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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my in-laws are rude about seeing DS alone?

236 replies

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 13/06/2026 06:40

Is this normal? Or really rude and weird?

We're going to visit DH's and my parents next week. They live in a large city overseas, on opposite sides of the city.

We have all traditionally stayed with DH's parents, who have a large house (3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms). However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

So this time, I said how about DS and I stay with my parents, and DH stays with his. My parents don't have space for three guests and as it is DS and I will be sharing a tiny room and a single bed.

PIL have sent a rude email demanding that DS see them 50% of the days we're there. I send back a very polite email suggesting times and dates. FIL phones DH and tells him the times are insufficient, they'll be organising more time, and that I am to deliver DS to their house or wherever, wait outside, and collect him 2-3 hours later.

I've sent in reply
"I just thought I ought to check whether I am indeed not invited to any of the occasions where I'm bringing DS9 to meet you? I thought perhaps something got lost in translation, since FIL didn't acknowledge my email and phoned DH instead."

No answer to me. PIL apparently fuming, rang up DH to complain about my rudeness. Apparently they want to develop a relationship with DS9 independently of me, because he's THEIR grandchild, and I'm not related to them and they have no interest in having a relationship with me. And they thought I'd be pleased to just go shopping or something for a few hours.

Is this actually how grandparents are meant to behave?
Only able to relate to grandkids without that pesky DIL in the way?

OP posts:
Hildegard25 · 14/06/2026 13:32

Moveoverdarlin · 14/06/2026 00:37

Being called a silly little girl would have been the turning point for me. I just wouldn’t entertain a relationship with them.

THIS DEFINITELY!!!!

Hildegard25 · 14/06/2026 13:57

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 14/06/2026 06:11

DH talked to them today about it. Their view is they "can't pretend the relationship is warm" and they don't want to see me, and don't want to interact with DS when I'm around. They seem to see no reason to be even basically polite to me.

So, I'm done, and won't be seeing them again.

DH is going to watch like a hawk with DS, and if they try ANYTHING stupid, then DS won't be seeing them again either.

You are very naive.
What on earth makes you think that your "wet lettuce" of a husband would ever be able to stand up against such nasty bigots.
His problem being that he has been raised by them, and is afraid of them.

Better to tell your DH that you will deal with it personally.
Tell his parents that they are rude and nasty and you will not allow any of your children to be subject to their vile and nasty influences.
Then tell them to fuck off Goodbye forever.

Difficulty101 · 14/06/2026 15:25

Mine tried this. It was awful, I was really ill and they would capitalise on it taking DC to locations where I could not join. I hope your DH sticks up for you and your DC. Mine didn't. We are very low contact with the inlaws at least. I did not divorce as I did not want to risk any shared custody with the multigenerational lunacy.

oldshprite · 14/06/2026 15:28

im afraid i agree with everyone saying not to rely on your husb to stand up to his parents. he has been raised like this, he won’t be able to do anything like it unless he is willing to rock the boat, and he clearly isn’t. if this situation is only happening once a year, i’d just be happy to avoid the in laws100%. not sure if your son seeing them a few days in a year will massively impact him in any way shape or form so i wouldn't worry about that. but don’t be naive regarding your dh..

PeoplesNet · 14/06/2026 15:36

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 13/06/2026 06:40

Is this normal? Or really rude and weird?

We're going to visit DH's and my parents next week. They live in a large city overseas, on opposite sides of the city.

We have all traditionally stayed with DH's parents, who have a large house (3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms). However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

So this time, I said how about DS and I stay with my parents, and DH stays with his. My parents don't have space for three guests and as it is DS and I will be sharing a tiny room and a single bed.

PIL have sent a rude email demanding that DS see them 50% of the days we're there. I send back a very polite email suggesting times and dates. FIL phones DH and tells him the times are insufficient, they'll be organising more time, and that I am to deliver DS to their house or wherever, wait outside, and collect him 2-3 hours later.

I've sent in reply
"I just thought I ought to check whether I am indeed not invited to any of the occasions where I'm bringing DS9 to meet you? I thought perhaps something got lost in translation, since FIL didn't acknowledge my email and phoned DH instead."

No answer to me. PIL apparently fuming, rang up DH to complain about my rudeness. Apparently they want to develop a relationship with DS9 independently of me, because he's THEIR grandchild, and I'm not related to them and they have no interest in having a relationship with me. And they thought I'd be pleased to just go shopping or something for a few hours.

Is this actually how grandparents are meant to behave?
Only able to relate to grandkids without that pesky DIL in the way?

As per others and my own solution if I were in your shoes: no chance would people with their poor morals be spending time alone with my child. They would have reduced, supervised contact only. If that.

SerafinasGoose · 14/06/2026 15:52

cookbookjunkie · 13/06/2026 14:55

Edited to say this was in response to thepariscrimefiles.

Well that was then and this is now. Clearly things have changed. We don't know how time was split previously, do we? Just because they stayed at their house it doesn't automatically follow that they had more quality time and social time together. Perhaps they did, I have no idea and neither do you.

I'm aware of all the things the FIL has apparently said that have upset the OP. But this isn't about using access to his grandchild as a way of punishing him, or at least it shouldn't be. I disagree that her DH is a wet blanket, he's a man caught between a rock and a hard place and perhaps he sees a middle ground between two strong characters who just don't see eye to eye. But one of them is his dad. Is he supposed to ruin his own relationship with his dad just because his wife doesn't like him? He's respected her right to not want to stay there and no doubt if her parents had more space he'd be staying with them too. But limiting time spent with his own parents may not be something he is prepared to do.

Now that there is a clear rift and the OP and the FIL do not wish to spend any time together, there needs to be a grown up arrangement that doesn't put her DH in a difficult position where he has to prioritise his PILs over his own parents. If her DH wants to be able to share his child's time equally between both sets of grandparents and he's happy to do whatever running around is needed to facilitate that, then he should be able to. I fully agree that the OP shouldn't have to jump when her FIL says jump and 'deliver' the child to them, but she shouldn't stop her DH facilitating these visits if he wants to. He's respected her decision to not stay there herself, and that's great. But he doesn't have to be told by her that his child can spend less time with them simply because she finds his dad rude. Again, I stress, this should be about what her DH feels is fair and right. If he decides he's happy to spend more time with her PILs than his own for whatever reason, then that's absolutely fine. If not, then a roughly 50:50 split is the right thing to do.

If he wants his son to have just as much time with his parents as hers, then he should not have to ask permission to do that. Grandchildren are not pawns in some power play game. Rationing access should not be used as a form of punishment for PILs you dislike. It's petty and childish. Rise above the urge.

Edited

I'm completely with you here, and have been quite surprised by the number of comments to the tune of 'if you don't like me, you don't get access to my children'. For the avoidance of doubt, FiL is a dick. And of course, these comments don't apply if there is any suggestion of abuse or parental alientation.

This isn't about your rights as a parent. It isn't about grandparents' (non-existent) rights. It's about the right of the child to know his or her grandparents. OP's DH can organize this without her input: she's not on FiL's paid staff and doesn't have to ferry the chld about on his whim. That goes without saying.

My MiL isn't my greatest fan, primarily because from the very beginning of my relationship with DH I've kept a deliberate distance from his sister. Since DC has been born, MiL has gradually become more openly hostile, to the extent that we have not seen each other for a number of years and I have no desire for that situation to change.

DC does have a relationship with her. DH facilities this and I play no part in it which, I suspect, is a positive to all concerned. This is DH's child as much as mine and he has equal say. Also, DC is not me. MiL may not like me but this doesn't extend to DC, and I trust DH's parenting will not expose our child to any form of abuse.

I don't own my son. He has a right to a relationship with his sole living grandparent, independently of me. And I will not say a bad word about her that would influence how he felt about his grandmother.

When he's of age then this will of course be his decision.

NewGirlInTown · 14/06/2026 16:05

Tell them to get to fuck, and mean it!

HereWeGo1234 · 14/06/2026 17:54

Your in-laws sound like horrible people. And what a terrible example of family life to show your son-even if he doesn’t fully understand what’s going on, he will certainly pick up on a vibe.
it may be too late now, but If I were you, I would ask your husband to contact his parents and politely explain that you are a team, a job lot, and if they want to see one of you they see all of you.

Protectingmypeace · 14/06/2026 19:07

What is your DH response in this because I think we can safely say FIL is a prat and to be honest with your child’s needs I’m not sure would be a great person to have around him. Will he understand your child or just have unrealistic expectations. I ask this because I had a very similar MIL who would not accept my DD autism and the way you kind of had to communicate which let to a very upset daughter that barely spoke with her for years. I tried to get MIL to understand but some people know best. Wasn’t helped by my now ex husband who couldn’t believe MIL could do anything wrong. That’s a rock I don’t have to die on anymore but after being tried like crap for almost 30 years I am strongly saying please don’t allow this for yourself. I have so many regrets from situations and events that I allowed to be dictated to which changed for my children and myself and not for the best because of her and many openly ruined. I’ve been openly humiliated and my ex watched please don’t expect the next time to be different or make excuses.

Tuesdayschild50 · 14/06/2026 20:02

No it isn't they sound horrible i wouldn't let him be around people like that.
You're husband needs to step up or is he bullied by them aswell.

Doubledenim305 · 14/06/2026 22:02

Do not let your son see these awful people.
They sound nasty and vindictive. You don't know what they will do or say and you have seen enough to know they can't stand you. I would cut them off.
No question.

Original poster
SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 15/06/2026 01:55

Swiftie1878 · 14/06/2026 11:13

Wow, and we thought our school system and education provision was bad?!

Where the heck are you, OP?

Show quote history

New Zealand. It's not the clean, green, innovative paradise that it successfully markets to the rest of the world, more like a fertilizer-filled cow pasture with the worst education system I've ever had the displeasure to encounter.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 15/06/2026 04:02

I've discussed boundaries and supervision at length with DH. He says he's on the same page as me and will supervise 100% of the time spent with the grandparents. I've also discussed this with DS and told him what to do when they decide to start pushing boundaries.

OP posts:
chatgptmeup · 15/06/2026 04:55

Seconding the person who suggested couples counseling. It’s been very helpful in my relationship. It helps us form a plan in advance of seeing my parents and holds me/DH accountable after when we debrief on what was ok/not on how we handled the visit.

EvieBB · 15/06/2026 05:55

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 13/06/2026 06:40

Is this normal? Or really rude and weird?

We're going to visit DH's and my parents next week. They live in a large city overseas, on opposite sides of the city.

We have all traditionally stayed with DH's parents, who have a large house (3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms). However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

So this time, I said how about DS and I stay with my parents, and DH stays with his. My parents don't have space for three guests and as it is DS and I will be sharing a tiny room and a single bed.

PIL have sent a rude email demanding that DS see them 50% of the days we're there. I send back a very polite email suggesting times and dates. FIL phones DH and tells him the times are insufficient, they'll be organising more time, and that I am to deliver DS to their house or wherever, wait outside, and collect him 2-3 hours later.

I've sent in reply
"I just thought I ought to check whether I am indeed not invited to any of the occasions where I'm bringing DS9 to meet you? I thought perhaps something got lost in translation, since FIL didn't acknowledge my email and phoned DH instead."

No answer to me. PIL apparently fuming, rang up DH to complain about my rudeness. Apparently they want to develop a relationship with DS9 independently of me, because he's THEIR grandchild, and I'm not related to them and they have no interest in having a relationship with me. And they thought I'd be pleased to just go shopping or something for a few hours.

Is this actually how grandparents are meant to behave?
Only able to relate to grandkids without that pesky DIL in the way?

Wow. You could remind them that he's YOUR son and they don't get an automatic right to see him....and they won't from now on unless they apologize. I'm not usually one to fan the flames with family relationships but they way they treat you is completely cold and out of order.

Elsvieta · 15/06/2026 07:25

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 15/06/2026 04:02

I've discussed boundaries and supervision at length with DH. He says he's on the same page as me and will supervise 100% of the time spent with the grandparents. I've also discussed this with DS and told him what to do when they decide to start pushing boundaries.

Does ds like seeing them?

How far away do you live? How often do you go?

EvelynBeatrice · 15/06/2026 08:09

So you have to live where you live? No possibility of jobs elsewhere where your child could receive a decent school education and you could reclaim some financial independence? It doesn’t sound to a third part reader that living where you live is in your child ‘s or your best interests.

AguNwaanyi · 15/06/2026 08:44

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 15/06/2026 04:02

I've discussed boundaries and supervision at length with DH. He says he's on the same page as me and will supervise 100% of the time spent with the grandparents. I've also discussed this with DS and told him what to do when they decide to start pushing boundaries.

I really hope this visit goes well for you OP but I also think you need to think more long term. It sounds like you are your husband could do with help with sticking up to his parents and you for yourself.

allhailthebrain · 15/06/2026 20:38

I wouldn’t be letting my child see them at all, sorry. If they can’t be civil to me, they don’t get to spend time with my child.

People who think that behaviour is acceptable don’t get to build a relationship with my child. You can apologise and accept my conditions or you can… sashay away!

PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlowers · 15/06/2026 21:33

allhailthebrain · 15/06/2026 20:38

I wouldn’t be letting my child see them at all, sorry. If they can’t be civil to me, they don’t get to spend time with my child.

People who think that behaviour is acceptable don’t get to build a relationship with my child. You can apologise and accept my conditions or you can… sashay away!

This all the way.

They should learn to be civil. Respect the fact that you are the mother and wife and they should keep their traps shut.

I really think they will drip feed your ds poison over time and your dh will not or cannot do anything about it.

Unitl they learn some manners and civility, they should get nothing.

askmenow · 16/06/2026 01:53

Tell me is this cultural? The misogynistic treatment of you by FIL?

How much of this treatment can be attributed to MIL or is she kept quietly in the background by the overbearing FIL?

Clearly your DH’s relationship with his parents is disfunctional and as someone suggested perhaps you need to consider counselling or you’ll become resentful at your DH lack of support.
I wouldn’t trust your DH to oversee his parents with your DS given he is soo weak in their presence. He’ll just capitulate as he has before.

As an aside, given you say your DH is struggling to maintain his family, and perhaps overwhelmed himself , could you consider online tutoring to help out with the burden.
THAT should shut FIL up permanently!

Original poster
SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 16/06/2026 04:03

It’s cultural: extreme white male privilege. FIL’s father was an important figure in postwar government, FIL went to the most expensive (read: white, male, extremely misogynistic) schools and (almost exclusively white male) universities in London, New York, Melbourne. He’s had everything on a plate his entire life and is quite happy to destroy anything that gets in his way. He sees no use for women who aren’t decorative. Viz. his charming comment “I enjoyed talking to your sister. Attractive woman, that. You could take a leaf out of her book.” Followed by a sneering look up and down at my trainers, unfashionable jeans, old fleece and ponytail.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 16/06/2026 04:11

MIL is typical of the generation/ demographic. Dutifully decorative, expensively educated, reads, has a brain, but always defers to FIL. Feels special when he gives her diamonds and takes her to the theatre. Talks about it being “his credit card”.

So, once he had decided he disliked me, she stopped being polite.

I think they don’t really realise just how much of a boorish sexist dinosaur FIL is. He’s more like someone of his grandparents’ generation.

OP posts:
BuckChuckets · 16/06/2026 06:48

And you're ok with your DS being around these horrible people with your DH who's too feeble to stand up to them because.....?

AguNwaanyi · 16/06/2026 07:34

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 16/06/2026 04:03

It’s cultural: extreme white male privilege. FIL’s father was an important figure in postwar government, FIL went to the most expensive (read: white, male, extremely misogynistic) schools and (almost exclusively white male) universities in London, New York, Melbourne. He’s had everything on a plate his entire life and is quite happy to destroy anything that gets in his way. He sees no use for women who aren’t decorative. Viz. his charming comment “I enjoyed talking to your sister. Attractive woman, that. You could take a leaf out of her book.” Followed by a sneering look up and down at my trainers, unfashionable jeans, old fleece and ponytail.

OP are you non-white? Trying to see something.