AIBU to feel blindsided after my partner ended our 16-year relationship?

[Blindsided2026]

Name changed for privacy.

While my partner of 16 years was at work yesterday, he texted to say he's come to the decision that he wants to leave me. He's already rented a flat, and will be staying at a hotel first for a few days.

I am 10 years older than him, cannot have sex at the moment because I have horrible gynae issues, which ARE being sorted, but it's dragged on for so long. Years. I try my best in that department but when you bleed 3 weeks out of 4, and your tummy is bloated with cysts, you don't feel sexy.

He said in the message that he's been with me since his 20s, is now 40, and can't do it anymore. He wants time and space to see what's out there.

I might sound calm but I am in absolute bits.

When he got home yesterday, it was only to pack and leave again. He was crying and wanted a hug. I told him to get the fk out. He'd clearly had time to process this. I hadn't.

He came back again today unannounced to pack more things, then left again. He's told me exactly where he's staying. He's worked out what he'll keep paying for at home.

In summary=

No kids, not married, a houseful of cats and dogs, and like I say, together almost 16 years. Been through miscarriages, parental deaths, milestone birthdays, losing one of our dogs, you name it. We train together, we just do everything together. I don't really have many good friends. House is in my name.

I left London and my family network for this man. I am now stuck up here in the north with zero support.

All I have done since he told me yesterday is sit on the floor.

Just, when will this get better, if ever? There was absolutely no sign anything was wrong. He's been happy as Larry! Even on the morning he went to work yesterday, we were joking and laughing. What do I do now?

He says there's no one else but made it clear he wants to date.

He obviously did want an acrimonious and tear filled ending, he was crying and asking for a cuddle.

Good. He's not worth it. Go forward knowing you can be number one in your life from now on! Apart from the furry folk x

Gosh, some posters seem very unkind and keen to stick the boot in! I’m really sorry you’re going through this OP, you must be in a state of shock right now. It’s not your fault you’ve been suffering with significant health problems, you sound like a strong person not letting them hold you back in terms of work and fitness. Whilst people do change over time and relationships end, he has been very cruel & cowardly letting you think everything was fine, even telling you he loved you that morning, then brutally ending such a long, seemingly committed relationship by text! Sure, he may have understandable reasons for wanting to move on, but the decent thing to do would be to discuss them, or at least explain them if his mind is already made up. It’s going to be a hard time for you OP; most of us can probably empathise, having experienced heartbreak at some point, but it passes. Try to take it easy for a while. You’ll go through a sort of grieving process. You’ve had lots of happy times together, but most relationships don’t last forever, and he’s not the right person for you at this stage of your life - that’s just how things go. You will eventually come to terms with things and come out stronger on the other side. If you can, reach out to family & friends who know you in real life; people online can be quite nasty - who knows what’s going on in their own lives to make them that way!

That's to make himself feel better and that OP doesn't have any hard feelings about being dumped by text after 16 years.

It doesn't sound like there's abuse of any kind going on nor is he in any possibility of physical danger from OP. He could give her the courtesy of communicating this in person.

Breaking up by text is usually advised when a partner could present a danger or become abusive.

This is one of the reasons allowing a co-habitee to buy into a property after three years is insane. If you want the rights marriage brings then marry or enter a civil partnership.
So sorry, OP. It must be dreadful. Gather yourself together and make sure you have sorted out anything legal that could boomerang on you. ❤

Your partner was in his 20's when you got together, he was young. He had limited life experience and was happy to go along with life. He's now approaching 40, and what he wanted in his 20's compared to now, has changed. He's matured and grown-up. Yes, I suspect the age gap, your gynecology issues and the lack of sex have played a significant part in his decision.

However, I don't necessarily believe your now ex, didn't ever not love you. I'm sure he did, but he's not that 20something lad, you first met, and his feelings have changed.

Of course it's possible he's met someone else or has feelings for someone else. He's clearly planned his exit, and I don't see him changing his mind. How he ended the relationship, by text is cowardly, and he should have had the guts to have had a conversation with you. He didn't, and you can't change that.

It's very easy for people to say 'move back to London'. Property prices are very expensive in London and the surrounding commuter belt. The OP, probably would be hard pushed to buy a studio flat in London, for the price of her property in the North....in a not so good area as well.

Do you come onto mumsnet just to put the boot in?

If it's attention you want, here it is. I'm giving you attention... 🥰

Wow. That is cold. He’d been sorting out the rental so he’s been planing this. What a see you next Tuesday.

He has zero empathy. He does not respect or care about you.

Im so sorry.

But now you know what he really is.

You have a shit year ahead of you but you will heal and you are better off without someone like this.

Look after yourself physically as much as you can so you can heal. Eat regularly and drink water. Try to get out in nature. Take comfort in your wits. And don’t let him
Have any of them!!

She's asking if it's more than 10 years? I'd also add was he under 25 when you got together? Because a 34 yr old with a 20 yr old is a huge gap while a 25 yr old with a 33 yr old is reasonable gap. While he was only just an adult that difference between an 8 yr difference and a 12 yr difference is huge.

He grew up more or less IN your relationship which is fine if you both do but different when you're 10 yr more grown up already.

To make himself feel better!!!

This happened to me too seemingly out of the blue.

There was someone else.

It was an absolutely horrendous time of my life and it took me a long time to get over it.

Huge hugs.

You need to give yourself time. He’s clearly had time to think things through and you haven’t. Sit and think about what you want.

You've had an enormous shock and will feel like this for some time. My only advice would be not to try and understand why he's done this, don't spend days/weeks/months trying to figure it out why because chances are that you never will. Take your time, grieve what you've lost and then when you're ready, face the future. It may be a different future to the one you saw, but it's still there waiting to be lived.

Not a man in history who left a healthy relationship to be alone.

Random thoughts that come to mind…

You prefer living where you are up North and yet you do not have any friends. Any - at all….. why? Clearly you are capable of maintaining friendships, given that you still maintain relationships with friends in London.

Your life seems to consist of working from home, taking care of your medical issues, looking after the pets, running, shopping and beauty treatments. Clearly you have a lot on your plate, but where is the fun, the things that give you joy?

You work 11 hours a day but only just manage to pay your bills. Are you sure your employer is paying you the going rate?

I live in an ex-Council flat in a very nice part of London. Worth probably a similar amount as your house up North. I’m close to lovely Commons, parks and the river. And the tube and buses - don’t need or want a car. I can get to museums, theatres and fancy shops in 30-50 minutes.

In your shoes I’d move back. A new start - plus your friends, access to the best teaching hospitals in the UK, so much to do……. take your mind off the shit that life has thrown at you.

Sadly they’re all usually adamant there’s no-one else. My experience was the same. No-one else til there was. He wheeled her out as a new GF three months after the split, when the reality was she’d always been there. They don’t want friends and family to see them as the bad guy. They want to control the narrative.

So sorry to hear that and I agree it must be hard to accept as it is just a shocking news with no red flags to even expect it.

Now what to do next in the first few days is to accept he didn't act with respect.
No respect for you.
It helps empowering yourself, because the first thing many women do is to blame themselves for not seeing.

But no, he acted like everything was fine, and honestly, only to his advantage, so he can avoid any hustle and leave all the negativity on you.

No one deserves to be left unexpectedly, a respectful adult would start discussing how unsatisfied he is, cry together, try a way to fix before packing away and even take that kind of distance. Even in jobs you get fired with a notice because you need to prepare for a change.

Please tell yourself " I'm not a loser and people owe me respect". Please convince yourself. It's a good place to start.

Now, regarding this extreme behaviour, I suspect he wants to start a new relationship and this is possibly a way to be "honest" he has chosen; rather than cheat on you, leaving straight away so technically it's not cheating.

Nevertheless, you'd deserve at least an adult conversation rather than this traumatic behaviour, where he avoids taking a mature stand on a difficult situation.

However, no matter what he does, he's cheated on you in a way, as he should have taken responsibility for this change and all the implications.

Just another note, a decent man won't leave because you can't have sex, possibly you don't know him enough, and it's certainly not your fault.

Please acknowledge he acted as a coward, with huge disrespect, maybe a first step to honour your life.

I'll send you a prayer and I apologise if I offended you, I'm trying to make you feel you are important ♥️♥️🙏

Break ups are always hard. Talking about it for weeks doesn’t make it any better. I’ve always been shit at break ups. The first one I ever did was dragged out and I ended up back with him because of the endless begging. Big mistake. Clean breaks are better even if it’s a shock for the one being left. Personally I admire anyone who can do it. Who knows why OP. Other than what he’s told you.

I’d also point you to the statistics of men who stay with women with a poor diagnosis versus t’other way round.

Its all very strange. Whatever his reasons he has obviously been planning/ thinking for a while. It seems like his mind is made up. Very unfair to you though as a healthy relationship should allow for discussion around issues and hooefully the potential to solve them.

I would take some time to process for yourself, it must be such a shock. I think the reasons will come out in the long run. You sound very independant, which is a huge plus right now. Be kind to yourself, you didn't deserve this xx

Sorry but he's got someone else or has his head has been turned.

I'm not saying that rules out all the other things people have mentioned but the speed of this, the need to stay in a hotel room, something has happened.

If it was ending for other reasons he'd have waited til the rental was ready at least. This is someone with an ultimatum elsewhere.

And the talk of dating is to cover it up.

I think you'd be better to prepare yourself for it. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

You sound strong and you'll come out the other side but give yourself time. Let yourself have time to cry but then try and book something in to visit a friend. Give yourself something else to focus on or take you out of the hole you are bound to be in right now xx

A man (or woman) who has been a sexless relationship for many years may think its health leaves something to be desired.

Some good points here that might not cut through now but might signal the way to a happier future in which you look back and see the sense in this shift now, as things will be better for you. It says a lot that you're happier at the London office and your friends/network are still in London. No doubt you can't take that in now, but something to consider when the initial shock wears off and you take control.

Could it be that he is having an affair with a work colleague, and today they have said something that has encouraged him to leave? Seems steange he was happy before going to work

100% spot on

Something isn’t quite making sense here

Go back down south if you can - doesn't have to be London, just somewhere you can visit London more easily.

I'm a southerner in northern exile too, and while I do like it up here, I'm sick of the shite weather and I miss my family - I think you'd feel better if you could be nearer your network.