AIBU to feel blindsided after my partner ended our 16-year relationship?

[Blindsided2026]

Name changed for privacy.

While my partner of 16 years was at work yesterday, he texted to say he's come to the decision that he wants to leave me. He's already rented a flat, and will be staying at a hotel first for a few days.

I am 10 years older than him, cannot have sex at the moment because I have horrible gynae issues, which ARE being sorted, but it's dragged on for so long. Years. I try my best in that department but when you bleed 3 weeks out of 4, and your tummy is bloated with cysts, you don't feel sexy.

He said in the message that he's been with me since his 20s, is now 40, and can't do it anymore. He wants time and space to see what's out there.

I might sound calm but I am in absolute bits.

When he got home yesterday, it was only to pack and leave again. He was crying and wanted a hug. I told him to get the fk out. He'd clearly had time to process this. I hadn't.

He came back again today unannounced to pack more things, then left again. He's told me exactly where he's staying. He's worked out what he'll keep paying for at home.

In summary=

No kids, not married, a houseful of cats and dogs, and like I say, together almost 16 years. Been through miscarriages, parental deaths, milestone birthdays, losing one of our dogs, you name it. We train together, we just do everything together. I don't really have many good friends. House is in my name.

I left London and my family network for this man. I am now stuck up here in the north with zero support.

All I have done since he told me yesterday is sit on the floor.

Just, when will this get better, if ever? There was absolutely no sign anything was wrong. He's been happy as Larry! Even on the morning he went to work yesterday, we were joking and laughing. What do I do now?

He says there's no one else but made it clear he wants to date.

There will be someone else, either that he's got his eye on or is having an affair with.
Look after yourself, it's hard but you will recover and be fine. Do you want to move back to London?

I think he is right to end it if he is unhappy.

I’m so sorry this has come as a shock to you.
Was there no signs whatsoever? Had he been in his phone more, or did you have any inkling lately that there was someone at work he has been talking more about?

Not sure about moving back. I've been priced out.

The one thing I've said to him is "there's someone else" and he's absolutely adamant there isn't. His own family was ripped apart by cheating, but that could be why's he's ended it so suddenly. Cos then he's not technically cheating is he?

Nope, no arguments, no sign, nothing. Laughing and messing about 3 hours before he texted. We have holidays booked and paid off this year, concerts booked.

Edit to add, yes I work full time from home, about 11 hours a day.

He can still feel sad and sorry, it's over OP.
Of course you're blindsided. It was a cowardly way to end it as there was no discusssion. However, people do it like that for different reasons. I'd take charge and get legal advice then proceed with divorce quickly.

That's terrible, and an awful shock for you, since you appear to have had no inkling of anything seriously wrong. You did mention your illness and possibly the lack of intimacy has done it for him. His needs need to be fulfilled you see. So he's off to find it. That is NOT your fault, it is his reason though I expect.

Do you own the house, does he have any interest in it, i.e. deposit, contributions etc, Are you financially OK on your own? When you feel up to it, do an audit of these things. If you feel it might help, speak to a professional, a counsellor to help you come to terms with this.

I am so sorry. The grief, anger, disbelief, shock must be awful. I hope you have some supports around you.

And remember it is NOT your fault.

YANBU and you have my sympathy💐.
It could be worse as you say the property is in your name so that's one positive. The Labour Government is proposing to bring in a right to the property after cohabiting for 3 years!!!!
Can you afford the mortgage alone? Will you want to sell up and move back to be nearer friends and family. How will you share out the pets? Lots of questions so maybe best not rush into any decisions.

Sorry to read this and I understand how shocked you must be feeling especially if he was joking earlier.

You mentioned gyane issues, have you both discussed this as sounds like it has affected your sex life over the long term which from what you have said, has been frustrating for you. And for him too surely.

has he ever communicated his frustrationperceived unhappiness in your relationship?

I can see why you are upset, seems out of the blue if you haven't had any indication before.

Big hug 🌺

can I just say how sorry i am. I would say, with certainty that he has definitely met someone else. I know it’s awful and you are heartbroken but it is marginally better than being cheated on.

I would hightail it out of there. Walk and the path will appear. All the best x

Sell your house and make a fresh start. Maybe nearer London? It’s going to be tough to begin with, but there’s a wonderful life that you deserve waiting for you.

I will have to stay here at least for now, as the bills are just about affordable alone. No change of that in London.

The pets are staying with me, at least for now. He might make a fuss about them when he's settled. If he's in a hotel for now, he won't be allowed them.

Yep, I absolutely swear this was out of the blue. We have just finished paying off a holiday for later this year, and were high fiving each other, and making plans. Then concerts, birthday plans, everything was set to be looked forward to this year. US holiday planned for March, luckily nothing booked.

He's never talked to me about the lack of sex. Maybe I shouldn't have assumed he was OK about it.

You are in shock right now. It will get better.
It’s a lot to take in and you don’t even need to right now. Sitting on the floor sounds like a good place to be.

In the short term, make sure you have some nice food you like, splurge and order Deliveroo groceries if you haven’t got anything in and don’t want to go out. Tonight, sit on the sofa and watch a film with a blanket and a cat and a dog.

Thats it. No calling him. Crying as and when you feel like it.

There are a few more steps to go on this journey but today, it about stillnesss, letting waves of emotion come and go.

You are able to look after yourself through this. You will feel happy again. This is temporary.

I was writing while you were posting.

I think you may get some more clarity but probably not right now. As you say, in the morning you were joking, you have built a life together, you have a holiday planned and paid for. It doesn’t seem like the behaviour of someone planning to leave. Yet, he has a flat organised…I mean he has been secretive and deceitful…at the moment that is all you know for sure. I am so sorry you are going through this.

It’s quite drastic for him to go straight to a hotel. I couldn’t get rid of my exh for two years
after we separated and then he still wanted to come back. To me that suggests he has somebody in mind to join him at the hotel or he will be straight on the dating apps to get a shag asap.

It does sound like a shock to you so take your time to decide what you want to do going forward.

Maybe he isn’t ok with no sex and no possibility of children. Men also can have a biological alarm that goes off as they get close to realizing that window is closing. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

I've only read the op but my first thoughts are:

You are strong as hell to have come through all of that with or without him.

You moved once you can move again, sit down and decide where you want to be and what you need to get there? Sell house? Look for a job? Whatever it takes.

He says he's going? He can go. You're still standing! And will still be standing. It's painful as hell. I only had 1 serious relationship before my husband and the breakup is the only time before or since I've been so intensely heartbroken I've completely lost my appetite. Which is big! And bad!

Youve no kids(and if you've been through miscarriage I assume that's not entirely through choice and miscarriage and loss and infertility if that has been your journey are so painful so please don't think I'm minimizing that) and that means you need to have any time geographically to him.

Sit down, think about what YOU want from the rest of your life and move towards that.

I'm so sorry this has happened but there no point me or anyone else slagging this man off, he's left as he's decided his life needs to change, yours now does too and that's hard when you don't want it to but it's your only option now.

I'm sure OP said he's 40

I'm just feeling like, he can't ever have truly loved me. He didn't even raise this. Didn't speak to me, didn't say he was having any thoughts, nothing. No opportunity to discuss this.

He's almost 40 and I am 10 years older. I guess that age gap really hit as I've got older. Him 25/me 35 for example was fun and we were both still young, and me fertile.

I do take excellent care of myself with working out, I weight 8 stone, eat well, etc, but none of that can get rid of my fibroids or magic up a baby if that's what he wants. NB he's always said he never wanted kids.

Starting to see that what they insist is fact can change very drastically over the years.

I have had a lot of gynae issues and other health issues and have had stalls in our sex life and to be honest we BOTH found it hard. Not for the loss of sex directly but the loss of that very specific type of intimacy. And we've had over a year a few times without sex so I'm not talking the few weeks after child birth. I wouldn't want a sexless life, certainly not yet at 43. And if he doesn't want that and that's the type of relationship you need then you're no longer compatible. I'm so sorry about that. It's not something to feel guilty about though, it's conflicting needs. It does however sound like you've not considered his wants and needs at all and he's gotten to the point we all get to around this age of realizing we're more than half way through our time and our time gets more precious and we don't want to lose it or waste it

I think he's shit for texting you that after 15 years together. He's obviously been thinking about this for a while, taken steps like renting a new place, and decided to drop it on you with no warning. For whatever reasons, he's done with your relationship and ended it abruptly. He planned that because he wanted no argument or emotional pleas, that was a boom and he's out.

Does he usually act so decisively? Is he a two faced sort? Because he showed you one face while planning his exit and you had not a clue and then had the nerve to want a hug on his way out the door.

He may claim there's no one else but I think there's at least someone he's got his eye on.

He's a whole mindfuck there.

Take care of yourself, get your health issues taken care of. Do you have any friends you can talk to for support?

Adding re sex, if he had issues with you unable to have sex much or at all, he could have communicated that to you.