AIBU to think my partner should stop his 11-year-old wearing make-up to school?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

Just had a bit of a ding dong with my partner of several years about his 11 year old daughter wearing make up to school this morning and need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

He's just come into our bedroom laughing saying she's wearing make up for school, so I said 'and did you tell her to take it off'? He said no, all her friends wearing it apparently and the teacher just shrugs her shoulders. I said, regardless of what his 11 year old says, he should tell her to take it off.

As a parent myself of a grown girl, there is no way she'd have been allowed to wear make up to school. He says he's going to let her get into trouble at school if it's an issue. I said he should be the one telling her, not school and that he's just avoiding a confrontation and hoping the teachers will do the parenting and it's not fair on them. It's his responsibility.

She's with us about 40% of the time and I'm struggling with him allowing her to get away with so many things, food, phone use etc.

Anyway, he's now in a strop saying I'm criticising his parenting (I am about the make up, I have told him I absolutely think he's wrong on this and feel really strongly about it, he says I'mover reacting and is really angry).

I don't think I can cope with this anymore, being a stepmum is really bloody hard. Why do I even care. I should just let it go. I've said if I'm a part of the kids lives I have to be able to tell him when I disagree with things. I just don't know if I can cope with another 5 or 6 years of teenage stuff and staying quiet about things I feel quite strongly about...

I bet he’s expecting OP to behave like a parent when it suits him tho! Cooking, cleaning, laundry, pick up/drop offs, lifts, babysitting and taking responsibility when he’s not there - am I right, OP?

You don't know that. And if it's true, then the OP should certainly focus on this rather than impose her views on make up.

“How have we got to a point where kids are experimenting with makeup at 11”

This isn’t a recent thing. Myself and the other girls in my year group were all wearing make up to school when we turned 11 and went into year 7. That was 20 years ago.

I agree with you. My DD is 12 and there’s no way she’s wearing make up to school. To be honest she doesn’t push it much at the moment, although maybe she will later.
I think what’s tricky here is that he will take any comments as criticism of how he’s parenting his daughter rather than working as a team to figure how to address things that come up. For example, my DH and I have had conversations about limiting phone use etc so we are consistent etc. Sometimes we disagree and compromise and try to see what works. But we’re both trying to achieve the same goal even if we disagree how. Here it seems like your DP does not want your input (or perhaps only wants your input when it suits him?). I get that to some extent as she is his DD. But then it makes things difficult for you, as while the makeup thing might not have much impact on you, other things where he doesn’t draw the line where you would might. I guess you need to have a conversation about your role. In many ways you can step back and say, yes your child so up to you, just offering you something to consider because I’ve been there, done that. And leave him to it. But then I don’t think it’s fair of him to lean on you when he fancies eg can you sort her washing out. Obviously, this will be ongoing so I think you need to talk and/or make your peace with things. Good luck.

And as I have said previously there is a?lot of things i slthink children personally do is wrong but that is my opinion, I dont like male up on anyone it always looks fake to m, vut if the school rules allow it it is allowed

But parents need to agree a common position on big issues and not undermine each other whether they’re living together or not. How else can family life and parenting of boundary pushing teens work? So a common position makes sense on curfews, who can be in house when parents out, boyfriends/ girlfriends, alcohol, drugs, school attendance etc etc.
Yes, in an ideal world, but again, if trying to do results in nasry conflict, that will be more psychological distressing for the kids than having to adjust and understand different rules.

Sadly, just as shown in this thread, it is usually more about one parent demanding their views to be adhered to rather than finding a middle ground, if there is even one.

Completely ignoring the step-parenting issue - in my personal opinion 11 years old is too young to be wearing make up, and definitely not to school.

But then I greatly dislike seeing young people with huge back eye brows, false eyelashes, lipstick well outside the lip line, and 'contouring' that looks like zebra stripes.

I am NOT saying that the 11 year old in this scenario was wearing that, she was probably fairly discreet in what she was wearing (one hopes), but I still think it's too young.

And - I think it's not fair to allow her to set herself up for school discipline. My own daughter does that with my grandson and he is constantly in detention. If the child at least starts the day off dressed correctly/hair neat/no make up then anything they choose to do after they leave the house in the morning is their own fault. It is the parent's job to try to ensure that the child is dressed appropriately when they leave for school in the morning.

Well you have to ask yourself what type of parent allows an 11 year old to go to Primary school wearing make up. Is it the type of person you want to share your life with ? no it is not. Life is too short , find someone that has the same values as yourself. Life will be much easier.

Typical, pass the buck to the school.

Am I not allowed an opinion?
Of course you are and it's a valid one. But it's not the only valid one and ultimately, your OH should face the last word without being made to feel guilty and that he's a bad parent.

You apologised, so that's great. Maybe you both need to talk more about your different parenting styles, but in calm times.

Then again, adding that you'll stay in your lane sounds like trying to guilt trip him.

Yes you're right.

I base my whole life around when we have them as I love their dad. I cook, do their laundry, live where I don't want to to be near their mum and school, because I love their dad.

I have a grown up daughter and we have different ideas about what an 11 year old is allowed to do.

I'm also struggling with her being on her phone until 10 or 11pm on school nights and being a hugely fussy eater.

I only want what's best for her when she's with us. I adore her.

Being a stepmum is really tough and until you've been one I don't think anyone can understand.

It’s true, I don’t know that. I’m just going of hundreds of threads where women complain about their partner leaving them to raise THEIR kids and becoming enraged when they’re criticised - and it’s suddenly ‘how dare you criticise MY parenting MY kids?!!! It’s none of your business!!!” But they’re happy to be living in the woman’s house, accepting all the work she does for their kids that I listed and basically parenting on their behalf - which is what a lot of these men are primarily looking in a partner besides accommodation and sex. Nannies with fannies.

They act all indignant bc they hate being criticised and feel the fact the woman is the step parent gives them leverage to shirk responsibility and be the lazy arseholses they are with no come back - OP’s just said she’ll apologise and stay in her lane FFS.

She’s right - it ISN’T schools responsibility. And it isn’t hers either.

He can’t have it both ways, OP. If he wants you to do all the thankless drudgery that goes with being a parent but you’re not allowed to voice your views about being an actual parent you need to knock all that stuff on the head and tell him why. He will cave. But not before telling you you’re the selfish and unreasonable one obviously.

Not your child. Not your choice.

I wrote the above post while you were writing your reply to my previous one - please try what I suggested to see his reaction and how he really sees and values you 💐

Hahaha
Yeah, totally normal advice, break up with your husband and split your family because he lets his DD wear makeup to school! Brilliant

Huh
Well in that case he's got quite the nerve getting the hump with you when he lets you do so much parenting. Why are you? Why isn't he doing the care?

Nailed it. Those 'none of your business' posts blow my mind.

Wtf 😂 how is apologising and saying I'll stay in my lane guilt tripping him.

Are you married? As you keep saying partner?

He does do the care, but we're a couple and when she's here I do everything I'd normally do but for her too.

No, not married, together for several years.

I've been in her life since she was 6.

What sort of make up? My youngest is 12 (yr 7) and wears some light make up (concealer or light foundation and powder). She is self conscious about her skin and feels better when her blemishes are evened out and her nose and forehead aren't shiny!

Her school rules are that light make up can be worn from year 9 so technically she's breaking the rules but subtly enough to not get caught and I completely understand her reasons.

A full face of smokey eyeshadow, false lashes, blusher and red lipstick would be different. But it is for her mum and dad to deal with, not you. You've said what you think and dad has overruled you. It's not directly affecting you, so I suggest leave it.

I agree with you OP and your partner sounds an irresponsible, careless parent. It's only going to get more difficult. If you are caring for your step daughter, washing, cooking etc I do think you are entitled to comment on other aspects of her upbringing.

Nailed it 👌

I only want what's best for her when she's with us. I adore her
OP, with all good intentions, this is exactly what my SM would have said.

She came into my life quite suddenly when I was 8yo. She had a completely different parenting style to my dad. As it stood, my dad and mum were more aligned to eachother but that's not so relevant.

My SM, who herself had been raised conservatively had much stricter views than my dad, and she made sure to let him know....and it was HELL for everyone for years. It almost led to them divorcing and it totally messed me up psychologically. It led to my confidence being totally knocked out, to feel that I evolved in a world of unfairness and to develop extreme anger against her to the point of hatred.

In the end, my dad's parenting views prevailed, thank god, but of course, it led her to feel unheard and extremely unhappy and frustrated.

All this for what? I have very poor memories of the times I spent at my dad as a child, the only good ones were of when it was only him and I without her.

It left me struggling to like myself and feeling confident. I only got over this when I stopped going to my dad at 15.

It took until having my own kids to stop hating my stepmum. The outcome? She admitted that she acted as she did because of genuine concern I would turn 'bad'. Except that I didn't turn bad at all, totally on the opposite. I did very well all through the years. When she realised this, adapting much better to adult life than her own daughter, she then had to learn to live with the guilt.

I stopped hating her, learnt to respect her good intentions. We have an adult relationship and I am okay spending time with her. It's almost a caring relationship, but I will NEVER EVER forgive her for the angst I suffered as a child and teenager.

Morality of the story....such utter waste, especially when ultimately, she did love me in her own way, but because of her behaviour, I got to hate her.