AIBU to think my partner should stop his 11-year-old wearing make-up to school?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

Just had a bit of a ding dong with my partner of several years about his 11 year old daughter wearing make up to school this morning and need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

He's just come into our bedroom laughing saying she's wearing make up for school, so I said 'and did you tell her to take it off'? He said no, all her friends wearing it apparently and the teacher just shrugs her shoulders. I said, regardless of what his 11 year old says, he should tell her to take it off.

As a parent myself of a grown girl, there is no way she'd have been allowed to wear make up to school. He says he's going to let her get into trouble at school if it's an issue. I said he should be the one telling her, not school and that he's just avoiding a confrontation and hoping the teachers will do the parenting and it's not fair on them. It's his responsibility.

She's with us about 40% of the time and I'm struggling with him allowing her to get away with so many things, food, phone use etc.

Anyway, he's now in a strop saying I'm criticising his parenting (I am about the make up, I have told him I absolutely think he's wrong on this and feel really strongly about it, he says I'mover reacting and is really angry).

I don't think I can cope with this anymore, being a stepmum is really bloody hard. Why do I even care. I should just let it go. I've said if I'm a part of the kids lives I have to be able to tell him when I disagree with things. I just don't know if I can cope with another 5 or 6 years of teenage stuff and staying quiet about things I feel quite strongly about...

Unfortunately you’ve made the mistake of posting on here while being a stepmother, OP. Accept that you are in the wrong. You are not allowed to have an opinion on anything or ever set a rule, even if it’s in the house that you own
That's not the issue. Having an opinion is sharing it in a constructive manner is absolutely what couple should do.

A SM insisting to the point of fighting that her opinion is the only possible right one and that by him not obeying her and doing as he's told is unacceptable is dreadful controlling behaviour. To then act like they are the victim is indeed not going to trigger sympathy from most people.

Why does any SP think that their views on parenting and disciplining should prevail that of the actual parent is beyond me.

Really surprised at some of the responses here. But taking them onboard. I'm amazed at how many people here are ok with 11 year olds wearing make up to school. I'm quite shocked he's letting her go in to school with make up on at 11. I've apologised to him for saying my mind and as I said, I'll get back in my box.

That sounds a bit passive aggressive and unhealthy. Think about it - wouldn’t more general discussion on the issue to find a way forward be a better way to deal with it as these types of problems arise in the future?

There is a lot of things children do that I dont personally agree with but there is difference in my opinion on what they are doing and what is none of my business, if the school allows it it is allowed

So he really isn’t working with her mum is he. Does that feel a bit red flaggish to you, OP?
That says more about you to question this. Why should the male parent be the one to align with the female parent when it comes to parenting? Why not the other way?

There is no right or wrong in this scenario. I'm sure my DD has gone to school with make up at that age. I wouldn't have known, I left for work before she was up. She was a stellar student and is now in a stellar career. Ironically, she hates make up and never wear any, even going to work in her late 20s.

I wouldn't let my 11 year old DD wear makeup to school but with my DSD if her dad didn't object I wouldn't see it as my business. There are many things I do with my DS that DH wouldn't do with his kids and vice versa but we stay in our lanes, unless we ask the other for support, or one of the kids has done something out of order when the parent isn't present in which case we address it at the time and handover to the parent.

I wouldn’t have allowed lots of make up myself. But a little lip salve for dry lips and concealer for spots was fine until much older. But as I said, the makeup is a red herring.

The greater issue from your update is the failure by the child’s parents to agree a position on key issues which is very unhealthy for her and likely to cause issues. If they have her best interests at heart rather than personal ego and point scoring, they’d understand that agreeing a common position is better to avoid contravening the other’s authority and to head off teenage fights in other areas.

For me, my 11 year old would not be wearing make up. I also dont allow heels. Lots of equally good or even better parents than me are fine with both.

The school doesnt care if shes in make up, her father doesnt care if shes in make up.. so why is this your hill to die on?

Regarding the make up YABU, shes not your kid, she wants to fit it in, hes made his decision about his child. Butt out.

That said where someones reaction isnt proportionate (yours isnt) id be asking whats the real problem and are you compatible?

As a retired teacher, I think you are completely right. I used to get fed up with parents taking the easy, "aren't I a lovely parent who's your friend" route instead of helping teachers by enforcing school rules
You are talking extreme. Challenging rules is a perfectly normal teenage development stage.

It's good for teenagers to learn that both parents AND other firms of authority can challenge them on not following rules.

What would be wrong is if she got punished at school and then the dad made a point to say the school was wrong instead of backing the school 100% at that stage.

Yes I see what you mean, but my point is that the child’s parents don’t seem to be compromising together to present a joint front on whether they expect their child to keep to the school rules or allow her openly to break them.

I do agree with the mother and step-mother as it happens but ann anssumption that the mum is anlqays right isn’t quite what I meant.

What rubbish.

I think you’ve missed the point of what everyone is saying about it. No one ‘wants’ their 11yo to wear make up. But if they have chosen to because of societal pressures, and it makes them feel better (and rather obviously it shouldn’t, but the point is it does), then that is more important. Your child has grown up now, but you must be surely aware of the massive mental health problems many current teenagers are experiencing? TikTok etc have been an utter disaster and will be banned soon for under 16s. Parents will take anything to get them through it. It’s not the same as parenting a decade ago.

The greater issue from your update is the failure by the child’s parents to agree a position on key issues which is very unhealthy for her and likely to cause issues. If they have her best interests at heart rather than personal ego and point scoring, they’d understand that agreeing a common position is better to avoid contravening the other’s authority and to head off teenage fights in other areas
This isn't correct. Parents, either together or not, don't have to agree on everything about parenting. If they are, great, if they don't, they need to respect each others view.

What is important for kids is to avoid conflict, which leads to confusion, and kids feeling caught in the middle.

Kids however, especially teenagers, are perfectly capable of understanding that mum and dad can have different views and approaches. It can actually teach them that the world is not black or white and doesn't gave to be to function properly.

Yep.

I bet he’s expecting OP to behave like a parent when it suits him tho!

Cooking, cleaning, laundry, pick up/drop offs, lifts, babysitting and taking responsibility when he’s not there - am I right, OP?

Both the girl's parents should be on the same page. And supporting the school rules is good parenting.

It's fine for Op to give her opinion to her DP. Op is not parenting the girl.
Op could suggest that her partner confer with his ex about basic expected behaviour around school uniform.
Then leave it.

The op is like a few other poster's i have noticed lately they read with what they think os written not what is?actually written the op thinks they are right ans anyone who doesn't agree is wrong

Has Op stated it’s against the school rules? When I asked her she conveniently didn’t answer and merely said the mother didn’t like it, but no one parent has the veto.

In both schools my DDs were at makeup was not allowed until year 9. Anyone wearing it in lower years were made to remove it

Hes right a lot of her friends will be wearing makeup and at that age its usually a bit of mascara and some blush and lip gloss or even if its lashes most girls have them on for a bit then usually get bored of it or the teachers pull them up and they have detentions and it blows over.
Happened with my dd. Shes now 17 and barely wears make up. Pick your battles.

I think you’re overreacting, but just because you disagree with him why should you be right?

Yes I see what you mean, but my point is that the child’s parents don’t seem to be compromising together to present a joint front on whether they expect their child to keep to the school rules or allow her openly to break them
But that's not always possible or realistic, and indeed, it takes parents to be both friendly AND share similar parenting views, which is more unusual in co-parenting situations.

What usually happens is one parent is convinced they know better than the other and expecting, if not demanding the other do as they say.

That attitude is more damaging for kids. They either see it as an opportunity to get their way by playing their parents against each other, or they feel awful and develop a need to try to desperately please both parents, often leading to some level of anxiety. Teenagers are perfectly capable of adapting to different rules in different settings and learning to respect authority regardless of the rules. It can easily be explained by saying there is no right or wrong, just rules that are expected to be followed as set by the setting, be in mum, dad, or the school.

Yes and no. People will always disagree and that’s right and healthy. Most intellectually normal kids will be well aware of mum and dad having different approaches to things from toddlerhood and will exploit this harmlessly from time to time.

But parents need to agree a common position on big issues and not undermine each other whether they’re living together or not. How else can family life and parenting of boundary pushing teens work? So a common position makes sense on curfews, who can be in house when parents out, boyfriends/ girlfriends, alcohol, drugs, school attendance etc etc.

I absolutely think that allowing 11 year old to wear make up TO SCHOOL is wrong.

Am I not allowed an opinion?

I have apologised to my partner and told him I'll stay in my lane.