BF messed up meeting parents, gave excuse about it being intense

[Jasjasdance]

Things have been getting more serious between my BF and I so we have started to meet each others family. I met his mum last weekend which went really well, and he met my parents this weekend. We went for a drink and then a meal after.

He had a couple of drinks before meeting them (he said to help his nerves) and then two more at the pub. He was then drinking wine at the restaurant and was really tipsy. He then started acting up a bit towards the end. Just a few comments you shouldn’t really make when meeting someone’s parents for the first time.

We were discussing the city break we went on last month, and I said I wouldn’t return to that particular AirBnB. He said they wouldn’t let me back after the way I ruined the toilet on the last day (I was really ill, assumed food poisoning).

He made a comment about an ex, said they barely went out for meals because she preferred ‘scoffing’ takeaways so she didn’t have to leave the sofa.

My Dad is a big football fan so they were talking about the World Cup, and moaning a bit about the really late kick off times. My BF said the real winners of that are the local dealers.

My parents were polite in response but I could tell they were unimpressed. My BF says it was a really ‘intense’ first meeting going for a meal which is why he had more to drink than he should have done.

I suppose I have two questions…do you think there’s any coming back from this (was what he said that bad or not) and was this too an intense first meeting?

I haven’t really seen this side, no. Quite early on he was a bit drunk and I didn’t like some of his language around sex, but upon me telling him that he did apologise and hasn’t repeated it since. We’ve been together about 7 months.

I would have stuck to just drinks for the first meeting but that ship has sailed. Can you arrange another meet up where he can redeem himself?

He sounds immature, lots of men are at 31 and he’s not good at adulting. It would give me the ick. But I’d have to really question if this is the first time he’s been like this or you jist excuse it as your parents can’t see it.

At 31 I'd have expected him to be able to cope with meeting your parents without being so nervous he needed to drink so much. And to avoid toilet and drug humour.
How does he act when he's not around parents? Does he rely on alcohol and make inappropriate comments then?
If I was sure it was a one-off then I'd cut him some slack. If I had concerns about his ability to interact like an adult with my parents or his alcohol consumption then I'd see it as a wake up call.

Honestly, 7 months is not that long at all. If I were you, I would be very open to the possibility of letting this relationship run its course. Not that hard to find someone who doesn't get tanked up to meet the girlfriend's parents.

It wouldn’t bother me and I’m of an age where I’m the parent meeting the children’s partners. My DS has a GF who he has been dating a year she was obviously very stressed the first day she met us. She was very polite and very formal, poor lass was scared obviously of speaking out turn.

The needing alcohol enough to get tipsy is the only issue here.

Hé sounds like an îmmature nob. I’d massively be rethinking the relationship in your shoes.

My parents would probably find this stuff he said quite funny. But I don't think I'd be very impressed with him drinking before meeting up, I think that's quite off putting and could signal bigger issues.

His behaviour was out of order for a 31 year old and I would let him know you are far from impressed but wouldn't split over this one incident.

Bit poor really for his age. Does he not socialise and meet people?

Is his humour normally like this OP? If so I'd find that a bit grating, but if it's not and it was just because he was feeling nervous then I'd let it go.

I think it is ok and entirely redeemable if generally he is a reasonable/ normal person and this was unusual.
My brother in law was awful the first time I met him - got utterly wasted, kept trying to engage in conversation with our older waitress who reminded him of his aunt, then tried to dance with her. She was embarrassed, my husband and I were cringing.
Ten years later and I have never seen him in a similar state. I think he is one of the most amazing, genuine characters I know.
If this is the only problem, then try to push on through.
If this is a symptom of a bigger problem, then maybe have a re think.

He sounds extremely immature for 31.

I’m in the cut him some slack camp. V sweet he was nervous and I’d take it as a sign he cared and wanted to impress. I’d definitely organise something shorter next time. A meal can be hard work

Likewise wouldn’t shoot him at dawn for getting a bit tipsy. We’ve all been there or at least I have. And someone 21 might not be nervous and someone 41 might be. People are individuals not representatives of their age group.

I’m also of an age where I am the parent meeting the new BF/GF and I usually pour the wine/Diet Coke/whatever their tipple because for us, a drink is sociable.

Not for me. Does he have a good job? If so, does he react like this at work? Or is he just a knob with parents?

The thing about dealers😬You know what your parents will think...!

I don't think it's the fact that it was a meal that made it intense.I think it was the fact that your parents are the kind of people who would find those comments offensive.

I don't think many adults would so much as bat an eyelid at the things you've quoted here. I thought you were going to say he'd made a comment about your sex life, or started using the C-word or something.

I guess it depends on whether this is really out of character for him or whether it's pretty normal for him but you typically don't give it much headspace when it's in front of mutual friends rather than parents. They have effectively made you aware that you do find his behaviour embarrassing and would be equally likely to be embarrassed by him in front of colleagues or your boss.

Worth observing for a bit, he might grow out of it or he might just be an obnoxious boor by the time he is 40.

I don't think it was too bad. It's not in line with my sense of humour but I wouldn't think worse of someone saying the things he did.

Agreed.
Adults should be able to manage nerves without drinking enough to negatively impact their behaviour.

@Jasjasdance He is old enough to know the impact alcohol has on him, yet he continued drinking during the meal (beyond a glass of wine with the food).

That would put me off someone in itself.

Your parents might be ok with him anyway, but he needs to apologise to them and keep himself together if there's a "next time".

Bit strange how dealers flew to mind....

If he turns into someone you are embarassed by and don’t really like when he’s drunk then how will you navigate the future? Will you expect him to not drink and would he agree to that? It would raise a flag for me in the relationship that he has already said things you didn’t like before when he was drunk. You said it was about sex, how “bad” were the things he said?

I think people can become annoying or childish when drunk, but most people don’t turn into a completely different person, it’s just that their filter/inhibitions turn off and they might say what they really think. I’m not good at meeting parents but I think a meal is pretty standard, it’s not an interrogation

I don’t think what he said was all that bad but yes, I’d be unimpressed. As for the drinking because it was tense excuse, I never really get that. If I was meeting someone I wanted to impress I would let go near an alcoholic drink.

I don't think he was that bad. Drinks and a restaurant does sound a bit much though, drinks and pub grub would've been enough.

How are your parents usually, are they uptight?

Listen to your instincts. He’s not the man you hoped he was. He should have been able to meet new people without being drunk. Sorry op I think you can do better.