them

It wouldn't be an issue if you really liked/loved him. You would know it was out of character and be telling your parents so and looking for him to put it right.

This. I imagined he was about 22. But 31? Getting drunk and saying so many crass things. I was cringing as I read each line of your post. Can’t imagine anything breaking through the ick after that.

I think it's not just the crassness but the fact two of the comments were designed to embarrass/humiliate you. (You ruining the toilet and wanting to always scoff on the sofa). It's a no from me.

He's 31, 7 months into a relationship, and required enough alcohol to make himself tipsy (borderline drunk by the end of the evening by the sound of it) to meet your parents. And proceeded to make comments that were in poor taste about you to your own parents (toilet/illness) and suggested too much knowledge about dealers.

Major, major ick.

I'd have been mortified and done.

It sounds to me like maybe he’s working class and the parents are middle class and he’s felt very intimidated and had a couple too many. He hasn’t been watching his Ps and Qs but the parents sound a little po-faced if a couple of cringy misfired ‘jokes’ means that he’s “blown his chances” with them.

Playing devil’s advocate but I was always TERRIFIED of meeting the parents. The anxiety was worse than any job interview I’ve ever had.

It was only an intense first meeting because he made it intense by drinking too much. Yes he could come back from it, in time, but would you want him to?- going straight to an anecdote of you having such severe S&D that you would be banned is not promising in terms of his regard for you.Talking about his ex is also a huge red flag. I think you need to think long and hard about the future of this relationship.

Iam working class but ive never behaved like that! Nothing wrong with been working class

Did I say there was anything wrong with it? I’m working class too! But I know I always felt like a fish out of water around “posh” parents.

Sorry OP, but he’s a problem drinker. You’ve seen it firsthand and now you will never be able to fully trust him to not embarrass you in the future. You’ll feel little knots of worry in your stomach next time there’s an occasion in which he needs to behave himself. I went out with someone like this and it was a nightmare. At first it was very similar to what you’re describing, but in time it became apparent that drink was an issue and I got stressed before going out certain places because I was just waiting for him to embarrass me. I regretted not ending it the first time it happened.

First time meeting your parents, he should be on best behaviour, right? This is the blueprint for how he will behave whenever its something that’s “your” thing. I would ditch him now and find someone who can act his age.

You know what it’s really easy to be polite and not messy when meeting people. You just don’t overdrink. If he’s saying he couldn’t do something nerve wracking without getting drunk then I’d worry he would develop an alcohol use disorder in future. Its not a good sign at all.

It doesn’t matter what other people think - it’s what you think.

An inability to hold a proper appropriate conversation in a normal setting would put me off him. I just don’t find that sort of immaturity attractive. If he was 19 I could forgive him but he is a man in his thirties.

I agree with this

Do not understand why he needed ‘courage’ to meet your parents at 31 and drank beforehand. He just fancied a drink and he’s making an excuse. Or he is a drip who can’t handle grown up things that are relatively important not to mess up.
It’s also a red flag he mentioned his ex in any way and was critical while doing so. How he talks about her is how he will talk about you.

This. I thought from the first half of your OP you meant he had made inappropriate personal or sexual comments. This is tame, ok maybe not great conversation but we’ve all said a few things we mildly cringe about in high stakes situations.

We’ve all done it.

I sometimes feel the threshold of behaviour is so high now that unless everything you say is spot on and very ‘textbook’, somebody will think badly of you. Acceptable conversation seems to be so narrow that nobody’s really allowed a personality or joke any more.

Probably why everyone feels tense and depressed and anxiety is through the roof.

I’m not a drinker, but does alcohol turn nice men into acting like dickheads? This would give me the ick that he can’t understand what normal conversation is when meeting your GFs parents for the first time.

He should at this age be able to cope with meeting your parents without needing to drink a lot to ' steady his nerves' . I would have been mortified

We haven't all done it. And it is a pretty low bar to expect someone to not get pissed, make humiliating comments about his gf to her parents on their first meeting of him.

That is absolutely not a high bar for behaviour at all.

I'm sorry, is that a typo? Did you mean to say 13?

If by 31 he hasn't learned how to behave in company then he's not going to is he? If that bothers you (and from your posts I think it does) then ditch him and move on.

He said she liked scoffing takeaways. He didn’t talk about their mutual love of anal.

At 31 you should be able to meet people for dinner without needing to have drinks first and getting smashed, even if they are your girlfriend’s parents. I’m sorry but its about being an adult and i would find this very off putting

Is anyone else not getting what the fuss is about at all and wondering how straight laced the parents are that those comments shocked them?! My parents would’ve been drunk too and they all would’ve been laughing together