To feel like the bond I had with my children has gone?

[ifeelasido]

That’s an awful title but it probably best summarises how I’m feeling at the moment.

Everything they do annoys me and a lot of it makes me really angry. I don’t even know why, repeated disobedience, the silliness, the long monologues my five year old subjects me to regularly. I just want to say - shut up, you are boring the hell out of me and I don’t care.

I feel numb. I’m sure they are trying to connect with me but I just feel detached and as if they are nothing to do with me. Then someone does something that kind of spurs me into action and I lose it.

I wish to god there was a way to reverse decisions like this, of course there isn’t. You’re stuck with it and everyone judges you for saying it out loud. But I just don’t feel as if I love or even like them very much.

OP what is work like for you? Do you have friends? are you happy in your marriage?

I think if you pause and consider these things… you’ll realise that it isn’t just your children

I just popped back to say mine are 18 and nearly 14 now. Generally they are good company and are growing up into lovely young adults. I haven’t forgotten that relentless time, but it did improve eventually.

Are you up for going to the gp about this? How old are your children they do need both of you to engage so it might be worth their dad going to the gp to.

It just sounds extremely grim. I hope somehow something today makes you smile, even briefly, and you get that appointment.

A friend of mine did think if she’d gone on antidepressants two years earlier she might still be married. I hope if that’s the plan that they do something for you, they certainly helped me at the time I needed them.

Can you have a look at what your local council offers around parenting and support… Ours has a great offer for parents of neurodivergent children (no diagnosis needed)… maybe see if there is something like that and whether the topics covered sound like things you are struggling with.

I think you have burnout. My mum is dead too and kids are same ages as yours so I can relate. My husband and I NEVER get a break. It is relentless and hard. I don't have the answer but you have my sympathy. You are pouring from an empty cup and with no reprieve in sight it is hard to see how it will get better x

How did you respond when she said she wanted to go on the bike? They will kick off at 2 if you say you need to get clothes on as they think they aren't getting what they want. I know when mine were this age I had to fake excitement at what they wanted to do for example "yes that sounds really exciting and I would love to do this with you. However it's a bit cold out there in just our PJ's. I know could we race to see how quickly we get our clothes on. I'm so excited to come with you so let's be super quick". It feels massive overkill but we'd usually be dressed and out in minutes without tears or tantrums. It still works sometimes now my youngest is 5.

You sound like you've lost the joy and your sparkle a little. Some of the other suggestions about antidepressants seem on the ball. Hope it lifts soon for you.

I'd still stop listening though, you've tried to say just a minute, he hasn't listened but if he isn't bothered about just talking away into a void then it doesn't matter. If it helps your stress it's the right thing to do.

Doesn’t matter how you respond. When she’s fixated on something you’ve no chance of getting through to her.

Same with ds; doesn’t matter if you listen or not he carries on.

Don't try, ignore and get on with whatever you're doing.

Anti-depressants may help here. Medication has made a huge difference in my being able to cope with shit life stuff.

So sorry OP that you are having such a miserable time. I think that talking freely to an outsider could help; ; does your work offer an EAP which would provide short term counselling for free? Or you could ring the samaritans who are not just there for life and death crises. Things can get better, honestly.

You are steadfastly not responding to how the other elements of your life are, namely whether you work and if you enjoy; if you are happy with your husband; if you have friends; if you feel healthy; financially secure?

Because I suspect when you pick at these you’ll see it really isn’t just your children @ifeelasido

How are you de-escalating? Even at 5 I still have to take DS's hands and get down on his level for eye contact. I try not to get cross at the emotion but just the behaviour. A tantrum is just a child's way of verbalising their frustrations when we learn to internalise that with coping strategies as we get older. Don't give up if she has a meltdown at being told to do something but work with her to how she can handle those big emotions. You'll feel like you are repeating yourself constantly but she needs to be shown by example the tools to handle a meltdown. It might take 3 or 4 attempts across the day before she actually gets out on her bike. She'll eventually learn that getting dressed is boring but it means she will get what she wants by doing it.

Speak to your Health visitor i see you have a 2 year old, the HV can refer you to.triple p for parenting classes, also there might be a Homestart organisation in your area, they offer parenting,support they have parent volunteers you can either have 1 to 1 a few hours a week or they run groups, they are aimed at families with under5s, what you are feeling isn't as unusual as you might think.

As a mum and a grandma, I totally agree with this. Make everything a game. I race my grandson up the stairs to see who can do a wee quickest before we go out. I make a bet with him that he will sit on the third step up to get his shoes on (and he sits on the 4th stair laughing like a demon cos I was wrong - but the shoes get put on.) His dad taught him a trick for putting his coat on, apparently upside down, but it ends up the right way.

I remember sometimes wanting to cry with misery at the chaos of having young kids, decades ago, but saying to myself “Fake it til you make it”, which was one of the mantras of the 80s and 90s and I think related to career success. Pretend to enjoy life. One day you find you do enjoy bits of it.

Do you have adhd or think you might? Kids are one big ride of exec functions / regulating emotions it makes it harder to do these things with adhd.
nhs does online therapy sessions

I wonder sometimes! I honestly can’t manage therapy at the moment. But thank you. I am going to look into anti depressants, definitely.

You should definitely try. It might take a while, trialling different meds/dosages but it’s worth sticking with it. It won’t fix your circumstances, but it can give you the capacity to deal with them better.

Sounds really tough going for you, I do relate and sympathise a lot.

Wondering if having some music that you enjoy would help shift the atmosphere for you and the kids. Sometimes an audiobook might buy you some quiet time or a chance to re-group from feeling overwhelmed. It could be a sensory overload for you at this stage.

Some years and stages are just really tough going.

I knew someone who had noise-cancelling headphones, and would pop them on when her DC were mid-tantrum. Just for 3 minutes, or the time it took to listen to a good song. She could see the DC and be sure they were safe. But not hear them.

It sounded like a life-saver tbh

I'm so sorry you're struggling, these ages are exhausting.
Please try and get out to groups as much as possible for your own mental health. Plan something for everyday you're at home with them, especially over the holidays. Other parents will be feeling the same and the children will wear eachother out. That might be the practical life line you need.
Kids are definitely better behaved when exercised, stimulated and fed regularly, and it will help you feel better.
A playgroup, your local library and children's centre will have activities you can attend, or out with friends at the park with a cup of coffee and snacks. The library will be doing their Summer Reading Challenge soon so there will be stickers and events in the library, and a library is a great place for small kids to walk around safely, take a drink and plan to stay and read or colour. The activities in a library are normally free. And although teaching kids to read is hard it's a key way for them to entertain themselves and help them be successful in life.
Get your children outside in the morning as I always found that it set them up for the day.
Plan some small activity at home where you do it together each day in the afternoon, in time they will learn to do it in their own. A craft, playdough, Duplo towers, stampers on paper, make cup cakes using a baking mix (nothing to complex) play with toys making stories. And read together each day, get your 5 year old to read to their cat/teddy too. In time they will learn to take turns with toys and speaking, and learn to entertain themselves, but it is really hard work. Use a timer where if the older one manages to play quietly for increasing amounts of time they get a reward a story, craft, baking.
If you need a break play hide and seek where they hide and you slowly tidy up and shout out oh where are they hiding, making no effort to find them for 5 mins 🤣.
Good luck they will be teenagers and ignoring you in about 10 years!

It sounds like you are experiencing blocked care. It’s very understandable. I don’t have the brain power to explain it, but your love and empathy are still there but are dampened due to your circumstances. You are dealing with all of this in your own. So much to hold. You are only human so be kind to yourself.

Your very first and most important task right now is looking after you.

Your husband needs to step up and give you time to look after yourself. Your mental health and wellbeing matter just as much as his. He doesn’t get to opt out due to depression, any more than you do. He has just as much responsibility for the children as you do.

Speak to your GP and speak to Social Services or your health visitor. There might be supportive play groups you can join. They are there to help, not to judge and they have access to all sorts of support below the child protection threshold.

Please know though that you are not broken. Your love is still there but at the moment your brain is too overwhelmed and not getting enough support for it to make room for love and empathy. Your jug needs topping up.

It sounds to me like what you are experiencing is hopelessness and that is a really dangerous place to be. I think it’s likely you have depression. You are poorly, not failing.

Please see your GP and tell them how you feel. Ask for medication and stick to it.

Then look for manageable small steps to get you through the day. Perhaps some loop ear plugs? They are designed to reduce the noise around you to prevent overstimulation. There are various noise settings so that you can still hear and engage with what’s around you.

Look for things that spark joy in you and seek it every day, whether that’s a hot bath or a coffee in the garden.

You won’t feel like this forever. You’ve got through every hard day before this and you’ll continue to get through it. Sending you hope x

Oh I did one and also thought the same like you. I have like 20 parenting books and spend so long researching I thought there was nothing i could learn. It was actually really helpful - they work through scenarios and things real time to look at patterns in the household. Chat GPT isn’t even a search engine it just guesses what you want to hear.

We were referred from the GP and it was free.

I have a pause for thought in that i felt same as you when kids this age. I was diagnosed depressed. But actually the bonding problems were because my eldest is autistic, i just didn’t know. When he got diagnosed and got lot of help and therapy to improve his behaviour our relationship improved a lot. I remember my husband crying that he’d never had a conversation with our son when he was 6. He monologued, had loads of words, but couldn’t engage in actual to and fro chat. It was awful! Now he’s learned how to engage and he’s lovely so it’s easier to enjoy being round him.

May also be your kids are totally normal and you are depressed. No way to know without knowing you.

Do get help though - my friend was similarly depressed when kids young and ended up giving them screens the whole time to shut them up. Now they are teens they are vile with no social skills.