BF messed up meeting parents, gave excuse about it being intense

[Jasjasdance]

Things have been getting more serious between my BF and I so we have started to meet each others family. I met his mum last weekend which went really well, and he met my parents this weekend. We went for a drink and then a meal after.

He had a couple of drinks before meeting them (he said to help his nerves) and then two more at the pub. He was then drinking wine at the restaurant and was really tipsy. He then started acting up a bit towards the end. Just a few comments you shouldn’t really make when meeting someone’s parents for the first time.

We were discussing the city break we went on last month, and I said I wouldn’t return to that particular AirBnB. He said they wouldn’t let me back after the way I ruined the toilet on the last day (I was really ill, assumed food poisoning).

He made a comment about an ex, said they barely went out for meals because she preferred ‘scoffing’ takeaways so she didn’t have to leave the sofa.

My Dad is a big football fan so they were talking about the World Cup, and moaning a bit about the really late kick off times. My BF said the real winners of that are the local dealers.

My parents were polite in response but I could tell they were unimpressed. My BF says it was a really ‘intense’ first meeting going for a meal which is why he had more to drink than he should have done.

I suppose I have two questions…do you think there’s any coming back from this (was what he said that bad or not) and was this too an intense first meeting?

He is really kind towards me, we’ve had some lovely times together and most of the time he makes me feel comforted and secure. It’s the best sex of my life and I’ve never came so much from a partner. There is a lot to like but he’s not perfect, but then neither am I.

What a horrible comment. I mean it when I say that I am glad she isn’t my mum and that I was taught to value people regardless of their class, wealth or upbringing.

‘Acts like they were dragged up on an estate’ - how disgustingly offensive!

Adults behaving badly come from all walks of life, and upbringing does not dictate manners as an adult - especially by the age of 31. He might have behaved badly, but your mother has generalised a whole group of people who had nothing to do with this situation.

If this is him on his best behaviour I dread to think what awaits you further down the line. Do you really want a partner who drinks so much and has to be told not to make disgusting comments?

Plenty of men are good in bed. It’s not a good enough reason to make him a long term partner.

Stay with him, if you are ok with him never changing.

Expect that he will act in front of your children the way he does your parents. I'm assuming he does drugs if he is making jokes about a dealer, he was potentially testing what he could away with. I've seen friends who thought men would stop taking drugs, and didn't.

Why even bother asking on here if all you’re going to do is defend him?!
Great sex isn’t a reason to stay with someone who clearly has very little respect for you or your parents.
i agree with your mother that you can do better.. but you clearly don’t think so. His comments about his ex show a real disrespect. In 20 years of a relationship with my now ex husband he never once commented on a single 1 of his ex’s, not a single word about them, his attitude was that they were his ex’s and didn’t have any relevance to our relationship.. I think that’s respectful to the ex’s, Belittling them for eating takeaways is horrible and especially to your parents. Drinking so much is also disrespectful for you and them. One drink to settle nerves maybe, but get drunk is just horrible.
I wasted most of my 20’s on a man like this, didn’t end well, and despite the great sex and initial live bombing he turned out to be pretty abusive once we bought a house together - my ex husband was a bloody Angel in comparison

You sound very immature yourself if you think great sex is the key quality to a long term relationship with a low class oik.🙄

Good luck.

Your poor parents must be worried sick and really disappointed that this idiot is their potential future son in law.
I feel for parents having to pretend to like their children’s partners.
mid be mortified if my daughter brought a man home who disrespected women and my DD said ‘well he can be so kind and the sex is great’ 🙄
Give yourself some credit - you don’t need to settle just because he can be kind and a comfort, don’t stay with someone who embarrasses you in public in order to make themself look better, or makes jokes at your expense, this is an abuse tactic to belittle you, then gaslight you with ‘god it was JUST a joke!’… or ‘oh it’s ONLY because I was drunk’…

how disgustingly offensive!

Give it a rest 🥱

You are confusing two totally different stories/people.

LOL.

Beats worrying what the parents think though?

No I’m not-it’s right there in the OP’s subsequent posts if you read them.

Out of curiosity, I’m wondering what your past relationship experiences have been like? Because you’ve spent a few posts on this thread defending this as if it’s totally normal for a man of 31 years old to act this way, even going so far as to claim it’s his age. No, I’m a similar age, as I expect a lot of people on this thread are, and they aren’t excusing it.

What parents think happens to be quite important generally, because aside from possessive parents who think no one is good enough for their son/daughter, I’ve learned that if your parents don’t like your partner, there is usually a very good reason for that, and it’s usually for that same reason that it ends in tears eventually.

Your bar is on the floor and you have an unhealthy view of what is normal, acceptable conduct.

Unfortunately, it seems that for a lot of women it’s a case of any man will do. Any man is better than no man. The bar is in hell.

You’re right, and I think it’s more than whether they were exposed to healthy relationships as children, but also the fact so many men are completely shit relationship material so they just resign themselves to it. ‘’All men are the same so if I don’t accept it, I’ll never meet anyone’’.

I do understand it, especially when you’re younger, but I’m at the stage of life where I’ve accepted if it doesn’t happen for me with someone decent then I’d rather be single. I honestly can’t be arsed with that crap 🤣

Excusing what? it isn"t like he was snorting coke in the toilet then had a fist fight with the dad about football? He made a couple of comments that most people would have just kept to themselves. He doesn"t need to be on his best behaviour and acting like a trained poodle sitting up straight and eating properly just because the parents are "doing interviews", the OP seems heavily into him anyway so if he is going to be around in future isn"t it better the parents just get used to the real him rather than a fake straight from central casting that has to eventually drop the act at some point?

But in this case the OP is into him and the sex is great, I think just drop the programming about parents having the right to judge him like a breeding animal or candidate to work in the Royal Household and they will be fine.

Holding civilised conversation with your partners parents who you don’t know and who presumably mean a lot to her for a few hours is not being expected to act like a trained poodle. What planet are you on, seriously? 🤣

Refraining from talking about your girlfriend’s shit and your fat, lazy ex at a meal is a performance? 🤣 Well, then you just proved the point if you class normal conversation as performing 😂

If OP meant that much to him, he would have made an effort to be civil for her sake, even if he was nervous. There isn’t an excuse and the fact you’re trying your hardest to excuse it says a lot about you.

He admitted he was nervous, obviously he knew how important it was to the OP, but maybe he doesn"t view having sex with someone for a few months as the same as "partners" or potential marriage and wondered why he was being paraded for the parent"s approval?

I have read all your updates, but not any of the replies you have.

I agree with your mother, you can do better

having a meal when meeting the parents is not intense he is a fully grown adult
he can behave better he chose not to.

it won't get better. it will get to the stage you will be embarrassed to take him to family social events because he doesn't care / care enough about you

butt hey ho the sex is the best you've ever had.

OP is into him and enjoys the sex and for now she's going to rugsweep the giant red flags he's waving that he's a drunken crass rude asshole instead of being courteous and civil when something matters to OP.

She can't complain next time he fucks up something important to her by behaving like an idiot. Well, she can but he's already shown her who he is and that he will embarrass her in public and in front of people that are important to her and that's going to eventually drive people away because louts don't go over well except with other louts.

Her parents sound like normal people whom probably care dearly for her, and only want the very best for her.

She thinks enough of them to want them to meet him.

Her mother thinks he's rough and wasn't impressed.
I doubt her view was anything more than genuine concern.

Marrying down rarely works when it involves an oik that hasn't developed the self awareness to learn how to conduct himself appropriately, with his partners parents.

OP will face a future of embarrassment where people cringe for her.
People lose friends when they marry an oik.
Other couples, even other men, who know better, don't want to socialise with a twat that doesn't know how to adapt their conversation to their audience.

People back away from such couples with remarks like "she's lovely, but what was she thinking with him!"

I’d have thought that if someone has been invited to a meal with the parents, their intentions are serious rather than just having sex, wouldn’t you? Again, obviously we’re from different planets when it comes to social norms and relationships.

If he didn’t feel like the relationship was serious enough and didn’t want it to be, he was free to say no at the invitation. These things aren’t unilaterally decided.

Do you realise what you’re actually saying here @KeepPumping? You’re saying that expecting him to be civil is expecting him to perform, so therefore you’re saying that being a rude, disrespectful dickhead is the real him.

There are literally 1000 topics of conversation you could have with strangers over dinner. Your parents, your childhood, hobbies, education, current affairs, sport, your job, etc.

He chose to disparage his ex and talk about their daughter’s toilet misfortune. Who knows, they may have enjoyed that type of conversation once they know each other, but they don’t know each other well enough, and regardless, I think most people wouldn’t like that kind of conversation at a dinner table.

That’s the point.

No,whether you meet up with someone"s parents or not has no bearing on the "seriousness" of a relationship between two adults, if the OP wants to follow Victorian courting traditions fine, but the dynamic between two people is independent of the social norms, or fluff as some might think of it. the OP is seriously into him and is trying to speed up the process of him becoming socially accepted by her family, he might not want to break off the great sex and is maybe very into the OP so goes along with things but isn"t really invested as much as the OP in things outside their personal dynamic.