BF messed up meeting parents, gave excuse about it being intense

[Jasjasdance]

Things have been getting more serious between my BF and I so we have started to meet each others family. I met his mum last weekend which went really well, and he met my parents this weekend. We went for a drink and then a meal after.

He had a couple of drinks before meeting them (he said to help his nerves) and then two more at the pub. He was then drinking wine at the restaurant and was really tipsy. He then started acting up a bit towards the end. Just a few comments you shouldn’t really make when meeting someone’s parents for the first time.

We were discussing the city break we went on last month, and I said I wouldn’t return to that particular AirBnB. He said they wouldn’t let me back after the way I ruined the toilet on the last day (I was really ill, assumed food poisoning).

He made a comment about an ex, said they barely went out for meals because she preferred ‘scoffing’ takeaways so she didn’t have to leave the sofa.

My Dad is a big football fan so they were talking about the World Cup, and moaning a bit about the really late kick off times. My BF said the real winners of that are the local dealers.

My parents were polite in response but I could tell they were unimpressed. My BF says it was a really ‘intense’ first meeting going for a meal which is why he had more to drink than he should have done.

I suppose I have two questions…do you think there’s any coming back from this (was what he said that bad or not) and was this too an intense first meeting?

It would put me off not so much the comments that he made although not brilliant . But the drinking so heavily that he said things that have made you cringe. I've been in relationships with people where the person drinks too much for whatever reason and it honestly becomes so stressful when you go anywhere wondering if they're going to do something or say something. if you otherwise really like him I'd may be giving one more opportunity But if he did it again with drinking you know it's going to be a pattern throughout the relationship and I'd get out now.

This would’ve given me the absolute ick. He’s embarrassing. Throw this one back.

I would be absolutely mortified if a boyfriend of mine did that upon meeting the parents. I remember being worried about my boyfriend at 21 meeting them (at my nan's funeral of all things!) and I needn't have worried about him.

Even as a 50 something now I have declined to proceed with relationships if I didn't think they'd be able to behave nicely at a meet the parents. It's a mental exercise I do, because I think how they would act in that scenario would be very telling.

I'd be considering ending this relationship if I were you. A man who can't handle a slightly intimidating situation without a drink (or two many) is a poor prospect for a partner IMO. And the thing you said about innapropriate behaviour or language around sex while he had had a drink would also be a red flag to me - drink lowers inhibitions, but it doesn't change who somebody is. When the mask slips, that's the real him saying what he really thinks.

Yes, because he implied he uses drugs, maybe, and made a joke at the expense of an ex (which is actually mildly amusing) and another almost joke at your expense which is annoying for you, what you should ask yourself is - Are you really into this person, or do you just want them to tick some social boxes so you can present a "partner" to your family?

The comments about you & his ex were at your & her expense - ick.

Imagine his past sex comments could have been sexist?

It’d have been oafish but less bad had he talked about being ill / liking a takeaway himself.

It’d be the ick from me.

You're best-placed to know if this is completely out of character, @Jasjasdance, or if there's a link to other behaviour that might suggest a worrying pattern.

The comment about the toilet would bother me, as he should be trying to show your parents he thinks you're so great you never poo (!), not trying to put you down. That's just really juvenile and the sort of thing immature men do to each other. The rest is less offensive in my opinion, but that's viewing each instance in isolation.

I had a boyfriend who reacted very badly to meeting my mum. I can't remember what she said to offend him (he was very prone to insecurity and taking offence), but his response was to keep touching me inappropriately for the rest of the night- and when I challenged him afterwards he admitted he'd done it on purpose to make her feel uncomfortable.

To my astonishment now (I'm ten years on), I didn't break it off until later, when he yelled something unforgivable at me in an argument one too many times. But that's the incident I now look back on and think was the clearest red flag- the use of me to prop up his bruised ego.

So, does this ring any bells, or do you think based on what you know of him that he was just nervous and regressing to teenagerhood? Only you can really decide.

To sum up:

He made a joke at your expense.
He brought toilet humour to a fairly formal situation
When football was the topic of conversation he was thinking about drugs!
He's happy to slag off his ex (which is always a red flag)
The inappropriate comments about sex which you've glossed over a bit in your subsequent comment.

When somebody shows you who they are, believe them!!

What he said wasn't allll that bad, though it wasn't great.

The big issue is getting that drunk and not stopping drinking...

And whats his response after, is it a brush off 'not my fault, oh well, the booze' etc or is he all 'omg I am so sorry, mortified, please let me call your parents and apologise'.

If the latter I'd let it go, if its the former I'd be having second thoughts about this one.

Depends, those comments would have been a fine reading of the room in my family, not so much in DH’s.

It’s not an intense meeting though - I’d care more about his actions now. Is he mortified? Is he wanting to apologise to your parents (if necessary)? Has he reflected that the very thing he did to deal with his nerves and the intensity of the situation are what caused the situation to go badly and that he’d have been better just being quiet and nervous and himself instead of filled with Dutch courage. Those answers would frame how I dealt with it.

yeah, that is really disappointing and would be a deal-breaker for me (though maybe it wouldn't have been for younger me). It's the putting you down etc but also the fact that he commented on it being too intense implies to me that he isn't ready to commit. I'm assuming you are both in your 30s, and you say that you've been dating for 7 months - totally normal if you are serious about each other to have dinner with your parents. Him not trying harder to make it go well suggests to me that he doesn't think enough of you / care enough about your relationship to make an effort with your parents.

No, I"m sure there are randoms all over the place just dying to jump into a relationship and meet people"s parents and able to do it without drinking, the question really should be though - Is the OP into this person? What the parents think is secondary, and if all the Dad can talk about is football do you blame someone for needing a few wines?

I agree with PP who say he sounds immature. I'd expect a teenager meeting his girlfriend's parents to know better than to say some of that, honestly. I'd also be questioning compatibility if that comment about drug dealers is his sense of humour. Weird thing to say and not particularly amusing. Makes it sound like he uses drugs, which isn't the impression you want to give your girlfriend's family.

Big ick I’m afraid!!

Another vote for get rid! If he can’t behave now what is he going to be like later down the line. First impressions and all that.

Well, for me, this would be absolutely unacceptable. I'd expect a new man, meeting my parents for the first time, to behave much better. As I would in any situation where he needs to impress and is meeting for the first time - meeting my work colleagues, meeting his boss's boss etc etc.

I'm also a bit concerned about how he's acting after. I mean, I can imagine being nervous and being a bit of a dick and then afterwards being mortified. he sounds quite blase.

Also, frankly, in vino veritas and all that....

Yes, but from the sounds of things the OP is more invested in the whole "meet the parents" thing (which feels really 1950"s TBH) and the presenting a "partner" thing which he might not be really invested in to the same extent? So if the OP is genuinely into him maybe they need to talk about what he finds "intense" or not comfortable instead of expecting him to turn up to a dinner with parents and treat it as a formal interview?

I have a large family which can be quite intense. My DP struggles with the chaos when we’re altogether, it’s completely outside his comfort zone so he does exactly what your BF does and has a drink. No one else has any alcohol and at first it was awkward. My family thought I’d hooked up with an alcoholic and tbh he does talk a load of rubbish when he has a few so I was embarrassed.

We got through it and have now been together several years. DP has got better and family have seen him sober on a few occasions but the main reason it works is because I’m happy go on my own. I’ve stopped making him participate in something he doesn’t enjoy.

It might be a one off with your BF, it might not. I’d judge the time you spend with no one else around and decide whether that’s worth putting up with him occasionally being an idiot

I don't think it sounds dreadful, but you're the one that has to live with him so if you're not happy then bin him.

If it helps, DH met my parents for the 1st time (they live in another country, where it's hot) and we arrived when my mother was at work. We arrived around lunchtime, so my father (who was an alcoholic) started supplying him with beer, which DH drank as he didn't want to look rude. Drinking in the hot sun is not something he was used to, so by the time my mother got home he was comatose on the bed, and I was pretending he was really tired after the long flight... (Long time ago, we're still together).

He's 31 not 18, I wouldn't be impressed if one of my kids arranged a visit and their partner behaved like that. Having a small drink to calm nerves I get, I'm the same, but getting tipsy and saying stupid stuff? Total knob behaviour.
It would be a case of [in my thoughts] You are a great d /s and we raised you to be a decent respectful person and yet you bring this person home is that the best you can do love?

A casual coffee would have been a better idea. There's no need for a formal dinner. It sounds like he felt it was an interview. Having said that, however, at 31 he should have been able to handle himself better and he should know not to talk to your parents like that.

You haven't been together that long. While this might be a one off, prepare yourself for the possibility that this might be how he handles feeling uncomfortable. As a coping mechanism, it won't serve him well.

Yes, I can see that it wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea but it's hardly a formal interview, it's just sitting down for a bit of food with the parents of someone he presumably cares about. And if he knows that that is important to his GF, regardless of whether it's ideal or totally comfortable for him, why wouldn't he just make a bit of an effort, or at least not get drunk and embarrass her by talking about her food poisoning, slagging off his ex etc. If he's not willing to be even slightly uncomfortable at this stage in the relationship, it doesn't bode well for the long term.

He sounds very immature, Dutch courage and toilet jokes. Was this very out of character? Or can you see a pattern?

FGS don't have a kid with this loser, you'll be a single mum before the 20th week of pregnancy if he lasted that long.

There wouldn't be any coming back from it for me because I believe that who you are when drunk is the truest version of yourself.

Not everyone believes that of course, but I do. 100% drunk you reveals you, it doesnt change you.

If, at 31, he cant control his alcohol intake or manage to meet your parents without acting like an utter cock then sorry @Jasjasdance but it's tine for a trade in.

I wouldn't be forgiving his behaviour frankly.