To feel like the bond I had with my children has gone?

[ifeelasido]

That’s an awful title but it probably best summarises how I’m feeling at the moment.

Everything they do annoys me and a lot of it makes me really angry. I don’t even know why, repeated disobedience, the silliness, the long monologues my five year old subjects me to regularly. I just want to say - shut up, you are boring the hell out of me and I don’t care.

I feel numb. I’m sure they are trying to connect with me but I just feel detached and as if they are nothing to do with me. Then someone does something that kind of spurs me into action and I lose it.

I wish to god there was a way to reverse decisions like this, of course there isn’t. You’re stuck with it and everyone judges you for saying it out loud. But I just don’t feel as if I love or even like them very much.

It is hard to connect with your kids when you don’t even feel connected to yourself. You need to prioritise your own mental health, sleep, exercise etc

@LizziBee no I agree, I’m actually dithering as to whether to book DD in for an extra day of nursery and let him have a day off school this next week because I really feel he needs some connection. But I don’t want to set a precedent and also, it’s expensive!

Does you DH/partner do any parenting at all, or has he completely checked out?

Some; not a lot TBH. But some. For instance he’s taken the older one to a sports club this morning so I only have the little one, that sort of thing.

You sound burnt out and if you’re considering booking your youngest for an extra nursery day you’d be be far more sensible to also send eldest to school and take some time for yourself! You could use that time to go to the GP, find out about anti-depressants and try and get on top of things. Sometimes it is reasonable to put yourself first.

Book DD an extra day in nursery and take a day for yourself. Have some one on one time with DS when he finishes school before you pick up DD.

No advice, but just reassurance that I felt a lot like you when my daughter was that age. I was also suffering from depression, partly fuelled by the fact that I was the driving factor in wanting children. My husband never wanted any. He also struggled with the years up to age 5 and withdrew. So I felt I had to step up more. But I was exhausted. I was working full time then coming home to a child who was full on - constantly on the go, constantly talking, constantly asking questions. I didn't feel much pleasure in being a parent at all, just tired. All I will say is it became a bit easier when she went to nursery at age 3 and easier still past the age of 5, because I wasn't her constant source of stimulation. She was very intelligent and curious. Then parenting got easier by the year (until she got to recent later teenage tears, but that's a whole different story). One thing that has made it make more sense recently is that she is going through the process of being tested for ADHD, which explains why she was so full on as a child. I also now believe that myself and her dad have it, so we were continually feeling overwhelmed by her constant noise fidgeting and chatter. It was a whole boiling pot of overstimulation in our house. Things are easier now, but motherhood wasn't quite the bed of roses I'd concocted in my head in the broody years leading up to having her.

Have either of them been seen or assessed by an educational psychologist or community child health paediatrician? I have quite a bit of skin in the neurodisability game and recognise quite a few flags for autism, ADHD, or AuDHD here.

Book your youngest in for an extra day, and take the day for yourself

Or send them to school and use this time for a therapy session?!

I havent read the full thread so apologies if this has been repeated. But here's my advice.

1. You're in the trenches of young childcare and its often dull as shit, relentless and enraging. Ensure you and your husband have sometime to yourselves enraging.
2. How old are you? Im 43 and started HRT. That has helped no end. I also had post natal depression which i take sertraline for and that helped a lot.
3. Ditch your phone. Give each child 20 mins of undivided attention each day from each parent which will help fill their emotional cup.
4. Lower expectations for this phase. It gets easier. Mine are 7 and 5 and my 5 year old is still relentless but getting better
5. Try loop ear buds. When you are over stimulated this really helps
6. Be kind to yourself. Make sure youre eating well, sleeping enough (appreciate children dont make this easy!) Avoid phone use, get exercise and take rwgular walks in nature. It sounds airy fairy but it works.

And finally remember youre not the only parent that feels like this.

Underneath I'm sure you are a wonderful caring mum OP who is simply going through an often difficult phase.

My friends children were 2 years apart, both extremely bright & needed constant attention to prevent them from becoming frustrated, bored & irritable. There were times she wondered how she would get through another day especially as her DH had a very demanding business so being a sahm for the first few years she was the main parent. She woke up one day & thought unless I totally surrender to being first & foremost a mother & cater whole heartedly for their needs at every given moment she would essentially spend her days in emotional turmoil feeling she could be doing something for herself rather than for them. It was then she ditched her phone, switched off daytime TV, stopped thinking about what else she could be doing & she never looked back. She bacame the type of mum we would all want in our lives & both her & the children although still demanding became far more contented. An added bonus was the fact she hardly sat down she lost quite a lot of weight. The stage your children are going through can be frustrating but with the right frame of mind you will find the greatest joy in every milestone they achieve.

When they are older your children will say thanks to you mum we had the best childhood we could ever hope for & of course the same sentiments will be offered to their father if he takes the same approach.

Hang in there OP & just do your best. You will one day look back on the days your children were young & have happy memories of a job well done.

It’s hard to have a 2 year old and a 5 year old. You will get some time to yourself once the 2 year old is in full time education but I can understand that feels like ages away at the moment.

Tbh young children can be quite boring & definitely hard work. It changes and gets better. I can’t help I’m afraid but I do sympathise & think you’re brave for saying it.

BTW I am in mid burnout right now, quite a bad one. I feel quite emotionally detached from my kids, especially my autistic son, but I know deep down that it’s just that I am fucking exhausted from nearly twelve years of intense parenting. I’m letting myself accept that and trying very hard not to feel guilty about it. To be honest I think I’ve cracked way later than many people would.

I have made some tweaks to my life and seen the GP. I’m still low on energy and enthusiasm for life but I’m coping ok on autopilot. No huge changes, just more acceptance on my part and I think I will get there.

If you are burning out please don’t feel bad about it, it sounds like you’ve been in quite a heightened state of alertness for quite a long time. Your body is just trying to tell you that.

I'm way out the other side of this but I distinctly remember standing at a checkout of a supermarket with my kids wanting to cry thinking I'm not cut out for this , go to the gp get yourself on antidepressants and make time weekly for yourself. Talk to your partner about how you are feeling . It's hard now but it gets so much easier

I also find Chat GPT really useful as a therapist. I had NHS therapy recently and it didn't really make any difference, but Chat GPT was brilliant at reflecting back how I was feeling and putting it into words.

One therapy session is unlikely to change much and would work out far too expensive to commit to on a regular basis.

OK, then find a parenting class?

Just wanted to show some solidarity. My youngest is so difficult and defiant. I cry myself to sleep about it. Staying in is a nightmare. Going out is a nightmare. She is violent and will hit and kick her sister and me. I suspect ADHD or something else, but her dad (we’re separated) thinks it is my parenting. I have read loads of books and done a course. Nothing helps. I’m so sad. I expect I am also depressed. My only advice is to try and enjoy any tiny moment that is ok - a cup of tea, tye sun on your face. I hope it gets better for you.

I think OP is in a hole and can’t get out right now. Step one, I think, would be acknowledging the hole and working out how shes got there. I don’t think she’s ready to do the work to get out of the hole right now.

Little kids are intense. I'm a granny now and look after my granddaughter one day a week. She's two and a half and is full into being an absolute whining pain some days. She has always been really cheerful and easy up to now, but she is arguing about everything. I just keep reminding myself that "this too shall pass".(I know it will because I survived my DC.) It takes all my resolve to not get sucked into arguments, to keep calm and repeat my boundaries.

I BET anything I own it’s not your parenting. People often say ‘Can’t you just…’ about my son and then when they’ve spent a bit of time with him gone off with their tails between their legs. If you spend the majority of the time with her and your spidey senses are tingling, go with them x

Honey, put on your own air mask first. Make time by having both for an hour then he does. He can take BOTH kids to gymnastics and play with one whilst the other does their club! Even if’s just occasionally otherwise you’re going to explode or fade away as well.

Remember therapy is free on the NHS.early help hub also really good support.definetly book the extra nursery days in and take time for yourself.once your ok youl have energy for the kids again.

He can’t, or won’t. It’s an issue I agree, but if someone won’t they won’t.

@PirateGirl23 i sympathise … the books are crap IMO!