AIBU to think my in-laws are rude about seeing DS alone?

[SeriouslyIsThisBonkers]

Is this normal? Or really rude and weird?

We're going to visit DH's and my parents next week. They live in a large city overseas, on opposite sides of the city.

We have all traditionally stayed with DH's parents, who have a large house (3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms). However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

So this time, I said how about DS and I stay with my parents, and DH stays with his. My parents don't have space for three guests and as it is DS and I will be sharing a tiny room and a single bed.

PIL have sent a rude email demanding that DS see them 50% of the days we're there. I send back a very polite email suggesting times and dates. FIL phones DH and tells him the times are insufficient, they'll be organising more time, and that I am to deliver DS to their house or wherever, wait outside, and collect him 2-3 hours later.

I've sent in reply
"I just thought I ought to check whether I am indeed not invited to any of the occasions where I'm bringing DS9 to meet you? I thought perhaps something got lost in translation, since FIL didn't acknowledge my email and phoned DH instead."

No answer to me. PIL apparently fuming, rang up DH to complain about my rudeness. Apparently they want to develop a relationship with DS9 independently of me, because he's THEIR grandchild, and I'm not related to them and they have no interest in having a relationship with me. And they thought I'd be pleased to just go shopping or something for a few hours.

Is this actually how grandparents are meant to behave?
Only able to relate to grandkids without that pesky DIL in the way?

Your DH should be telling them that it’s not acceptable and you will be with your son.

Fuck that. Don't see such rude people and do your own thing with your parents. DH can facilitate DS seeing the in laws when it suits you

Yeah fuck that. If they want to see your child without you and you are willing to let that happen, they or your DH can come and pick them up from your parents home.

No, it's not normal. Your FIL is a rude misogynistic twat.
Your DH should be shooting this down and telling his parents it isn't acceptable behaviour. Does he not have your back and challenge their comments?

I wouldn't want my child to spend any individual time with people like that!

Only your DH should reply to such rudeness.

Your DH needs to call his parents' communication rude and, due to their rudeness and lack of respect for their daught-in-law, this visit will only involve them seeing their grandson for one day. Your DH needs to insist that it is up to him and he is not tolerating their rudeness.

They need to change or next year it will be the same.

Omg I would be spitting over this, excuse my out burst, but I’m absolutely fuming for you !

I hope your husband has your back over this.

maybe they are but out that you choice to stay with your parents, but there’s do excuse for this behaviour. And I’m a mil

I would tell my DH that he can collect son and return at hours and times he is free from commitments he has with your parents. You don’t want your son growing up with the ideas his parents seem to have.

it reminds me of the time when first married, my father came to visit and teased me with the comment “ look at you playing house” DH instantly replied “ WE love having our own place to play in” I could have died with embarrassment but it shut my father down . DH later said that my embarrassment was due to my dirty mind and not what he meant at all 😂😂

Dh tells his parents to stop being rude and you are a family unit.

Mine tried to do similar. He’s also a rude bigot. We haven’t had contact for 12 years now.

Where is your ‘D’H in all this? Is he going to stand up for his family unit?

If he didn’t prioritise you and DS in a discussion like this I would be considering separation tbh.

They sound utterly dreadful.

Nah, no way my child would be around these people! I wouldn’t want their views on women thrust upon my child!

Go to marriage counseling with DH. I had a similar issue with in laws, and years later I am still feeling the damage it did to our relationship. He needs to draw a line with his parents. If you fight this battle you will resent your DH, even if you win.

Your DH is a wet weekend.

He is not protecting you. You presumably have made joint parenting decisions and you are getting the blame for them.

Tbh given their behaviour, you should be asking why he's still seeing them without challenging them full stop.

Do you think they are capable of seeing their grandchildren without bitching about you in front of him? If they aren't your son probably should not be seeing them at all?

As for equal time. Well newsflash; they have no legal rights of access at all. Perhaps they should be reminded of this when they are told to jog on by your husband.

Sorry OP, i actually can't vote yanbu because you're being such a doormat. How have you sat through such derision from this old prick? Stop being nice, tell them to shove all their requests and enjoy time with your parents.

Your parents in law are nuts and I hope your husband can see this and has your back.

Your DH should be suggesting he gets a hotel and none of you see his awful family and spend time with yours and as a unit instead. I certainly would not let my young child near them.

FIL sounds awful, does your husband stand up for you and set boundaries when he says these things to you? I don't think it's typical to stay separate from your husband,and I can see why they want to see their grandchild and maybe see it as -you've said, you will take him to your parents as from their perspective they should get to see him as well, but it's understandable that you don't want to stay with him, just that you and your DH probably need to be more united as a team and sticking together because they are casting you as the bad guy here. I think your DH needs to stick up for you more, and I'd only have the child visit with you as a family not leave you out.

"No, I won't be leaving my child alone with someone who insults me to my face. You silly little man".

At least they're in a different country. Imagine dealing with this all the time...

FIL sounds like a rude, sexist pig. I categorically wouldn't allow him around my son without me and would be incredibly reluctant to see him myself (certainly not something I'd consider without a full apology and promise to behave politely in future).

Your son doesn't need a relationship with an arsehole regardless of whether they share some DNA. Do you want him to grow up thinking it's acceptable to call women "silly little girls" if they disagree with him?

What's MIL like? If she's nice I'd offer to meet her with DS away from FIL.

They do sound horrendous but I would assume the reason they want to see their grandson without you is because you've given the impression you don't want to be around them by staying elsewhere. Not that i blame you but the decision was going to escalate the tensions.

This. If they want to see your ds then they or your dh can come and fetch him. You are not the bloody nanny.

And I'd be discouraging any further visits. You don't want your child learning such ill manners from ignorant people like them.

They wouldn’t be seeing either me of DS with that outburst!

I think you could come back to your thread now OP, and tell us what your husband is doing to support you with this. That's kind of crucial information.

Your FIL is an unbearable bully and misogynist. You certainly should not agree to your son spending any time with him without you there because they can't be trusted to not bad-mouth you to your son.

They are grandparents and they don't get to dictate when they see your son. They don't have any rights here.

Your DH should be telling FIL that his treatment of your is completely unacceptable and, if they want a relationship with their grandson, they need to treat his grandson's mother with courtesy and respect.

No, not okay at all. I’d also be quite concerned about sending a vulnerable SENd child into the care of someone who sounds likely to make at best unhelpful at worst really damaging comments to them.

Well he's done you a favour Op, now you know exactly where you stand and you don't need to waste your time being polite to him anymore. He's a nasty, sexist pig, not a man I'd want around a vunerable child and especially not alone. If your DH doesn't side with you it's a massive red flag in your marriage