To feel like the bond I had with my children has gone?

[ifeelasido]

That’s an awful title but it probably best summarises how I’m feeling at the moment.

Everything they do annoys me and a lot of it makes me really angry. I don’t even know why, repeated disobedience, the silliness, the long monologues my five year old subjects me to regularly. I just want to say - shut up, you are boring the hell out of me and I don’t care.

I feel numb. I’m sure they are trying to connect with me but I just feel detached and as if they are nothing to do with me. Then someone does something that kind of spurs me into action and I lose it.

I wish to god there was a way to reverse decisions like this, of course there isn’t. You’re stuck with it and everyone judges you for saying it out loud. But I just don’t feel as if I love or even like them very much.

https://www.triplep.uk.net/uken/what-we-do/triple-p-online/

I also did this course, it was free and I had a counsellor. It didnt help me much as my child is a lot older but it is geared towards kids of your ages. Send them an email as well, I always wished I had known about them when my child was younger as I think it would have had a good effect on my parenting.

Early help hub will offer you good parenting courses.and definitely recommend going to the GP for fluoxitine it really helps your mood.another good thing for mood is put on music at home.

Thanks; I don’t think the parenting advice will be anything I haven’t already read and doesn’t work.

Thanks @ym56

Many therapists offer their services online via zoom.

An observation, based on your first few posts. If you and your husband are both feeling burned out and are withdrawing emotionally from your children it must feel bewildering and frightening for them. When they act out they get engagement and emotion, even if it is negative and angry emotion. If both of you can find a way to reconnect with them in a more positive way you might find the poor behaviour subsides. I feel so sad for your children reading this thread. 😢

Could you get a referral ( through GP) to Social services? They could assess your needs as a family and action that by putting a care package together, which might include respite for you and your husband. In theory they should help you with early intervention before you get to the stage where you and your husband really can't cope with the children. Unfortunately this may take a while depending on where you live. You sound desperate and need help, you have taken the first step by posting on here, it might not seem like it but that is first step towards getting the help you need.Also as other posters have said GP can discuss anti depression medication which made a huge difference for me. I hope things start to get better for you soon.

Getting outside help sounds key here. But also have you read any child development books? They can be really helpful for knowing which ages the kids are more likely to test boundaries and how to navigate that.

There’s a similar age gap in my children. When mine were 6 and 2 it was fucking relentless. I totally relate to the feelings of “shut up with your boring monologues…” At the time I thought it was work stress and I have a long history of anxiety/worry/panic. Anyway, I went to see my GP who suggested I try SSRIs and it worked! It can take a while to find the right thing, dosage etc. but seek help - it’s there.

I’ve read loads. Most seem to give advice that sounds sensible and logical but kids are neither.

This morning my DD has been screaming and tantrumming about wanting to go out on her bike. No matter how many times you say ‘first clothes then bike’ she just screams NO and then carries on wailing about her bike.

In the midst of this I’ve got DS’s monologues which are also driving me to despair.

Life is just chaos and conflict and misery. My home is filled with shrieking and shouting and screaming. I hate it.

Thanks @PoliteSquid . I’m going to try to make an appointment tomorrow I think. It’s hard accepting life is just shit and will be for some time.

I've felt similar. Some questions

Do you have any family (or good friend) support?
Are you accessing your maximum nursery hours?
When is younger DC 3?
What are your finances like?
How old are you / could you be perimenopausal?
Is there any way you can think of to get more sleep (when if it means going to bed same time as DC)?
Do you have someone not DH you can vent honestly to?

Ok some practical tips you can possibly do f from today...

Buy yourself some ear plugs, ideally they ones that filter out the noise rather then totally block it. There's are a few different types. Wear them. It helps to cope with the noise.

At weekends put DD in pj's that could maybe be day clothes

You can't force a 2yo not to tantrum. You can't force a 5yo not to chat enthusiastically about his latest interest. I wonder if the reasons the monologues get to you is because you're trying to deal with other stuff while he's talking?

Can you identify some things you CAN do to make your life easier? Eg

Eat ready meals
Eat off disposable plates so no washing up
Use a laundry service
"Let go" of having a clean house for a few months
Don't force DD to get dressed
Lower your standards and pick your battles eg if they want to eat ham on cornflakes for breakfast with their hands. Let them.
Put them in a club which gives you a break

You and your partner are allowing your children to be psychologically damaged. Is there someone who can care for them? A grandmother?

FWIW I think you resent your partner for 'checking out' and leaving the burden of care solely to you, so you're doing the same. The end result is that no-one is caring for them which is unacceptable.

You're in the trenches, I'm there too with the same age kids. It's so tough. Yesterday they squabbled all day and I had to break up fights and screaming and then the youngest bit the eldest (?!) and it was all so highly strung and histrionic. We've had multiple nighttime accidents this week, get woken up by them at 6am then the eldest fights bedtime and doesn't go down till 9pm.

I'm exhausted and my nerves are shot. The only way we're surviving is to alternate nights on and off so one of us can always get a full night's sleep in the spare room. I'm not sure you can change behaviours too much at this stage, we're just trying to survive it! You sound completely burnt out and exhausted, is there any way you can get your partner or a grandparent to look after them for a day and just take the day off for yourself to rest and recover?

Is your mum around for you to talk to? Or a good friend in real life?

A lot of this is familiar- 2 year old have tantrums, 5 year old wibble on endlessly about God knows what. But the way you are both coping with it isn't ideal - normally there are also lots of good moments that get you through the bad. It might be you are just exhausted but it sounds like you do need some help.

I have a couple of good friends but neither totally understand. One has a useless partner but only one child (same age as my eldest) so she does have some downtime during the week. The other has two children so relates to me a lot on the chaos but her husband is very hands on. She’s a lot more easygoing than me too I suppose in relation to things like mess and sleep; I just couldn’t live as she does and I don’t mean that critically, she’s lovely, but I just couldn’t.

My mum is dead.

@MariaDingbat that does make me feel better, as I’m just feeling like the worst parent in the world as they are so awful together.

With the monologues, at 5 I'd be telling them to wait a moment while I do xyz and then I will come and listen properly. Then if they keep on talking stop listening completely and get on with xyz. Even if the talking doesn't stop it's better than you trying to do two things at once and getting frustrated.

The best and most accessible book I ever read for this age group is how to talk so little kids will listen. You may have read it already, if you have I'd go back to it. It's different to other parenting books, less dense, more practical and focused on a range of different scenarios.

How often are you on your phone?… i find too much screen time for myself detaches me from every day mundane stuff… which used to include the kids when they were that age. It was an escapism. But a bad one

I have DCs the same age and it is tough. My eldest has been referred for ASD and ADHD assessment and home life is very difficult. The things that help us are getting out of the house as much as possible at the weekends, parks, days out, picnics with friends and their children, even just a drive somewhere to break up the day. We never spend a whole day in the house. We take it in turns to have a lie in each at the weekend. If one of us goes to the shops or to run an errand they take one child with, leaving one in one time with the other. 5 year old is in school and 2 year old is in nursery whilst I work, which although stressful in itself is a break from DCs.

So you’re happy in your job and fulfilled?
happy in your marriage?
good health and fitness?
a good group of friends?

That is possibly an element. Very likely if I am honest.

I used to be out all the time but finding it increasingly difficult, not to mention expensive.

I have how to talk but did not find it helpful at all I am afraid.

Yes, this. Fixing yourself and your mindset may be key to changing your children’s behaviour.

Getting a word in edgeways to do that is nigh on impossible. You have to snap / shout as otherwise just keeps going. It’s OK on his own; manageable. Not with the other.