AIBU to feel blindsided after my partner ended our 16-year relationship?

[Blindsided2026]

Name changed for privacy.

While my partner of 16 years was at work yesterday, he texted to say he's come to the decision that he wants to leave me. He's already rented a flat, and will be staying at a hotel first for a few days.

I am 10 years older than him, cannot have sex at the moment because I have horrible gynae issues, which ARE being sorted, but it's dragged on for so long. Years. I try my best in that department but when you bleed 3 weeks out of 4, and your tummy is bloated with cysts, you don't feel sexy.

He said in the message that he's been with me since his 20s, is now 40, and can't do it anymore. He wants time and space to see what's out there.

I might sound calm but I am in absolute bits.

When he got home yesterday, it was only to pack and leave again. He was crying and wanted a hug. I told him to get the fk out. He'd clearly had time to process this. I hadn't.

He came back again today unannounced to pack more things, then left again. He's told me exactly where he's staying. He's worked out what he'll keep paying for at home.

In summary=

No kids, not married, a houseful of cats and dogs, and like I say, together almost 16 years. Been through miscarriages, parental deaths, milestone birthdays, losing one of our dogs, you name it. We train together, we just do everything together. I don't really have many good friends. House is in my name.

I left London and my family network for this man. I am now stuck up here in the north with zero support.

All I have done since he told me yesterday is sit on the floor.

Just, when will this get better, if ever? There was absolutely no sign anything was wrong. He's been happy as Larry! Even on the morning he went to work yesterday, we were joking and laughing. What do I do now?

He says there's no one else but made it clear he wants to date.

I’m so sorry to hear this. He’s behaving very badly in breaking up over text message, and in letting you believe he was happy with the relationship until the moment he announced he was leaving.

I don’t understand why you assumed he was okay with the lack of sex in your relationship. Presumably you both enjoyed having sex until your physical issues interfered, so why wouldn’t he miss that? My guess is that he felt it would be selfish of him to talk about missing sex when you were physically suffering. But…I mean, of course a man in his late thirties/early forties was going to miss having sex with his partner. That doesn’t mean you “owed him sex” or should have forced yourself to have sex when you didn’t want to. But I don’t understand why you didn’t realize that would be a difficulty for him.

Having said that, there are no excuses for how badly he’s treated you. He owed you a conversation to your face and just some basic respect as his longtime partner.

So late 30s? And looking at a sexless future? And that didn't seem like something to ask if he was ok with?

Interesting you should say that about your ex and not being able to get rid of him, did he eventually go when he met someone else?

My experience is that they only leave if there is someone else lined up. I’m sorry OP, I hope you can get back to where you have some support around you.

You said you’ve been through
miscarriages though so he must want kids? Maybe he’s realised his time is starting to run out for that.
Theres very likely someone else, it doesn’t matter what he ‘swears blind’, he will be desperate to come out not looking like a total arsehole and he’s already a proven liar. I went through very similar and it was like going through grieving in a lot of ways, try and be kind to yourself and don’t make any rash decisions. Reach out to anyone that can support you even if it’s just over the phone. Sorry you are going through this OP

She’s not married.

If we switch this around…female OP writes that she got together with her DP when she was in her twenties and he is a decade older. He has a health condition meaning they have not had sex for several years. OP is drained and no longer wants to be in the relationship so she is leaving. Response from MN would be “yes, you should leave and do not feel guilt tripped into staying with this man.

I suspect his head has been turned, but there’s nothing you can do about that.

Take really good care of yourself, you are injured and need time to recover. Use the time to plan out the rest of your life to be exactly what you want it to be. 💐

Well he eventually left after he stormed off during a mild disagreement. I was relieved as the separation had gone on so long.

A few weeks after he left he emailed me to say he had met someone online and had already told everyone. He sounded very pleased with himself. It didn’t last long though and ten years later he is still single 😐

The fact that he did it through text 😮!! What an arsehole.

He says there’s someone else of course but is there someone wise, of course.

No one just ups and leaves a relationship with a flat ready to move into just because they’re unsure of things. There would be months of signs and conversations etc.

Being this cut throat means he’s already got his next piece already in place.

I'm sorry x

Move back to london imo and work on recovery imo

Edit, maybe theres someone else. Sounds to me that hes just grown up op, who he was at 25 will ofc be different to who he is now.

He’s a coward OP. Pathetic given your history together. He made a unilateral decision to blow the relationship apart. No discussion, nothing. He’s within his rights to do this but wow, cold and heartless. A text….christ.

Concentrate on you OP. One step at a time. Tap in to your inner warrior. Concentrate on your health and your future. I’m furious on your behalf.

The grass isn’t always greener, he’ll likely find that out.

We frequently advise women in domineering relationships go get their ducks in a row and just get out safely and cleanly.

In this relationship there's a 10 year age difference, let's say he's 37, they've been together since he was 21 and she was 31. I'm not sure that's going to have been a balanced dynamic is it?

If this was the other way round and a man posted 'my 37 yr old wife has left me. Just messaged me out the blue yesterday to say she had a hotel lined up and would be by to pick up her things and here's how things would be divided, everything's in my name so I concerns there but I'm so angry she's not willing to accept my impotence in my 59s' there'd be a lot of guffawing and 'the divorce came out of nowhere' jokes

It's terrible that he texted you and had it all planned. No wonder you're in shock. But that doesn't rewrite the whole 16 years and people change a lot over those years. From 24 to almost 40, a man can go a long time happy without wanting kids and taking life as it comes but as others have said, alarms can kick in, and the age difference would be starker with your health issues no matter how well you've kept yourself. I'm your age and god it's hard, we change so much too.

Keeping up with a younger man without marriage or kids to keep you together would always mean there is a relatively quick way out if it stopped working for one of you. The house being in your name too implies the conversations weren't had about deciding to make financial commitments together, as they weren't about how the lack of intimacy was effecting you both. You say you moved your life up north for this man, but if he was mid-20s and you mid-30s at the time, then best to own that choice as something you wanted to do rather than his fault luring you up there on any false pretences. It sounds like you've had a happy home for the most part and weathered a lot of ups and downs together. He probably still loves you but has changed and compartmentalised it as he's made this choice to go, and is still immature enough to not have told you properly.

None of this is any criticism of you or something to regret, just to show that it doesn't mean he never truly loved you or that the good times were a lie, but that all relationships have checks and balances and if they go out of balance then things can change quite fast. And if he has this specific thing about not wanting to cheat, then he'd have to end it when he realised he wanted something else. Whether there's someone else or not, you're the one that matters now and it will hurt like hell as you get past the shock and start to adjust. Look after yourself, keep eating properly if you can and get support from people in real life - and on here. The relationships board is a good place for long-term help and understanding.

Why are you so confident that he's met someone else? I'm not saying he hasnt, but I do think there are other reasons people leave relationships. But every commentor is convinced.

Quite frankly I dont think he wants to deal with your medical problems. A lot of men just dont.
My last husband was 11 years younger than me and dumped me in my darkest days of medical treatment after a 20 year marriage.
He also didnt care for my menopause and just left with no notice one day and didnt come back.
Women tend to go out of their way to look after a sick partner. Men dont as a rule.
Its devastating for you though.
I didnt know who Id married any more.

You don't need to guess their ages, OP has already told you.

Also it's not the other way around so stop with the whataboutery 😂

Exactly. OP says her gynae issues have dragged on for “years”. So, this guy may have gone without sex for most, or perhaps all of his 30s, with no end in sight. I think the majority of people, male or female, would eventually get fed up with that situation.

Referred to herself as 50s, a 10 yr age gap and him being almost 40 so there absolutely is fudging and guesswork.

And as I've said I really sympathize with her, she must feel awful but it's can't be perfectly fine for a woman to plan and make a clean break and not ok for a man to do so.

Heartbreaking but also understandable, relationships end. Particularly when people are in different life stages completely

He may or may not have anyone else - some people leave for other reasons.

But, it was shitty of him, after 16 years, to tell you by text.

"I want to see what's out there" after 16 years is code for "I've been thinking about this for months and already have someone in mind." Don't wait around for him to come back.

You don’t sound sympathetic, you implied she’s domineering in the relationship and he’s done this to get out ‘safely’ and referenced impotence. You are being mean. The fact that things can be different if the sex’s are different is irrelevant to OPs situation, she’s heartbroken, and understandably so.

"I want to see what's out there" after 16 years is code for "I've been thinking about this for months and already have someone in mind." Don't wait around for him to come back.

I'm really sorry OP. Relationships are brutal. All the men I have known have been incapable of being in it for the long haul in mind, body and spirit. I think once they have checked out, and residual feeling and care they had for you just evaporates. He might or might not have had his head turned - it makes no difference really.

And finding yourself single at our age (I'm in the same boat) is really hard.

Take a long while to care for yourself. Lean on friends. If you don't have close friends, when you're able to, get out there are make some. All women walking groups are good for this. Surround yourself with supportive women. All the best x

I'm genuinely not trying in h to be mean, scroll back, I've so much sympathy. What I don't think is helpful is to condemn someone for ending a relationship in what sounds a fairly reasonable way. Aside from the text message everything else is as straightforward as possible. Recognises he's no claim on the property on her name, organise his own accomodation immediately, came and picked up his stuff and attempted to have some kind of affectionate ending, has looked at how to keep paying his share of the costs of running the homes.

Yes it's a bit crap that he may not want to deal with her health issues etc but if that's the case what's the point of the relationship anyway? If it's over. It's over.