BF messed up meeting parents, gave excuse about it being intense

[Jasjasdance]

Things have been getting more serious between my BF and I so we have started to meet each others family. I met his mum last weekend which went really well, and he met my parents this weekend. We went for a drink and then a meal after.

He had a couple of drinks before meeting them (he said to help his nerves) and then two more at the pub. He was then drinking wine at the restaurant and was really tipsy. He then started acting up a bit towards the end. Just a few comments you shouldn’t really make when meeting someone’s parents for the first time.

We were discussing the city break we went on last month, and I said I wouldn’t return to that particular AirBnB. He said they wouldn’t let me back after the way I ruined the toilet on the last day (I was really ill, assumed food poisoning).

He made a comment about an ex, said they barely went out for meals because she preferred ‘scoffing’ takeaways so she didn’t have to leave the sofa.

My Dad is a big football fan so they were talking about the World Cup, and moaning a bit about the really late kick off times. My BF said the real winners of that are the local dealers.

My parents were polite in response but I could tell they were unimpressed. My BF says it was a really ‘intense’ first meeting going for a meal which is why he had more to drink than he should have done.

I suppose I have two questions…do you think there’s any coming back from this (was what he said that bad or not) and was this too an intense first meeting?

How old is he @Jasjasdance

Personally, I don't think what he said was that bad. He was clearly nervous and the drink didn't help.
If you are considering that there's no coming back from it though, it doesn't seem like you're right for each other in my opinion.

31

Maybe I am over-reacting. I just found it a bit embarrassing.

It doesn’t sound overly intense to me but perhaps he was just really nervous. If he’s an otherwise good guy, I wouldn’t split up over it. It could easily be something that you all look back on and laugh about in years to come. However I wouldn’t want a repeat performance and it would be nice if he could apologise to your parents and make a better impression next time.

It’s a pretty standard way to meet the parents

what did your parents say when you spoke to them next?

If you’re already thinking you have the start of an ick then it’s not a great sign is it.

He sounds like a hoot! Genuinely. He’d fit right in in my family. Maybe not right for yours though.

So every time he has a few nerves he drinks too much and makes inappropriate comments. That would seriously turn me right off him.

He is 31 so he must have some life experience, it doesn’t sound intense, it’s just called “being sociable”. I would honestly reconsider the relationship because I reckon he’d be an embarrassment in future social situations and he’ll just say “yeah sorry I was nervous”.

It’s not a first with your parents. I think you are overthinking things and need to lighten up.

I think if he’s 31 he should be more than capable of meeting other adults and having a meal without embarrassing himself. He sounds like a bit of a tool. Yes a few nerves is understandable when meeting the parents but getting half-cut and talking to them like he’s with ‘the lads’ would be a major turn-off for me. He sounds really immature and I would’ve been squirming if I were you 😩

I would be worried that he uses alcohol to deal with anything he regards as "intense". If he finds the standard meet the parents intense how will he cope with your wedding, having children and all that comes with that or so many other things.

Against the run of other responses here, but it all sounds like pretty crass conversation and not what you'd say to people you wanted to be impressed by you. And why does he need to drink to help his nerves? Didn't seem like it helped.

He sounds like someone to divorce, not to marry.

The red flag for me is his leaning on alcohol to help his 'nerves'. Not just a couple of drinks beforehand but carrying on with the wine during the meeting. Just makes me worry that he might need a drink to cope with perfectly normal life circumstances.

I don’t think what he did was that bad, but not great if you feel embarrassed.
As PP have said, it’s maybe more of a concern if he feels he needs to drink to cope with situations, but if he doesn’t usually, then that wouldn’t worry me.
How did your parents view the meeting? What was his response when you told him you felt embarrassed?

He’s 31 and cannot be trusted to behave like an adult, I would find that very unimpressive.

How old? Sounds like he was bricking it, the thought of meeting the parents, and got smashed to get though it. If he feels guilty, he may agree to apologise to parents and jokingly ask for a rematch where he promises to drink water and not mention toilets

How embarrassing, he sounds a bit base tbh.

It's hard to tell from what you say whether he is a bit of a dick generally and this is par for the course with him. In which case I would be thinking about whether I wanted this in my life.

It's possible that this was because he was nervous and really keen to make a good impression. But I am far from convinced as telling toilet stories about their gf is not really polite in any gathering let alone your parents. So, unless your family has a particular thing for Ricky Tomlinson in Royale Family mode I am afraid I am wondering if he is really not very nice.

At the least he'd be on probation for me pending a far more mature meeting in the future. How is he with your friends?

Hmm at 31 I would expect him to be able to handle a social situation without needing to have a few drinks to settle his nerves. His comments would have irritated me too! Not necessarily enough to dump him but certainly would let him know that you weren't impressed and expect him to moderate his drinking in future! Have you seen this side of him before? How long have you been seeing each other?

A 31-year-old should really be able to handle a meal out with your DPs on first meeting them unless he suffers from social anxiety - so does he? Some people do drink too much when they're nervous to give them a bit of Dutch courage - and that can backfire - as you saw. If this is his first transgression I don't think I'd end it, but it would definitely put me on my guard. Does he often drink too much? I guess that's the main worry - that he's a problem drinker and that you're only just starting to see that side of him.

A good friend of mine married a bloke who was the life and soul of every party in his 20s - great fun he was - until he became a full-blown alcoholic who also liked to smoke weed in the garden, got fired from his job and cheated ... twice.

Needing alcohol as a crutch is the real red flag, the rest (inappropriate conversation etc) is par for course.

I’d be really put off by all of it, especially the toilet comment.

Your boyfriend is a dickhead. You're in denial. I'm not sure how that fits with your voting.