AIBU to think my in-laws are rude about seeing DS alone?

[SeriouslyIsThisBonkers]

Is this normal? Or really rude and weird?

We're going to visit DH's and my parents next week. They live in a large city overseas, on opposite sides of the city.

We have all traditionally stayed with DH's parents, who have a large house (3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms). However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

So this time, I said how about DS and I stay with my parents, and DH stays with his. My parents don't have space for three guests and as it is DS and I will be sharing a tiny room and a single bed.

PIL have sent a rude email demanding that DS see them 50% of the days we're there. I send back a very polite email suggesting times and dates. FIL phones DH and tells him the times are insufficient, they'll be organising more time, and that I am to deliver DS to their house or wherever, wait outside, and collect him 2-3 hours later.

I've sent in reply
"I just thought I ought to check whether I am indeed not invited to any of the occasions where I'm bringing DS9 to meet you? I thought perhaps something got lost in translation, since FIL didn't acknowledge my email and phoned DH instead."

No answer to me. PIL apparently fuming, rang up DH to complain about my rudeness. Apparently they want to develop a relationship with DS9 independently of me, because he's THEIR grandchild, and I'm not related to them and they have no interest in having a relationship with me. And they thought I'd be pleased to just go shopping or something for a few hours.

Is this actually how grandparents are meant to behave?
Only able to relate to grandkids without that pesky DIL in the way?

Why you being so polite to them? I’d have long since lost my patience! You and dh plan, they work around you! I certainly wouldn’t be letting them have alone time, but that’s just me!

Why are you communicating with DH parents? I have left all communications with them to my DH and it makes life so much easier. Then it's not up to me. He needs to step up

If he isn't backing you up and telling his parents how awful they are being, then you have a DH problem.

FIL sounds awful but he’s allowed to be because it seems everyone walks on eggshells around him, including your DH who should be in your corner.

And what does your DH have to say on the subject?

I have said it before on here and I will say it again. Men don’t put themselves out until they have been put out. It’s more comfortable for your dh to have you peeved with him than to have his parents (in another country, no less) upset at him.

Unfortunately, your I’m All Right, Jack husband needs to feel the pain of a wife who is so very, very unhappy with him that he learns that his life is more comfortable when Happy Wife, Happy Life is the truth of your marriage.

Or, you could say what I would say in that situation “if you don’t handle it, I will and it won’t be pretty and I won’t care”.

They wouldn’t be seeing me or my children again. Does DH not have your back on this?

I’d totally disengage with this madness and get dh to deal with him

weird and rude. Just go stay with your parents and send ds to do something with them on a couple of occasions when you’re there. I wouldn’t want to be near them.

What was your DH doing about the horrible comments by FIL?

Stand strong and your DH needs to tell your FIL in writing;

You have done nothing but verbally abuse my partner for years about her appearance and way of life, so she is no longer comfortable staying with you or allowing our son to visit without her. To clarify, this is a direct result of YOUR behaviour. I ask that you respect the visiting times given, though I am happy to reschedule any that don’t work for you.

Your DH needs to step up and be firm or things will just get worse.

My toxic, possibly covert narcissist MIL worked hard to build a relationship with our children independently of me (she hates me). We didn't realise what was going on until it was too late. Masses of undermining our parenting, refusing to acknowledge one child's diagnosis (I allegedly fabricated it to excuse my poor parenting). Now after a visit where I'm not there, my eldest (teen) sometimes says, "well, she didn't say too many bad things about you THIS time!" Teen is noticeably ruder & less respectful to me after seeing her.

My youngest now refuses to speak to or visit her, which is good for me as I no longer have to see her, but not good for family relations in general. She tried to get DH to leave me so I'd have to separate the children (both high needs ASD) and she would end up with the one she liked living with her. Tried to get DS to contact her on a phone I had no access to so I wouldn't know what she was saying to him. Tried to get him to visit on his own because then I couldn't interfere apply any boundaries to her.

If you let it go, it will only get worse with time.

Its not normal.

fil has overplayed his hand somewhat!

He seems to think he's your boss. A particularly rude boss. I suggest you resign from this position immediately!

All seems quite weird and rude, makes me wonder what might have been lost in translation.

Well if it were me I'd tell them to get fucked and they wouldn't see him at all. What type of moron is going to "deliver" their child to some rude entitled arsehole? Absolutely not.

I think this visit to PILs needs to be cancelled completely. FIL needs to get the message that he has no authority over you or your child (ideally DH too!). Until he accepts this and behaves in a respectful manner, his bad behaviour will nit be rewarded.

Like many PPs, I would be interested to hear what your DH is doing and has done about this @SeriouslyIsThisBonkers .

It's not polite but I think it can actually work very well for parents to take their children to see their own parents without their partner being present! In laws are often very keen to see their own children and grandchildren and much less keen to see their DIL or SIL and it's a failure of imagination not to see this as being human nature. Go with it and enjoy your time alone with your parents, which can also be a great thing.

He would spend zero time with my child. Zero.

I get why you’re being passive with him, sometimes it’s easier to take the high road with arseholes, especially those in our family.

BUT. You are role modelling to your son that you will accept being spoken to like that. And exposing him to misogyny.

this awful man would never see my child.

OP, I wouldn’t stand for being called a “silly little girl” and the fact that your FIL has said your DS is “THEIR grandchild, and [you’re] not related to them and they have no interest in having a relationship with [you]” would be the end. What on earth does your DH say to all this? I can’t believe your FIL doesn’t understand that to alienate you is to cut down on the amount of time he spends with DGS. How exactly does your FIL think he’s going to “organise more time” to spend with your DS, when cutting you out completely? I sincerely hope your DH will back you up, and let them know in no uncertain terms that he, you and your DS are a family; that you come as a package, and if FIL doesn’t want to see you, he needn’t bother seeing DS either. OP, I’d be tempted to go no contact with him. What does your MIL say about all this? I think I might just be seeing my own DPs if I were you, OP, and maybe staying in a hotel near them with DS and DH. If DH wants to see his parents, that’s up to him, but after what FIL has said, I would be keeping DS far, far away from him - you don’t want your son to pick up such attitudes.

Nobody who didn’t like me would be spending any time with my children, so that would be the end of that

Why an earth are you (a) involving yourself with them, and (b) replying to these mad emails? Take yourself out of the situation completely and just forward ALL correspondence and ask your DH to deal with it. All contact with the kids goes via him. He asks whether it’s convenient. If you’ve got plans already he tells them no.

Honestly you’re in a no win situation here, they don’t like you, they will never like you, but you’re expected to facilitate contact whilst they are downright rude and exclude you. Fuck that. Either give them both barrels or have nothing to do with them, stick up for yourself.

It seems to have been handled very badly.

If you are spending time alone with your son & parents I can see why FIL thought that the same would apply to them.

You have a dh problem if he finds this remotely acceptable.

My child would not be seeing them alone (or at all of they kept up that attitude). Fwiw my in laws once told us (yes told, not asked, not made a suggestion) that ds was going to live with them because they would do a much better job of parenting Needless to say he didn't, and we're nc now.

However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

Why has FIL got away with this for YEARS? Why has your wet blanket DH not done anything about it?

Tell your DH it’s unacceptable. You will be with your son, or neither of you are going. What a bunch of stuck up twats.

This. I am quite capable of fighting fire with fire. I would have told DH that if he did not speak very firmly to his DF about the man’s appalling behaviour I will deal with it and it will not be pretty. No one tells me to deliver my child to them.

I too want to know what your dh has said. I’m going to hope it was a resounding fuck off to his horrible ‘d’f.