AIBU to think my partner should stop his 11-year-old wearing make-up to school?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

Just had a bit of a ding dong with my partner of several years about his 11 year old daughter wearing make up to school this morning and need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

He's just come into our bedroom laughing saying she's wearing make up for school, so I said 'and did you tell her to take it off'? He said no, all her friends wearing it apparently and the teacher just shrugs her shoulders. I said, regardless of what his 11 year old says, he should tell her to take it off.

As a parent myself of a grown girl, there is no way she'd have been allowed to wear make up to school. He says he's going to let her get into trouble at school if it's an issue. I said he should be the one telling her, not school and that he's just avoiding a confrontation and hoping the teachers will do the parenting and it's not fair on them. It's his responsibility.

She's with us about 40% of the time and I'm struggling with him allowing her to get away with so many things, food, phone use etc.

Anyway, he's now in a strop saying I'm criticising his parenting (I am about the make up, I have told him I absolutely think he's wrong on this and feel really strongly about it, he says I'mover reacting and is really angry).

I don't think I can cope with this anymore, being a stepmum is really bloody hard. Why do I even care. I should just let it go. I've said if I'm a part of the kids lives I have to be able to tell him when I disagree with things. I just don't know if I can cope with another 5 or 6 years of teenage stuff and staying quiet about things I feel quite strongly about...

I'm glad you've backed down. I understand why you reacted the way you reacted but honestly this has been happening for decades. I'm 53. From day 1 of the first year at senior school (now year 7) I wore full make up including very obvious purple eyeliner and mascara, constant application of heather shimmer lipstick (as was pretty much compulsory in the day) and a liberal splash of white musk perfume oil. I also wore heeled school shoes and my uniform pushed the boundaries of "black shoes with socks or black tights, black or grey skirt, white blouse, navy jumper" with my long very pale grey skirt and white crushed silk blouse with kitten heeled black shoes, 7 denier black tights and a jumper which could barely be called navy only ever worn tied over my shoulders.

It didn't ruin my education or create a lifetime habit of rebelling against rules. I am a successful lawyer I earn a six figure salary working part time and rule following is basically my living. These are not the things to push back against. Obviously if school objects and tells her to take it off then that is different and you should support the school's stance.

I remember when my DD became all girlie in Y7 and became closed to her own SM, when I'm everything but girlie.

It broke my heart at the time and of course, the fear that she'd be all about physical appearance grip me. I let it go though and trusted that my influence would balance it out.

Inevitably, she became her own self, and that became being not much interested in make up, nails or anything like that. Just making sure to get her hair styled every 6 months, oh and a nose ring, shock horror, but she got bored of that!

Wow weird comment

I only read your posts but you haven’t specified how much make up we’re talking here. If she had a full thick layer of foundation, blusher, lipstick, eyeliner, eyelashes etc then of course YANBU because that’s a ridiculous amount at any age imo. If she just had some lip gloss and mascara on then whatever, I’d shrug it off.

My SDs have been wearing make up to school since they were about 8 and in year 3 OP (they go to school from their mum’s but arrive at ours on Fridays)…

Some parents just are a bit crap, your partner and my SDs’ mum included.

For me, this wouldn't be the hill I'd die on - if it's a bit of makeup, and her friends are wearing it too, and the school isn't sending her home or calling you to pick her up or anything... well, then it's just a difference of opinion and not something to light a fire over.

When my daughter started showing a bit of interest I took her to Boots and got her some proper stuff (she has eczema so needs specific brands) and made sure she knew what she was doing (sort of, some questionable eyeshadow choices since!). I don't wear makeup so it wasn't about parenting, she was just interested.

Unless it's a full face, loads of expensive requests and fake eyelashes etc then I would just let this go - personally. I was wearing makeup to school at 12 so it's not exactly a new concept.

However, if you keep telling everyone you'll 'get in your box' that sounds really, really passive aggressive and I imagine unpleasant for everyone around you. Hopefully you're only saying that on here!

This is just the tip of the iceberg as I'm sure you know - there will be endless examples of a difference in parenting styles when she's 15/16/17 - when she can have a boy/girlfriend sleep over, what sort of curfew she has, if you buy her drinks for her 16th... all the things that come up here and I'd guess you would have incredibly different views on.

I'm with the OP and don't really understand why on Page 5 people are still commenting on the exact amount of makeup used.

The issue is the dad's general lax parenting (that clashes with his ex's) and him, to quote the OP, "spoiling her rotten". We don't have many details of this, but I definitely agree, for instance, that allowing an 11 year old to scroll on a smartphone till 10/11pm is bad parenting. He just wants to be the favourite parent.

It's not realistic to live with a child 40% of the time and have no opinions on how they are parented. I couldn't do it.

Yes I'm saying I'll get back in my box on here only, as many people have pointed out how very wrong I am.

The funny thing is I'm way way more laid back than her mum in so many ways.

Also, I've given her all my old make up to muck about with, as I did at her age.

We go shopping together, I do her hair.

But I just don't agree with make up at primary school aged 11. Neither does her mum. Nether does school.

when she starts secondary and is 12, that's fine!!

Her dad annoyed me this morning by chuckling about it it and saying he'd let the teachers deal with it if there was a problem.

If you think his parenting is lax, guarantee the school think the same thing.

Lazy parenting.

Being a step mum is tough. You have said you’ll stay out of it and that’s really the best thing all round, it’s her dad’s issue to deal with. Interesting debate though - I wore a little make up to school from 11 onwards and don’t see an issue it - picking your battles was my mums very sensible approach. Although they do seem to go a bit more full on these days, lol, not sure what my mum would have made of the false eyelashes. Let it go op, you sound like you do a lot for kids that aren’t your own, I hope they appreciate you.

he'd let the teachers deal with it if there was a problem.

This is why teachers have to waste so much time on behaviour management. Teachers having to take on parental responsibility.

Sorry, to clarify, it was concealer (a very expensive one her dad bought in a v expensive shop last month) foundation, bit of blush, mascara, subtle, but most definitely there. Subtle eyebrows. Not garish.

She looked gorgeous, but it's Monday morning at primary school!

And it's more her dad's attitude to it and letting school deal with it that pissed me off tbh.

Maybe because kids do experiment with things like makeup and there’s a huge difference between trying to leave the house with it troweled on as an 11 yo and just having a bit of lip gloss on…

Step-parenting does sound testing, I couldn’t personally do it and I don’t think many can successfully. He’s ultimately her actual parent so gets the final say.

While I think step parents can have a say on parenting if child's behaviour affects the step parent negatively, I don't think that it was your call to say anything about the make up. It's just not important. If the child gets into trouble with school then she and your partner can sort it. Keep out of it and tbh, chose your battles wisely when it comes to having step children in your life.

If you can't then perhaps a blended family isn't for you (and no shame in that at all).

Then you would say this because you were OK. It's actually not OK for a child in primary school to wear make up - I have taught in PS and you WILL be judged.

Mixed feelings about this. I have a 9 year old who's been asking for make up. I wanted to resist but I also know it's normal, at this age it's more of a play thing, so I got her some kids bits from Claires. She barely uses it tbh, and I don't let her out the house with any on.
Secondary school age is a hard one. I don't know how I'll handle it yet, but I think if all her friends are doing it, I won't give her a reason to be picked on etc by not allowing her. I think as long as it's minor and not a full face, best to let it go. It'll cause problems in your relationship if you don't, and it is a normal thing for young girls to experiment with, whether we like it or not.

Eta: i remember my first day of secondary school, turning up in a long pleated skirt, at at the end of the day, one of the girls I'd made friends with told me to roll my skirt up the next morning. It's the way secondary school is, and I think it's important to fit in and make friends for a good experience

I bet he wants input in other areas though doesn't he?!

Does her mum have an adult helping HER when she has her 60% of the time? If she’s with someone I can assure you they won’t be doing as much work as you are!

Why the hell are you parenting his child for him? If you left he will just find some other woman to raise her for him and bite her head off when she points out his inadequacies and the fact he’s weak.

It is not just about the make up is it, surely you can see that, He has a nanny and housekeeper and that is all the OP is. She is perfectly useful for babysitting but is not allowed to express an opinion. What woman would waste her life on such a situation?

@BrazilBalls my GC wears mascara and does her eyebrows. She's very sensible and top of her year, she has had a comprehension of a 14 year old since she was 10. There's real issues within some of the families. You must be very fortunate that this would be on your radar. We were copying Blondie, with the eyeliner, at 11, it hasn't led to a life if whoredom or poor MH. We then moved on to Henna to dye our gair at 12. I hate when age rules are applied for the sake of it. Shaving is another one. Let's keep the rhetoric that men need to keep their hands off children and let children experiment. School life is supposed to mirror work.

I agree with you, OP.

I’m not keen on the term ‘step-parent’, unless a child’s parent is dead or has totally abandoned them and another person adopts them. IMHO, a parent’s partner isn’t a parent to a child who has two involved parents: they’re simply the parent’s partner, however much they help look after them and love them.

So, IMHO you shouldn’t interfere with his parenting unless it’s abusive. However, as most partners do, you can gently express your observation of how he behaves in relationships with other people and why that may be damaging. So, you’re perfectly entitled to let him know he’s:

• Disrespecting and undermining his DD’s mother.
• Disrespecting sensible school rules.
• Failing to take responsibility as a parent.
• Encouraging his DD to feel/act sexualised pre-puberty, when she should be enjoying her childhood.

IMHO, a bit of lip gloss at 11 is one thing, but concealer, blusher, mascara etc is not what a child should be wearing. And she’ll presumably be told by school it’s not acceptable.

Sorry to say this, but your DP sounds weak.

I personally don't think you'd do anything wrong if next time you talk make up or do hair, you talk to her about why she wants to wear make up at school. Kids and teenagers respond so much better to talking about the reason they do things they ultimately know is not right than telling them not to do something and if they do, they'll be punished.

It's so much easier to influence them that way. If you have a good relationship with her, and it sounds like you do, she'll open up to you without feeling she is being told of or judged.

I started wearing make up at 11, clear mascara, powder and a tinted lip balm. I see no issue with this, I understand if it’s bright lipstick, false eyelashes etc as for school maybe that is a bit over the top. However I would say pick your battles with a potentially hormonal girl! If you want the relationship with her to be good then keep quiet and let dad sort it.

I find it really disturbing that we accepted this as normal.

It's really dangerous and feeding into rape culture to say acts like putting on make up or what we wear, sexualises us. Girls are over sexualised as it is. We just exsist, sometimes we paint ourselves, sometimes we show skin, it doesn't make us sexual.