Ex partner introduced our son to a “friend he’s taking things slow with”

[Pinkie89]

Ex partner introduced our son (7) to a “friend he’s taking things slow with”.
AIBU to think this is abnormal and concerning? Honestly I’m so angry and he’s completely betrayed my trust. I asked him out right who this girl was 2 weeks ago after my son mentioned her and whether it was someone he was dating and he said no it’s a friend, a few days later he’s posting her on Instagram and evidently she’s not just a friend.
I don’t think he’s known her long, they spent the last 2 Saturdays together, with my son. In my eyes that is not taking it slow and he shouldn’t be introducing him to people he’s know 5 mins! He’s done this once before and it ended within a month and my son is still upset he doesn’t get to see her dogs… 2 years later! Now he’s excited about this ones cats! My mum introduced me to lots of men which really wasn’t nice so I don’t know if this is clouding my judgement? But I would never introduce him to someone I was “taking it slow with”.

You either trust his dad to keep him safe. Or you don’t. It’s his son too. He’s his parent. He’s allowed to make decisions. And if you don’t think he can keep your son safe then you need to look at the arrangement.

my ex has no idea what goes on in my life and nor do I his. We don’t have each other on social media. I trust him to keep our children safe…

I have and I cannot find a single post asking how many children I have, let alone many posts. Nor can I find other posts asking for my child’s ages and my entire relationship history.

I’m not going to tell you all of that information because it could be outting, it in no way impacts the actions of his father, and is in no way relevant to whether these actions were reasonable which was the entire point of this thread that has been derailed.

However, you can pretty much work it out using the information I have given you.

This is also entirely irrelevant and again derailing the actual purpose of this thread. However, I did not know he wasn’t interested in his first child when we were together. I trusted what he said when he said his child’s mother was difficult, which was partially true. He had a relationship with her whilst we were together, although not towards the end. Yes there were red flags I ignored, I should have questioned his relationship with her more, but I have learnt from it and I am now less naive.

There is absolutely nothing you can do about what your ex does on his time with your son, unless it's life threatening.
The best you can do is educate your son about shifting relationships and friendships in age appropriate ways.
If you make a big deal about things your ex does your son will eventually learn to keep quiet about his time with his dad and then you may actually miss something important especially when he enters his teens.

op,

I'm really sorry that people on this thread are being absolute dicks to you. I completely understand why you would be concerned about this as it is a safeguarding issue more than anything. Your ex does not know this person and it doesn't really set a good example for your son if ends up witnesses numerous women coming to and from his dad's house. I'm sorry you are going through it, although I'm also sorry to say that it is something you will need to accept, since he has parental responsibility xx

The problem is, if I introduced our son to someone I’d been dating 2 weeks and had them sleeping over in a one bed flat after 4 weeks I would fully expect them to think that was unreasonable and talk to me about it.

Maybe I’ve not put my points across well in an attempt to keep up and quickly reply but I haven’t told my ex what to do/not to do. M I’ve simply told him my concerns and that I would have liked to have been told. We get along well, that wouldn’t be the case if I micro managed him.

I'm not making it sound like anything, maybe you're jealous, maybe you're not.
I understand you'd like your son to only meet women your ex is serious about, maybe he thinks she's the one, maybe she's an amazing person. My point was you can't control what goes on when your son is with him, you made a baby with him and he's entitled to parent as he sees fit when your son is there. I've been there, I didn't like who my ex got with after me but it wasn't my choice. It is better to detach yourself as much as possible in my opinion. You're following his socials and you're friends, well have a chat with him then. Sounds like a recipe for stress you seeing what he's up to.

Yes I fully appreciate this. I don’t want my son to ever think he can’t talk to me or tell me things. All I’ve asked him is what he’s done on the weekends and asked if she was nice. He was unaware of everything else and will remain so. If it doesn’t work out it will be down to his dad to explain.

I bet this thread is full of comments saying it's none of your business who your ex shacks up with and how quickly he embeds them in your kid's life while you'd be told you were a neglectful disgrace for introducing him to a man within 5 years of meeting him....

Your ex is of course allowed to have a love life.

But I would question the wisdom of confusing your son by introducing to him someone who is not even at the moment a proper girlfriend and/or someone he lives with.

'A friend he is taking things slow with' just sounds like a friends with benefits and there is no need for her to meet your son.

I have no idea why people on this thread are being so harsh on you.

My ex had a sort of honeymoon period with our daughter just after he left. Just the two of them and him giving her his full attention which was lovely all round. It didn’t last long. Soon his attention was back on all the things which had caused our relationship to break in the first place and our grown up daughter is suffering psychologically from his neglect in particular which has had an impact on her self esteem, her relationship choice and her attachment style. She felt sidelined and couldn’t process those emotions as a child. There’s a lot to recommend that new girlfriends or boyfriends don’t have to share time with the partner’s young child in the early stages of a relationship. Childhood is so brief and yet everything that happens in its duration has an effect on the adult self. Could you have a word with him about this OP? Encourage him to have one to one quality time on the days that he is with your son?

Not sure why you're getting so cross. A friendship can become taking it slow and more very easily so not sure I'd say he lied.

Introducing a female 'friend' is fine too.

I think you’re getting a hard time here, OP. Your feelings are totally understandable.

I also think your values are spot on. But your ex has different values and sadly there’s nothing you can do about that.

it’s totally crap to be introducing dates to a child after a few weeks. Not sure how much time he spends with DS but if it’s something like EOW then it’s sad that he isn’t doing that 1:1.

You’ve told him why it matters to you and hopefully he will listen.

Really irresponsible. Just because he can doesn't mean he should. I'm only just very slowly introducing my kids to my boyfriend of two solid years.

Well it's not my job to go point out the multiple posts. If you can't read that's another thread first another day.

You seem to be more than happy to condemn your ex, despite you bringing multiple kids into the world with multiple men in fairly quick succession and a step-sibling you barely knew in the mix too.

It's not derailing at all. It's pointing out that you chose this man... and chose for him.to father your youngest knowing he wasn't stepping up with his other child. You brought him into your older child's life at a young age knowing he was already a half-arsed Dad. You saying you believed him that his ex was difficult doesn't really make sense... a good dad would have fought for his kid. Even now, he doesn't contribute to his child.

We all know that it's shit parenting to introduce a partner after a few weeks.... but unfortunately you can't do anything about it.

Spot on 👏🏻 I can tell you’ve been here before 😆 I’ve quickly learnt my lesson and I’m a little shell shocked and actually questioning my own judgement and sanity!

Does your son think she's nice? Is he happy at his dad's. Either of you could meet someone, have a long relationship then split up which could upset your children more. Do you even know if she sleeps,over or where your son sleeps. At some point in the future you'll both have to meet new partners.

Ohhh we’re going there are we…. Multiple kids by multiple men. I should’ve seen that one coming really. Let’s get real, I’ve had 2 relationships and 2 kids in 2 decades.

You’ve made some big assumptions there haven’t you, unfortunately they’re not true so your points aren’t valid.

I would continue but I don’t care to argue with someone that judges someone for having “multiple kids by multiple men”.

I'm not judging you for having multiple.kids by multiple men... I'm judging your choice to have a child with a subpar father and then complaining when he is acting subpar...

You’re getting annoyed with people but you picked him.

Of course I know because I’ve been stalking him on Instagram… it couldn’t possibly be because he’s told me because I surely can’t have a healthy relationship with my ex whereby we communicate 🤭

Two weeks ago they may have been just friends.
Either way it really is none of you business.

Oh trust me I know I picked him, and like I said I’ve learnt my lesson and I’m remaining single 😅

I’m not at all angry about my choice 8 years ago. I can’t exactly go back in time and nor would I because I wouldn’t change my son for the world.