To think long term affairs are like a form of fraud really

[paddleboardingmum]

Or a scam or something? Yet another of my friends has been cheated on (long marriage, teenage kids) in a situation where he's been in an affair for years. By doing that you're not only living a lie but really it's conning the other person isn't it? I'm not saying it should be a crime as such, just thinking about the deceit factor with this type of situation.

I’ve been cheated on by my previous dh. It causes actual physical pain. It also leads to divorce which for me was very financially detrimental. It’s so widespread because there are no sanctions. Not really even societal. I agree it couldn’t be criminal but the effects are so huge and long lasting on the victim I wonder if there may be a civil remedy such as to sue for damages.

I think the level of deceit and lying involved in conducting a long term affair must require the coldness of a psychopath actually.

When the spouse finds out about the betrayal and realise their whole relationship has been a lie and they married to a person they really didn't know it must be truly devastating.

It does seem like it breaches sexual consent because your spouse doesn’t know the reality of the person they’re supposedly consenting to sleeping with.

In the US there is something called 'Alienation of affection' where a spouse can sue the other woman/man. There are all sorts of rules of course, and I don't suppose it happens in all states.

Maybe we should have something like that here, although of course it doesn't solve the issue of a lying twat of a husband going out looking for an affair.....

Yes I think so too. An old friend found out that her husband had been having an affair for 12 years. TWELVE YEARS. She had a nervous breakdown because she couldn’t work out what was real and what wasn’t real any more. She’s had to give up her job. The two oldest children have disowned their dad and the youngest now has an eating disorder. Just because he couldn’t stop himself from sticking his dick in another woman. He should have ended his marriage before doing that.

Oh my goodness @DosPerros
That is just horrendous for your friend and her DC.
It is certainly morally criminal that another human being can wreak such devastation even if legally it isn't.

It will prevent those who would eventually admit it from admitting it.
I know of someone where it has caused financial devastation, not sure what the answer is.

Yes, fraud is a good way of putting it. My ex had an affair for 2 years. His self employment allowed him the freedom to conduct the ffair during the day so he came home on time at night. I only foind out at the point the business had been damaged beyond repor by his lack of work. 18 years later he is a very unhapppy man, unpleasant in the extreme although remarried.

It destroys people. It's great what the morally corrupt scumbags get what they deserve though.

The trauma caused by deceit and betrayal really affects people’s mental health long term.

That’s without the financial impact taken into account.

I think it's possible to love more than one person simultaneously and I don't think monogamy works for everyone and it's very difficult to fit those people into post Christian monogamous societies.

I know ideally those people should make a choice or live without commitment at all but that's maybe easier said than done. I think usually it's extreme compartmentalisation rather than psychopathy.

I don't know what I'd do if I found out I'd been oblivious for years, it would be completely awful but it doesn't actually change the good things you've experienced together. They still happened.

It’s the lying. They lie to get out of the house and they lie to get back home

every day is lie

One of my (single) friends has been having a relationship with a married man for over 20 years. I've met him several times, he is very charming, sociable etc. I have no idea how he does it. He must completely compartmentalise his life.

I also can't believe his wife doesn't know. I think she must be turning a blind eye to preserve the marriage.

I honestly can't understand how people can keep up the pretence of long term affairs, to carry on with their day to day life and pretend all is fine and dandy with family and friends when they have this complete other life going on in the background.

Freinds of ours, who like us are in their early 50's have just spilt. They had been together since they were at secondary school, I honestly thought their marriage was for the long haul and better than most I know. It transpires she has been having an affair for the last 8 years. He knew nothing of it, thought she was going to aqua-aerobics twice a week, she would even return home with wet hair and wet swim wear. The OM was also married with two young children, the affair started before his youngest was born. I don't know how they could have carried on for all this time. It must take a special kind of conniving arsehole to pull off a long term affair.

My neighbour (male and single) used to have a local married woman visit him most lunchtimes, as soon as she arrived his bedroom curtains would shut. This went on for the full 10 years he lived there. She is still with her husband and I wonder if it's still going on (neighbour moved to the next village where she lives).

It happens all the time, an age old problem that will never stop, lots of very deceitful people around, even those who you'd never think would be capable of doing so (yes, looking at you dsis).

I don't think anyone here is saying everyone should be monogamous. More that you shouldn't claim to want a monogamous relationship if you don't really. There is a chasm between ethical non monogamy and non-ethical fake monogamy. The second one takes away equity and choice from the actually monogamous partner.

I agree. I know it sounds dramatic but I told my partner (*at the time) that if he ever cheated and then had sex with me then that sex is non-consensual. Because I would never consent to having sex with him if I knew he had slept with someone else.

He was a bit shocked but understood the point I was making.(*we split for other reasons)

I wouldn’t mind legal retribution if the affair used joint finances. or of any sexual harm were caused, such as a std.

If you are saying that your friend openly admits to having sex with this guy amd introduces him to her friends as her sexual partner then surely she is not his Affair partner, she is his Open partner?
There is a difference.

If his wife doesn't know about her H's relationship the absolute humiliation that he is heaping on her by flaunting his relationship to his lover 's friends is appalling. No amount of charm can make up for that..

YABU in that of course it should be a crime, at least when it comes to marriage, and actually is/was in many cultures. The cheating partner is not only engaging in fraud but also breaking a legal contract.