To feel like the bond I had with my children has gone?

[ifeelasido]

That’s an awful title but it probably best summarises how I’m feeling at the moment.

Everything they do annoys me and a lot of it makes me really angry. I don’t even know why, repeated disobedience, the silliness, the long monologues my five year old subjects me to regularly. I just want to say - shut up, you are boring the hell out of me and I don’t care.

I feel numb. I’m sure they are trying to connect with me but I just feel detached and as if they are nothing to do with me. Then someone does something that kind of spurs me into action and I lose it.

I wish to god there was a way to reverse decisions like this, of course there isn’t. You’re stuck with it and everyone judges you for saying it out loud. But I just don’t feel as if I love or even like them very much.

It’s not picking fault, but it does sound as though you are struggling with parenting your children, for whatever reason. It’s not your children’s fault. It’s yours and your DH’s to manage.

I had several very critical posts stating they felt sorry for my children, that I was ruining their mental health and so on so yes I do think that is picking fault, tbh.

Hi OP. When I read their ages I immediately understood. My eldest DD is nearly 8, and good lord she is SO much easier. I can leave her at birthday parties, she doesn’t get as upset as easily as her 5 year old sister, and is SO much more rational than my younger DD. Youngest DD is very sweet, but at 5, the conversation isn’t exactly exciting. They talk about the most inane, boring things a lot of the time! As for age 2 - well, I wouldn’t want to go back there!

That said, your feelings are extreme. What sort of break do you get? Do you work? Is the youngest one in childcare at all? Do you have friends with kids the same age? If not, can your kids join something where you can meet people, like a toddler group, or maybe beavers for your DS?

I would also highly recommend a visit to the GP. I take a very low dose of Venlafaxine, which helps me enormously.

That might be your starting point in working this out. Do you view observations about your situation as personal attacks, generally?
You (plural;parents) need to make the time and space to get to the bottom of this. Your children sound lovely. It’s on you guys to find a way to parent them. At the moment, all of your lives sound miserable. That’s on you two to fix.

Fair enough

I doubt your DH is on a thread somewhere agonising over this

it is hard when the buck always stops with you

I know this is a bigger thing to tackle but it really does sound like your main problem is your DH rather than your kids

what do you think he would do if you told him how close to the edge you are? Is there any way of making him step up at all?

I don’t mean to project my stuff onto you but I know that for me, sometimes I find that my anger towards my DH gets directed to my kids - when he’s there being lazy or useless (he’s not always but it has happened quite a lot) and I feel everything is down to me, I get snappier and angrier with them. I know it’s not their fault. I don’t have a magic solution for this obv, but I notice and try my best to be self aware enough not to be unkind to them. Deeps breaths etc.

its hard tbh

Surely you realise that how you behave towards them and around them impacts them ? Pp don't know how you are with them, they are just going on the tone of your posts.

I think this is normal small child conversation, he sounds very sweet and as though he wants a chat with you. In this instance I would have talked to my child more about the thin motorbike, and why bikes are the size that they are.
When you say the bond has gone, that suggests that you did feel bonded in the past, so what has changed ? Of course children can be really hard work, it can be exhausting, boring and frustrating looking after toddlers or little ones, but it really shouldn’t feel like that all the time. Seems as though you are stuck in a cycle of resentment that your children aren’t different, that you expected something else, when it might be better to accept that this is just what little kids are like some of the time, and focus on enjoying what you can make enjoyable. Do distracting things together, get outside and let them run about, rain or shine. Make things. Read to them. Let your older one help cook. I would get stir crazy in the house and have to get them out.
Very few women can be super enthusiastic all the time with small children, when they themselves are tired or fed up, but you do need to act with enthusiasm and affection. Toddler tantrums like teenage ones, are hard to deal with and different things work for different children, but that stage passes quickly.
Do you think that you are depressed, or angry that this isn’t how you imagined it would be ? Or perhaps both ? You have had sensible advice about seeing your GP, but also I have found that my attitude and energy is very contagious in the house and that was particularly true when my dc were tiny. Children are highly sensitive to the feelings of their parents, and take their cues from them, so stop blaming your children. This is not their fault, they don’t sound like particularly unusual children, they are just little.
Whatever is going on with you and your DH, is for you two to sort out, and in the meantime try and be as cheerful, kind and generous as possible to your dc and they will pick up on that and reflect it back to you.
You need your DH to step up more, and if you feel overwhelmed (as we all do at times), and need to walk around the block for five minutes to get perspective and calm down, they he should be facilitating that and vice versa.

I imagine OP does realise that her behaviour impacts her children

if she didn’t care she wouldn’t be on a thread asking for advice to make things better

I view personal attacks as personal attacks, yes 👍🏻

@Jamtomorrowneverjamtoday yes there probably is an element of that. It’s extremely frustrating.

Have you had a full blood screen recently? As I mentioned previously, chronically low B12 had me feeling rubbish, may be worth checking.

I don't think your kids sound ND OP, they sound thoroughly 'normal' to me. And normal is often challenging!

I also agree with a couple of the others who said 'fake it till you make it'. I used to pretend I was being watched as a way of giving myself a gee up 😂

Again this is just, well, normal ! ‘Yes let’s go to the zoo on your birthday, what animals would you like see’ ? And keep saying no while you find some new distraction for the two year old, put the bike out of sight.
I genuinely don't understand how in your mind this is “horrific” , of course he wants to go to the zoo he is FIVE, it’s exciting !

So I suppose (kindly) OP the thing is to get help. A break from them somehow, a cleaner? Anything that makes life a tiny bit better.

It's like being in a dark tunnel, so sorry. It's not you.

I agree asking for random things is a 5 years old thing, why can't he go to the zoo on his birthday? But you could have just distracted him with saying oh maybe but let's wait till it is nearer your birthday, you are being annoyed at a child acting like a child.

My comment wasn’t to criticise or even really to advise just more thinking of myself when my kids were little. I have a couple of sons who needed to be out otherwise they’d be climbing the walls and Îd be tearing my hair out. Only you know what’s best .

I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this OP, but you could search Home-Start and your area and see if you have a local organisation. They can help you with this type of situation if one or both of your children are 6 or under. They helped me with a situation I had with my daughter at age 4/5. You can self refer or people like Health Visitors, School Nurses and Social Prescribers can refer your family.

I do think getting a check up with your GP would be a good. They can do some blood tests and check for any underlying physical health issues. Perhaps you might try some medication for your mental health. I went on medication (Sertraline) when my daughter was 5 and it really helped me.

I went on a parenting course and found it mostly quite helpful. There was a focus on building a positive relationship with your child/ren through coaching them and spending quality time with them. They did cover managing difficult behaviour and discipline, but the idea seemed to be that you need to build the positive part as much as you need to deal with any negative or undesirable behaviour.

One thing I found quite interesting was that they recommended only trying to change one behaviour at a time with young children. Focus on one behaviour (such as putting their shoes away or sitting nicely at the table), change that and then move onto another and so on. Whereas, the reward charts one can buy often focus on multiple behaviours, which becomes overwhelming and difficult to monitor.

Positive reinforcement can be quite powerful. Seeking attention through negative behaviour can also be a thing - so potentially getting your attention any way they can and not really caring too much if this is due to them doing something good or bad.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but the OP sounds exactly like where I was two years ago. I stopped taking the pill and my tolerance for my children has really changed. Like a cloud lifted. The tiredness etc as well. May be completely unrelated but worth mentioning

I had similar when I was briefly on the implant. As soon as I had it removed I could feel the weight lifting, I was so relieved that’s what was causing it instead of just feeling like my life was shit.

A few years on though, I now have a 5yo and 2yo like OP and it is really hard. When my DS (5yo) is lying on the floor screaming because the it’s time for the TV to go off I have zero compassion, just annoying that I’m being screamed at.

Is there anything you enjoy doing with them even say watching a film ? I'd start with doing something with them that you'd enjoy

Some great suggestions here but I get the feeling the OP has made up her mind she simply doesn't enjoy being a mum. There are women who would give their eye teeth to have 2 children such as the OP describes. On reflection the posters who say she needs expert help are right. I would begin with social services who could arrange help from childcare experts geared towards parents who find it hard to cope with the everyday demands of parenthood. The fact is there is no disgrace in admitting it doesn't come naturally and subsequently asking for help.

@Virtueofhonesty I have quoted myself because I would like you to read it, if you wouldn’t mind, and then perhaps consider what you just wrote.

I won’t pretend I find being a mum easy or always enjoyable, but I have been clear all through this thread that I enjoy my children when I get time with them one to one. I find difficult behaviour is manageable and as such it rarely happens because I can plan for it and avoid it. What’s very difficult is meeting two sets of conflicting needs.

I have engaged with a lot of the suggestions, agreed many have a point with ds trying to connect with me, with spending too much time on my phone (it can feel like my link to the outside world) and medication.

If you would ‘begin with social services’ for a parent who is tired, struggling to engage as enthusiastically as ideally and overwhelmed with noise and chaos then you really don’t have a clue about either the state social services are in or the conditions some children have to live in. Social services are not a hand holding friend for tired / overwhelmed parents; they only really offer support where removal is a distinct possibility and to try to prevent that happening. Here, we have two children who have excellent attendance at school/preschool and are achieving well, meeting milestones, well dressed, good diets, range of activities, read to, exposed to culture and so on. All thanks to me I might add <said slightly waspishly>

That said, I am aware I need to have more patience and engage better with them when things are overwhelming which I am afraid of late they have been. But taking spiteful little swipes at struggling posters really isn’t on.

A lot of small charities do free counselling sessions if you don’t mind having a trainee therapist

I really can’t commit to any counselling. I am either at work or have a child with me! But thank you. I’ve ordered some loop earplugs and I really am feeling a lot better now than I did at the start of the thread. While there have been stressful moments the day as a whole has gone fairly well.

@ifeelasidoStick with it girl. It will pass eventually or you will find balance as they grow. As for those suggesting SS...like there is any help for families just about hanging in, when there's nothing for those who are off the scale. In days gone by and closer geographically, families OP could have shunted a lot to grandparents/ auntie/ cousins etc. Modern families don't that that option.

Sure start used to be the lifeline for families like the OP.
When mine were little there was jack all. I struggled, but had to just crack on, hope the kids would settle eventually. I had severe PND/PTSD ( or more likely reality kicked in) I have never enjoyed being a parent, just had to do the best I could until they grew up. If I had my time again I wouldn't have ever had kids. I don't have a maternal bone in my body. It's the only decision that if you get wrong there's no going back.
As they grow, carve out time for hobbies etc to reclaim you.

Absolute bullshit.

I know women who went through multiple miscarriages, multiple rounds of IVF, several thousands of pounds and you know what? They still moan when their kids are tricky. No one wishes for this.

Also , what planet do you live on where SS are not underfunded, overstretched and overworked and just sitting around waiting for a chance to help a struggling parent with “childcare experts”? What childcare experts?

And yet, I said none of those things and you dismissed me out of hand.