AIBU to feel blindsided after my partner ended our 16-year relationship?

[Blindsided2026]

Name changed for privacy.

While my partner of 16 years was at work yesterday, he texted to say he's come to the decision that he wants to leave me. He's already rented a flat, and will be staying at a hotel first for a few days.

I am 10 years older than him, cannot have sex at the moment because I have horrible gynae issues, which ARE being sorted, but it's dragged on for so long. Years. I try my best in that department but when you bleed 3 weeks out of 4, and your tummy is bloated with cysts, you don't feel sexy.

He said in the message that he's been with me since his 20s, is now 40, and can't do it anymore. He wants time and space to see what's out there.

I might sound calm but I am in absolute bits.

When he got home yesterday, it was only to pack and leave again. He was crying and wanted a hug. I told him to get the fk out. He'd clearly had time to process this. I hadn't.

He came back again today unannounced to pack more things, then left again. He's told me exactly where he's staying. He's worked out what he'll keep paying for at home.

In summary=

No kids, not married, a houseful of cats and dogs, and like I say, together almost 16 years. Been through miscarriages, parental deaths, milestone birthdays, losing one of our dogs, you name it. We train together, we just do everything together. I don't really have many good friends. House is in my name.

I left London and my family network for this man. I am now stuck up here in the north with zero support.

All I have done since he told me yesterday is sit on the floor.

Just, when will this get better, if ever? There was absolutely no sign anything was wrong. He's been happy as Larry! Even on the morning he went to work yesterday, we were joking and laughing. What do I do now?

He says there's no one else but made it clear he wants to date.

I agree.

It's hard but your relationship has run its course.

At least you can now deal with your gynae issues in private, I do feel for you over those, it must be awful but it will be easier on your own- and do insist that something is done for you, even if it is a hysterectomy. You'll feel better when no longer bleeding..

Think positively. He is leaving your home, you still have it so you have choices.

When you are on the road to recovery, think seriously about whether you want to stay put or return to where you came from. Don't do anything hasty, places change so go and visit a few times.

Do you have an interesting job? That helps.

It's not easy when you have loved someone for twenty odd years; I doubt it is easy for him. However things will improve, you'll find yourself and learn to appreciate yourself again.

Good luck.

flats in London are very cheap now I’d move back if This is where your friends are there is so much going on it’s a great place to be single and good hospitals for your old age

Op my heart goes out to you - what a dreadful thing to happen

I’d say there’s another woman

The next few months will be painful but you will get through this

Literally.

That very morning, yesterday, when he left home for work, I brought the dogs to the window, and we waved him off, which we do every morning. He always waves back and beeps the horn gently, which he did yesterday. He didn't look upset or full of guilt.

Then when he got to work, he texted "arrived! Love you!"

The text must have come no more than 1 hour after he arrived.

It seems on here that sympathy for a relationship break up is sometimes conditional on whether the other person was reasonable to want to leave the relationship, which is ridiculous.

A relationship break up is shit full stop, and on top of that it can sometimes be done a in an unnecessarily cruel and deceptive way, as in this case, AND at the same time it can have not been unreasonable for the other person to want to end things. Both of the first two still make the OP deserve sympathy and they're not outweighed by the third!

The OP shouldn't have to go through an interrogation about whether she tried hard enough or talked enough about their sex life before being given sympathy for what's happened.

Sounds like he loves you and really cares for you so couldn’t face doing it face to face. I suspect the lack of sex coupled with a widening age gap ( they become greater the older you get I find) probably has turned you into more friends than lovers in his eyes and he wants some passion while he is still young. It’s always a risk when the women is older , seen it happen time and time again.

I would wonder what spooked / made him have this life-changing wobble. With everything you've said, it seems something happened that shook his sense of normal, whether it was a growing sense of unease or a sudden impact. It doesn't make what he did right, by any means.

You'd have to stand back and assess this situation without letting emotion get in the way. Would it help to have the conversation, with a third party / councillor in attendance, so you and he know what this is all about so you (and he...) can understand the situation and decide next steps? Or do you just want to cut ties without this?

You have to do what's right for you and to safeguard yourself. I'm sorry that this has happened, and hope you come out the other side knowing you're true to yourself and who you are. Not easy with so much that life has thrown you. Sending hugs

So if the ages don't tot up, that's why, but the ages are very nearly as I describe them.

more or less than 10 years?

Since moving to be with him… have you carved out a life outside of him? Friends? Colleagues, social life?

I am sure the OP is in absolute bits trying to figure this man out, and why he left so suddenly having been full of normality an hour before. The disbelief at his behaviour must be awful.

However, I do feel it is fruitless trying to analyse men like this. It is a total waste of emotional energy. He did it this way, it's done, OP is devastated, shocked, knocked sideways, but trying to figure out why it happened is not going to change anything.

In time, OP might formulate a plan for herself and try and keep him out of any post mortem. Of course that's not easy, but onwards and upwards - eventually, is the only way. He will not be back.

Everyone always has other options, someone they can moan to that will plant seeds of how their life will be better without their wife.
You weren’t looking for signs as were wrapped up in your health issues. Hopefully once your health is sorted you will see life is better without him.

He actually moved to London first to be with me. He hated it, so we looked for a house up north. Rented for a bit, then decided on here as it was near his mother. How stupid do I feel now. I won't be talking to any of them again, yet will be in close vicinity to all his family. That's a lonely place to be.

Re the ages, yes, more or less. I was trying not to be outing, but I think if he saw this, he'd know full well it was me by all the other info :)

I've kept up with friends mostly on WhatsApp. I don't really go out much, but when I do, it's to the huge shopping centres and beauty salons they have here. I also run quite a lot (not so much atm due to the bleeding getting worse).

Work is good, I wouldn't say interesting but I like it, it's a lot of planning and organising which helps focus my mind. When I do get to the London office I have an absolute blast.

Try and think of the positives. The house is yours. He's gone without a fuss. He's got somewhere else.

You can make a fresh start. 50 isn't old. You can focus on all the things you didn't do because of him even though you wanted to. It could be a really positive phase.

If he no longer loves you it's for the best you part ways. Trying to force him to stay or reignite his feelings will only prolong your feelings of dependency on him.

One thing I resolutely know, and this has come with age, is that I will never take him back, and will never, ever beg. This is it for me. He will not be getting begged to stay.

Oh, blindsided, I’m so sorry this has happened. You will get through this, I promise. I do think that you should prepare yourself to hear there is another woman in the mix. IMO men rarely leave relationships without someone else in the wings.

But in terms of your life in the north… you have t made any friends? You don’t socialise or do anything outside of him and the house?

The lack of sex and the age gap (which always becomes more apparent as you get older) are things he's been seriously dwelling on and can no longer reconcile OP. Lots of men suddenly walk out, just as yours has. Whereas most women do their very best to discuss any issues, men take the "easy" way out. It's very common indeed. And, I hate to say it, but he may have already met someone else or have someone in mind.

You've said you prefer the North to London but you've also said you love when work takes you to London and that you have friends in London. When the dust has settled a bit I'd explore whether selling up and buying a flat in London is maybe not such a terrible idea.

you sound bitter ! or he may have just decided he doesn't want this live anymore, not everyone is a cheat !

To be fair to him, if he's leaving, at least in part, due to being in a sexless relationship, he's hardly likely to ask you to take him back.

Sympathies to you.

This sounds traumatic and head-swimmingly awful but hang on in there. There's always someone about on Mumsnet to talk to.

It sounds like he’s been supportive and understanding but everybody has their limits, and it seems as though he’s finally hit his ceiling.

You said your sex life is nonexistent and it’s been like that for a long time - while sex isn’t the be all and end all, it’s a huge part of a relationship and intimacy is so important.

I can’t think of any man I’ve ever met that would be happy staying in a sexless relationship with no end in sight.

If friend of his even old school friends are suddenly all married and having babies it can be a sharp slap in the face.

Not often will I say this but a man dating an older Women with no children and no chance of children will often leave once they decide they want children.

It’s within the same story of the men that date a women for two decades playing them and wont marry or have babies but then on the next relationship are engaged and she is pregnant within 6 months to a year. They realise what they want and do it and with you it wasn’t possible/you weren’t the one.

But what else is one to do? I mean its not a negotiation its not a discussion. He presumably is done. He doesn’t want an acrimonious or tear filled ending. He doesn’t want to have her do the pick me dance.

If it were me leaving I would feel the same way. I wouldn’t want to put my ex in a false/painful position of hearing me describe why I was leaving and then eithet choosing pleading or a dignified acceptance. Frankly I have always thought a text or a letter a way if helping the one who is left save face. They an process alone and feel what they feel.

If its over its over.

He's hitting middle age and he's rethinking his life and arranging it how he wants in the future. He's had an older partner who has had health issues for a few years now which means they can't have sex.

It sounds like there's a combination of factors that have led him to this decision to leave. Whether it's lack of sex or more health issues down the road and it's somewhat common for men to leave when their partners have health issues or deciding he does want kids, he's done.

He's avoidant in that he avoids honest discussion about how he feels about their issues.

It's the way he's done being done that sucks so badly. He's lied when OP has tried to communicate with him toand put on a complete front all while renting a place and planning to leave and no discussion, just a text. It's very cold.

OP you are right to say you will not beg him to return...keep your dignity...he will miss you and the pets ..let him struggle with that. I wish you well and sorry this has happened to you. 50 is the new 40 these days. Try to visit London for work more often it sounded from your post you had a good time when there