AIBU to feel blindsided after my partner ended our 16-year relationship?

[Blindsided2026]

Name changed for privacy.

While my partner of 16 years was at work yesterday, he texted to say he's come to the decision that he wants to leave me. He's already rented a flat, and will be staying at a hotel first for a few days.

I am 10 years older than him, cannot have sex at the moment because I have horrible gynae issues, which ARE being sorted, but it's dragged on for so long. Years. I try my best in that department but when you bleed 3 weeks out of 4, and your tummy is bloated with cysts, you don't feel sexy.

He said in the message that he's been with me since his 20s, is now 40, and can't do it anymore. He wants time and space to see what's out there.

I might sound calm but I am in absolute bits.

When he got home yesterday, it was only to pack and leave again. He was crying and wanted a hug. I told him to get the fk out. He'd clearly had time to process this. I hadn't.

He came back again today unannounced to pack more things, then left again. He's told me exactly where he's staying. He's worked out what he'll keep paying for at home.

In summary=

No kids, not married, a houseful of cats and dogs, and like I say, together almost 16 years. Been through miscarriages, parental deaths, milestone birthdays, losing one of our dogs, you name it. We train together, we just do everything together. I don't really have many good friends. House is in my name.

I left London and my family network for this man. I am now stuck up here in the north with zero support.

All I have done since he told me yesterday is sit on the floor.

Just, when will this get better, if ever? There was absolutely no sign anything was wrong. He's been happy as Larry! Even on the morning he went to work yesterday, we were joking and laughing. What do I do now?

He says there's no one else but made it clear he wants to date.

No one would accuse a woman of not loving her partner, and having no respect for him, if he was unable to give her children and she left him for someone who could.

I'd judge that. Not so much if he didn't want them, but if he also did and couldn't, and she left him, I'd question if she actually loved him.

You are right to feel blindsided and he was right to leave a relationship he wasn't happy in but he went about it in a really shitty way. My guess is he has been secretly unhappy probably for years and is also having a mid life crisis too. But the lack of intimacy is probably the deal breaker. It's not your fault at all. He's a coward for not bringing it up and trying to work on it.

He's of course allowed to end the relationship if he's unhappy but the way that he's done it is thoughtless and cruel. I'd put money on him having had his head turned, as they say.

OP I know you're reeling and hurting, give yourself time. You don't want to hang onto a relationship with someone who doesn't want it. You are better off single and you will get over this and be happy again.

Maybe now is the time to think about making some connections and taking up a hobby or exercise class, getting out and meeting some new people, making friends. Not immediately but something to think about in the near future. Working from home can be lonely and there's a whole world of social activities out there for you to get involved in. You sound smart, kind and like you have a lot to offer. You can make your life whatever you want it to be 💐

Well you're right to let him go.

He must mind VERY much about the lack of sex.
He has told you that he wants to sow his wild oats.
He has told you that he thinks you have been together too long.

He's free now to pursue 30 year old women, which is what he wants.
He wants younger women.

All this is why I would never, ever date a guy 10 years younger than me.

No one will ever convince me that the vast majority of younger men don't see older women as something to practice sex on.

When you say lack of sex, how little and for how long are we talking? I do wonder if you’ve buried your head in the sand about the issue a little bit? Is it all sex or do you still do other things?

Bleeding constantly is a really hard thing to move through imo. You have to put the effort into the intimacy in other ways. My endometriosis completely killed my relationship dead in the water with my ex.

I don’t think he ever thought he could bring it up properly to me because it was part of an illness. We only talked about it if I brought it up to him- and it was only then when reading in between the lines I realised how unhappy he was. I became my condition to him.

He is within his right to leave for any reason he wants but the way he’s gone about this is completely cruel.

You can get through this and you will, it will just take quite a bit of time. 1-2 years I would think. you have dogs and cats and they are better than having him.

It sounds like he may have someone else. But that’s by the by really. He’s treated you absolutely appallingly and shown what an awful selfish twat he is by wanting a hug whilst leaving you.

Keep going and you will get through.

This happened to four of my close friends, genuinely. They reached middle age and their husbands announced, out of the blue, they were leaving. The women had no idea. The men had all made preparations. Three of the women had kids, one didn't, all had been married between 15 and 25 years. There was various fallout, with finance, kids and moving. Some of the men were better than others at trying to keep supporting the women / kids but ALL of them had met someone else - because they'd been open to meeting someone else.

All those women went on to make new lives for themselves, and their kids have appreciated them. The women got new jobs or new qualifications or moved towns, got great social lives and all of them would now look back and say they are free of grief, no longer think about their exes really, and are a world away from that initial raw shock. Interestingly, they've all remained (happily) single.

How absolutely revolting of him to be loving towards you and an hour later announce his departure. I can’t imagine how much of a shock this is for you and I’m genuinely sorry that he’s done this to you.
The first few weeks will be the hardest while it’s so fresh so try and get as much support as you can, whether that be calling friends or speaking to your dr about getting some counselling to help you through this time.
You will get through this and come out the other side stronger xx

I’m so sorry. What a horrible shock. First of all, change the locks. He doesn’t get to keep waltzing back in after breaking your heart and shattering your life.
do Not let him back in, at any cost.

On paper yes

but I have read many a mumsnet thread where an op has been advised to do just that in cases where she’s worried about how her partner is going to react

While this is true, I've had years of ongoing gynae and digestive issues that get in the way of sex. As well as Mom sleeping children.buy we BOTH as soon as an opportunity arrives where everyone is rested and well and the kids are asleep, will be like randy teenagers. Now is that frequently? No. When the kids were babies and toddlers it could be less than once a month that the stars aligned. Now the kids are older it's more like once a fortnight twice a week. But if my gallbladder flares up or I have gynae pain it goes on the back burner for a few weeks, same when I had sciatica, when my husband had serious anxiety issues and reluctant ibs and eczema. You take breaks, you work round it. But someone taking it off the table altogether essentially with no end in sight is different. With us it's always 'the mind is willing, the body has given up on me' and we literally discuss that. Undoubtedly we both get on better when having regular sex.

I said that earlier and got crucified. And this is a relationship where she is the partner who is 10yr+ older, met her husband in his early 20s, owns property only in her name after 16 years. If the sexes were reversed and a man complained a woman did this we'd speculate on the reasons she felt she had to

OP I’m sorry to hear what’s happened but glad that you are in control of the house and your finances.

It could be worth having some counselling to help you process what appears to be a shock situation, and that you may never get to the bottom of “why”. I suspect that further down the line you will find more out.

Meanwhile, extract yourself from joint plans, figure out your finances and concentrate on yourself and your health. Join some groups, perhaps with the dogs, or based around a craft you enjoy.

Give yourself time to heal and to think about life going forward, perhaps as another poster has suggested, moving closer to London if you can’t afford to be in London. However, you can forge your own life where you are, and you will in time.

Take care of yourself.

Exactly.
Posters have jumped on him for doing precisely what is often advised on mumsnet

and he doesn’t even part own the property. The Op wholly owns it. Imagine what posters would be saying if the sexes were reversed!

Its not about what he has done but the way he has done it.

Telling someone you love them an hour before texting to say its over is a really crap way of behaving.

I agree. They rarely leave without having someone in the wings.

I reckon he had been waiting for the woman to say she was happy to move in with him/leave her partner/go ahead with a full relationship, whatever. As soon as he got that message, the green light, boom the text was sent to OP.

Im so sorry OP. Take all the time you need. Don’t make any hasty decisions about moving etc for quite a while. See how you feel in 6 months to a year and decide once you’re over the worst of this heartache.

Yeah that’s shitty from him. Emotional avoidance for sure.

OP can you get names changed on the holiday and take a friend?

But women who extract themselves from sticky or abusive relationships will often fawn on their partners before leaving. It can be a trauma response, a way of staying safe. Why is his situation not also seen through this lens? He did not want a fight, an argument, or to see OP’s hurt. Cowardice or fear? Either way he made his choice and its beside the point to criticize. No children, no shared assets, no marriage. He walked. As was his right to do when the relationship over.

I don’t think anyone’s said it’s not his right to leave the relationship if he wants to, but there is zero reason to assume it’s an abusive relationship, and OP has posted on here about HER perspective and experience, because she’s understandably very shocked and upset, and was hoping for a little compassion, support and solidarity. Clearly she’s barking up the wrong tree around here, unfortunately!

But then he was back later, crying and hugging her, so he wasn't that fucking worried. Just a coward.

Do those unsafe woman come back for a cuddle later that day?

There's quite a contingent of women on MN who are very weird about age gap relationships where the woman is older, but probably wouldn't even consider is much of a gap the other way round. There's been very much a vibe of how dare a 30 something woman get with a 20 something man. They are enjoying what they see as a justified punishment, and sticking the boot in.

I am definitely horrified by all age gap relationships where they are 10+ years and youngest partner under about 30. The imbalance is too big

Why? Once someone is 21 I don't think age gaps are anyone's business. They're adults.

You're saying this of us who are horrified wouldn't be if it was the other way round. I'm telling you how I feel about it and actually I'd be more horrified the other way round. I just can't imagine at 30 what you'd want with a 20 yr old. It's widely accepted men prey on much younger women as they as easier to manipulate etc.

It also means you're forever in different life stages as op has found out. She's menopausal he's become clucky.

The texting is unforgivable and cowardly. And yea, I can see why you'd think it's all been a lie... I can almost guarantee it hasn't but his feelings can change and he has the right to end things but the fucking text... What a shit. Just thankful you own your own house, that's one less rupture you'll experience. All that said, I am so sorry, this is awful and it's shocking especially when you had no sign. And do you know what, don't bother combing over it all and trying to find the signs... It's pointless and you need to take care of yourself. And change your locks. This is your house and he should ask before coming round. Popping in and out as it suits him and asking for hugs is just bullshit and he needs to fuck off with that. Eat properly and tell your friends IRL and ask for their help.