To feel like the bond I had with my children has gone?

[ifeelasido]

That’s an awful title but it probably best summarises how I’m feeling at the moment.

Everything they do annoys me and a lot of it makes me really angry. I don’t even know why, repeated disobedience, the silliness, the long monologues my five year old subjects me to regularly. I just want to say - shut up, you are boring the hell out of me and I don’t care.

I feel numb. I’m sure they are trying to connect with me but I just feel detached and as if they are nothing to do with me. Then someone does something that kind of spurs me into action and I lose it.

I wish to god there was a way to reverse decisions like this, of course there isn’t. You’re stuck with it and everyone judges you for saying it out loud. But I just don’t feel as if I love or even like them very much.

I don’t think I did. But it’s a long thread and I’m getting muddled with who said what. I did dismiss (politely I think?) the insistence that I’m autistic and so are my children. If I am and they are we still all have to muddle through, as realistically getting a diagnosis isn’t going to happen and I don’t even think that we are!

What I took issue with were posts endlessly pitying my children and comparing me to parents who are abusive in words if not actions, for sure I have said things I don’t mean (and then apologised) but I am a loving parent, maybe not always as engaged as I could be at 6 in the morning though.

Your follow up posts pay no resemblance to your first post OP. Your latest reply to me proves you are indeed a good caring mother. You don't owe anyone a reply although if there are posts you don't agree with at least they help to bring out the true state of your circumstances. I've just read there is a poster who has children & admits she doesn't have a maternal bone in her body & has been brave enough to be honest. I don't believe this is your situation OP.

I hope you will eventually look back on your post & realise you have created wonderful little human beings & despite the challenging stages of their development you wouldn't be without them, or wish you had chosen to be childless & not have them to love & be loved in return.

OP I'm sorry things are so hard. You've been very honest and I think many of us - myself included - have stood in your shoes, but few of us want to admit to such apparently unmotherly feelings.
You're actually doing really well in the sense that your DC are thriving at school and, as you say, you cope fine and even enjoy them one-on-one. The issue is when the two DC are together.

I think you need practical support from outside. Either a friend, a trusted family member or paid help to come and support you even if just for a few hours a week. Having another person there will change the dynamic completely and you may even get a chance to go for a walk or do something for you, alone. It'll be another person to divert attention when things kick off.
In an ideal world your partner would fulfil this role but he is emotionally unavailable at the moment. I hope he checks back in at some point but that's a different conversation for another day.

Above all, be kind to yourself. You work, you look after the home, you feed, clothe, play with and read to your DC, you get them to school/nursery. All this while feeling overwhelmed by their behaviour, and being physically not at your best.

So a huge well done.

It WILL get better, but you might need help to see you through this challenging phase.

💐

I didn’t insist your children were autistic at any point. I simply asked you to consider the possibility that they might be.

I found this book useful too, and went to a parenting group based around it.
I really remember the advice about simplifying requests, fewer words. Did work with child later diagnosed as autistic