To feel like the bond I had with my children has gone?

[ifeelasido]

That’s an awful title but it probably best summarises how I’m feeling at the moment.

Everything they do annoys me and a lot of it makes me really angry. I don’t even know why, repeated disobedience, the silliness, the long monologues my five year old subjects me to regularly. I just want to say - shut up, you are boring the hell out of me and I don’t care.

I feel numb. I’m sure they are trying to connect with me but I just feel detached and as if they are nothing to do with me. Then someone does something that kind of spurs me into action and I lose it.

I wish to god there was a way to reverse decisions like this, of course there isn’t. You’re stuck with it and everyone judges you for saying it out loud. But I just don’t feel as if I love or even like them very much.

Parenting young children is hard and often very boring!!
You sound like you are overwhelmed and need a break. Do you have a partner to share the load with?

That's very rough OP. Sounds like you're not in a great place mentally. Do you have a partner? Have you shared any of these feelings with a trusted friend or GP? I'd imagine you'd be surprised by how many mothers feel completely suffocated and there's absolutely help out there x

@ifeelasidoHow old are your children and how old are you?

Partner is just as depressed as me, has retreated physically and emotionally.

Is there (help out there I mean)? I hope so but I just feel detached and like I’m in a fog. I imagine this is what full on depression feels like.

It sounds like you need emotional support.

Parenting is hard work in itself, it's tiring and leaves limited time for self-care and self-expression.

Parenting also brings up any historic issues in your own childhood, if your own parents were unhappy it can resurface.

I feel numb. I’m sure they are trying to connect with me but I just feel detached and as if they are nothing to do with me. Then someone does something that kind of spurs me into action and I lose it.

You could start with a GP, a therapist or with radical self-care, but what you describe is not inevitable and not unchangeable.

The question is why you feel this way - it isn't due to your children, there's something going on for you.

Yes there is help for depression - you can start at the GP, or with a therapist (check credentials!) or with radical self-care. You may not find your answer quickly but yes there is help.

The important thing is recognising you need the help - which you've done in this thread.

Yes, please speak to your GP. Particularly in light up your update that both parents are in a bad way.

What changed and when did it change?

I would start with a visit to the GP , antidepressants could help you stabilise enough to get out of the fog. If possible, I’d look into therapy too to figure out if there’s deeper things causing this. How’s everything else? Work, relationships, family etc.? Is everything ok, or are you spinning a dozen plates that are on fire?

Unfortunately I’ve no way of getting to a therapist. Thank you though.

I just wish the help was that you could say - I can’t cope with these children, please someone take them for me. But of course you can’t.

Definitely go to your GP! I had a similar birn out last year and told my GP how much I hated my life and parenting and having to fight constantly against my ND child.

Im quite an easy going person so these feelings of intense dislike to my child really worried me. She asked me to take an antidepressant which initially I was against, because I didnt think it would work, but I did and a month later I felt like a different person. The hatred went, it was still the same life and it was still hard but I coped with it much more easily.

Give the gp a try. And be kind to yourself. You are in the thick of it, and it sounds like your partner is too!

@concertinacornflake it is definitely due to my children! I’m not trying to ‘blame’ them but their behaviour is awful and has hugely impacted my life, relationships, happiness and health. It is definitely related to the children.

What antidepressant was it, if you don’t mind me asking?

If you contact the early help hub you will get support,Google it in your area.and if you Google talking therapy in your area you can self refer to that and it's free.and definitely recommend going to the GP and start on antidepressents it is really helpful.and I would write a list of things that may help and work through it.its really tough when your low like that and it will take time but can improve.early help hub can be good.even just talking it out with a friend or on here is often helpful so your doing the right thing looking for support.

Why can’t you access therapy? Most areas have IAPT services that offer phone or video appointments if you can’t get out?

How old are they and what kind of behaviour is it explicitly? I've had phases if feeling myself mentally retreat when my 3 year old is in a very tricky phase, he always comes through it and it's lovely again but I find it so hard feeling myself overwhelmed but also knowing my feelings must show as my sons behavior escalates. Everything they do goes up a notch the further they feel parents are I think.

I'm off with my son til nursery and not near family so this is probably compounded by never having a break away, my husband is amazing and 50/50 but it means when I'm not actively parenting he is so we don't have time together as we used to. I'd it similar for you? Do you have any family support who could watch them more so you and your husband can go out, soend a might or two away and find yourselves in the crazy maelstrom of parenting?

It's relentless and all too easy to lose the things that made us who we are.

You sound as though you’re both having a really hard time. Does your local authority run parenting classes? If you look on your council website, you may find there are free courses available that are aimed at helping you start to enjoy your children - the more they get the feeling that you like them and like spending time with them, the less giddy and silly they are likely to be.
I really feel for you, this can feel like a relentless time and the temptation to snap is very understandable.

Yes but I have no time on my own in which to have a phone call or a video call. Anyway, don’t make it a ‘do this / I can’t because’ thing. I can’t access therapy at the moment. I’m not sure how much help it would be either to be honest. But even if it would help it isn’t something I can currently do.

I think you are stuck in a rut.
Go and see your GP. If you are depressed then by getting the right medication that can help your mood.
Once that is sorted you can work on the kids behaviour. It sounds like their behaviour is bad because you and your partner don't feel capable of doing anything about it. If you both get help balancing any biological causes for the low mood that will be a starting point for getting back on track.
Have you spoken to the 5 year olds school for help? I work in a primary and there is a wider team available to support parents as well as children, don't be ashamed to ask for help. We have a family support worker who helps with all kinds of things and connects people to other organisations locally who can help.

Well done for sharing this.
it sounds like a vicious circle / catch 22 situation in that the more depressed and detached you feel the more their behaviour escalates because they sense something is wrong and are upset and confused.
I fully agree with others advising you to speak to your GP and get some support.

As advice from one mum to another (not replacing professional help) I would suggest try and ACT as if you are enjoying being a parent. Feign interest and make life fun. Smile. Plan some surprises for you all. Say how much you love them. Once they are in bed you can relax this bit I’ve found that acting the part can actually have a positive impact on everyone and then at some stage you start to feel genuinely a bit happier.

Do you work?
How old is your other child/children?
What is your day like when the 5 year old you have mentioned is at school?

@Hellinnnnn when I google parenting classes a lot of paid sponsorships come up. So I’m not really sure what’s genuine and what isn’t. Also I do kind of feel like (rightly or wrongly) it will just be what chat gpt or how to talk suggests which never works for me. So that also puts me off engaging.

Yes part time
My children are five and two
Hit and miss. Easier with just one but still highly volatile and things can kick off in an instant. Long; currently experiencing very early wake ups. Lots of guilt, lots of stress, lots of anxiety.

Why ? Some NHS GPs have counsellors in the practice building. Some NHS therapists offer phone and video consultations alongside face-to-face.
I would certainly still request referral from your GP and get on the waiting list for sure.

I am on 20mg of fluoxetine. Have been since a year past jan.