BF messed up meeting parents, gave excuse about it being intense

[Jasjasdance]

Things have been getting more serious between my BF and I so we have started to meet each others family. I met his mum last weekend which went really well, and he met my parents this weekend. We went for a drink and then a meal after.

He had a couple of drinks before meeting them (he said to help his nerves) and then two more at the pub. He was then drinking wine at the restaurant and was really tipsy. He then started acting up a bit towards the end. Just a few comments you shouldn’t really make when meeting someone’s parents for the first time.

We were discussing the city break we went on last month, and I said I wouldn’t return to that particular AirBnB. He said they wouldn’t let me back after the way I ruined the toilet on the last day (I was really ill, assumed food poisoning).

He made a comment about an ex, said they barely went out for meals because she preferred ‘scoffing’ takeaways so she didn’t have to leave the sofa.

My Dad is a big football fan so they were talking about the World Cup, and moaning a bit about the really late kick off times. My BF said the real winners of that are the local dealers.

My parents were polite in response but I could tell they were unimpressed. My BF says it was a really ‘intense’ first meeting going for a meal which is why he had more to drink than he should have done.

I suppose I have two questions…do you think there’s any coming back from this (was what he said that bad or not) and was this too an intense first meeting?

I would worry that he can't control his drinking to be honest. I don't think being drunk is ever an excuse for poor behaviour. If that's how he deals with a relatively minor anxiety-inducing situation, how is he going to cope with more major stresses in life?

So he got a bit pissed and then mentioned you pooping on the toilet, that his ex was a fat slob and that he is familiar with drug dealers operating habits.

Could have gone worse I suppose.

He's dreadful, socially inept, reliant on alcohol when under pressure and embarrassing. You're seeing him clearly now out in the wild. I thought you were going to say he's 19/20 yo.

I'm incredulous at how low standards are on here today, with many finding this acceptable, or even funny! Takes all sorts I guess.

Have you spoken to your parents since and invited honest opinion? Has he met anyone else close to you?

One faux pas can be down to nerves, he did too many and he sounds like a bit of an idiot. However, neither I or your parents are dating him so views don't count much.
My mum always called booze 'truth juice' when the real person comes out.

I don't think it's 1950s at all. I think it's perfectly normal and reasonable, when in a relationship that is starting to get serious, to expect to introduce your new BF/GF to friends, family and other people in your life and for that person to m ake an effort to be personable, friendly and polite.

It's not a job interview. It absolutely IS an important step in working out if this is someone you can be with long term.

Yeah it would bother me too. Tbh he sounds dreadful, definitely ick territory. I'd move on ..

Eta - the parent thing is by the by. He was derogatory towards his ex gf and towards you. He's grim.

😂

I wonder how many people saying YABU read the comment below about him being 31. This makes a big difference imo. He should definitely be grown up enough to have a meal without acting up. He should be embarrassed if his behaviour.

It seems minor - a one off - but it's at the stress points, when you really need someone to be able to step up, that he gives in to booze instead.

Someone who turns to alcohol to calm his nerves before something he needs to do (rather than after at the point when he can relax without letting anyone down) has a problematic relationship with it.

I would, at the least, be slowing things down and seeing how he deals with other big things before getting much deeper involved.

From the thread title I thought it would be worse. The big question is how do you feel about it? I would be a bit irritated about the toilet comment, not so much the ex. Were the sex comments made to your parents or on another occasion? Because that would annoy me.
You know him, so only you know whether this is out of character or a red flag situation. The drinking too much, I hardly drink myself but I still wouldn't judge someone too harshly for the odd occasion of overdoing it. If it's a repeated thing with any excuse then that's different.

An unimpressive start but I think I'd give him another chance...advise him not to drink as much next time, see how it goes and take a view.....

He just sounds brash and common,you can do better,I bet your parents were horrified. Sounds cringeworthy

This. Plus there are lots of other behaviours that nervousness can produce and I think crass references to their daughter’s upset stomach and being rude about an ex are disrespectful, the absolutely last thing you’d want your partners parents to think about you.
Trust your own moral compass here, he sounds an idiot.

Being rude about his ex, talking casually about drug dealers and needing to drink that much all give me the ick

Jesus
I'm amazed at the voting.
I'd throw this one back....

I think the thing is, people have different relationships with parents so expectations about behaviour can be different. So some of it he might have thought was fine sober, but you need to talk about expectations.

I think if he's sober next time you meet, polite etc it'll be fine, unless your parents are really judgemental and closed minded

He’s an idiot and if that’s the way he behaves when meeting new people it’d be a no for me . When I was working part of the job involved socialising with colleagues / clients and I wouldn’t be with someone who was a social embarrassment.

Grim behaviour! Can’t believe all those here excusing this.

There was a thread on here a while ago about a similar situation of a boyfriend meeting parents for the first time. That guy had commented that his friends enjoy getting drunk and hiring prostitutes (something about ‘brass’). So this is very tame in comparison! BUT it’s how you feel that matters, OP. If you found him inappropriate and crass and embarrassing then you need to reconsider the relationship. We can comment on what we said but we don’t know how the comments landed at the time.

Oh phew, I thought you were going to say that he said something about your sex life. That would have been really embarrassing and not sure he'd come back from that. . . A scatological reference and a joke about drug dealers shouldn't be a game changer. Do you like him or do you now have the ick?

He sounds immature and maybe a bit thick. I don't think it's a great start to the relationship, but at least you know now.

This would put me off.
It would make him seem boorish and also I find it very unattractive when people need alcohol to manage basic social interactions.

It would not be a red flag per se but it would certainly be amber as I expected a future partner to go overboard trying to impress my family. Not to be a crass idiot.

He sounds a bit of a dick. Needing to get pissed to meet in-laws is a red flag I’d say

How is meeting family “1950s”?

Hmm, so this is who he is. How would he far at a big work event? Not my cup of tea but perhaps he can learn not to be quite so vulgar