AIBU to think my partner should stop his 11-year-old wearing make-up to school?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

Just had a bit of a ding dong with my partner of several years about his 11 year old daughter wearing make up to school this morning and need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

He's just come into our bedroom laughing saying she's wearing make up for school, so I said 'and did you tell her to take it off'? He said no, all her friends wearing it apparently and the teacher just shrugs her shoulders. I said, regardless of what his 11 year old says, he should tell her to take it off.

As a parent myself of a grown girl, there is no way she'd have been allowed to wear make up to school. He says he's going to let her get into trouble at school if it's an issue. I said he should be the one telling her, not school and that he's just avoiding a confrontation and hoping the teachers will do the parenting and it's not fair on them. It's his responsibility.

She's with us about 40% of the time and I'm struggling with him allowing her to get away with so many things, food, phone use etc.

Anyway, he's now in a strop saying I'm criticising his parenting (I am about the make up, I have told him I absolutely think he's wrong on this and feel really strongly about it, he says I'mover reacting and is really angry).

I don't think I can cope with this anymore, being a stepmum is really bloody hard. Why do I even care. I should just let it go. I've said if I'm a part of the kids lives I have to be able to tell him when I disagree with things. I just don't know if I can cope with another 5 or 6 years of teenage stuff and staying quiet about things I feel quite strongly about...

Perhaps you’re right, that if agreement isn’t possible then the best way is simply two sets of rules, depending upon who is in charge that day. I don’t like the way it opens it up for one parent to be the push-over and the resentment, at least short term which could ensue against the more strict parent.

I have always admired the way my dh and his ex, in spite of being extremely different people who often disagree, managed to have a pretty consistent approach to what was allowed or not through compromise.

Some girls just love make up. My 11 year old wears it as she has terrible acne and it helps her feel more confident. My 13 years never wears it but has perfect skin and has no interest.
I would let this go.

Wtf 😂 how is apologising and saying I'll stay in my lane guilt tripping him
It sounds passive aggressive to me, but it does depend on the tone of voice.

Is she Y6 or Y7?

y6 I'd make her remove it. Y7 I'd ignore it, as long as she didn't look like crunchy or massively OTT.

i don't think 11 year olds should be wearing make up. Not because it sexualises them (ha ha ha it does not!) but because it's not good for their skin. I think (sadly) we're past the stage (in the uk) where 11.are playing & not thinking about how they look.

however, as a step parent it's not a hill I'd die on. It's not affecting her safety or well being, it's not affecting the household. The three of them (Dp, DSD, DSD's mum) will have to work it out between them (& the school if it's an issue)

She actually clashes with her mum hugely and our household is way less strict than her mum's.

She gets away with absolute murder with her dad as he never ever wants a confrontation.

I let so much go.

But I guess make up at 11 and her telling him 'everyone else does it' and him just allowing her to go to school and letting the teachers do the disciplining really annoyed me.

As I said. I have apologised and will stay in my lane.

I have always admired the way my dh and his ex, in spite of being extremely different people who often disagree, managed to have a pretty consistent approach to what was allowed or not through compromise
My parents did to, but it was SM who had a complete different view. It was hard for my dad to manage the situation.

One example: I was a bit chubby as a kid. Not obese, just chubby, which in the 70/80s was a big no no. My parents were cool about it. We talked a out healthy eating but never made a big deal of it. My SM though made it a very serious issue. She would make comments about my body, made me feel terribly guilty when I hate the whole pack of cookies, and kept on my dad to take it seriously. She might have thought I didn't hear what she told my dad, but of course I did. I grew to hate my body for many years.

Yet in my 20s, I slimmed down naturally and have remained slimmed all my life as an adult. In my mid 50s now and I'm still a size 8. Such a waste of energy which made everyone involved miserable at the time.

OP, make up is ridiculous at 11, but part of a problem clearly.

Step parenting is the most thankless job.

You have years of misery ahead of you during the teenage years with him being a stroppy toddler and a teen without boundaries.

Is this really what you want?
Is this really the future you want?

Is he really worth it?
Doesn't sound like it to me.

Rethink the relationship.

But I guess make up at 11 and her telling him 'everyone else does it' and him just allowing her to go to school and letting the teachers do the disciplining really annoyed me
It is hard to let go. I can now understand why my SM acted as she did...to an extent.

The best way to deal with it is to tell yourself that you might be right...but you might be wrong too...and your OH might got it right...who knows. But it's not your responsibility to decide. You are much much better in a supportive role, so that if things go wrong, your SD will feel comfortable coming to you and trusting you than making an enemy of her.

Year 6, primary school.

Yes this is what I try to be. Supportive. But I guess my tolerance was a bit low this morning after a weekend of him spoiling her rotten.

I think you're right he shouldn't be allowing it, but as I said, it's not a hill I'd die on. It's not affecting her safety or well being, or your household.

I wouldn't have apologised if told him I'd stay in my lane though!

You’re absolutely right. 11 year olds are children and not ready for makeup.

Her mother doesn’t allow it and he is going against her - in many cases divorced men let their kids break rules to be the favourite parent and let their other parent make the hard but necessary rules.

You are already doing all the hard work of parenting by the cooking, cleaning, and all the rest.

You’re all living together as a family and you will suffer the consequences of living with a teenager who can do whatever she wants when she gets older.

I would drop any practical parenting work like cooking, washing, lifts etc.

Tell him you now agree with him - He’s the parent and in future can do it all. You can still maintain a kind relationship with the daughter.

Treat yourself to something nice. You deserve it.

I do appreciate your time in commenting though.

I feel like such a shit stepmother now.

I had a terrible stepmother who was abusive to me for years so this is all very upsetting for me.

I don't want to be 'that' stepmother.

Seriously 🤦‍♀️ choose your battles, if she is disrespecting your home then you get a say in it, with little things like this you don’t

Step-parenting and being step-parented can both be incredibly difficult relationships even with the best of intentions. I have sympathy with op and also with those who experienced well intentioned stepmothers who got it wrong.

See, there's my problem.

I think make up to primary school is a big deal.

I have stepped down.

Stay out of it.

I think you need to consider the teenage years carefully. What will you do when he lets her do whatever she likes, even if you consider it to be dangerous?

I don't want to be 'that' stepmother
It's clear here that you won't be!

It's an emotive subject for me. I could have/had such a great relationship with my SM. She considers me her daughter now, has done so for some time, but I'll never be able to reciprocate this.

You have so much time ahead to do things differently. Let her parents get on with the shit work of parenting. It sounds like her mum's views align with yours anyway so you don't even have to be the bad cop.

Teenage years are challenging all around and many teenagers are hard to like, but most come out to be lovely adult children, even the more rule binding ones (within the law obviously).

This child already has parents with conflicting rules. It's good that @GreatPlumBiscuit has realised she doesn't need a third adult in the mix.

I think make up to primary school is a big deal
Can we ask why? What's the worse that can happen from it?

Ultimately, she's not the only one, so are all these young girls destined to a terrible life as a result?

The makeup is for her mum, dad and the school to deal with - let it go, it really doesn’t matter. At age 11 if the makeup is obvious the school will force her to remove it and she’ll get detentions if she continues.
Food and phone use - you didn’t elaborate, but again it’s a mum/dad issue really.

Teenagers can be very hard work but they usually come out the other end as nice individuals. What they need is support and firm but fair boundaries. Discuss what these boundaries could be with your DH, but unless her behaviour affects you and your family directly these are issues for her mum and dad. She spends 60% of her time with her mum so your DH and her mum need to decide these boundaries for her well being.
Pick your battles and restrict them to the things that affect you, your house and family. There is a very fractured relationship brewing if you are not careful.

I actually agree with her mother and the school. Year 6 primary school, age 11 is too young for make up. But I'm just a woman who helps her dad look after her when she's not with her mum so will get back in my box.

I'm shocked by these responses.

This is a child at primary school. She should absolutely not be wearing make up!! And the dad here is devolving parenting to the probably female teacher. It's crap parenting and the OP is totally right to care about a child wearing makeup to school.

YANBU but pick your battles for your own peace OP. He’s a slack, shit dad but presumably good in other areas. Hopefully you don’t have DC together?