AIBU to think my partner should stop his 11-year-old wearing make-up to school?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

Just had a bit of a ding dong with my partner of several years about his 11 year old daughter wearing make up to school this morning and need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

He's just come into our bedroom laughing saying she's wearing make up for school, so I said 'and did you tell her to take it off'? He said no, all her friends wearing it apparently and the teacher just shrugs her shoulders. I said, regardless of what his 11 year old says, he should tell her to take it off.

As a parent myself of a grown girl, there is no way she'd have been allowed to wear make up to school. He says he's going to let her get into trouble at school if it's an issue. I said he should be the one telling her, not school and that he's just avoiding a confrontation and hoping the teachers will do the parenting and it's not fair on them. It's his responsibility.

She's with us about 40% of the time and I'm struggling with him allowing her to get away with so many things, food, phone use etc.

Anyway, he's now in a strop saying I'm criticising his parenting (I am about the make up, I have told him I absolutely think he's wrong on this and feel really strongly about it, he says I'mover reacting and is really angry).

I don't think I can cope with this anymore, being a stepmum is really bloody hard. Why do I even care. I should just let it go. I've said if I'm a part of the kids lives I have to be able to tell him when I disagree with things. I just don't know if I can cope with another 5 or 6 years of teenage stuff and staying quiet about things I feel quite strongly about...

Firstly, it's none of your business about the make-up but it spunds like you find his parenting lax generally.

You sound incompatible since his daughter is with you so much.

YABU. His child, his rules and none of your business.

You’re hugely unreasonable. There is no issues with her wearing make up to school. I did it and turned out perfectly fine. Kids are exploring who they are at this age and enjoying some independence

You need to mind your own business. Its his job to enforce whatever rules he sees fit.

What are you implying? Sounds like quite a leap to me 🤨

Unfortunately you’ve made the mistake of posting on here while being a stepmother, OP. Accept that you are in the wrong. You are not allowed to have an opinion on anything or ever set a rule, even if it’s in the house that you own. But in all other respects, when it comes to sharing the burden of parenting, you must step up and act as if you were no different from the child’s parent, and cancel social engagements and work of your own if you’re needed to look after the child.

How much make up??
Bit of blush and mascara or full blown contouring and fake lashes??
One is not worth an argument the other is.
what does her mother allow because really that is main question. If the two parents agree then there’s nothing to be done.
And he’s not wrong about school and natural consequences. I have this with my teens. They break minor rules about uniform sometimes and I just say that if they get caught they must far the consequences and I won’t be getting them out of it.

It takes a village to raise a child, but if you’re stepparent it’s none of your business ? Sounds like this step mum is trying to stop dad being a Disney dad, which is to the child’s benefit (and Mum’s)?

surely in an ideal world, you’d touch base with DSD’s mum, and check her position. And if she’s also okay with make up then you have to let it go. But if she’s opposed too, then you get your DH to parent properly and back up Mum ?

What exactly are you suggesting?

What an absurd leap. Have you ever met an 11 year old? Experimenting with makeup at that age is totally normal.

It sounds like his behaviour is lax in general. I have a 10yo and she generally follows the rules, no phone etc. Sometimes she wants to break a minor rule e.g. not tying her hair up and I tell her it's up to her to navigate. I realise wearing make-up is a bigger rule break, but (presumably at the end of year 6) I can understand if people are picking their battles somewhat. However it sounds like he isn't having any battles and if he is lax at 11, things are likely to be difficult between you as she gets older.

I'd not have said anything because I wouldn't welcome the same input about my parenting/kids.

Are you fine with him criticising your parenting choices and insisting you do things differently with your own children/grandchildren?

Choose your battles, OP. Is make-up really the hill you want your marriage to die on?

For lots of girls, make-up helps them feel more confident and helps them fit in. In a world where our children's mental health seems to be at an all time low, I don't know how that can be anything other than a good thing.

Make-up may not be your bag, and it's certainly not mine, but if it helps her feel good about herself then you really shouldn't try to stop it.

And I don't know that you really get a say anyway. It's reasonable for you to expect your DP to take your views into account when DSC's behaviour affect you and family life but this is rather different.

I think his girlfriend shouldn’t be trying to parent his child.

What is he lax about? Food? Does that mean he feeds her? Phone use? Does that mean he allows he use of her phone?

Explain how he is lax about these things

His child, his rules. If his parenting is really upsetting you, you may have to rethink whether you want to be with this man as it's only going to get worse as she gets older. BTW I agree that 11 is too young for make up anywhere, let alone school.

Unless she’s gone overboard and looks like a drag queen ( in which case you’d do better to teach her a more subtle age appropriate pallet) then the make up is a triviality.

Many of the strictest independent schools now allow subtle make up ( concealer; non obvious foundation, lip balm) from 11 or so. It does girls no good and inhibits their learning if they are rendered miserable and self conscious by spots or acne. Let them cover up if it helps their self esteem. To quote an old adage, make up not only makes one look better, but feel better.

There may be be a wider issue here about your partner’s parenting, but IMO make up isn’t the hill to die on.

I think you can disagree without demanding that he do differently. That's your problem. Make a case, with reasons, and let him decide. It's not worth getting angry about.

If she is being rude, harming animals, throwing hard objects at tv or being trouble in other ways I get there is an issue but as much as I think make up looks terrbile that is none of your business

But it shouldn't be normal. How have we got to a point where kids are 'experimenting' with makeup at 11? They certainly shouldn't be wearing it at school. Schools need to ban it. Kids should be kids until they're not kids.

OP, I don’t think you’re at all unreasonable, and sadly I have to agree with GCAcademic, that on these pages, a stepmother’s place is necessarily in the wrong, no matter how hard you try. I would ask your DH what he wants you to do by way of parenting his daughter: are you to ignore all behaviour and leave it entirely up to him to do the parenting, set boundaries, supervise phone use and leave you to treat his DD as you would a visiting niece, or does he want you to co-parent with him, because he can’t have it both ways and expect you to do the “grunt work” of parenting while letting your DSD run rings round you. As you say, either you’re a part of his DC’s life and able to say things, or you leave it entirely up to him. It’s not easy, OP - and for what it’s worth, I think an eleven year old wearing make up to school is ridiculous, and while there may be a couple of friends doing so, it will by no means be every other girl in the class.

Her mum would absolutely not allow make up to school.

I have zero problem with make up experimentation at home, sleep overs, weekends etc, but for school? She's only 11 and I just feel he should be saying no.

I think parenting teenagers is hard and if you aren’t able to either stay uninvolved or for him to let you be involved this won’t work. There’s lots of different ways to parent and lots of options between neglectful and helicopter - you seem to sit in different places and that will be hard work. You aren’t the parent here and he doesn’t want you to be. So you need to either let go and watch whatever happens or walk away.

Anecdotally loads of 11 year olds were wearing a bit of makeup to school when my daughter was that age. She’s not particularly girly like that but she wears some now at 13. Couldn’t believe the size of the eyelashes at her P7 dance!

But he isn't so.. Just let it go.