AIBU to think my in-laws are rude about seeing DS alone?

[SeriouslyIsThisBonkers]

Is this normal? Or really rude and weird?

We're going to visit DH's and my parents next week. They live in a large city overseas, on opposite sides of the city.

We have all traditionally stayed with DH's parents, who have a large house (3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms). However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

So this time, I said how about DS and I stay with my parents, and DH stays with his. My parents don't have space for three guests and as it is DS and I will be sharing a tiny room and a single bed.

PIL have sent a rude email demanding that DS see them 50% of the days we're there. I send back a very polite email suggesting times and dates. FIL phones DH and tells him the times are insufficient, they'll be organising more time, and that I am to deliver DS to their house or wherever, wait outside, and collect him 2-3 hours later.

I've sent in reply
"I just thought I ought to check whether I am indeed not invited to any of the occasions where I'm bringing DS9 to meet you? I thought perhaps something got lost in translation, since FIL didn't acknowledge my email and phoned DH instead."

No answer to me. PIL apparently fuming, rang up DH to complain about my rudeness. Apparently they want to develop a relationship with DS9 independently of me, because he's THEIR grandchild, and I'm not related to them and they have no interest in having a relationship with me. And they thought I'd be pleased to just go shopping or something for a few hours.

Is this actually how grandparents are meant to behave?
Only able to relate to grandkids without that pesky DIL in the way?

Oh @SeriouslyIsThisBonkers I'm so sorry. This sounds seriously upsetting.

I would not entertain this for a minute, but I have been known to hold grudges for a loooooing time. I would also be having serious words with DH; if he can't stand up to his parents, then he needs to limit his contact with them.

I don't think I'd feel comfortable with my kids staying with relatives who openly (well, openly to their dad) say their mother isn't part of the family?!

That isn't my advice AT ALL. I don't give a stuff whether she makes an effort with him or not. I just don't think it's unreasonable that the time with the grandchild should be split roughly equally between both sets of GPs if that's what her DH would like. No-one is forcing her to spend time with her FIL.

Just to add to this if DS is AUDHD are you sure they’re not secretly wanting to have him there without you so that they can ‘improve him’ or teach him how to behave ‘properly?’

I have a relative who has tried to improve’ Ds over the years (food struggles, always had his teddy as a smaller child) - turns out it’s not due to my cr*p parenting after all he’s neurodiverse but some people think they know better than the parents

so I’m another one saying no way is Ds seeing them without you unless your DH grows a pair & you’re confident he’ll stand up to them & not allow any nonsense

That’s how my in laws were. I was just the brood mare, providing them with children. Once that was done, I was to clear off.

I'd tell them to fuck off

Your suggestion is rather aggressive, direct, rude and absolutely fucking necessary and exactly what she should do 🤣 love it!

I'd go back with,

I have heard of another message saying XYZ. I would like to remind you that I am the mother of X. You will not speak to me or about me in this way and then go onto demand contact with my child. This behaviour is entirely unacceptable and until such time that you can you be respectful you will not be seeing either myself or MY son at all.

If your husband cannot stand up to his parents, stand up for yourself.

I think you need to figure out a way to get back into work. Appreciate your son has autism/adhd but I think instead of remaining entirely financially dependent on your husband - you could look at alternative education such as a private school for your son and re-enter the workforce.

Your marriage is in crisis if your DH is going to partake and side with your parents in this instance - or even sit on the fence.

What awful people they are.

I would not let my child be around such vile people.

Being called a silly little girl would have been the turning point for me. I just wouldn’t entertain a relationship with them.

DH talked to them today about it. Their view is they "can't pretend the relationship is warm" and they don't want to see me, and don't want to interact with DS when I'm around. They seem to see no reason to be even basically polite to me.

So, I'm done, and won't be seeing them again.

DH is going to watch like a hawk with DS, and if they try ANYTHING stupid, then DS won't be seeing them again either.

To those saying "go back to work, get an EHCP and obtain the provision required" "try a private school" etc

Here, there are no EHCPs, there is no provision at all, unless your child is severely intellectually disabled and not expected to ever learn to read or write.
There are also no private schools where we live, and the only schools that will take DS are absolutely f*ing dire. Think 60 kids ratting round the floor of an open-plan classroom sharing ipads, all talking, basically none of them on task, and one teacher alternately screeching or ignoring (because the other teacher is inevitably teaching one of the other year groups, because there's a massive teacher shortage).

Also the kids are all constantly sick because 5 days off gets you onto the treadmill of warnings and fines over attendance, and schools get sanctioned for having poor attendance figures.

Add to that the ridiculously rapid recent introduction of an AI-slop version of the UK curriculum (with mates rates contracts for the education minister's Atlas-group friends who produce textbooks), which none of the teachers are ready to teach and none of the kids are ready to absorb.

DS can't cope in loud environments, can't process thought or auditory information. He also picks up every single thing going and is sick with every cold for 3-4 weeks. When he went to school he was constantly sick, literally the entire time (this was before the era of strict attendance targets, sanctions, fines, etc). He'd actually be fine with their new curriculum because it's fairly similar to what he's doing. He is doing fine on the UK curriculum at home, is well on track academically, and is healthy, happy, eating and drinking, reading, enjoying things. He was a traumatised non-functioning mess at school.

They sound horrific.

What is the reason for their dislike of you? It seema stronger than being indifferent or dislike? Has something happened in the past and they can’t let it go?! Bizarre.

Dont tolerate it. Youre right to stay with your parents. I think you’re right letting them have a relationship with your DS - if they treat him well and aren’t rude about you in his presence.

I still don’t think DS should be seeing these dreadful people.

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t even let my ds see them either.

You are his mother. Why would you let your child be around people who constantly disrespect his mother?

This.

If they can not be polite to you, what message is that to your son? It'd be a hard no from me.

They WILL at some point disrespect you in front of him.

Can you trust your DH to take action if (or more likely 'when') your in-laws try anything stupid? As he is scared of them and completely under their thumb, do you really think that he will have the guts to confront his parents and tell them that they won't be seeing their grandson again if they try anything stupid? In your previous post you said:

DH is at the depressed miserable stage of saying "it's all so dysfunctional" but not actually standing up to his parents at all. They say jump, he says "how high".

Your in-laws have currently got their own way on everything. They don't have to have you in their home ever again and they have unimpeded access to your son. I would bet my life on them 'trying something stupid' by continuing to bad-mouth you in front of your son and your DH with no negative consequences at all. Your DH will remain silent as he finds standing up to his parents utterly impossible.

I would tell them that their incredible rudeness, that seemingly has no filter, concerns you as it it could be a sign of dementia and for that reason you can't allow a young child to be left in their care.

If your h thinks it’s dysfunctional then why are either of you exposing your unwitting child to these awful people?

It has to stop with your h putting his foot down. And you. By letting them have access to your child you’re okay’ing their behaviour.

This man is not a husband, my own in laws are similar and my husband puts firm boundaries in places, he stands up for me and puts them straight. If they can’t respect you I wouldn’t allow them to see their grand child and I certainly wouldn’t trust your husband to stop them from disrespecting you in front of your child.

You need to tell your husband this is making you miserable and if he actually loved you he wouldn’t allow his parents to disrespect you in such a way, your child could start copying it to! You might think you are stuck with him but you are not, you’re definitely better off seeking legal advice, there is some free out there and if you have to home school your child he will still have to support that I’m sure and you’ll be entitled to things like carers allowance and other bits (you’ll be entitled to that now), there’s more than you probably realise.

Your husband is a waste of space to be honest. He might be providing for the family but he should also be standing up for your family and protecting it, he’s clearly not doing that and not working as a unit.

Absolutely this. They should just be cut off.

Agree with this, especially about not feeling trapped by not working and home schooling. I worry about posters telling OP to get a job because it comes across as meaning she has to do that in order to leave him. She doesn’t. That would be like using job opportunities for women and equality in the workplace as a stick to beat women with. That’s not thankfully how it works. You are entitled to be a SAHM for whatever reason and be supported on divorce.

Just remembered that OP is not in the UK, so sorry I don’t know how financial settlement on divorce works where she is, but hopefully it doesn’t trap women in abusive relationships because they don’t have an independent income.

Wow, and we thought our school system and education provision was bad?!

Where the heck are you, OP?

DH is going to watch like a hawk with DS, and if they try ANYTHING stupid, then DS won't be seeing them again either.

And you really believe that pile of bollocks??

Your husband is a absolute wet lettuce who doesn't stand up for himself, for you or his DS.

Why do you think this will magically change?

Also, why can't he sleep on the sofa at your parent's house?

All of this - if he hasn’t stood up to them yet, I’d have zero confidence that he will do so when you’re not around to witness their behaviour. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

At least you won’t have to put up with his shitty behaviour anymore op. It makes more sense for you to home school considering what your profession was. Let dh do his thing with ds you enjoy time with your parents.