AIBU to think my partner should stop his 11-year-old wearing make-up to school?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

Just had a bit of a ding dong with my partner of several years about his 11 year old daughter wearing make up to school this morning and need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

He's just come into our bedroom laughing saying she's wearing make up for school, so I said 'and did you tell her to take it off'? He said no, all her friends wearing it apparently and the teacher just shrugs her shoulders. I said, regardless of what his 11 year old says, he should tell her to take it off.

As a parent myself of a grown girl, there is no way she'd have been allowed to wear make up to school. He says he's going to let her get into trouble at school if it's an issue. I said he should be the one telling her, not school and that he's just avoiding a confrontation and hoping the teachers will do the parenting and it's not fair on them. It's his responsibility.

She's with us about 40% of the time and I'm struggling with him allowing her to get away with so many things, food, phone use etc.

Anyway, he's now in a strop saying I'm criticising his parenting (I am about the make up, I have told him I absolutely think he's wrong on this and feel really strongly about it, he says I'mover reacting and is really angry).

I don't think I can cope with this anymore, being a stepmum is really bloody hard. Why do I even care. I should just let it go. I've said if I'm a part of the kids lives I have to be able to tell him when I disagree with things. I just don't know if I can cope with another 5 or 6 years of teenage stuff and staying quiet about things I feel quite strongly about...

I agree, step mothers on MN regularly get an unreasonably hard time.

The parents here are not “disagreeing” on a totally normal boundary for a pre teen - the mother and step mother both agree on make up for school. The father isn’t presenting a different option he is simply shrugging his shoulders and passing responsibility onto someone else. That is crap parenting. Ditto an eleven year old on the phone until 11pm on school nights - not a difference of opinion just an absence of the father taking responsibility for parenting.

Which is why you choise your battles. If it involves safety/wellbeing/the household have your say. Even put your foot down if it impacts other members if the family, your home etc .

but make up at 11 just isn't a hill to die on. I don't agree with it & wouldn't allow it if she was mine, but she's not hurting anyone or being hurt.

Absolutely this!!
Whether it’s toilet training, or tantrums everything gets sorted in the end!!

OP didn't say she was at primary school - unless there has been a subsequent drip feed.
When my DDs were in year 7 many of their friends wore full face make up. I didn't particularly like it but I wouldn't have been massively worried if my DDs had chosen to do the same.

Not your child, not your business.

You need to pick your battles and this isn’t one of them.

I agree with your partner. It’s up to the school if it’s a punishment or not.

I have a DD who’s 13 and she (in my opinion) wears too much make up to school.

However, she gets incredible reports from all of her teachers and is a great student and she seems to know what’s too much make up for school and what isn’t and as yet nothings ever been said to us about her make up. (And we’re at her school a lot for events etc)

So while I’m sure you’d maybe see me and my daughter in a supermarket after school and think “ugh. That’s too much make up” - it’s not affecting her studies, friendships, reputation. So I’ve decided that I just need to keep up my normal “if you get in trouble for it then I’m agreeing with school” mantra and let her crack on.

To be fair - I wish I had her make up skills! 🤣

FWIW I hate to school aged girls in make-up. I was at a make-up counter once where a woman came in to get her daughter to try some new foundations and she could only have been 14. But still not your daughter.

If the school has a rule against make up for 11-year olds then the parents have a responsibility to support that and not just hand over the problem to the school to deal with. Just as parents have the responsibility to support the school rules on attendance, time keeping, homework etc.

Your daughter’s school presumably doesn’t have a rule against the amount of makeup your daughter wears but surely having signed up to a parent/school agreement you check this yourself if there is a query at home?

It's not that you need to "stay in your lane", you can have your opinion. It's that you're not objectively right, and also said in your OP that the teacher doesn't care.

I think make up to primary school is a big deal.

Can I ask why? This is basically a non-issue to me, so interested in why it upsets you so much. You’re clearly a great stepmum, so this isn’t me having a go. I’d just like to understand your perspective.

This isn't for you to say anything about wether you feel strongly about it or not.
I don't think dad is lax in parenting just a different style .
Its makeup big deal.
Be worried if she is smoking or drinking or doing drugs..not makeup let it go for God's sake.