AIBU to think my partner should stop his 11-year-old wearing make-up to school?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

Just had a bit of a ding dong with my partner of several years about his 11 year old daughter wearing make up to school this morning and need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

He's just come into our bedroom laughing saying she's wearing make up for school, so I said 'and did you tell her to take it off'? He said no, all her friends wearing it apparently and the teacher just shrugs her shoulders. I said, regardless of what his 11 year old says, he should tell her to take it off.

As a parent myself of a grown girl, there is no way she'd have been allowed to wear make up to school. He says he's going to let her get into trouble at school if it's an issue. I said he should be the one telling her, not school and that he's just avoiding a confrontation and hoping the teachers will do the parenting and it's not fair on them. It's his responsibility.

She's with us about 40% of the time and I'm struggling with him allowing her to get away with so many things, food, phone use etc.

Anyway, he's now in a strop saying I'm criticising his parenting (I am about the make up, I have told him I absolutely think he's wrong on this and feel really strongly about it, he says I'mover reacting and is really angry).

I don't think I can cope with this anymore, being a stepmum is really bloody hard. Why do I even care. I should just let it go. I've said if I'm a part of the kids lives I have to be able to tell him when I disagree with things. I just don't know if I can cope with another 5 or 6 years of teenage stuff and staying quiet about things I feel quite strongly about...

Kids experiment with makeup from the first time they find a makeup bag in reach. Because they cope the behaviour of adults in order to learn how to adult.

Actually, if her dad has noticed, it isn’t subtle!!

I agree. And I def judge parents who let their children go out with makeup so young. 14/15 they start around here. Def not 11!

But you're not her mum so just tell dp that other parents might judge him and tell their children not to play with his daughter because they don't want them to be influenced.

School should ban it absolutely, and if the teacher in the OP's post is just shrugging her shoulders then that's not great. I actually agree with the OP that her husband should be intervening here.

But kids have wanted to act more grown up than they really are since time immemorial. For lots of girls (though by no means all) starting to experiment with make up is a normal part of asserting a bit more independence and autonomy over their appearance. It's really not something I'd be concerned about, just guiding the child about when it's not appropriate and when it is.

Many girls now go through puberty at 12 or earlier. Experimentation with one’s appearance / self consciousness tends to go alongside puberty.

I think my cohort were lucky that 13 was more common back in the day, but I’m afraid nature or other factors have other ideas.

No, he's fine with his 11 year old acting exactly like a typical 11 year old. Yes of course not all 11 Yr olds qear makeup but plenty do... its not the end of the world

How do you get on with her mum? Maybe you could talk to her about it and she might discuss it with him.
I don't like 11 year olds wearing makeup to school either and had a rule with DD that she wasn't allowed until she was a teenager, but its not such a big issue. I'd be more concerned about him being a Disney dad in all areas and that's a discussion worth having or the teenage years will be very difficult for you all.

11 in primary or secondary school? Primary there was the odd girl wearing makeup when my DD was that age two years ago. But last year when she started secondary school aged 11 most girls were wearing it

Im wondering if PP’s strong anti makeup feelings are because it’s viewed as in some way ‘sexual’ and adult. Whereas in my experience it’s just another type of toy at that age - many young girls go from drawers of beautifully organised and much loved lined up pens, pencils and other stationery to lines of pretty lip salves, blush and so on. It’s pretty similar to them - just drawing on a different surface and just as innocent.

It's none of your business. Let him parent his child his way and life will go a lot smoother.

I don’t know where you have been but experimenting with makeup at 11/12 has been normal for at least 30 years!

Of course 11 year old experiment with make up, that's not the issue I have.

It's my partner allowing his 11 year old to wear it to school and to say he's going to let the teacher deal with it if it's a problem.

I'm not going to say anything to her. I think he should be telling her to take it off.

I will leave it and get back in my stepmother box!

I agree with you OP that I think girls, especially as young as 11, shouldn't be wearing make up for school. It's extremely sad that at such a young age girls are already being conditioned into feeling not being good enough just to be themselves. But I'm afraid it's his dd so not your place to tell him how to parent.

I think though that his attitude to parenting, and to girls and women, should give you pause for thought as to whether you and he are actually compatible. Make up won't be the only issue of parenting you don't see eye to eye on and I would certainly wonder about a man who is happy to see an 11 year old sexualise herself .

I think you’re right about the bigger issue of this being the tip of the iceberg as she enters teenager-hood. You have a lot of potential conflict ahead of you if you don’t sort out a line on parenting issues together.

if he is expecting you to share parenting in terms of cooking, laundry, lifts etc but refuses to consider listening to you on discipline issues at all, you really are onto a loser here.

Do you have children of your own and how do they feel about two tiered rules? It will cause issues.

If he won’t negotiate this as a wider issue with you, it may be worth bailing out before the years get even harder for you all. He clearly isn’t working with his daughter’s mum to coparent effectively. A huge red flag.

But many - perhaps most - of us don’t see makeup as ‘sexualising’ ourselves.

But if she’s allowed to wear it to school by both her parents and the teachers then what’s the issue?

Two separate issues.

re the make up, Yabu, she’s 11, and can make her own choices

yanbu about not wanting to live with an unrelated teenager. I’m not sure many people would. For me, there is no man that is worth that, I’d rather be single or date and live apart

I think the point about leaving school to deal with it is valid. If rule is no make up that’s the rule. That’s the attitude which is poor

She's not allowed by her mother.

You have your views on parenting, he has his. Why should yours prevail when ultimately, she's his daughter and not yours.

You are absolutely in your right to let him know your opinion, but you were forcing him to adopt your discipline method and then criticised him and made him feel shit for not going for what you told him to do. That's controlling behaviour.

Ultimately, I don't think his approach is that bad. Let her get in trouble with school so she understands the consequences of her actions....and let's face it, there's a lot worse a kid can do. Quite common behaviour of teenage girls all across the generations.

You really need to consider your approach to this because it is going to seriously harm your relationship with your OH and this will impact on your SD negatively much more than her wearing make up to school.

I don't know where you get that idea from. The majority of posts I've seen are usually telling the OP that they're not the nanny and their 'DPs' are responsible for their own children. They are usually warning about divorced men who are on the lookout for a substitute mother to pick up the 'woman' work.

If you have a relationship with a person with children, that will come with compromises and frustrations, however and 'blended families' are often a shitshow. I wouldn't do it!

Presumably you are not an 11 year old child who is wearing make up for different reasons for an actual adult.

So he really isn’t working with her mum is he. Does that feel a bit red flaggish to you, OP?

Well at the end of the day that’s the problem with co parenting, not the makeup. Both parents are able to set what they feel are age appropriate rules in their home, the mother gets to make the rules on her time.

As a retired teacher, I think you are completely right. I used to get fed up with parents taking the easy, "aren't I a lovely parent who's your friend" route instead of helping teachers by enforcing school rules. However, you probably won't win so rethink your relationship. As you say, with teenage years it's likely to get much worse.