BF messed up meeting parents, gave excuse about it being intense

[Jasjasdance]

Things have been getting more serious between my BF and I so we have started to meet each others family. I met his mum last weekend which went really well, and he met my parents this weekend. We went for a drink and then a meal after.

He had a couple of drinks before meeting them (he said to help his nerves) and then two more at the pub. He was then drinking wine at the restaurant and was really tipsy. He then started acting up a bit towards the end. Just a few comments you shouldn’t really make when meeting someone’s parents for the first time.

We were discussing the city break we went on last month, and I said I wouldn’t return to that particular AirBnB. He said they wouldn’t let me back after the way I ruined the toilet on the last day (I was really ill, assumed food poisoning).

He made a comment about an ex, said they barely went out for meals because she preferred ‘scoffing’ takeaways so she didn’t have to leave the sofa.

My Dad is a big football fan so they were talking about the World Cup, and moaning a bit about the really late kick off times. My BF said the real winners of that are the local dealers.

My parents were polite in response but I could tell they were unimpressed. My BF says it was a really ‘intense’ first meeting going for a meal which is why he had more to drink than he should have done.

I suppose I have two questions…do you think there’s any coming back from this (was what he said that bad or not) and was this too an intense first meeting?

? He isn"t dating the parents, he doesn"t need to meet the parents at all if he doesn"t want to, the partner then has to decide if that is a "deal breaker".

Still confused by why he has to make a "good impression" on people he can choose to have nothing to do with?

Normal people prefer to get on with in laws if possible so don't want to make a bad impression from the get go.

Look. It's awkward being introduced to parents and friends.

And I do think a meal out is quite intense! I met my daughter's boyfriend briefly in passing and a 10 min chat for the first time and met my son's girlfriend in a group of 6 in a casual situation to take the pressure off (both in their 20s). I'd have felt the pressure going out for a meal, never mind them!

I'm in my 50s and I don't think I'd want to meet someone's parents (or more likely children nowadays) for meal where we're going to be sitting facing each other for an hour+ and having to make polite conversation!

Because it’s his partner’s parents who he’s meeting for the first time. It’s courteous to be polite until you know your audience at least, not get half cut and start making immature, humiliating remarks about their daughter’s wild shits and disparaging his ex partner. I must be living in an alternate universe or something for people to think this is normal behaviour.

If this is to be a serious, long term relationship then life is a lot easier if you can get along with your partner’s parents for the sake of relations. There’s a good chance they would need to spend time in each other’s company in the future.

If someone can’t be civil for a few hours over dinner, there’s something wrong. He isn’t someone I’d want to date and as I said I’m not particularly prissy or anything.

Maybe, but realistic people know that it is the personal connection with the partner that matters most, many people hate their in laws and wouldn"t spend any time with them let alone jump through hoops and put on a show to impress them. This guy is from the generation that got smart phones at primary school, they don"t have the social trappings of people brought up in previous decades, he probably had to google "meeting parents" before they went?

This, exactly this. As other posters have said, he is old enough to know better.

Two drinks to steady his nerves beforehand
Two drinks in the pub
Wine with the meal
Disinhibited inappropriate behaviour.

Please tell me that he didn't drive to or from any of these things.

I'd be thinking hard about a future with this one. When people show you their true colours, even drunk ones, - believe them. I can only imagine how "entertaining" his best man's speech will be at your wedding. One of my friends married a guy like this. He and his mates got so pissed that the bride's mum left the reception in tears during speeches that consisted almost entirely of "jokes" about her daughter's body parts and sex life with her new husband. It was f~cking horrific to behold and the fallout was immense. The marriage didn't last either, so none of it was "worth it".

He was ten when smartphones appeared, he doesn"t have a clue how to interact with groups of people that don"t have their phones out. Really serious deep connection relationships don"t need parental approval anyway, the OP needs to decide if the person or the social niceties are more important.

Ok then, next time you end up in a situation with someone you’ve never met at dinner, you start on about the time you had the shits so bad you ruined the toilet? You just don’t do it in civilised situations 🤣

"This one"? He is not a breeding animal, he is a person with his own personality and characteristics that seems to have kept the OP entertained for 7 months, maybe he didn"t realise he was on the Potential Marriage/Social Presentation advanced course?

He was talking about someone else having the shits though, not himself.

Oh come off it. I’m in my thirties, so the same sort of age as him and I know how to behave like a normal human being in social situations so don’t make excuses for being obnoxious and rude. It’s no one else’s fault he wasn’t raised properly.

So that’s even worse then, no? Trying to get a laugh at someone else’s expense, someone he’s supposed to care about no less. Yes, a lovely, charming man, I see.

I wouldn't be able to get over this for a number of reasons.

1. The drinking to cope is worrying and the fact that he continued.
2. The toilet comment was to shame you - most people would not mention that, It was a put down to you.
3. The nasty way he spoke about his ex. I would worry what he is saying about you behind your back to his friends etc.
4. The dealer comment would put me off too. The fact that late kick off led him to think of dealers.
5. The fact that a 31 year old finds sitting down for a meal with two strangers so intense. He sounds like he is 18 and a twat.

Just curious does he work? What was his Mom like? How did he speak to her?

Keep seeing him if you want to but listen to your gut.

He sounds like a late teen. I personally would let him go.

Honestly really depends on the parents. If he’d said this to my mum? I’d be fucking mortified. If he’d said this to my dad? He would have loved it, especially the dealer comment (I might steal it so I can get a good laugh when I see him next). In some families, this would have been totally fine - I guess not in yours. Are you from different backgrounds? I’ve struggled in the past meeting parents because I never know if they’re going to be up for a laugh, what constitutes a laugh, or just generally what the vibe is - so I do feel for him a bit IF this is a one off.

He was crass, he drank too much because he was nervous. If this is an isolated incident I would be inclined to forgive him and perhaps he could arrange something else with them as a little apology. You can’t re do a first impression but you can go a good way on making up for it in my experience with a bit of shmoozing and flattery.

Edit:
Read your other posts - dump him. The tits comment reminds me of when Jay from the inbetweeners asked to “spaff” on that woman’s tits. Instant mega ick.

Do you really want a long term partner who is crass and lacks social skills and feels the need to get loaded for special occasions and then embarrasses you and himself and you can't take him anywhere?

That's a whole lot of nope.

Reality is that half the country drink too much and have zero real social skills if under a certain age, is the OP going to find someone that different in that age group? It is always possible that he deliberately sabotaged this to test the OP or to put the brakes on the advanced marriage program that he didn"t sign up for.

I don’t think the age thing is a fair comment. I’m 26 and while I do know some absolutely socially inept people they’re not all young. Some oldies can’t hold a conversation unless it’s about themselves or bashing younguns. Ageism works both ways. OP there’s normal men out there don’t lose hope.

I agree with this. Does just sound like classic saying stupid things when nervous.

Yeah he would have been in the bin at that point even if just said to me, it shows a mindset that personally I think indicates worse mentality and I would be concerned about what kind of man he was at his core. Drunk words are sober thoughts and all that. I’m the same age as you and there are lots of men our age who wouldn’t have something this grim come to mind, go and find one of them if I were you

"He sounds like he isn't into the relationship in the same way as the OP" - this would be my guess.

I'm not suggesting everyone has to love their in-laws but if they're considering a future together as a couple (as OP has implied) then it's obviously preferable to have a civil relationship with her parents who she's close enough to want to introduce him to. Call it 'ticking social boxes' if you like but most people are interested in their partners' lives, the other people who care about them and have shaped them. If he was that dismissive of the idea of meeting them, he should have said from the start that he wasn't up for the meal.

And all this talking about a 31-year-old as if he can't possibly have any social skills because he's always had a smart phone is absurd and massively patronising.

He just doesn’t sound like a mature person. Is he responsible in other aspects of his life - job, home, finances etc?

Give it more time. None of this is unforgivable and if he’s a decent person, dont push him away for being nervous