AIBU to think my in-laws are rude about seeing DS alone?

[SeriouslyIsThisBonkers]

Is this normal? Or really rude and weird?

We're going to visit DH's and my parents next week. They live in a large city overseas, on opposite sides of the city.

We have all traditionally stayed with DH's parents, who have a large house (3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms). However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

So this time, I said how about DS and I stay with my parents, and DH stays with his. My parents don't have space for three guests and as it is DS and I will be sharing a tiny room and a single bed.

PIL have sent a rude email demanding that DS see them 50% of the days we're there. I send back a very polite email suggesting times and dates. FIL phones DH and tells him the times are insufficient, they'll be organising more time, and that I am to deliver DS to their house or wherever, wait outside, and collect him 2-3 hours later.

I've sent in reply
"I just thought I ought to check whether I am indeed not invited to any of the occasions where I'm bringing DS9 to meet you? I thought perhaps something got lost in translation, since FIL didn't acknowledge my email and phoned DH instead."

No answer to me. PIL apparently fuming, rang up DH to complain about my rudeness. Apparently they want to develop a relationship with DS9 independently of me, because he's THEIR grandchild, and I'm not related to them and they have no interest in having a relationship with me. And they thought I'd be pleased to just go shopping or something for a few hours.

Is this actually how grandparents are meant to behave?
Only able to relate to grandkids without that pesky DIL in the way?

Well that would be the last time I made any effort for them at all. Let dh sort it out and enjoy a lovely relaxing break with your parents and ds.

Honestly I think just put your foot down and say no. It's your child - you say who he spends time with. Never them. Grandparents' access is always conditional upon the parent liking them. Harsh but true. Get your DH to back you up.

If people don’t want a relationship with you then they don’t get one with your son. End of. They need to respect the parents first and foremost before being trusted to develop a relationship with the child. You can bet if their attitude suddenly changes now it’s only because they want access to your child and will most likely be superficial

They can get in the sea! I wouldn't let my child anywhere near them without myself. Unbelievably rude of them. I am annoyed on your behalf.

Jesus. I wouldn’t want anything to do with them after that. And I’d have expected my husband to speak up if his parents spoke to me like that.

Wow I hope your DH isn’t as misogynistic as his father - your DH needs to step up and knock this on the head.

Does dh's job depend on his father? Just confused as you said he was busy trying to keep his job! Obviously fil's behaviour is outrageous but maybe it'd be nice for you to have some time with your family whilst dh has ds and dh returns him to you.

You don’t have to take this. I get you think your husband has the upper hand here, but he’s also dependent on you to homeschool your son, and relying on your meekness for his convenience. So you have some power here to make demands, and that should be that the disrespect stops now. OP you may benefit from some therapy or coaching on how to stand up for yourself.

As for this trip, I would not acquiesce to their demands. Tell your husband you will work around your schedule and let him deal
with his parents. For the long term, as I said, some support to help you may be in need.

Wow, I'd be telling them to fuck off and behave themselves.

No issue with children having time alone with grandparents. I did it as a child and went on holidays with my grandma. But my grandma didn't treat either of my parents like shit. You have to earn privileges that you don't have any entitlement to, and the way they're acting is not how you do that.

I hope your husband is supporting you.

This. I wouldn't want my kid any where near people like this. You have to ask yourself the basic reason why they want to be alone with him. I would imagine it's to fill his head with the shit they have in theirs and that is my 'kindest' thought @SeriouslyIsThisBonkers

Drop the rope. Don't answer emails or communications from them. They are disgusting people.

You and your DH seem very passive. This is outrageous behaviour. They have absolutely no right to see your kids. You are the parents of your children and it is your job to manage who they are exposed to. I would be telling the in laws their behaviour towards you is unacceptable and as a result they won’t be seeing your children.

Sleeping in a single bed with your nine year-old DS for a week or more and your DH staying on the other side of the city is really not great.
If money is the problem, I would visit less often so you can afford an airbnb or similar when you do visit.
It will be easier to manage everything else if you are all together in your own space.

Yes, @SeriouslyIsThisBonkers, absolutely stop contacting your PIL directly. I can promise you they enjoy ignoring your messages and getting your husband to relay theirs as part of their disrespect towards you. So ignore them too. Only go through your husband.

Oh my goodness- you are a highly educated and super-intelligent lady who is being literally abused verbally by this domineering, nasty controlling man . I guess that your dh is terrified of his father and mother desperate for their approval .
Clearly he turns into a quivering jelly around them.
I understand there is a culture difference as I have had ‘misunderstandings’ with my in-laws in a different country over the years and my dh, who is a very strong, confident and supportive person, disappears into his shell which stunned me at first ..
Eventually he stood up to my m-i-l and threatened to never bring the dcs again if her hostile and frankly mean behaviour toward them didn’t change . Two of them are ND - older now are no real desire to visit . Sad .
They are adding no value to your life.
Your priority is yours and your little son’s comfort and wellbeing.
And your own self-care.
Not pandering to ill-behaved and entitied individuals who have zero manners and have, sorry to say “ pissed on their chips “
xxxx❤️

Omg I'd be relieved they didn't want a relationship with me but very wary of what they might be saying to your kids! What's your husband's opinion? Or is he concerned about disrespecting his 'dreadful' sounding Father!?

Grandparents, PILs and indeed parents are not intended to be extremist misogynists. Ideally, you wouldn't spend any time with FIL and would not allow DS to do so unsupervised. I'd also think my husband was a knob for not speaking up - for a complete stranger if his arsehole dad spouted off like this, let alone for his actual wife whom he's supposed to love and care about !! - but there are probably inheritance issues that complicate matters from his perspective.

I'm only adding this part because of your follow-up comment that you don't think you have a choice but to go along with your husband's decisions. That's an untenable situation, full stop. Don't forget that if your DS needs to be homeschooled, that that is your husband's responsibility every bit as much as yours, both financially and in terms of logistics, work, time, and energy. If someone needs to cut back on work or even take a full career break - thus reducing present and future income, pension, employability, etc. - then make sure that the and the burden doesn't fall disproportionately on one partner/parent vs the other.

Wow I was reading this as if you were divorced at first (still bad!) but you’re still married! Absolutely YANBU, OP - they sound horrible. Why the sudden change also or have they always been like this? Often the reason can be jealousy but where from I wonder.

Absolutely not unreasonable.
My in-laws sent a multiple page letter to my partner detailing every one of my perceived faults and telling him to end our relationship.
Guess what, they now have no relationship with their grandson and very little contact with their own son (his choice).

I think you escalated things by agreeing to the visit but refusing to stay in their home, likely causing great offence, instead of refusing to go and just sending DH or addressing their awful treatment of you.

DH needs to step up and stand up to them / insist on an apology and until then none of you go OR accept that you don't want a relationship with people who are awful to you and visit solo with DS.

I would expect your DH to show more loyalty to you and DS. His father sounds like a mean bully and I wouldn't want my child exposed to that attitude in my absence.

So your husband is part of the abuse.
His "depressed" response is used to shut you down.
To control and manipulate you.
You need a domestic abuse charity to support you.
Reach out when you get back to the UK.
While with your parents, keep your son with you, or lose both your passports.

You need to seek support.

This sums it up for me.

I never had DPILs but my DSIL did sort of expect that she would have time with my DCs without me or DP there. It took a bit of planning and was sometimes a bit inconvenient - DSIL and family didn’t live locally - but I did go along with this and I think it was good for my DCs, I think it helped them to be confident and outgoing. I had loads of time with my DGPs without my parents there when I was a child and I really treasured this - I felt that the relationships with them were stronger and I liked the autonomy. I think that there is no right or wrong way. It’s not wrong of your PILs to ask for exclusive time with your DS this but not wrong for you to disagree - you know your DS.
Given that you decided that you didn’t want to stay with your PILS because they were unpleasant and undermining to you, why do you want to spend any time with them? That’s seems a bit inconsistent. Could your DH pick up your DS on the visit days?

Your DS is learning it is acceptable for men to put women down and belittle them.

FiL is a piece of work - you can decide who your child forms a relationship with and, for me, it wouldn’t be someone who was dripping poison in their ears when they’re at an impressionable age. My dad behaved like your FiL and I made sure my child had very little time with him until he was old enough to understand he was an arrogant idiot.