BF messed up meeting parents, gave excuse about it being intense

[Jasjasdance]

Things have been getting more serious between my BF and I so we have started to meet each others family. I met his mum last weekend which went really well, and he met my parents this weekend. We went for a drink and then a meal after.

He had a couple of drinks before meeting them (he said to help his nerves) and then two more at the pub. He was then drinking wine at the restaurant and was really tipsy. He then started acting up a bit towards the end. Just a few comments you shouldn’t really make when meeting someone’s parents for the first time.

We were discussing the city break we went on last month, and I said I wouldn’t return to that particular AirBnB. He said they wouldn’t let me back after the way I ruined the toilet on the last day (I was really ill, assumed food poisoning).

He made a comment about an ex, said they barely went out for meals because she preferred ‘scoffing’ takeaways so she didn’t have to leave the sofa.

My Dad is a big football fan so they were talking about the World Cup, and moaning a bit about the really late kick off times. My BF said the real winners of that are the local dealers.

My parents were polite in response but I could tell they were unimpressed. My BF says it was a really ‘intense’ first meeting going for a meal which is why he had more to drink than he should have done.

I suppose I have two questions…do you think there’s any coming back from this (was what he said that bad or not) and was this too an intense first meeting?

Seems insensitive id say ...does he make comments like this when you both go out alone ? I'd take tiny steps watch his behaviour don't saddle yourself with a tit-head.

Yep, this I’m afraid.

ew! run from this one. He sounds like an oaf.

Id arrange another meeting with your parents and see how that goes. Or try a few meet with some friends over a meal and drinks. If he leans on the alcohol again and resorts to inappropriate comments then its a problem. What happens when he leans on alcohol for all the other stressful things life has in store? More alcohol? More crass comments? Tbh this as a starting point isnt great. It doesnt mean its not recoverable but he would need to really step up his game and demonstrate he isnt dependent on alcohol to cope with lifes normal stresses.

I wonder if we have the same friend. My friend’s ex got so stoned at their wedding he couldn’t speak.

@Jasjasdance - I don’t think you’re compatible. Some people would find him hilarious - you and your parents don’t.

I’d be embarrassed too. I honestly thought you were going to say he was about 20. Has he not moved on from poo jokes by 31?

Blimey, I was expecting 21 or so.

He didn’t cover himself in glory but it wasn’t the crime of the century. I don’t think my parents were particularly impressed with my now DH when they first met him (although he was 23 not 31) but 10.5 years later they adore him. A first meeting is always going to be a bit awkward, just try again and have him do better next time.

FWIW I do think a meal is quite intense for a first meeting. It’s almost like they were interviewing him. Maybe next time bring him along to something that is happening anyway. More people makes it less awkward.

Not as patronising as expecting him to perform like a pet poodle just because mum and dad are there. If they want what is best for the OP they will accept the person she loves, toilet jokes and all, it seems to be the OP that has the problem with how he performed though?

Or maybe stop trying to shoehorn him into your family after only 7 months?

I don’t think 7 months is soon at all to be meeting the parents. Feels quite late to me. When would you suggest?

He doesn"t really need to step up anything, the OP has been seeing him for 7 months, maybe he is planning to end it and the odd humour was just a test or a way to set the OP up for a break up argument, or maybe he isn"t that smart and manipulative and is just a product of his generation, a bit lost with anything that doesn"t involve a phone glued to your hand?

After the relationship has reached a point where they want to live together, that might be approriate.

He's absolutely right though. They'll be coining it in

and don"t go to the toilet when he is about.

Gob smacked to find out he was 31.
Sounds really immature. Maybe not the man for you?

That isn’t normal at all

His use of alcohol seems a worry. He’s 31 not 18. Nice to know he has a back up with a dealer if the alcohol doesn’t hit the spot.

He sounds a bit skanky OP and I think you know deep down that you’re incompatible. I know people who’d say that stuff - would I want to date them/make a life with them? Nah.

As a mother of a 22 year old - if I met her partner and he acted like that I would not support the relationship as she deserves a lot better. A 31 year old acting like that I would have probably told him then and there he was being inappropriate and if it continued I would have left

It depends how he handles it. If he doesn’t accept that he was out of order then there is a problem. If he is willing to try again later on and maybe stay away from the alcohol then maybe. His comments aren’t great but I think if out of character could be forgiven. If this is his usual manner then I’d be saying thanks but no thanks

Does he use drugs?

Are you from different backgrounds, are your parents a bit more posh/uptight generally?

I find the comment about the toilet quite funny, my parents would have laughed.

The ex thing is just weird - why bring up an ex? And men slagging off their ex is the biggest red flag 🚩

the drug comment is also weird. As is the excessive drinking - it’s not an intense way to meet someone, going for drinks and a meal is a great way to meet someone.

additional context needed

Most people (as evidenced by the results of the poll) would not think inviting your BF to have a meal with your closest relatives and expecting him not to get pissed, slag off his ex, try to embarrass you about the time you had diarrhoea = expecting him to behave like a pet poodle😂

Hopefully this has shown OP what he's really like and she'll feel able to move on from him sharpish.

@Jasjasdance what does he do for a living? I’d expect someone at 31 to be able to meet new people without it being “intense”.
Toilet jokes are always grim and there’s no excuse for that, particularly as he was using you as the punchline.
Also bad form to be talking about his ex in front of your parents.
I’d seriously be considering ending the relationship.

This man has absolutely no respect for you OP, and if I’d been one of your parents I’d have said something or walked out to be honest. That is a foul thing to say. If a grown ass man of 31 can’t handle a situation like meeting his GF’s parents without getting pissed up and embarrassing himself then what is he good for? Being able to conduct himself appropriately in public situations is not a big ask. That would be the end of the relationship for me, and I would be letting my parents know so they are aware I didn’t tolerate his disgusting behaviour.

So it’s okay for him to say he’s looking forward to ejaculating over the OP’s breasts while having dinner? Urgh raise your standards.