To think long term affairs are like a form of fraud really

[paddleboardingmum]

Or a scam or something? Yet another of my friends has been cheated on (long marriage, teenage kids) in a situation where he's been in an affair for years. By doing that you're not only living a lie but really it's conning the other person isn't it? I'm not saying it should be a crime as such, just thinking about the deceit factor with this type of situation.

You really do not want to go down the road where an affair is criminalised. You do not want to open that can of worms because if it is a criminal offence then the law would have to apply to women as well as men.

Also if something is criminal, it can be argued a custodial sentence i.e. imprisonment is deemed to be an appropriate punishment.

Then, of course, you may have abusive men trying to frame their wife for an affair she did not have.

It would also be nigh on impossible to prove that two people were not just good friends-unless there was a child from the affair. Even then it would be a very dubious area.

I don't know if you've been cheated on, and apologies if I'm incorrect, but this is why we don't let cheated on people decide 'punishments' for cheating. Understandably perhaps, they come out with a lot of dangerous and unworkable solutions to the problem.

A friend of mine has had a (male) friend since they met in primary school.
I'm usually cynical about male/female friendship as a rule but they really are like brother and sister.
Unfortunately her dh is a horrible man.
I'm pretty sure that if affairs were criminalised in some way, this prick would try to frame her for cheating.

Yes, having an affair is an act of abuse, but I don't think it could be criminalised like other forms of abuse, on its own. Maybe it should.

As part of a pattern of other abusive behaviour perhaps it would be taken into consideration, e.g non mol orders

I think people differ in their capacity for monogamy just as they differ in every other aspect of human nature. There are several animal species that mate for life, so it’s not like you can argue that monogamy is unnatural.

It definitely sometimes is about love. It's unusual for one person to be enough. My own observation is that people who are very interesting and interested and filled with energy will very often have more complicated relationships.

I think life is just a lot more brutal than we like to openly admit. Mummy and daddy and Tommy and Jenny the perfect ladybird family don't exist.

No.

Firstly, you'd have to prove it was an affair and not just a close friendship.
Very difficult to do actually. Unless you bug their phone, then you'll probably be done for invading their privacy.

Secondly, a lot of abusive people could try to accuse the non-abusive partner of having an affair when they are not.
If they are charming narcissists, they could get away with it.

Thirdly, what would the punishment for the crime be? Imprisonment?
So the mother of the cheating husband is now left in a position where she has to be solely financially responsible for her chikd/ren because her husband can't work as he is in jail.

Fourthly, not every f*ng thing a person does to another person that isn't particularly. pleasant should be a crime. People need to grow up.

Honest to goodness all this making an affair a criminal offence stuff is just barmy.

But wouldnt you then have to do that with all the other vows too like "with my body i thee worship" Unpalatable no? Because you cant cherry pick

1

Wolves
beavers
california mice
gibbons
dik dik

appear to be the only animals that mate for life. An unusual and varied list.

Lots of birds do however, together with marine life, including sea horses.

This is all so true, most particularly the part about the lack of education and how society doesn’t demonise cheating. If it’s accepted, more people will do it.

Also, people overlook the effects on the wider family. BIL had a partner for 10 years who MIL thought of as the daughter she never had. MIL genuinely loved her and it was reciprocated. When BIL went cheating and smashed it all up, MIL was on the floor crying and had to go to bed for several days. It was like a shock bereavement. BIL also later got engaged to a woman who had a little kid. BIL would play with the little kid and the little kid enjoyed it. Until BIL shagged the woman’s best friend and devasted the woman and caused him to vanish from
the kid’s life. My BIL is just dirty and horrible and I can’t stand him. Yet he is still extremely popular with loads of friends who don’t seem to care how many people he devastates (there have been more!). The friends are happy condoning it all.

Nobody is forced to mate for life, marriage is voluntary!

A good point raised by pp. Where does an affair begin and end? If a married man has a female best friend he tells everything to and gains emotional support from is he cheating? If he fucks other women but doesn't really like them much or share emotional intimacy with them is he cheating? Should we be forbidden friends of the opposite sex (or same sex if gay) just in case? Should bisexual people just keep to themselves?

Yet another nasty and uncalled for comment from you.
The reference to what's 'reasonable' as a reaction is ironic.

@EvieBB
sorry I only knew this socially / from being friends with French people and reading the French papers - rather than scientifically - so I’ve resorted to Google AI:
apparently less than half the people in France consider affairs a moral failing

www.google.com/search?q=attitudes+to+affairs+france+vs+uk&sca_esv=19cdb9ead32b966e&sxsrf=ANbL-n4pYzBfU3jcgiGubxzTXbq_dQgxSg%3A1781470529252&source=hp&ei=QRUvaunwDMDGhbIPhaHviAI&biw=1024&bih=1234&oq=attitudes+to+affairs+france+vs+uk&gs_lp=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&sclient=mobile-gws-wiz-hp#lfId=ChxjMe

Or should we read virtually all the comments on this thread and look for the word 'deceit' instead of waxing all post-moral about amorality?

The new no fault divorce laws have in effect made adultery acceptable, anyone can be having an affair & there are no repercussions.

@Flamingcoming I wasn’t suggesting anyone was forced, I’ve been arguing for the fact that among mammals having one mate for life is unusual.

Some people deserve to be cheated on so one could argue the cheater is not necessarily the criminal.

I agree that the social stigma around affairs is waning. I was very surprised on a recent thread that a significant number of posters took the view that affairs happen, life is complex, very much “that’s life”.

I completely concur that it’s deceit, pure and simple.

It's a side issue. Serial monogamy is not cheating.

DH uncle worked overseas and it turned out he lived with another woman for 6 years before his poor wife found out. To this day MIL makes excuses for him. She makes digs about how his wife was a SAHM and liked spending. Funnily enough MIL was a SAHM for 19 years and fell out of love with FIL when the money ran out according to DH. There is a fair bit of projecting going on I feel.

His wife couldn’t work because their youngest child had additional needs. The extent of those needs means they have to live in supported housing as an adult.

I wouldn’t want to go back to totally puritanical times but freedoms to be our authentic selves or whatever crap it’s called these days has led to the demise of people having any sort of moral code.

No no. This kind of deceit and betrayal is fine because humans are not meant to be monogamous. 🙄