Ex partner introduced our son to a “friend he’s taking things slow with”

[Pinkie89]

Ex partner introduced our son (7) to a “friend he’s taking things slow with”.
AIBU to think this is abnormal and concerning? Honestly I’m so angry and he’s completely betrayed my trust. I asked him out right who this girl was 2 weeks ago after my son mentioned her and whether it was someone he was dating and he said no it’s a friend, a few days later he’s posting her on Instagram and evidently she’s not just a friend.
I don’t think he’s known her long, they spent the last 2 Saturdays together, with my son. In my eyes that is not taking it slow and he shouldn’t be introducing him to people he’s know 5 mins! He’s done this once before and it ended within a month and my son is still upset he doesn’t get to see her dogs… 2 years later! Now he’s excited about this ones cats! My mum introduced me to lots of men which really wasn’t nice so I don’t know if this is clouding my judgement? But I would never introduce him to someone I was “taking it slow with”.

Of course not, but I do expect him to have known them for longer than 2 weeks.

so your ex has the right to tell you you are not allowed to have friends or even a boyfriend that will go in contact with your child? really?

You don't think you can be trusted on not shoving your kid in the arms of a predator?

Are you expecting your son to be 18 years old before his dad is allowed to date?

So, in the interests of the child’s safety, OP can demand her ex doesn’t date anyone, or introduce them to her child without her approval? And her ex can do likewise? How could this be enforced?

You can “expect” anything you like, but you’re not entitled to insist upon it.

The first thing I would do is apply for CMS, not because of the girlfriend, but because £30 a year is an absolute disgrace. I would do that right this second personally as it can take a few months to set up, I wouldnt care ehat he thought.

Sadly, there is nothing you can do about him introducing your child to every woman he is in a relationship with, even if hes only known them 2 weeks. Thats not to say its not unreasonable in my view, but sadly he can introduce your child to whoever he wants. Of course if there are safeguarding concerns then thats a separate issue. My ex did the same and introduced our little boy to the woman he was having an affair with very, very quickly after he ended our relationship, but thankfully our child was too young at the time to care (and now he no longer sees our child, his choice as hes moved 5 hours away with this woman and has had no contact with me/our child in months) Its hurtful when you wouldnt behave the same way if you met someone, but legally there is nothing you can do.

Yanbu to be annoyed. Some of the 'so what' replies are a bit disingenuous - if a mum introduces a new boyfriend within a few months and spends entire days of her time with the kids including this person, she gets told its too soon. Of course its not ideal to have a very new girlfriend suddenly spend lots of time with his son.

But agree that there isn't anything you can do about it really.

Of course. But it isn’t advice; it’s a fact evidenced by a fairly substantial body of research. If he didn’t give a shit about the interests of his child that would be very telling, wouldn’t it?

Statistically, your ex has more to worry about by you introducing a new man to your son than the other way round. YABU.

Perhaps, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s purely a decision for each parent, with zero input from the other. Unless you’re suggesting these are grounds to withhold access?

You are not friends.
You don't have a mature relationship.
He doesn't put his child first.
He can't even pay for his child and you can't even raise this with him as unacceptable.

Stop following him on Insta . Separate your lives. You live yours and let him live his.

As hard as you find it accepting this, his dad is entitled to make his own choices. If that appears to be upsetting your son that's when you have a conversation and not before

That's not what I am saying, but you know that anyway.

That's why people have campaigned for Sarah's law isn't it?

No I don’t think it’s grounds to withhold access (on the information we’ve been given, anyway). I think it’s grounds to think he’s selfish and irresponsible though.

Of course I’m the jealous ex for raising concerns about my son.. how predictable.

I can assure you I wouldn’t go back there in a million years, spending a few hours with him on the odd occasion is more than enough. I do not want a man child, that can’t pay his way (would rather gamble his money than pay bills or spending it on our son), recently borrowed money off his mum and has been ignoring her for 2 months because he’s not paid it back, sells our son the dream to let him down, doesn’t see his other child (blamed the mum, saw her for me, now he hasn’t seen her since we broke up), doesn’t pay anything towards his din (apart from £30 on two occasions in the 6 years we haven’t been together), when we were together he would get mad when I went to the gym or had male friends. I could go on and on but does that sound like a catch to you? Because it sure as hell doesn’t to me! So I can assure you everything I have done to maintain my friendship with him is for my sons sake, I don’t want him having the life I had… no father and many of my mums “friends” popping in and out.

it doesn't really help your narrative,

YOU picked him in the first place, not us!😂

I do completely understand where you are coming from and I have been in a similar situation with DS dad. In the past few years there have been multiple different GFs introduced, and with the first couple, I felt very similar to you. However, I have learnt that I can't control what he does, and if he decides to introduce someone after a short period of time, then I can't stop that. I did just ask that he introduces them as friends and keeps it as that until it became serious. (We had one who was referred to as step mum after a month). It was causing me huge amounts of anxiety, as I truly didn't (and still don't) think it was in my son's best interest. And it's not something I have, or would do.
I found a lot of peace after realising that I can't control it and just requested parameters that were reasonable. Mine are:

1. He introduces them as as a friend.
2. I would only get involved if there was something that was negatively impacting my son and causing him upset.
3. I am involved if/when they decide to live together so we can handle the transition as a collective.

I would then afford him the same courtesy with any of my relationships. You can only control the way you parent. I feel for you, it's really really hard as you just want to protect your child. But this is the hard part of having to co-parent when you don't agree with their decisions. Go easy on yourself xx

I expect a great many people think their ex is selfish and irresponsible, or some variation thereof, whether it’s deserved or not. That, in itself, is not particularly helpful.

My ex did something similar, involving DD in information she didn't yet need to know about a new possible relationship. Introduction to new relationships that then come to nothing can be emotionally challenging so I completely get your frustration. Especially if you, like me, are the main one to pick up the pieces.

I do think your justified in feeling annoyed and the past relationship and fallout your son experienced is obviously putting you on high alert. However, I also don't think there is much you can do but be there for your son if he is impacted

Unfortunately, if you are not together, you have very little if any control over what the other parent does. YANBU to be concerned but apart from having a conversation with your ex, there's not much you can do about it. Try not to let it eat away at you - the most important thing is that your son has a good, consistent relationship with both parents.

Some moral relativism here. You tell the truth and don’t use other people as excuses not to.

Anything else lacks morality …especially about your shared children

Oh I know 😅 I have learned a lesson! One which I am very grateful for because my son is amazing and I couldn’t imagine life without him.

I haven’t read the full thread but I always find some of the responses saying “it’s none of your business” really odd

It impacts your child so it is your business. No you can’t stop him or control him. If he chooses to make unwise decisions that potentially have a negative impact on your DS then unfortunately there isn’t much you can do about it. But a good co-parenting relationship works on you both having your child’s best interests in mind (even if the idea of what differs) and communicating on them. I would absolutely expect him to tell you the situation and his plans. You can’t change them if you disagree, but he should tell you

You need to be briefed so you can be available for your DS if he wants to talk about it or has reactions, positive or negative

This kind of stuff is hard OP, I get why you are annoyed. I wouldn’t want a carousel of women parading through my child’s life either

If you do have a great relationship with him still then why not have a conversation with him about it? I don't think you're going to be able to stop him doing it but you can give it a go. It is possible that he's met a good woman who will find she can be a good, kind step-mum to your son . Think you can try to think more positively for now.