AIBU to think my in-laws are rude about seeing DS alone?

[SeriouslyIsThisBonkers]

Is this normal? Or really rude and weird?

We're going to visit DH's and my parents next week. They live in a large city overseas, on opposite sides of the city.

We have all traditionally stayed with DH's parents, who have a large house (3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms). However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

So this time, I said how about DS and I stay with my parents, and DH stays with his. My parents don't have space for three guests and as it is DS and I will be sharing a tiny room and a single bed.

PIL have sent a rude email demanding that DS see them 50% of the days we're there. I send back a very polite email suggesting times and dates. FIL phones DH and tells him the times are insufficient, they'll be organising more time, and that I am to deliver DS to their house or wherever, wait outside, and collect him 2-3 hours later.

I've sent in reply
"I just thought I ought to check whether I am indeed not invited to any of the occasions where I'm bringing DS9 to meet you? I thought perhaps something got lost in translation, since FIL didn't acknowledge my email and phoned DH instead."

No answer to me. PIL apparently fuming, rang up DH to complain about my rudeness. Apparently they want to develop a relationship with DS9 independently of me, because he's THEIR grandchild, and I'm not related to them and they have no interest in having a relationship with me. And they thought I'd be pleased to just go shopping or something for a few hours.

Is this actually how grandparents are meant to behave?
Only able to relate to grandkids without that pesky DIL in the way?

It's not morally wrong to stop your child spending time with relatives that are harmful. Whose feelings are you prioritising by allowing your son to see his grandparents? Your husband's? MILs? Or FILs? The only person who should matter here is your son. He's the only one with no agency and values which are still malleable. Unless you're exaggerating in your description of them, I can't understand why you're not protecting your child

Your DH needs to address their appalling behaviour towards his wife and the mother of his child. It’s unacceptable to be so overtly rude and excluding.

Urgh I wouldn’t want my DC exposed to anyone like that.

Does DH want to spend time with his parents?

I'd tell the in-laws that they no longer have access to your son and they f##£ off. As for DH he needs to support you and tell his parents that they will not see any of you unless their attitude changes.

We went, and stayed in an AirBnB. Spent lots of time including many meals at my parents', which went well.

DS and DH visited PIL, I didn't. DH kept scrupulously to timings and oversaw everything. PIL got a taste of being the 'visited' rather than the 'stayed with' grandparents, i.e. short, time-limited visits every few days, no mealtimes, somewhat manufactured conversation between MIL and DH. FIL turned his viciousness on DH a couple of times, and opted out of most of the meetings, interestingly.

That sounds like it went as well as it could. Lovely for you to spend lots of time with your parents, and for them.

I bet his parents were actually spitting chips about it.

Good for your DH for standing up to them and supporting you and your son.

FiL showed his true colours. Clearly spending time with his DS and DGC is not that important to him.

I think you've done really well in a difficult situation, OP. Well done!

It wouldn't surprise me if after many years have passed, FIL develops grudging respect for you.

I had that happen with a crusty old dinosaur colleague once...

Also you have inadvertently shed light for me on why London is full of Kiwi supply teachers!

Thank you for updating, it’s always interesting to hear the outcome.
It seems very much like you can hold your head high as you managed the situation well and your partner supported you properly.

Great update! I would hope that your PILs would now realise that their actions have consequences but they don't sound like people with the capacity for self-reflection and change.

Well done OP! I wouldn’t want my child around such an arrogant, misogynistic prick!

My son and I wouldn't see them that holiday. And future holiday are a TBC.

When I had my son, my partner (now husband) still lived at home. He and his mum shared a 4-bed house. His sister had just moved out. SiL used to come for diner at least 1x pw. Each time she would make occasional digs at me orcompletely ignore me, and would forever put her brother down. He would stay quiet to keep the peace. I would stay quiet because it was never my home, just a house I stayed in when times were hard. When our son reached around 7-8 months old, I said to him, enough is enough, either speak up or I'm going to vacate the premises whilst she is around becuase I have no ide what our child currently understands but I will not have him growing up disrespecting us or thining us meek and feeble because of the family dynamics. She carried on, I kept to my boundaries. I avoided her for a further year until we moved out. Since then, we see her no more than thrice per year in small doses for Christmas, one of her two children's bday party and/or one of our kids ' party.

Their Godfather is particularly nasty to me, always has been. Only invites the kids and hubby for visits. Since being barred from my home and from seeing the kids without me present, he has reached out, apologised repeatedly, admitted that he hasn't been a good friend either to me or my husband, but it was ten years too little, too late for me. I forgive but I do not give you access to continue to abuse me. His apology came when he my husband of his own volition drew a line in the sand and picked a side.

Some might view my actions as controlling. You're welcome to your opinions, but as parents, you are your child's first hero. How you handle compliments, conflicts, excitement, disrespect, loyalty, friendship, everything, has the potential to hugely shape who they are.I choose not to shape my children to look down on me, accept bad behaviour towards them and theirs, or allow outsiders to divide and conquer our family. We are a package deal.

Grandparent or not, you have been with your husband long enough to build a life, a home, and a family. He clearly doesn't like you or respect what you bring to the family and finds and reason to attack you. Why would anyone opt to have his poison seeping into them. Set your boundaries and stick to them, and don't be afraid to put yourself first. He has had his time of child rearing - I'm sure your husand isn't perfect. Now it's your turn.

@StraightUpTalker thanks for your story - good that you are a package deal!

Since the trip (it was in mid June) I haven't spoken to the PIL or sent them anything. Normally I'd be sending MIL videos of DS' music, occasional emails etc. I feel sad that the situation is now such that I'm not going to do that any more. But life moves on. I've booked DS and me on a music camp here, for the week in January that we were going to go visit PIL/my parents/family. DS is more excited about that than he was about the prospect of visiting family.

Really glad to see your updates! Setting boundaries is tough but you’ve done really well to stick to them and it sounds like your family unit is happier for it. Have a brilliant time at the music camp - sounds ace!