Bf blocked me on my birthday today

[heidi696]

It’s a long story but basically it’s a long distance relationship and it’s been unclear if he was free to meet today as it’s my birthday. Last Tuesday I said oh it doesn’t look like we are meeting on Sunday but he got a bit angry and said something like don’t assume you don’t know yet. So even though I kinda knew we wouldn’t as I know he is busy I had a secret hope that he had a plan. I didn’t ask again and he didn’t say anything. So this morning when I got his text saying sorry I can’t be with you today and a digital card I was really really disappointed. I stupidly had nothing else planned. I admit I didn’t handle it well and lashed out a load of texts and we ended up having an argument and then he blocked me. I was so shocked and upset:I’ve been crying all day. I can’t believe he would do that. It’s 1030
now so I guess that’s it for the day. Honestly I don’t know if it’s forever or just to silence me for a while:
im just so sad. I can’t stop crying and torturing myself: if only I had said nothing etc i more he was busy so why did i add to his stress: I really hate myself

I don't know why you would continue in a relationship with a man where you seem to scared to ask him a straight question "shall I make my own plans for my birthday or do I need to keep it free?"

Because there is desperate and there is scraping the bottom of a very deep barrel like many other women there is zero self respect there but only the op can fix that

This is a genuine warning op.

This describes my ex perfectly. After messing with my head like this for 5½ years - five and a half bloody YEARS! Half of my forties - destroying my self esteem and mental health, he dumped me anyway. He'd been having a parallel relationship for half that time. The gaslighting, half truths, texts to reel me back in, changing of plans, half formed plans that were abruptly unmade, me doubting myself and thinking I could put it right if only I wasn't so demanding, the being the last on a list of other priorities....it all sounds very similar. And he dumped me anyway because I wasn't strong enough to. He was also in his fifties.

For pity's sake don't be me. Put yourself first. This is not a nice man and he will trash your mental health.

I'd suggest that the posters saying stuff like "where's your self respect" and "raise your standards" have never been at the receiving end of emotional abuse from a covert narcissist.

OP

OP

Are you both the same age? Or is there an age gap? Are you hoping for a LTR with this guy?

Your bf is either one of two things

A) An a/hole with anger issues

B) A possible narcissist or at the least a psychological game player.

Either way he’s not right for you! Find yourself a nice guy! There are plenty on the shelf who are waiting because bad boys are willing to lie and nice guys aren’t!

You are not too demanding or too annoying. You are better than this man will ever know. I am sorry you had a rubbish birthday. I would plan a lovely day for myself (by myself or with friends you really love) and have a happy unbirthday. He is not the man for you, I think.

If someone lashed out at me over texts I would 100% block them too.

You’re coming across as very needy OP.
You’ve been together a few months.

I would have texted him on Tuesday and said, will you be free on Sunday.
If he wasn’t sure then I would have said that you need to make plans and so you’ll make your own plans and see him on a different day.

I don’t understand why you just sat there waiting on him to see you on your birthday when he never said he would.
Then you get angry with him because you didn’t do anything for it.

The big issue here is the compatibility.

He has his own life. He has a son that he’s close to and doesn’t have a lot of free time.
You are there to slot into his life, he doesn’t see you as more of a priority than his children.

Whilst you seem to have a lot less going on in your life and perhaps don’t have DC or they’ve moved away etc and you have much more free time.
You make him a priority and want to see him before anyone else.

Neither of you are wrong but I just think there is a mismatch with compatibility.

And in all honesty I think you’re very jealous of the son and their close relationship.
I think you want to be the priority but that is never going to happen and I think you need to decide whether you can cope with that long term.

Why the fuck is your bar so low op? He treats you like shit and acts like a child, but you think this is your fault? Bizarre.

Wow hes done quite the numver hasnt he? How much of your needs are you willing to squash down for this mans convenience?

You asked to see him on your bday and he DIDNT HAVE THE CURTISY OF A STRAIGHT ANSWER. He didnt send you gorgeous gifts in the post. He said "nah, sorry love - heres a GIF"

He could have said weeks ago, sorry X reason. Ill be there Y. Wait til the postman arrives.

But he didnt he cba on your birthday and when you were understandably upset he blocked you, knowing but not caring it would hurt. And hes so practised with balancing hope and heartache to keep you where he wants as his sexy pen pal you think YOURE THE PROBLEM?!?

Ok your responses may have been nasty and its not cool, youre responsible for your behaviour regardless of your feelings. And if hed been called away last min that may be true but he planned NOTHING.

YABU but only for blaming yourself

I mean that could just be hes somewhere with no signal and it hasnt delivered yet

OP He's a horrible selfish twat who sounds exactly like my last loser ex who is a covert narc.

Get rid, please!

1. Hes lying. He isnt there all that time. Maybe some but not all
2. If he knew that he would be busy he could have - sent you to a spa, booked lunch for your mum and you to attend, sent a thoughtful gift, booked you and him dinner somewhere after the wedding as a gift
3. If he knew that he would be busy he SHOULD have TOLD YOU.

This wont change. He wont

So choose your own happiness and dump him.

Is he seeing someone else? Is it really his sons wedding he is planning....
Has he blocked you for a reason, so no messages or text would come through when he was with the other woman? Has he then unblocked you when the coast was clear and she wasn't there?
He sounds like he used you asking for birthday plans as a reason to block you and had a perfect excuse for his shady behaviour.

Oh come on, there's no way he's been working 10-12 hour days in someone else's garden for the past 4 weeks.

He sounds the bully, that's probably where his son learnt it from.

There is an issue here if you both can’t communicate with each other clearly and kindly. It is not an unreasonable question to ask if your partner will be able to be with you on your birthday. It’s also not unreasonable to expect someone who is supposed to love you to answer that question clearly. Eg I’m sorry I’m working but let me treat you the next weekend or something. There really doesn’t have to be drama on either end. Blocking someone is not something I expect adults to do. It’s the kind of things kids do when they are 12. My DH travels for work sometimes. We’ve been married 17 years. He’ll send me texts to say he’s thinking of me when he can, usually leaves me a note or chocolate somewhere before he goes and when he’s back makes a lovely family meal/organises something for us to spend time together.
You do not have to bend to his will and accept what few crumbs he offers. The more you do, the less he will offer. You deserve to be treated kindly and respectfully. I’d say that’s a minimum requirement from a partner, and to be honest from any human being you have in your life. If it’s not there, you move on. I’d suggest you speak to people in real life and try to find a way forward without this man in it. Good luck x

Why was it making him choose? Frankly he could surely have arranged things so he could spent time with you either on your birthday or on Saturday, but if he really couldn't, all he had to do was say something like "Really sorry, son needs me to help with X, Y and Z on Sunday, could I take you out on Monday evening instead?"

The fact that he has instead chosen to go into aggressive mode would make me rethink the entire relationship.

That's even more ridiculous. If he's been working like that every day for so long, he son could perfectly well do without him for a few hours and he probably needs a break.

It sounds ridiculous anyway to plan a wedding in the fiancé's parents' garden if it requires this much work. They should have got professionals in.

You haven’t seen him for four weeks?!

I’m sorry to tell you, but you aren’t in a relationship with this man. You’re just a shag buddy.

Agree. Start with not making excuses for him.

Breadcrumbs OP. Not even that. He is offering you poocrumbs.

You need to wake up and start respecting yourself, because he clearly doesn't.

Any decent guy would have said in advance 'look I'm so sorry, I'm busy with wedding preparations but I promise I'll make it up to you' and would have arranged something special a few days before or after.

You've normalised him treating you like a doormat. He isn't going to have a sudden epiphany that he's been treating you poorly and needs to change, and the road is only open for his behaviour towards you to get worse.

Know your worth, leave him, block him. Better guys do exist.

Why are you scared of losing someone who doesn't care about you?

If he really knew that he wouldn't see you on your birthday but was acting as if he might & you know this-why would you stay?

Honestly bin him off. This isn’t going anywhere.

A normal exchange between adults would be something like:

”Hi babe, trying to make a plan for my birthday- are you around on X date?”

”Oh no, so sorry I’ve already agreed to do X B with my son. But I could do A, B, C dates instead? Or you suggest another date.”

”No problem, let’s go for B. I’ll do something with the girls/ kids/ mum and dad on my birthday as well.”

No one gets angry, blocked or spends the day crying. If you’re not even able to mange this, entry level, communication between you and you have a dodgy relationship with his son, honestly give up.

And him “getting angry” all the time is not normal- how old are you both? It should be possible to sort this out without all of this anger and blocking. I think you’re just horribly ill-suited.