AIBU to think my partner should stop his 11-year-old wearing make-up to school?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

Just had a bit of a ding dong with my partner of several years about his 11 year old daughter wearing make up to school this morning and need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

He's just come into our bedroom laughing saying she's wearing make up for school, so I said 'and did you tell her to take it off'? He said no, all her friends wearing it apparently and the teacher just shrugs her shoulders. I said, regardless of what his 11 year old says, he should tell her to take it off.

As a parent myself of a grown girl, there is no way she'd have been allowed to wear make up to school. He says he's going to let her get into trouble at school if it's an issue. I said he should be the one telling her, not school and that he's just avoiding a confrontation and hoping the teachers will do the parenting and it's not fair on them. It's his responsibility.

She's with us about 40% of the time and I'm struggling with him allowing her to get away with so many things, food, phone use etc.

Anyway, he's now in a strop saying I'm criticising his parenting (I am about the make up, I have told him I absolutely think he's wrong on this and feel really strongly about it, he says I'mover reacting and is really angry).

I don't think I can cope with this anymore, being a stepmum is really bloody hard. Why do I even care. I should just let it go. I've said if I'm a part of the kids lives I have to be able to tell him when I disagree with things. I just don't know if I can cope with another 5 or 6 years of teenage stuff and staying quiet about things I feel quite strongly about...

I think you're being really reasonable overall op. I think YABU about the issue (this isn't a hill Id die on personally) but you've explained why and how this is important to you. You've also said you understand that you might have been unreasonable and have apologised to DP. I have no idea why people are still giving you a hard time.

Could you have a conversation with him about him being a Disney dad? Long term, he's raising a spoilt dysfunctional adult. It isn't good for her, and she won't respect him for it. Having rules now will make proper puberty a lot easier.

I've very gently told him my concerns about what he let's her do now and the potential consequences when she's a teenager.

I've had a teenager girl, but hey, what do I know!!

Yes. The issue isnt the child or you but Dad. Doesn’t he understand that if you fail as a parent, you fail at life. Nothing else you achieve can ever make up for it.

Who btw was an emo/goth for a very long time, which I fully embraced, she just wasn't allowed make up at primary school!

You threw your toys out of the pram because he didn’t do what you said.

If I was him, I would not have allowed it but he chose to allow it.
His reasons are irrelevant, it doesn’t matter if he didn’t want the confrontation or if he doesn’t mind his DD wearing make up.

You should give your opinion and then accept his decision.

Im not talking about minor things - God knows we all make parenting mistakes - sometimes big ones. But failing to safeguard including phone safety and to preserve sleep etc isn’t that minor.

Did you miss the part where I said I apologised to him and said I'd stay in my lane?

I'm bowing out now.

Thanks for anyone who left constructive points of view, I've taken a lot on board.

The school might not be bothered, because I'm assuming your step-daughter is leaving in a few weeks, and it will no longer be their problem. My son is in Year 10, make-up is not allowed at all in Years 7-9 and a small amount in Year 10-13, at his school. Girls will have a detention if they are wearing make-up or too much.

This situation isn't about wearing make-up to school as such; it's about the OP's partner failing to put in boundaries and discipline his daughter. He wants to be his daughter's 'friend', or seen as 'Disney Dad', rather than parenting her. He's taking the easy option of just allowing his daughter to do as she pleases, because he can't be bothered to parent and dislikes confrontation. He's not doing his daughter any favours at all.

I can understand why the OP is annoyed. Her partner is going to make life harder for his daughter in the long run, because he's not parenting her. It's going to make his life and the OP's harder when his daughter is in her teens and he can't do a bean with her because he's failed to put in boundaries!

Ultimately OP, there's nothing you can do. It's his daughter. You might be able to see he's making mistakes, but he can't. You will need to let it go. At some point in the future when his daughter is getting dentions at secondary school, and he's being sent emails/receiving phone calls from her Tutor/HOH, the penny might drop.

Nonsense.

While I empathise, OP, and I agree with you - children should not be wearing makeup - this decision isn't yours.

You're not being unreasonable in expressing your opinion to your husband, but it is unreasonable to expect him to agree with you and enact your will.

He sounds like a lazy parent. This is going to be an issue for many years, can you manage that?

You say you have kids yourself.

So if ever you are confused about your place just think about your own mum giving you her opinion.

It’s fine for your mum to give you her opinion.
She has raised kids and has more experience than you and so often it’s welcome.

But ultimately it’s up to you and the final decision is always yours.
Your mum cannot get the hump because you don’t parent in the way that she thinks you should.

Being a step parent is one of the hardest things to do but when you choose to live with someone who has kids then you need to be prepared to stay out of the final parenting decisions.

You’re absolutely right. And in a very difficult situation. 11 year olds wearing makeup is ridiculous. All you can do is voice your opinion then let it go.
Her mother will need to deal with it.
Also it’s very sad how you’re getting attacked on here. I’m with you.

You have every right to be concerned OP, people are being a little too blunt on here IMO, but what you can realistically do about it is nothing, as her dad is not willing to back you up. It is thankless being a step parent, but it isn't the child that is the problem, it is the person you've chosen to be a step parent with.

The blow up this morning sounds like a long time of frustration about his parenting style rather than this one makeup issue, but unfortunately you can't change him. The one thing you do want to avoid is becoming the 'bad cop' to his 'good cop' as lax parents like him will absolutely let you be that person if you volunteer yourself.

I started getting greasy skin and a few spots and felt self conscious, the powder helped. I didn’t start wearing tinted moisturiser, black mascara etc until I was about 14 I think.

One of my DBs is in a relationship with a woman who lets her young son smoke weed (gives him money to buy it even).

My DB is very against smoking weed and they argue about it constantly.

I always say to him, it’s fine to give his opinion and tell her about his bad experiences of it when he was young etc it’s disgusting behaviour and she’s a bad parent but ultimately it’s her son and she gets to decide how to parent him.

My DB can either suck it up and stay out of it or leave the relationship.
There is literally no other option.
And I think this is such a big deal to him that he will end the relationship.

I wouldn’t end a relationship over an 11yo wearing make up but I would probably not want to continue a relationship where the parent lets their child have a phone talking to boyfriends at 11pm.

I guess you know where your limit is and how much it impacts on how you see him as a person.

I didn't say anything about anyone's boyfriend.

So what if you do the cooking. She can still eat or not eat whatever she likes if her dad is ok with it?! But yeah 'you do you'. 🥴

He sounds like an incredibly lazy parent, one of those who do anything to avoid setting rules for their child and having 'hard' conversations.

It would give me the ick to see him opt out and just indulge a child to her detriment.

OP, you are not getting it!
And you think I shouldn't be concerned when an 11 year old who spends 40% of the time with me/us, is on the phone to her boyfriend at 11pm at night?
You can be concerned all you want. You can share your views on it with her dad, but ultimately, your concerns don't trump his lack of.

I particularly don't understand your investment in this matter when you say her mum is strict. It's a co-parenting battle for her to have with him if she too is concerned with it. It is not YOUR battle.

Yes it's really hard to see it happen under your nose and to have to let it go when you certainly wouldn't with your kids, but she is NOT your kid and that's where all the difference is. You are not responsible for the young person she is to become.

You might be concerned that she will become a poorly adjusted adult, but ultimately, you can't assert for a fact that this will be the case unless both her parents adopt your parenting style.

You've got to let it go and hope the best whilst your influence can come into it by developing a good relationship with your SD and see if she will take on your views directly.

I've had a teenager girl, but hey, what do I know!!
You know what worked with your teenage girl. It doesn't make you an expert though.

I had a Disney dad and I didn't grow up to be a rude entitled person, on the opposite. I am much more caring and supportive and much less entitled than my half sister who was raised stricter than I.

You need to stop thinking that you know better than your OH how to raise his daughter.

Brought up in centre of Liverpool- nobody was copying Blondie at 11 or 12

At 14 we used to take the make out with us and put it on out of sight of our strict 70s parents.

Even with no makeup I was fending off kerb-crawlers from age 11

I think my parents were right and my school banned makeup and hair had to be up.

It would be lovely if kids could just be kids and subjected to all this pressure to look instagram ready.

Personally, I'm not in favour of young girls wearing makeup. TBH I think the social pressure on adult women to wear makeup is quite awful and the whole "beauty industry" is a massive con, but it's even worse when children are involved. Don't get me started on the skincare nonsense for girls as young as 7 or 8.

However, if you think that makeup is fine for your partner's child once she is in secondary school, it seems to be splitting hairs to say that it should be absolutely forbidden now but absolutely fine three months from now. Maybe your partner wants to pick his battles and loosen the reins somewhat in the last few weeks of primary school, rather than laying down the law about makeup now but allowing it in a few months.

And TBH I would be far more concerned about your partner's child using her phone (presumably a smartphone with internet access) without adult supervision and relatively late at night.

It’s not your worry.
Can empathise with your SD.
I wore a bit of foundation & eyeliner & mascara to school as well at the same age, through to leaving school.
This was a girl’s Grammar School.
As far as I know it hasn’t affected me or my family.
In ten years time no one will care about a bit of makeup.
A fuss over nothing.

This thread alone shows that even one generation or two ago, there were different views about wearing make up at school. Yet we can assume we all made it through okay and didn't ruin our lives as a result.

Hence in my view, this very much falls under the 'choose your battles' category, very much like the dad I assume.