AIBU to feel blindsided after my partner ended our 16-year relationship?

[Blindsided2026]

Name changed for privacy.

While my partner of 16 years was at work yesterday, he texted to say he's come to the decision that he wants to leave me. He's already rented a flat, and will be staying at a hotel first for a few days.

I am 10 years older than him, cannot have sex at the moment because I have horrible gynae issues, which ARE being sorted, but it's dragged on for so long. Years. I try my best in that department but when you bleed 3 weeks out of 4, and your tummy is bloated with cysts, you don't feel sexy.

He said in the message that he's been with me since his 20s, is now 40, and can't do it anymore. He wants time and space to see what's out there.

I might sound calm but I am in absolute bits.

When he got home yesterday, it was only to pack and leave again. He was crying and wanted a hug. I told him to get the fk out. He'd clearly had time to process this. I hadn't.

He came back again today unannounced to pack more things, then left again. He's told me exactly where he's staying. He's worked out what he'll keep paying for at home.

In summary=

No kids, not married, a houseful of cats and dogs, and like I say, together almost 16 years. Been through miscarriages, parental deaths, milestone birthdays, losing one of our dogs, you name it. We train together, we just do everything together. I don't really have many good friends. House is in my name.

I left London and my family network for this man. I am now stuck up here in the north with zero support.

All I have done since he told me yesterday is sit on the floor.

Just, when will this get better, if ever? There was absolutely no sign anything was wrong. He's been happy as Larry! Even on the morning he went to work yesterday, we were joking and laughing. What do I do now?

He says there's no one else but made it clear he wants to date.

10 years and 11 months ago I was in a similar place. Absolutely blind-sided by my boyfriend of 15 years. I also wfh and was left in the home we'd bought together. He swore there was nobody else, but there was in fact someone at work and they had their eyes on each other. I think he finished me so that he was free to pursue a new relationship. Unfortunately, him being free and single and living in a bedsit wasn't such an attractive prospect to her as he'd been before.

I was devastated. Didn't see it coming. We also had a holiday booked (about 2 weeks later I think!). We'd had sex the night before.

It was the toughest time I've ever been through, but it did turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I got a brand new social life (a friend told me to say "yes" to every invitation which I pretty much did, with some notable exceptions). I swore off men but by the New Year I'd accidentally met someone gorgeous and we're still together now.

I promise you, you will get through this and one day be happier and more content than you've ever felt.

I’m so sorry for you @Blindsided2026

You’ve been given some good advice on your thread, I don’t have much to add. Similar happened to me twenty five years ago, but we were married with three teenagers.

What I will say is: he was cowardly to send the text. A real man would do this face to face. Also, there probably is another woman, who he will miraculously ‘Meet’ in the next few months. Like my solicitor said when I issued divorce proceedings, “men don’t leave a wife, kids and a home to go and eat pot noodles in a bedsit, there’s someone else, she’ll crawl out of the woodwork within six months “ solicitor was right.

Well done being strong and independent enough to say you’ll never have him back. You’re stronger than you feel right now.

Focus on yourself, remember, you’re playing catch up, he’s had this mapped out for months. Probably why he’s seemed so happy recently, he’s seen his exit.

Can you take some leave and visit relatives in London? Get a friend or dog sitter to move in and look after the animals?

I was about your age when the wheels fell off. I’m happier now than I ever dreamt possible. You will be too. So take care, look after yourself and keep posting if it helps. So many of us have been in your shoes, we get it.

What doesn't make sense?

First of all OP, you sound like a strong and responsible woman. Look after yourself. Look at moving back to London, at areas you might not be familiar with. In London and the SE property prices have fallen in the last year, but risen in most of the North, so you might have more options than you think.

He doesn't need to have met someone else to have decided that the relationship is over. It sounds like he didn't ever want to discuss difficult things with you. Emotional immaturity maybe? It's irrelevant really; dissecting his reasons and methods will not help you rebuild your life. Ending it by text does sound cowardly, but honestly, was there any way for him to end it which you would have been happy with? For most of us, if we don't want to hear the news, there's no format that makes it palatable.

When my relationship ended, a friend who'd been in a similar situation said - ten good years is more than many people get. When the dust had settled, she was able to look back and be glad for the good relationship they'd had, before it ran its course. Please don't let your feelings of loss and abandonment now devalue the good years you had. That was real, and that was your life. It is not a crime for people to change or for their feelings to change, but my goodness, it can hurt.

Moved up north to be with boyfriend
Didn’t buy with him, didn’t rent with him, bought a home in her name
Years and years passed - didn’t make a single friend or life outside of her boyfriend
Has had medical issues for years that has meant sex off the cards but seemingly very little discussion between the pair.
Years ago boyfriend said he wasn’t bothered about children. Nothing discussed since it would seem.
Loves north better than south despite having zero life outside of home and all friends and family on South

it is just a bit odd

@Blindsided2026 did he never ask to maybe have a share of the property after years of living there with you? Did he pay rent?

If your life in the north is really as
empty as you convey here despite living in the north for many years - move back south to be with friends and family

I’m sorry op, that was
cruel of him. After 16 years you deserved much better than a text. Is there no one you can call to come be with you?

Definitely another woman, it will all come out in the end,obvs just wants a shag,because of your gyny problems, not that is in anyway your fault and a pathetic reason from him.but that will be top and bottom of it. Big hugs

You wfh from home exclusive but
I will guess he definitely didn’t?

@Blindsided2026
Look, I had a similar thing happened to me 6 years ago (he was 10 years older though)..... totally blindsided when he announced he didn't love me anymore 💔 and moved out.... there was no other woman, he was just a selfish prick, who put himself first, despite us being married.

You sound like you have your shit sorted, so chuffed the house is yours- his reward for not marrying you 💪👍
Get angry.....it took me a loooong time , I was sympathetic to him at first.... all these years on I realise what a selfish prick he is ....

Good luck....you sound like a decent strong woman- start being selfish- 100000% put yourself FIRST.....once you get used it, it's rather liberating x

Obv not as she and the dogs wave him off to work. What's the relevance?

So many dickheads on here. 🤣 OP you will be ok. Not now, but soon. Let him go. Tell people. Be gentle with yourself. 💐

Because she was having ongoing treatment. In sickness and in health yeah? Yep, not married but same concept, if you truly love someone you support them through hard times, you don't fuck off because can't get end away for a while. Sex is one part of a relationship.

I’m sorry. Echoing others he has met someone else and played along as if life was normal. Or he’s lost his mind. You’ll be okay. 🥹 you’re 50 not 80.

Not married
don’t own home a together
more than 10 years younger

he’s been out and about with people
much more likely affair than he’s just changed his mind
meanwhile op at home, working all day, alone, with no life beyond him

Within reason, sure. But this 40 year old man has had no sex with his girlfriend for maybe a decade. For all he knows, it might be another decade, or it may never happen again. Would some people accept this? Of course. Is he unreasonable to cut his losses and find a sexually fulfilling relationship, while he’s still relatively young and attractive? Absolutely not.

The weekend always shows MN at its worse 😐

Theres an active thread on here at the moment where someone is questioning leaving their husband who’s a good dad and man.. most reply’s are ‘leave’ you see how different this is when a man has left ‘he’s had his head turned’ … I know this happens a lot on here but there isn’t always another women is there?

maybe he’s going through some kind of mid life crisis, mental health, the list is endless.

Sure he’s a dick for ending things this way, but it’s unfair to put the idea of another woman into the OP’s head.

OP you will get through this, I promise you that x

Why are people minimising the awful, deceitful way he's ended things? Organising a flat while letting her pay for an upcoming holiday?! That's shocking behaviour.
And ending 16 years by fucking TEXT?!

A decade? Where did you get that from? Maybe..
Anyway, it's his right to leave a relationship for whatever reason he wants. I asked the OP not to blame herself, for being sick because it's not her fault if this was the reason.

And if he has never spoken to her about this like the OP said and she said she tried her best in that department then what more could she do? And no, I don't think he would've loved her for her if he leaves solely on the lack of sex. There are other ways to keep people happy in the bedroom... but then I don't think he had any respect for her either, who ends things by text?

And he has a mobile phone and can communicate via text. The man is a coward.

OP says years, but is cagey about how long exactly, so a decade probably isn’t that far off the mark. It doesn’t matter that it’s not her fault. Most healthy men would not want to remain celibate for most of their 30s, and perhaps remain so well into their 40s and beyond, particularly if they are in a relationship. It’s not fair to say that he doesn’t love her. Perhaps he wants children in addition to sex. No one would accuse a woman of not loving her partner, and having no respect for him, if he was unable to give her children and she left him for someone who could.

I’m devastated for you. For me it’s the deceit, telling you he loves you but already having sorted out a flat. Telling you it’s over and thinking he can pop by to get more stuff. He’s abusing your niceness to make himself feel like this was an amicable split and you’re still friends. I suspect he loves you but is not in love with you and this is about intimacy. I’m so sorry, stay strong. Sooner or later the truth will come out here.

After 16 years together he ends the relationship via TEXT ??!!
this is just so cowardly and disrespectful.