To feel like the bond I had with my children has gone?

[ifeelasido]

That’s an awful title but it probably best summarises how I’m feeling at the moment.

Everything they do annoys me and a lot of it makes me really angry. I don’t even know why, repeated disobedience, the silliness, the long monologues my five year old subjects me to regularly. I just want to say - shut up, you are boring the hell out of me and I don’t care.

I feel numb. I’m sure they are trying to connect with me but I just feel detached and as if they are nothing to do with me. Then someone does something that kind of spurs me into action and I lose it.

I wish to god there was a way to reverse decisions like this, of course there isn’t. You’re stuck with it and everyone judges you for saying it out loud. But I just don’t feel as if I love or even like them very much.

I have to admit I have a son who is going to turn 20 in Sept. He still turns up and monologues at me. For years I tried suggesting practice conversations where he leads with a question rather than launching into one.

Honestly I thought it was just him, possibly a neurodivergent trait.

Whether you have adhd or not it might be worth looking into ways of managing overwhelm/over stimulation for adhd to see if any of it helps.

I felt I’d lost the bond I had with my DS after I had my DD. It was like all the fond and loving feelings I had disappeared and everything he did annoyed me. He was SO loud and aggressively in my face all the time. I just wanted him to go away. I felt so guilty for this but it was true, I really did not enjoy his company.

Things that help have been prioritising sleep - I go to bed ridiculously early. Being outside whenever possible and getting him to wear himself out. I am without a doubt a better parent outside, and better still in nature. Putting on music that I enjoy and singing/dancing about together. In the shower (sometimes my only time to myself) I have lovely smelling products that calm me down.

And I do this thing where I imagine I’m old and he’s left home, but I’ve been granted one hour to go back in time and spend it with my son, and I pretend that this is it, and I have to make the most of it. Or that I’ve come from my own past, where I didn’t know about my kids, and I’m seeing them for the very first time. It helps me to see them differently.

It is, it’s called infodumping

Do you know any way around it at all, any tricks I'd be open to learning! Not to de-rail OPs thread - sorry.

I think ds is trying to connect with me but it is very hard when I’m trapped listening to five minute drones about ‘and this is thin mummy, mummy, it’s thin, right so it’s thin and this means it’s not … not wide so it we had a thin motorbike it could come in the house’ and I’m sat there wondering what the fuck that even means!

Lean into it would be my advice

This might help explain a bit better than I can: https://autisticphd.com/theblog/help-what-is-info-dumping/

Yep this is very familiar

is there anything you’re both interested in doing together? Something you actually enjoy ?

I found it freeing to accept I’m rubbish at trying to engage on topics I find boring so if me and DS are going to get on we need to do things I like, too. We read, cook, go for walks etc and I talk to him about things I find interesting. This obviously doesn’t always work and I hear an awful lot about spider man that doesn’t make any sense to me, but I feel like as long as we spend some good time together I can just zone out at other times

Just to chip in on this point.

A while ago I noticed that my emotional state always took a negative turn whenever I'd been on the phone for too long.
It really does have an affect on our level of patience/tolerance in relation to our children.

I believe there are a few studies that highlight we become far more snappier and annoyed/frustrated when using our screens for too long - whilst taking care of children.

Now, I do try to only have the TV on in the backgound (if anything) when we are all together - and I do feel so much lighter when I do that.

What you're describing sounds exactly like depression.

You do right to ask about antidepressants as they will make you feel more able to take the next steps, but please don't rule out therapy.

I am currently having counselling through a service called Mindler (NHS self-referral in my area). It's taken about 8-10 weeks from referal to starting sessions, which are online and can be arranged any time from 6am - 11pm, 7 days a week. I have a very inflexible job and am exhausted in the evening so I have mine at 10am on a Sunday (usually - therapist had something on this week but offered me yesterday morning on 7.15 today - nope!)

Not wanting to sound evangelical about it but I've used it before and because it's so flexible it really takes away the stress of 'oh god something else to fit in, I just can't...'

As for putting youngest in nursery to give eldest 1-2-1 time, I'd suggest putting her in nursery to give yourself some time for the next few weeks to rest and get some support in place before the summer holidays start.

Yes, I think that sounds like depression tbh.

Can you get some support?

He’s great on his own. I can manage the monologues then by diverting. I can’t when they are both at me though.

I agree I think there’s something in this, I took my DD out for the day yesterday and consciously kept my phone inside my bag for nearly all of the day, including on the train/tube. Just focused on being together. I kept my shit together much better without it. I’m NHS diagnosed AuDHD btw…

You don’t need to divert his communication, it’s normal for him. You perhaps just need to learn a bit more about why he does it and what it means about his bond with you. I know it screams ‘too much’ to you but it isn’t that for him. I would let him infodump tbh, it isn’t harmful and he sounds like he enjoys it.

I was going to say this. And if right most likely your DH is too.
Finding out and understanding our 3 kids and both of us were ND really really helped. And made us parent differently.
Counselling for you and DH or just going for walks and talking to each other regularly is essential. We used to arrange for them to go to friends or do babysitting swaps and go out as a couple.

Support? Other adults? Family? A neighbour?

It's bloody awful ,the talk talk talk.

My love, you don't need to feel this way. This isn't a you failing, or a them failing. Young kids are tricky, yours are not unusual or broken. And nor are you, this is a hugely common tale.

It sounds very much like a depression, a fog. See a GP and work through it. Try medication offered to you, with a little more balance you'll see this for what it is, a stage to be worked through. If your partner is also struggling, he needs to do the same.

With more mental energy and perspective you can try getting out, joining groups, taking the kids places, to make some connections. Then you'll see how normal this is, and how hard.

I promise the second you accept that you and/or your children are built a bit differently you will find everything quite a bit less stressful. It’s getting over that initial hurdle. It’s very very painful to accept it initially but ultimately much less painful than going through life not accepting it. Like ripping a plaster off instead of slowly peeling it off.

Everyone is neurodivergent in here though so do forgive me for taking that with a pinch of salt. Of course I could be. My friend with the more chaotic life actually is! And sorry but I can’t live as she does; I don’t just mean I don’t want to, I can’t. To get her children to sleep she has to drive around for hours at bedtime then transfer them. Mine wake if you transfer them. So no. And I don’t need to - they will go to sleep independently. DD wakes in the night once or twice and wakes very early but that’s within the realms of normal.

both at me

It's suffocating.

I started medication for anxiety when my middle child was around 2, I felt at the end of my tether, running on nerves, the vast majority of the time. It gave me space, and mental calm. 10 years on, I was diagnosed and medicated for ADHD, and this has been a game changer. Obviously I have always had it, but didn't recognise it for what it was.

I also found that a chronic B12 deficiency didn't help, and due to absorption issues I have injections every into 12 weeks which do make a difference.

That's not saying that meds make everything ok, but that I understand myself better, and know how to work with and on myself more.

Maybe neurodivergent people are commenting because we recognise what’s going on in your content and want to help.

I had 2 kids close in age: 1 ND, 1 just a psycho toddler. They're 12 and 14 now and mostly lovely and have been for a long while (though obviously some ups and down along the way). I was a single parent. I have not forgotten the waking up 15+ times a night (bad sleepers), the chaos, the monologues nor the inexplicable refusal of clothing.

You sound really similar to me then. It was a difficult time and it damn near broke me. I managed to be too unwell for the GP to treat but too well for secondary care - go figure... I was also referred to SS by secondary care, who immediately closed the case saying I was doing great. I was regularly suicidal and hallucinating. It was shit. I'd still recommend talking to the GP though, because maybe your experience will be different. I really hope so.

In the meantime, what I did was plan fun activities and treat my children like a job. I pretended a social worker was in the room with us every time it was hard. I banned myself from tech in the day unless it was improving (news or documentaries) and I banned the kids from it too, beyond an hour of TV in 2 chunks while I cooked and washed up. I gave myself a sleep routine to stop falling asleep on the kids floors. Essentially, fake it till you make it. After about a year, the bond started coming back and the fog started lifting. It wasn't so hard then and slowly all the effort just became our normal.

I actively choose to work with difficult children now and I am better at keeping my cool than anyone I know. You can do this, you absolutely can. You are a mum, so you are a fucking warrior - this is your war.

(I also actively taught conversation skills and would shut down monologues. It was ridiculous for a while because it was like having 2 parallel conversations in turn, but it broke up the vocal battering. DS did learn to hold an actual conversation eventually, even if he still tries it at times. Knowing that conversation has 2 sides is something that needs teaching to some kids. I think the monologues were one of the worst bits for me.)

I wish you so much luck and peace. I really hope you find that bond again soon. See the GP. 💐

Bit weary of the constant neuro divergent stuff.

We all want a miracle cure, there isn't one.

I would have loved my blood tests to have showed low iron but they didn't. It's depression.

With DD having a daily set time where she told me ALL about her day (not exaggerating, it literally started with “first, we did the register then…” and it continued all the way to home tome) helped.We incorporated it into our routine. Often , I encouraged her to do it while I was doing boring household chores so it actually was entertainment/distraction from the boring task ahead. I tried my best to actively listen and ask questions , but I didn’t always have it in me. Those days were always worse .