To feel like the bond I had with my children has gone?

[ifeelasido]

That’s an awful title but it probably best summarises how I’m feeling at the moment.

Everything they do annoys me and a lot of it makes me really angry. I don’t even know why, repeated disobedience, the silliness, the long monologues my five year old subjects me to regularly. I just want to say - shut up, you are boring the hell out of me and I don’t care.

I feel numb. I’m sure they are trying to connect with me but I just feel detached and as if they are nothing to do with me. Then someone does something that kind of spurs me into action and I lose it.

I wish to god there was a way to reverse decisions like this, of course there isn’t. You’re stuck with it and everyone judges you for saying it out loud. But I just don’t feel as if I love or even like them very much.

Yep, we have found that taking DS to the park and playing with him 1:1 really really helps his behaviour - becomes a lot keener to please, and the silliness/annoying behaviour stops as he feels more noticed. Works especially when he has been messing about/bouncing off the walls all day.

I think you and your partner need to have a good talk about it. It sounds like you're both overwhelmed. But he doesn't get to just check out from everything. You need to make a plan, together, to improve things.

Here's what i think is most important:

See GP. Find out about anti depressants and ALSO get signed off from work for a couple of weeks and give yourself some time for them to kick in and to give yourself a break.

You aren't ready for therapy right now, which is fine. But keep an open mind. If the ADs work you might find yourself in a position where it feels a bit more manageable. NHS talking therapy can be useful, even if it's just having someone totally unrelated that you can let everything out to without judgement.

Find some time for yourself. When I say make a plan with your partner you both need to figure out how you can each get some time where you don't have to do anything or think about anyone else. This might mean you get a Saturday morning to do what you want while he is in charge of the kids. And maybe he gets an evening to go out and do his own thing? Whatever works for you.

Lower your standards for a bit. If DD wants to go out on her bike maybe try saying "ok we can do that. What are you going to wear?" If she wants to stay in pyjamas then whatever! She's a kid and it doesn't matter. I know it can feel hard, but sometimes you have to pick your battles and things might improve if every day isn't full of conflict that could be avoided. You can work on the kids behaviour a bit more once you feel better

Divide and conquer. Maybe try and get out of the house one day a week where each parent takes a child and you just go on a walk or something. Don't have high expectations. Just go, follow the kids interests, get out and about a bit.

I really hope that things start to look up for you soon because I've been where you are and I know how unbearably helpless it feels.

We had major problems when one of mine was approx 5-6, and a new baby arrived. I suspect that the awful behaviour is essentially attention seeking - and we found a really quick way to reset the ‘default’ was in doing 1-to-1 days, where it rotates weekly, so each child gets to spend quality time just with one parent, and for the 5 year old, you should give them a lot of choice / agency / control over what they do, where they eat etc. So maybe give them a choice between 3 ‘special’ days out - and let them choose where you eat your lunch, and then give them a budget to choose a gift from the souvenir shop at the end of the day, for them, and for their sibling. And during the day, make sure to praise them, and boost their confidence.

We found, after one day of undivided attention, where they had quite a lot of control over where to go and what to do, it was almost like a magic switch had been flipped - it was almost immediate after one session!

We carried on doing this for quite a while - each weekend, it would rotate (we had two boys of 8&6, and a baby), so dc1 would have a special day with me one weekend, (while dh looked after the other two, and still had a nice day out) then the following weekend it would switch around, so that each boy would get a special 1-to-1 day out with each parent, over the course of a month.

Also - you need to make sure you and your dh alternate downtime for you both - maybe making sure that each of you get a child-free morning either every weekend, or every fortnight.

And is there any chance you could increase childcare during the week for the 2 year old? To allow a bit of a break… How soon will they be starting the pre-school year? That could be a big change, and allow a bit more time for you to recover your energy.

I also think improving your sleep quality and quantity could help things - and also agree with pps about going to GP and getting help to improve your mood. I have recently accessed therapy through IAPT (NHS), and it was really helpful. And medication might be an option to explore. Good luck!

You sound burnt out. And also, you sound like your disassociating. When mine were very small, twice i like I wasn't really here ( for months ) so drained and tired I was just on autopilot. Every now and then I would snap back to reality and it would literally be like a fog fell down infront of my eyes. It only happened twice and I remember both times so clearly. I was under an immense about of pressure and stress at the time

Me and my children are all also AUHD and your 5 year olds behaviour really reminded me of my DD when she was small. Normal parenting advice / classes didn't work and I felt like such a failure as a parent.

DD and I were both diagnosed within 3 months of each other and once I started parenting/supporting my children like ND children need to be parented and supported, all of us got so much happier and calmer. I learnt to understand myself too and my own triggers

DD is a non stop talker, it's too much for my brain 🤣..... somthing I always did when she was younger which she thoroughly enjoyed, is I'd start singing parts of her monologue back to her and she would join in - "DD saw a cat in the garden, oooooh a big black cat oh. Oh oh, where did the cat go 🤣 it used to stop me getting annoyed and also change her focus from talking at me to thinking up funny songs

As she's got older ( 11 now ) she's old enough that she knows I don't enjoy being talked at ( not talked to, there's a huge difference ) and she will ask me if she can talk to me about whatever she's hyperfocused on..... she doesn't have to ask permission to talk to me aha we talk normally throughout the day ect but if she wants to just information dump on me she has to ask first

It was very very draining when they were younger but honestly their 9 and 11 now and both so easy, it does get better

You can get free help from a therapist if you’re in the UK. Speak to your GP. Time to talk is free; I’ve had 16 weeks of therapy over the phone and it’s been incredibly helpful. Mumsaid is free. There’s another too in forgetting; Mind. All free, on the phone or in person. It sounds to me like your nervous system has done into overload and you’ve detached to cope with overwhelm. Please seek help. I’ve done similar recently. I’ve had SSRIs to help with low mood/irritability from PMDD. HRT to cope with menopause. ADHD diagnosis to help understand the emotional and sensory overwhelm and shutdown I’m feeling. All normal and reversible and help available. Things don’t have to stay like this for you or your partner. Help is available for you to find joy in parenting. Your feelings will be affecting your kids too as they pickup on this, so but reaching out and asking for help you are helping them too. This is really not unusual at all and treatable, and the bond can return. Take care and let us know how you get on.

Things I notice on this thread

1. You have some rigidity - your friend can have mess and chaos, you can't handle

1. You are having blocked care - you are burned out and your own functioning is swamped and overwhelmed

1. You have a 2 year old who is particularly strong willed and won't "do the thing for the reward" - and you feel you can't just win the battle of wills through strictness, she will never give in (NB the first sign my child was autistic was this)

1. You have a 5 year old who monologues continually.

1. You have one of them at least who wakes really really early.

Now. The children could be completely within the realms of normal behaviour and you could be overwhelmed. You could potentially be neurodivergent as you are trying to lead a rigid and calm life with the natural un-calm world of toddlers and small kids.

Or the children could be harder than many to manage, and you are mainly using neurotypical parenting on neurodivergent children ,which doesnt work and escalates everything all the time to a point of unbearable stress. Thus you are depressed.

Or - to be honest what feels most likely to me - is that you are neurodivergent and so are your children.

Diagnosing here is obviously very silly, I don't know you!!

But I tend to believe parents when they say "Something here just feels off, like it's too much". I tend to assume most parents are kind of ok at taking care of most children unless there's something else going on.

OP you sound overwhelmed and desperate. I’ve felt like this at times in the past but it’s been short lived. For me, what it’s really signalling is I feel close to burning out and what I need is rest and peace. It’s not always an option to have it.

I have four under six and I hear you on how hard work they can be. I’m on my own with them a lot as DH works long hours.

Getting out of the house helps loads, when they’re busy and engaged they aren’t at home destroying the house and are less likely to be irritating each other. Free/low cost activities are your friend. Even when I can’t be bothered I usually find I’m glad I went. I’m strict with my kids that if they mess around we will leave and go home and I will follow through with that. Go out in the morning, home for your younger one to nap, let eldest watch tv and either catch up on jobs or rest yourself. Makes loads of difference.

I also agree with the advice up thread, when I’m in the grip of this sort of mood deciding I’m going to fake it til I make it is often the way out of it. My children are highly reactive to my mood, the worse I feel the worse they behave and it’s an awful vicious circle. If I force myself to do something as simple as read them a book and cuddle them on my lap while I do so I immediately feel relieved that my bad mood can pass.

I would do everything in my power to try and get some sort of short respite. Can your children do a bit more time in childcare? Can you and your partner agree to give each other a short break at the weekend so you can reset? Can you stick something on Disney plus on for an hour and just sit and read your book?

Can you have a look and see if the charity Homestart operates in your area and see if the GP/HV can refer you? I had some help from them after my third baby was born where I was super lonely and they found me the loveliest volunteer. She helped me so much and I think of her all the time and still miss her. It sounds like it could be just the support you need right now as it’s practical hands on help.

I would also do everything possible to simplify your life and the demands on you at the moment. You are in survival mode. Hang in there, you sound like a good mum who actually does care very much about your children but you need some support.

You are in the worst loneliest stage of parenting and you seem to he completely unsupported and your partner is depressed and unhelpful

No wonder you feel incredibly stressed by it.

Modern parenting is lonely and fucking shit sometimes. We evolved to raise small children in groups with other adults and other children around all the time.

If you dont want parenting classes- fine. And no therapy...fine. but then you need to act yourself as far as you can.

Timetable your week with time out...free or cheap todldler groups at churches ?

You can refer yourself to front door for families a branch of social services for parenting support. I had help for them for my autistic child and found them helpful.

Put your own phone down. Try and block off time for yourself with no screens as ir just fuels stress and diaengagement.

Get out early with the 2 year old and wear them out. Does it matter if they get dressed before going out on the bike ?

It's shit and parenting can be absolutely awful but you are in a hard part.

I would also wonder if you can get the 2 year old into childcare??

I also had similar thoughts, you have summarised them better than I could though!

I can only speak for myself here as im by nature a sociable person but at this stage I found my day much much worse if I didn't see a friend or meet eith other adults and small kids

Are you in a town or rural ? You could focus on trying new meet ups with the toddler or even posting on your local facebook to find some parents with similar age toddlers etc ..be honest and say im finding it hard would love to meet for tea with other mums of feral 2 year olds !

Could you go back to work full time and get a nanny? Even if you broke even only, your life quality would sky rocket making it worth it I imagine.

The sense of detachment you are describing is very typical of depression and a visit to the GP would be the first step I think.
In the meantime please remind yourself that you and your partner are managing to keep the basics going for your children - they are fed and clothed and being looked after. I know that you would aspire to something more than this and hopefully with the right help this can eb achieved, but parenting is about doing your best from the place that you are in right now.
I hope that you will get some help soon.

You are asserting that you are unable to access therapy at the moment, but haven’t said why. Therapy is available in the NHS, albeit there’s a long wait.

The fact that you have tried and failed with various parenting techniques, and you are struggling even to get a 2 year old to obey your instructions, suggests you may be applying the techniques incorrectly, and just need some parenting classes to help you with that. Contact your Health Visitor and ask for a referral.

This is such good advice. Sometimes our standards are too high and life becomes easier when we lower them. This will free up more time. What do you do in the evenings when the children are asleep? It’s helpful to have time by yourself to look forward to.

https://www.home-start.org.uk

This organisation can be helpful. They do a befriending scheme and will offer weekly visits for up to 6months. They can offer practical and emotional support and can help with the

Life isn't just shit. You're perceiving it that way because you're depressed and your brain isn't processing enjoyment and reward normally.
If your house burned down, your children died, your husband left, and you woke up in hospital with third-degree burns all over your body having lost your health and mobility, then life would be truly awful.
Instead, you have a home, a family, healthy children, and all the things many people spend their entire lives hoping for. The fact that you can't enjoy them doesn't mean they have no value; it means something is wrong with the way you're experiencing them.
From what you've written, it sounds less like life is the problem and more like you're depressed. If you genuinely hate listening to your toddlers speak, regret having them, and can't find joy in any part of family life, I'd seriously consider speaking to a doctor. Antidepressants and proper support may help far more than convincing yourself that life itself is hopeless.

What are yours and DH’s working pattern?

Parenting is hard but it’s not going anywhere and so you just have to find a way to cope.

You feel worse when you feel like you exist just to care for them.

You and DH need to come up with a timetable where you take in turns to have some time to yourselves without the kids.
It doesn’t have to cost anything.

I would take in turns where EOD you go out for a long walk or something.

I would try and find a hobby each but just going to a long walk can make a massive difference - time without the kids, fresh air and exercise.

Just a couple hours by yourself or with friends etc makes a massive difference.

You have to find things that make you happy/give you energy so that you have more energy to give your DCs.

The thing with parenting groups is not just what the advise, per se - but more being in a group with other parents who are also struggling. It can make you feel less alone and it’s that aspect I think that is helpful too.

Loop earplugs are also brilliant.its all very normal behavior for that age and it's no fun,it does get easier and important you look after yourself just now.give antidepressents a couple of weeks and you will find things easier.make a list of things to help make a schedule as that always helps and put on music.for the monologues you can say,I can't chat just now can you tell me later,or Can you go tell Teddy he wants to know more about that.

Donyoubgrt to have a break from.parenting?
Other family offer to help or take them for a sleep or?
If you find it boring then tell them when you are over it to please stop talking or do thry have someone to ring someone to chat to?
Other nearby friends to go off and play?
If you are depressed and your partner go get a medication to help and discuss how you feel.
I dont find children boring but i do like quiet times or sometimes direct them to an activity.
Sounds like time to call in any helpful support.

Unfortunately I’ve no way of getting to a therapist. Thank you though.

OP many many therapists do online or phone sessions.

It's very easy when you're in this state - and I know because I was in it this past winter - to dismiss everything as impossible. What I found was that therapy alongside SSRIs really have helped. The medication makes the dealing with everything feel like something you can start instead of "This is too big, I can't cope".

I promise you I have been there, and so have lots of others. The first step is starting to lift that fog. Medication can very often do this. It takes six weeks or so, maybe even eight and you think "This isn't doing anything", but then it lifts a little and you might not even notice at first. But then it lifts a little more.

Please make an appointment with your GP.

I really feel for you - you sound like you really need some help and, more than anything, some empathy and solidarity. Definitely go and see the GP and talk to them about anti-depressants as a first step. You also need to have an honest and firm chat with your partner about how you can help each other and divide and conquer so you both have time for yourselves to recharge.

You probably aren't in the right place for this as a starting point but I also think that while you need to recognise that you deserve empathy and help, so do your children. It's really easy to get stuck in a mindset of how their behaviour is affecting us without considering how our behaviour is affecting them. I say this not to make you feel bad but because I genuinely think recognising this and addressing it might help shift some of the issues.

Have you read Dr Becky/followed her on IG? Her principle of 'connection capital' ie ensuring that above all else you are connecting with your kids before correcting honestly changed my approach and has made things so much easier with my son. 15 dedicated mins a day with him, doing what he wants to do, absolutely no checking of my phone has really improved his behaviour throughout the rest of the day.'

It sounds like your son's monologuing could be him looking for connection - he is trying to tell you things that are important to him. Solidarity because it is annoying and you have to dig deep but have you tried engaging with the monologue - 'oh wow that's so interesting, thanks for sharing that. What do you like about that etc.' I know it feels like that might only encourage it but in my experience, once kids feel heard, the bids for attention decrease.

I really hope you get the help you need - and I really do recommend Dr Becky's book. She also has a whole chapter on self care for parents which I found great too.

I have a DD with ADHD, and now looking back it’s obvious why the normal parenting advice didn’t work. At the time it was so confusing that strategies that worked for my older DD were completely hopeless for the younger.

I have found ChatGTP quite helpful when I’ve specified the ADHD as an issue. But I also agree that too much time on your phone is going to make you feel worse.

If your children are potentially neurodiverse, you are better off getting them on the pathway for testing sooner rather than later. Using the Right to Choose pathway can speed things up a little. Your DD will still be too young to diagnose but try using ADHD focused parenting techniques. For your son, the first step might be talking to his teacher to see if they have noticed anything.

Thank you.

I definitely can’t manage therapy I am afraid. I have no spare time when I’m not working or have a child with me! Hence why I am burnt out, I recognise.

I feel a bit better now; just have one with me. It’s fine then.

Struggling with a lot and it is difficult not to fall into despair / blame etc. I think some medication and earplugs will be good as a starting point.